Its been quite the while, huh? I apologize for disappearing without notice. Since school started, life has been quite hectic. If I am to be honest, even before school - life was getting a bit crazy.
I broke up with the boy two weeks ago. I know, I know. Big shocker to pretty much everyone. We had some really great moments, but the rest of the time, I was ridden with anxiety and guilt from feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, feeling that I was the cause of every fight and that I was literally losing my mind and was deserving of all the hurt I felt. After spending some time with friends, I realized that wasn't the case and that I needed to separate from D in order to get myself back together again. We are still talking, and in time, might get back together. I really loved him a lot, and while most people think I'm naive, I know he loves me too and that if he can overcome his own problems we could have a good relationship. But for now, its on hold. And I am already feeling tons happier with the way things are. I feel a lot freer to do as I please and I don't feel afraid anymore. I suppose that doesn't speak well for how things were between us. I really inhibited myself a lot, and I wasn't initially going to give D a second chance. But he really, really wants to make things better, and since I am who I am - I am going to give it to him when we're both ready.
I also started school two weeks ago. I am taking Acrylic Painting from 1-3:45 and Drawing II from 5-7:45 on Mondays/Wednesdays, Algebra II from 11-12:20 on Tuesdays/Thursdays, and Nutrition 101 online.
Thus far, I am excelling in all my courses. And that brings me to my next topic:
I am thinking about changing my major. To become an RD. I know, it sounds rather stereotypical of a recovered AN. But lets look at this realistically: Becoming an RD would enable me to have a steady paycheck, and I would be able to help other people recovering from ED's. I'm really enjoying learning about it, and I've discovered math really isn't so hard (I'm getting A's! WOO!) And after all I've been through, I believe that is something I am meant to do. I want to keep arts as a minor/or dual-major in both. Because I still kind of want to keep the art option open and because apparently I'm a masochist and like having a crap ton of work to do. But hey! I'm already 2 years behind the rest of my class, what's another four, right? ^.^
I'm not sure what did it or when, but in the past few weeks I have felt more and more like myself. I am more confident and comfortable with who I am than I have been in years and I feel awesome. I'm not afraid to talk to the cute guys in the gym that used to make me nervous, and I can wear my crazy expensive "first pay check" jeans with a white t-shirt and feel damn sexy (that's what I'm wearing right now BTW) AND I am having fun. Finally grew a social life outside of D, and have been going to parties or out with friends a few nights a week - I've eaten cookies and drank beers and slept til noon. And all of it feels glorious.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago