This morning, I slept til 10AM, something I rarely ever do. I went out with friends around 9:30 last night, and didn't come home until 3:30 in the morning. I had a bagel with peanut butter for a quick dinner before going out. We all had drinks and there was much craziness. And I had the most fun that I've been able to have in awhile.
Today, I am going to the boy's for Thanksgiving dinner. I've not eaten turkey and mashed 'tatties on Thanksgiving day in nearly a decade. And I am going to enjoy it, because of who I'm with, and because I can.
Tonight, I am working the over night shift. I have to be into work at 11:30PM and will not leave until at least 11:30 AM tomorrow. I stocked up on energy drinks to keep me going, and am going to either bring or buy brekkie at Starbucks.
I admit, even after all my time in recovery - I have often struggled with eating because I never really got regular hunger cues back and never experienced having a desire for something specific. But lately, those sensations are coming back. Lately, I am proud of myself, of my body and who I am as a person. I am going to graduate college with two degrees - an associates in Fine Arts, and a BS in Public Health and Nutrition Sciences. I may not be done til I'm 26 - but I'm fuckin' doing it. I go to the gym, and I feel excited when I can lift heavier than I did the week before. I go to school, and I am able to feel excited and passionate about the art work I'm creating - even when it's a self portrait (something I feared greatly BTW) .
In short, I am thankful for the life that I am able to live. At times, I wonder what could have been had I not relapsed and dropped out of Pratt in 2006, if I had stayed and somehow managed to turn things around - how different could my life be? But its a moot point to think about, because its not the way things are. No use beating myself up over it. This is where my life is at. And you know what? If I hadn't gone through all of this, I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't be the person I am, I wouldn't be writing this blog, and I wouldn't have met many of the wonderful people that I now consider my friends (from blogging and life alike). I wouldn't have the appreciation for my life, my body and mind that I have now. So in some awkward way, I am grateful for the life I have led thus far, anorexia and all. Because it has led me here, to a place that I am happy with.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago