In the past few weeks, I have been through a lot. With school, with work, with D and other things. More than I can really even talk about to be honest.
To be honest, I am amazed at my ability to get through this past weekend. I kept going. I went to work, and I still did my best to take care of myself despite what transpired between D and I. He was very upset with me for going out with another boy despite us having broken up about two months ago now. After he calmed down, we had a really long talk about where we stand. And he finally came to the conclusion, on his own, that we need time apart and space from each other. After weeks of constant phone calls and texts, this is a huge relief to me. I don't care if I had to let him think this is his idea, just as long as it actually happens. Its what I've spent weeks asking from him but never got. I am so much more at peace now.
I'm tearing up in my drawing class which is pretty cool. That seems to be going well. I've been working a lot and facing the challenge of taking on two studio classes (12 hours) and two academic courses. I'm doing okay in all of them.
My birthday is this Sunday. I have both Saturday and Sunday night off. My friends are insisting we should party Saturday night. If I'm gonna be honest, I haven't really "celebrated" a birthday in years. I'm a bit nervous, it always seems that everything goes awry for me.
At this time of year, I always think back about where I was and how I was doing around my birthday in years prior.
Today, I looked through my old journal from 2008. I cannot believe how far I have come since that time. Like, I'm actually shocked at the difference in my mentality and how I feel about myself and my life. Two years ago, I was a shell of a person. I had no hope, no faith, and I believed nothing to live for. And while I still have my moments where I question, I never stop trying. I've learned that if I just keep going and don't give up, eventually things will come together. While it may be hard in the moment to keep going strong, all you have to do is hold on. I can't tell you how many times this weekend I felt like giving up. I haven't felt that kind of self-loathing and guilt in a long time. But I realized, am I going to let this boy do this to me? Do I want this person to have this kind of control over me, where I end up starving myself, hating myself just the way I used to? Do I want him to have the same power over me as my ED did? FUCK NO. And that is when I decided to have some pasta and chicken made with homemade sauce and grated parmesan cheese. I didn't measure. Just plopped some into the bowl, and sliced up a chicken breast. It was the most freeing and delicious meal I've eaten in some time, as I rarely get the chance eat my father's cooking. I don't know what he does to that sauce, but its like crack. Thick, almost creamy and rich in flavor. He even added in mushrooms and peppers this time. I actually packed some for dinner at work tonight too. Hehe. I don't care what ANYONE says, I'm an Italian and I will always love pasta.
And now, time to go to work. I have work and school til Friday. And maybe do some trouble making thereafter. ^.^
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago