Friday, October 29, 2010

10/29

For those of you who have kept tabs on my formspring, I'm sure you have noticed the sudden onslaught of insults and rude commentary from an anonymous commenter. While the things this person have said to me have not outright hurt me, or in any way had an effect on how I'm doing day to day, their words DO have an impact on me, and how I feel about the blogging community.

When I started this blog, we were a community of strangers that became friends, and supported each other. We comforted AND encouraged one another when we struggled, and we praised and helped each other accept and acknowledge our steps forward. This was not a community that was spiteful or hurtful, and it was not a place that tried to bring down those who were moving on with their lives in a positive way.

Now, I do not know who has been leaving me these comments, and quite frankly, I probably don't want to know. I do not appreciate betrayal of any nature. And in conjunction with my lack of time to post, I am not sure if I can really call myself a part of this community anymore. Not only is blogland different from when I started, I am different too. I see you all eating applesauce and blackbean brownies, kale chips and "blended banana ice cream" and all I want to say is: EAT THE REAL FREAKIN THING. If you want to recover, stop condoning your eating disordered behaviors and habits. Eat real ice cream. Drink real milk, real soda. Stop having diet food products. Eat real yogurt, have a bowl of real pasta with tomato sauce and parmesan instead of some homemade low-calorie bastardization of the real thing. Seriously - and then some of you wonder why you aren't getting better? "OMG I ate a whole head of iceberg lettuce today AND I had a handful of almonds. Why am I still losing weight?" You have no idea how frustrating it is for me, as someone who has been in the same damn place, idling my life away and sitting there, wondering why its not getting better. "Gee, well I ate half my sandwich today and I had about 2/3 of that apple so I'm doing better...." That is exactly what I'd tell myself. But you know what? Those teeny tiny improvements are NOT enough. Not when you are sick with anorexia. You cannot bargain with a devil, you will always lose in the end.
As much as a therapist would hate me for saying this because it encourages black and white thinking, when it comes to recovery, in some senses, it really is all or nothing. You can listen to your ED and make deals with yourself each day - "I'll eat the whole apple, but I have to walk for an extra 15 minutes." or "I'll increase by 100 calories even though I know I need to add at least 500 to start gaining." - OR you can stop and realize that this fuckin' thing is controlling your life, and that yknow what? Its about time you take the power back. Recovery should be done on YOUR terms, because the process is about freeing yourself, and saving your life - not your eating disorder's comfort zone. For years, I remained in this limbo where I could just barely keep my head above water. Sure, I was alive. But I dreaded every day of the life that I lived because it was nothing more than a short list of safe foods, exercise and self loathing, with occasional moments of feeling OK. It wasn't my life still, and it didn't take much for me to go spiraling down. You have to take a chance. One day at a time, one challenge at a time. But you've gotta just do it.
You will never feel ready to do something like this until you're about half way through. Its like jumping into a pool. You can stand at the edge, peering into the water, maybe touch your toes to the surface to see how it feels. But its always cold and startling on that first feel. It doesn't feel comfortable until you've submerged yourself. And once you're in the water, you begin to see its pretty damn fine and you had nothing to worry about.
So as I said, JUST FREAKING DO IT. Be afraid all you want, that's part of defying your ED. But don't let your eating disorder's fears hold you back anymore.

I don't even know why I wrote all of this, because for most you, it won't make a smidgen of difference. But at least I've spoken my piece and now, I bid you farewell.

26 comments:

  1. girl, you are ABSOLUTELY right, and i'm so glad that you're saying it. i used to cry that "it's not as easy as 'just eating'" when people would tell me to "just eat," and that "it's not a choice!!!" *tears, tears, drama* yeah, it IS "just eat" (alongside some therapy, but that's not going to get anywhere if you aren't eating), and YES, it absolutely is a choice. it is in NO way a choice to get anorexia, but it is most definitely a choice to recover. (i actually had a dream just last night that someone was telling me about a milkshake they had using three cups of skim milk, unsweetened chocolate, berries, and splenda, and in my dream i was like wtf why don't you just use 2% and sugar and not have to drink so much... such a strange dream to have, anyway.) i support you 100%. please keep doing what you're doing, and seriously, if you ever want to talk, i'd be more than happy to. you are inspiring to so many people.
    lucie <3

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  2. tori once again you hit the spot!
    I too get angry when I see thing like this on the internet. especially now that I have to deal with the colitis too the eating part is so fucking hard. BUT i do it. I gain weight and I stopped all low calorie food eating. I really don't need anything that fills my stomach with no nutritional value and calories. I have done enough of that in the past!

