Saturday, September 11, 2010

Changes.

Its been quite the while, huh? I apologize for disappearing without notice. Since school started, life has been quite hectic. If I am to be honest, even before school - life was getting a bit crazy.

I broke up with the boy two weeks ago. I know, I know. Big shocker to pretty much everyone. We had some really great moments, but the rest of the time, I was ridden with anxiety and guilt from feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, feeling that I was the cause of every fight and that I was literally losing my mind and was deserving of all the hurt I felt. After spending some time with friends, I realized that wasn't the case and that I needed to separate from D in order to get myself back together again. We are still talking, and in time, might get back together. I really loved him a lot, and while most people think I'm naive, I know he loves me too and that if he can overcome his own problems we could have a good relationship. But for now, its on hold. And I am already feeling tons happier with the way things are. I feel a lot freer to do as I please and I don't feel afraid anymore. I suppose that doesn't speak well for how things were between us. I really inhibited myself a lot, and I wasn't initially going to give D a second chance. But he really, really wants to make things better, and since I am who I am - I am going to give it to him when we're both ready.

I also started school two weeks ago. I am taking Acrylic Painting from 1-3:45 and Drawing II from 5-7:45 on Mondays/Wednesdays, Algebra II from 11-12:20 on Tuesdays/Thursdays, and Nutrition 101 online.
Thus far, I am excelling in all my courses. And that brings me to my next topic:

I am thinking about changing my major. To become an RD. I know, it sounds rather stereotypical of a recovered AN. But lets look at this realistically: Becoming an RD would enable me to have a steady paycheck, and I would be able to help other people recovering from ED's. I'm really enjoying learning about it, and I've discovered math really isn't so hard (I'm getting A's! WOO!) And after all I've been through, I believe that is something I am meant to do. I want to keep arts as a minor/or dual-major in both. Because I still kind of want to keep the art option open and because apparently I'm a masochist and like having a crap ton of work to do. But hey! I'm already 2 years behind the rest of my class, what's another four, right? ^.^

I'm not sure what did it or when, but in the past few weeks I have felt more and more like myself. I am more confident and comfortable with who I am than I have been in years and I feel awesome. I'm not afraid to talk to the cute guys in the gym that used to make me nervous, and I can wear my crazy expensive "first pay check" jeans with a white t-shirt and feel damn sexy (that's what I'm wearing right now BTW) AND I am having fun. Finally grew a social life outside of D, and have been going to parties or out with friends a few nights a week - I've eaten cookies and drank beers and slept til noon. And all of it feels glorious.

18 comments:

  1. I think it sounds like a sensible choice with regards to your bf. Its good you parted on good terms and as you said you can always pick things up again once things have been sorted through.
    Feeling inadequate like that wasnt good for you, you are most definitely good enough for him, your an amazing girl, so take some time and rebuild your confidence.

    Your course sounds like a lot of fun :-). Is a RD, a nutritionist/dietitian? If so I think you'd be ideal for that, you know so much about nutritional things already and you offer brilliant advice to people, definitely keep it in mind and its a good job.

    Nice to hear from you again,
    xox
    Laura

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  2. I think you would make an amazing RD. you've gone through this yourself, and speak to other ED sufferers patiently and without lecturing. i know I've gone to you with advice in the past; I trusted you without even knowing you, and you helped me a great deal. i think you could give people a lot of hope. you already do.

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  3. Hey hun, great to see u post again. Sorry to hear about you and the bf, but sometimes its great to have some time to just be you and find you and get to know yourself, y'know. especially going through/after going through recovery.

    Its so nice to hear from someone from 'beyond' who ahs gone the distance with recovery.

    Take care
    fi
    xxx

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  4. I think you'd make a great RD. I know it has become somewhat a cliche' for recoverers, but really it makes sense. Especially if you want to work with eating disorder patients. They would trust you more than someone who's never struggled with the disease themselves. Hope it all works out :)

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  5. Its really good to hear that you are being more yourself. Have fun with those classes, they suit you well! :)
    Maddi

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  6. I'm really happy to hear that things are going so well for you! I think you'll make an amazing RD. Especially considering how good you are at giving unofficial advice on your formspring and on the blog. I know that it helped me through my own personal recovery and I'm sure you'll be able to help tons other people.

