Tuesday, October 12, 2010

10/12/10

In the past few weeks, I have been through a lot. With school, with work, with D and other things. More than I can really even talk about to be honest.
To be honest, I am amazed at my ability to get through this past weekend. I kept going. I went to work, and I still did my best to take care of myself despite what transpired between D and I. He was very upset with me for going out with another boy despite us having broken up about two months ago now. After he calmed down, we had a really long talk about where we stand. And he finally came to the conclusion, on his own, that we need time apart and space from each other. After weeks of constant phone calls and texts, this is a huge relief to me. I don't care if I had to let him think this is his idea, just as long as it actually happens. Its what I've spent weeks asking from him but never got. I am so much more at peace now.

I'm tearing up in my drawing class which is pretty cool. That seems to be going well. I've been working a lot and facing the challenge of taking on two studio classes (12 hours) and two academic courses. I'm doing okay in all of them.

My birthday is this Sunday. I have both Saturday and Sunday night off. My friends are insisting we should party Saturday night. If I'm gonna be honest, I haven't really "celebrated" a birthday in years. I'm a bit nervous, it always seems that everything goes awry for me.
At this time of year, I always think back about where I was and how I was doing around my birthday in years prior.
Today, I looked through my old journal from 2008. I cannot believe how far I have come since that time. Like, I'm actually shocked at the difference in my mentality and how I feel about myself and my life. Two years ago, I was a shell of a person. I had no hope, no faith, and I believed nothing to live for. And while I still have my moments where I question, I never stop trying. I've learned that if I just keep going and don't give up, eventually things will come together. While it may be hard in the moment to keep going strong, all you have to do is hold on. I can't tell you how many times this weekend I felt like giving up. I haven't felt that kind of self-loathing and guilt in a long time. But I realized, am I going to let this boy do this to me? Do I want this person to have this kind of control over me, where I end up starving myself, hating myself just the way I used to? Do I want him to have the same power over me as my ED did? FUCK NO. And that is when I decided to have some pasta and chicken made with homemade sauce and grated parmesan cheese. I didn't measure. Just plopped some into the bowl, and sliced up a chicken breast. It was the most freeing and delicious meal I've eaten in some time, as I rarely get the chance eat my father's cooking. I don't know what he does to that sauce, but its like crack. Thick, almost creamy and rich in flavor. He even added in mushrooms and peppers this time. I actually packed some for dinner at work tonight too. Hehe. I don't care what ANYONE says, I'm an Italian and I will always love pasta.

And now, time to go to work. I have work and school til Friday. And maybe do some trouble making thereafter. ^.^

9 comments:

  1. glad you have realized you are in control of your life and your fun. I hope you celebrate your birthday. Hope its a GREAT one!

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  2. i hope you got my card:-) you MUST celebrate this year, even if its quietly and in your own way. look at how far youve come.amazing.i luv u.alot!
    xoo

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  3. thats great tori! u are the only one who decides what direction ur life goes in and what u do, NOONE else. Its yours, your life and you only get one, make it a manifestation of ur inner most being. :)

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  4. I am so proud of you for perservering through the ups and downs :) YOU are amazing!! You have come so so far, and what better time to celebrate this than on your birthday! Have fun, enjoy yourself :)

    Scott

    P.S. I am reading through the Operation Beautiful book, and I think I might have seen you in there?? I read about Tori spelled the same way as you, and with a similar story, just wanted to know if it was you! That would be so cool!

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  5. Tori,
    I love you first of all! <3 This ended my hard day on such a positive/uplifting/inspiring note. Because #1 i could relate, #2 i miss you!! and it was just amazing to read. despite how much hardship you've been facing, your pushing through and that is awesome in so many ways.
    As i read the part about last year and where you are now etc...wow, i got chills! it's so true lovey, you have come so far, and the fact that with every down you have you seem to have that inner fighting spirit that shines through! because your too special to be controlled by anyone or anything. just hold on, keep going never give up/or give in. life is waiting and you are going to live a beautiful life to the utmost! and a wonderful birthday that you deserve because you deserve so much, more than you know!
    I love you.
    Oh and yay drawing class, pasta and bday ;)! gosh, i am thinking of you often here at school. we should talk soon?! :) miss you!

    xx
    maya

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  6. Do celebrate your birthday! It only comes once a year after all:)

    You are such an amazing inspiration, I hope you know that, Tori!You've seriously come so, so far, and you really motivate me to work at gaining my life back. Like Maya said, keep fighting for your independence, be it from ED or a boy. Let TORI do what she wants, not what anyone else says:)

    love ya, sweetie!

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  7. First of all wishing you a wonderful early birthday! You've been through so much- I say this is a time to start making NEW MEMORIES! Celebrate you this ENTIRE week! I also have horrible memories from Bday's IN THE PAST- but last yr I finally decided it's time to focus on the present/future and start making new memories. You are in my thoughts and prayers (for what it's worth) and I wish you nothing but strength, inner peace, joy, health and contentment, true love, self respect, peace of mind, and happiness! I think you are going to help so many people who are going through a hard time! You are an inspiration, by just being yourself!
    Love,
    Barbara
    HAPPY BIRTHDAY WEEK!!!!!

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  8. Hey Tori! Happy early birthday!!
    You should be so proud of yourself for getting through this weekend, and I'm really happy you're finally putting distance between you and D. He has not and will not be good for you! You're beautiful, intelligent, talented, and so strong, and anyone you choose to share that with should know he's won the frickin lottery.
    Recovery isn't that we won't have problems, life has ups and downs, and sometimes it just deals us some absolutely horrible things. Recovery just means that we have better ways of dealing with them and realizing food has nothing to do with it, it's way out of the equation. It's ok to acknowledge that we feel like crap, that we're sad, angry, hurt, disappointed. It happens. You're totally justified in feeling that way, but direct it where it should be directed. Be angry at D for treating you that way, feel frustrated that work keeps you long hours, feel tired, sad, whatever it is, but feel proud of yourself for being able to get through it, even one day at a time, feel grateful that the bad days serve as a contrast so you can appreciate the really excellent ones.
    And then make yourself a birthday cake and let your friends know exactly how you want to celebrate!

    love ya,
    Gaby

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  9. You are amazing, seriously! you give me so much hope for recovery. You should blog more if you have the time. I think it will show a lot of women/girls how far you can really come and how much BETTER life is without your ED. Plus, it' obvious a lot of people look up to you ::)

    Enjoy your weekend !

    Dana xox

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