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  3. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH TORI. This is seriously an amazing post.

    I am also SOOO sick of people who are eating arnold's 100 calorie sandwich thins spread with 35 calorie babybell cheese and wondering why they can't gain weight.

    And I agree--if you want a brownie, eat a frickin brownie. The "fake" version won't satisfy you anyway, and you'll probably end up eating 5 of them when really you could have just had one rich, delicious, REAL brownie instead. (I actually just made brownies last night for my boy and his roommates. And I ate 3 of them. With a glass of WHOLE milk. Oh no, not whole milk! too much fat and calories. EFF THAT. it was delightful.)

    Ahem. ANYWAY. I don't know if you've read my most recent post, but I am going to shift the focus of my blog. I am so sick of people posting about their eating disorders all the time. My eating disorder no longer defines me. I am me. Food is food. It has no power anymore. If I want some low-calorie fro yo, I eat it. But if I'm craving a large bagel with full-fat cream cheese from the coffee shop where I work, then I eat it, for Goodness' sake!

    Ok this comment is too long.

    But I just want to say, I am on the same page. And I support and love you.

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  4. exactly! ughh kale chips? black bean brownies?excuse me but wtf?!
    and those pple who try to convince themselves that tofu noodles or a squash can even resemble real pasta?! its makes me laugh and sad bc that was me. this post is so incredibly relevent to me right now so i thank you. you must have psychic powers lol. im so wacky!:-) i luv u!

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  5. I'm glad you took the time to write this post 'cause it's awesome in all its frankness. Sometimes I want to scream the exact words you said, but then I'd be the bad guy, right? I haven't been on formspring lately, so I had no idea people were harassing you. Sorry to hear that :/

    Even though I recently restarted my oatmeal blog just because I like to post weird crap, and I still read some blogs (my favorite is actually not food-related at all), I don't feel like I'm a part of the community I first started in either. It's hard to see people stagnating online when I started reading them years ago and they haven't changed.

    I still eat low-calorie foods like apples because I like them, but since I stopped the kind of blogging I used to do, I've eaten things that other people cook me (like my bf's WHITE FLOUR tortillas and buttery scrambled eggs), full-fat normal strawberry ice cream at the park, sugar cookies with frosting. Guess what? I'm a normal, stabilized weight. Those foods didn't kill me. But if I blogged about them, I'd probably come off as very unhealthy and gross. Oh well.

    The world is amazing when it's not just a can of pumpkin puree.

    You've come so far since I first started reading you. You're one of the few who have fought to truly get better and, in the process, inspired me to just shut the fuck up and eat a chocolate chip cookie. :) Glad we're at least facebook friends!

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  6. Hey Tori,

    THANK YOU for this post! Though I'm not really part of the "blog world," per se, I have come across FAR too many bloggers who seem to be kidding themselves, and it's driving me crazy as well. (And as someone who is FINALLY on her way to recovery, I still have to admit that it is triggering at times.)

    I can attest to both sides: I've made kale chips and black bean brownies and LOVED them, I have a bit of an addiction to raw carrots, apples are in season and fantastic right now, and I was a happy, healthy, non-ED'd vegan for years. But I still enjoy a good white sourdough bread with REAL butter, I love bison burgers, and there's nothing like a warm, gooey, homemade chocolate chip cookie right out of the oven!

    My point is, all foods can fit. As I like to say, food is not life - it simply gives you the energy to live it.

    Thanks for your commitment to bare-bones, brutal honesty - it's a rare thing these days, especially in Blogland :).

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  7. What an awesome post...
    Seriously i have come to rely on you for some SANITY in this often crazy world of "healthy" eating. Since when did healthy eating mean depriving yourself of all the good things that yes, may have a slightly higher fat content, but are actually WAY better for you in the long term!