    Good luck,
    Nicole G

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  7. Your certainty is obvious - something like that should not be ignored, and I am so happy that you are following the path you know feels right.
    Separating from someone gives you a chance to breathe and be yourself, without worrying about how your 'other half' would feel about it. Essentially, you are free to do what you want, and although you were anyway, this is almost like a ticket to freedom!
    People grow and change; you and D have grown and changed, but that's not to say things can't work out. You just need time, by the looks of things.

    I'm so happy that you're chacing your dreams. Go with your heart, Tori, because your heart knows what it wants.

    <3
    Eleanor

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  8. hey girl, i am glad to hear that you are doing what you need to do. i'm sorry to hear about D, but i know it was something you needed to do for your own sanity. email me anytime :-) or call!

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  9. Tori, i love you. :) + I've missed your posts!
    reading this made me happy, as much as i know you and D love each other, i think this is for the best.
    Hearing you write how great and happy you've been feeling and how well school is going so far, i am so overjoyed for you plus the fact that you are reconsidering your major to become an RD! ahh i think that is a really perfect field for you Tori... seriously you could help SO many, since you've already helped loads on your blog etc i can only imagine how many lives you will impact!-- i say go for it girly! ;D

    you are such a strong and strong minded, brave individual + beautiful girl..there is no one like you in this world.

    I love you so much babe and i can't wait to see whats in store in the future for you! :D
    any way, we must plan that day to meet up in the city ;) i miss you!

    love love love,
    Eliza

    PS: thank you for your comment on my post...it helped/meant a lot to me. <3

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  10. I am so glad that you did what was best for YOU, even if that meant breaking up. That shows a lot of courage, and it is really great!

    and I know what you mean about being an RD. I too struggle with figuring out if my desire to be a psychologist is my own, or ED's. And it is very hard to figure out. I know you will make the right decision though, and help everyone you encounter:)

    Scott

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  11. Hi Tori,

    Congratulations on all your life's changes. I'm so thrilled to read that you are feeling happier, more self-assured, and connected to friends.

    As for balancing your passion for art and decision to become an RD--I think you would be awesome--a great book I read that covers career choices geared toward people who have creative talents is called "The Career Guide for Creative and Unconventional People."

    Here's the link to their website: http://www.creativecareers.com/

    Cheers,
    Ilyse

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  12. It sounds like you're confident in your decision to break up with D and that's the most important part. It doesn't need to be justified other than you knowing it was the right decision and feeling good about it. I'm glad you're enjoying a broadened social life, too.

    I agree that an RD of stereotypical of ED recoverees, but maybe rightfully so! I have a dream of being an RD, and I am thinking about it more and more every day. I think it's a good plan if it sounds appealing to you, as it does to many others including myself. Do what you feel will be a right career for you. Stereotype or not, it's your life and if you're happy, that's all that matters.

    ♥Alexandra

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  13. Wow! Sounds like you have been going through an amazingly difficult period. I am so glad its all looking up for you!
    Good luck with your school work too
    :3

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  14. Confidence is very sexy. Remember that.

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  15. this makes me so happy, reading all of this.
    maybe becoming an RD is typical, but to be honest, i think you would do a good job. you know a lot about it already, you know what your patients would be going through, you understand them. you not only know that it's terrifying and scary to be in recover, but you know that it's TERRIFYING and SCARY, if that makes any sense...
    i think that you will be fantastic :)
    good luck with everything and take care xo

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  16. To put it simply, good for you. It sounds like a break in the relationship was needed.

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  17. I thought I commented on this post but apparently, I DIDNT!

    I think you would make an awesome RD. Thats what im going to school for as well. I follow you on formspring (hope that is not to super creepy) but i just really love the answers you give people. I think you could change many live <3

    Dana xo

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  18. ur back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-)

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