    I have been swayed sometimes into trying an "alternative" but luckily i have now faced the realisation that if i truly WANT to recover, then i need to embrace both sides of the plate, eating what i want and enjoying it. No guilt, no consequences... i dont want to only eat something if i have to worry about then burning it off, wheres the fun in that!?!

    Thankyou for putting this out there... I think generally this community is a very warm and supportive one, so im sorry to hear that there are "anonymous" haters... its sad, cos if they have something to say, why hide?! We NEED to encourage each other to push ourselves for the best, and sometimes a little tough love is the best medecine! :-)
    x

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  8. Wooo!!!! love this post!!!!! i just made a hot chocolate with full fat milk, the real stuff and not 1 or 2 tsp, but idk an UNMEASUREd amount of the sugary cocoa powder mixed with hot cows milk. (not a hot cow :P, but cows milk that has been heated!)recovery should be black or white, and yes, youre right, we should all just eat the damn real thing, otherwise, we are masking out ed's-thanks tori, and i hope the abusive commenter cops the hell on sometime soon! u dont deserve that!
    f
    xxx

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  9. Such true, brave, real words. I applaud you.

    xoxo

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  10. Amen. I feel sort of like a hypocrite because that was definitely me for far too long, but once I took that leap and found myself still alive - life is so beautiful. Thanks for the post, seriously.

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  11. Thank you for being exactly what the blog world needs. Seriously. Best post I have ever read. You are amazing.

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  12. These words are exactly what so many people (myself included) need to hear. I seriously hope this post reaches hundreds of thousands of people and they take your words to heart because you could save lives with this post. You rock. LOVE.

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  13. Tori. This is why I freaking love you. You are one of the TRUEST form of recovery I know. You give no bullshit, you take ED by its horns, and you don't make excuses for yourself.

    This: "Not when you are sick with anorexia. You cannot bargain with a devil, you will always lose in the end."

    So. Freaking. True. I say that all the damn time. I bargained with it for 4-5 years, thinking I'm in "recovery"...but I never freaking was. You don't become a "little" pregnant. It's all or nothing. Anorexia, or life.

    I argue with my friend all the time about these "healthy" options: she's always baking vegan, primal stuff, and that just seems messed up to me. Of course, there's nothing wrong in eating applesauce and blackbean brownies, kale chips and banana ice cream...but if it's because you dont' dare to eat the real thing, or you've somehow deluded yourself into thinking you only "like" those things...then you need some re-evaluation of what recovery means to you.

    Oh, and by "you" i meant it in the generic sense, of course. ;-)

    Tori, you're freaking awesome. That's all I have to conclude for this.

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  14. It is so saddening to think that someone would post comments like that on your formspring :'( I am so sorry you had to go through that :(

    And Tori, I agree with you 110% about eating the "real thing". I still struggle with letting myself do that, but when I do it is FOR SURE worth it! Nothing compares to a whole milk cappuccino ;)

    Tori, you are a WONDERFUL person, and I am so so sorry that someone is putting up stupid comments like that :( They know nothing, and are probably really sick, and you know that.

    <3

    Scott

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  15. i had to do what your statement said before i realized the meaning of getting better.. not recovery, not recovered, not weight gain, not weight loss... living a life shouldn't and can not be based on facts, figures, numbers or reflection. Unless you have xray vision into the Chestical area...

    live happy.
    i love you lady.
    from down here, geelong
    Australia.
    xxx

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  16. ps. the little code thing was

    :cocabraz:


    hilarious and cute. xx

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  17. I don't know if I've ever commented on your blog, but I just have to do it now. This post was simply awesome. Probably you've just insulted a half of your readers, but who cares :P Just THANKS. This post means A LOT, at least for me.

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  18. Amen Sistah!! :)
    I'm sorry people like to give you crap, the internet sucks sometimes. but I agree about a gazillion % or more with everything you've said here. I've had to stop reading so many blogs because it's just frustrating, even the ones that aren't recovery blogs, they're just "normal" people. But they do not eat enough!!! It drives me insane and on top that, I frankly don't care what other people are eating anymore.
    I did the same thing and have been coasting for years, doing just enough to not be sick anymore, but definitely not enough to pull myself out of the disordered thoughts or get to my healthiest body. Well, I'm doing it now and it's so liberating! Terrifying, but liberating if that makes sense. It's actually insane how much it takes! But whatevs, I have real hunger cues and I like them and I go with it, and I order takeout and eat entire pizzas as my 5th and not last meal of the day, and go to bakeries, and restaurants because it's fun and social, and avoid the diet crap because it tastes like....crap.
    And it gets so much easier once you start, it doesn't mean the voice trying to make you feel bad goes away, it just doesn't matter anymore. If the worst that this is going to do to me is make me a little afraid or a little nervous, I've got it pretty good. I've accomplished a lot of other things that were scary, but that doesn't mean don't do it.

    Anyways, I'm just babbling, but wanted to remind you that you're awesome and "anonymous" is just jealous :)

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  19. Seriously...thank you for this. I consider myself mostly recovered, but from time to time I check some blogs of recovering people and yours really gives me hope. Yeah, you (not you- but a good number of other blogs) can take pictures of your oatmeal all you want, and lament about how hard and slow the recovery process is going, but at the end of the day what are you really doing to FIGHT?!
    1. Throw out your fashion magazines
    2. Stop taking pictures of yourself in your latest and greatest outfits (it feeds into the "look how tiny I am" problem and if you continue to place such emphasis on your looks, well, you won't get anywhere)
    3. Stop overanalyzing everything. I know the temptation is there to pore over every detail of that struggle in going out to eat, but you know what? You survived. Embrace it, and move on. Let go of the obsessive thoughts...by moving on.

    Thanks for posting this, Tori. You are truly an inspiration and I hope your readers listen up.

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  20. Tori,
    As all the bloggers above have stated, this post is so honest and such a great wake up call for people who are struggling with recovery.
    You have it totally right in that we must push ourselves to eat REAL food and REALLY make a REAL effort towards recovery.
    I also have to say that while I struggle with orthorexic tendecies, seeing your blog is so inspiring as I challenge myself to eat what I see my friends and normal people around me.
    It's refreshing to read your take on recovery!!

    Whoever said you were fat on formspring...not sure what to say without being judgemental towards them but I hope they stop because you're strong, and beautiful inside and out. And as you said and we know, clearly NOT fat AT ALL.

    Thank you so much for your post!

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  21. You have my support always. Don't let those comments get you down! People always tear others down when they are feeling shitty about themselves- it makes them feel superior to bash someone who is doing well-and not give them credit for doing well, because they themselves are flailing and struggling and are filled with self-loathing!
    You are amazing, and honest, open and a success by every definition!
    Love you lots!
    Barbara

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  22. Great post, I am praying for you.

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  23. What a REFRESHING post!! JUST FREAKING DO IT!!! That's what I want to post to people complaining and struggling and trying to "keep their head above water." You CAN do it, you just have to stay focused and learn to live and love yourself.
    Thanks and we all love you :)

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  24. Thank you thank you thank you...
    I feel a bit hypocritical writing this as I AM one of those people who make banana 'ice cream' and alternatives to the real deal. And I know that I'm just giving in to ED in that sense. So why do I keep doing it? I don't know. But I should stop, I do know that.
    So tonight, I'm having real oatmeal.
    I've always admired you Tori, because of your strength and determination in beating this monster, but also because you are one of the few who eat the real stuff, meat, dairy, sugar, you eat it all. I haven't ever seen you succumb to the stevia fad, the vegan fad... any of those and I admire you so much more for that.
    Thank you :)

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  25. Powerful words. I couldn't have said it any better myself :P

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  26. This is truly an amazing post. I agree with you 100% that when it comes to making important decisions, it pretty much is black and white, all or nothing. You have to free yourself and commit. Just jump in because once you are in and the shock of the cold water has subsided you can find that you actually enjoy swimming in the pool and it's not as cold anymore. Someone very close to me has been struggling with ED for most of her life (I have also had struggles). I love her immensely, I wish she could read this and realize what you have, for I've tryed to so hard to help her realize that she can't get better by making the little changes, which will just lead to more conditioning and tailoring of what she eats. I don't know you but I want to say thank you for this post, for having faith and trust in your life, for finding your route to happiness and taking the leap of faith.

    Much love and many blessings Tori.

    p.s. Coco I agree with your comment!

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