2/27

Wooow. I can't believe the amount of questions I've gotten on formspring. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting so many. But I'm pretty excited about it. I'm glad to answer every question as best I can. I'm also glad that some of my readers have expressed what else they'd like to see on my little ol' blog here.

This past week has been CRAZY with the weather we've had. So much rain, oh man. I really dislike precipitation in all forms at the moment. I'm so glad to finally be seeing the sun today.

On the bright side, I did get to try a few new things this week.

Koka Mocha probar from Maya and Eliza.
I've actually never had a probar before up until Monday. I was expecting it to be more like a larabar for some reason? But it was totally different - kind of like a cross between a larabar and a regular granola bar. This one had hunks of chocolate, almonds and coconut in it! Can't fail there, that's for sure. It was lightly sweet, chewy and dense. I'd definitely have it again should I ever find one.

And this morning, I decided to try out a Justin's PB packet on my second breakfast. I don't have a picture because I'm ridic and my camera had no battery power. But, I used the whole packet on top of a fage with granola. I was expecting it to be like PBCO cinnamon raisin PB, only sans raisins. But once again - I was surprised. The peanut butter was much more thick and "peanutty" in consistency - not all runny and soft like the PBCO stuff. It was really quite good, definitely different, but I actually prefer the thicker and less sweetened taste to it. Its too bad they don't sell it around here - I'd be willing to switch my allegiance of flavored peanut butters for this one.

BTW - not my new thing - but Stef is having her first give away. New veggie cookbooks for someone out there! She's such a sweet heart.

Now, to address something I have a feeling some of you have noticed. I don't post every thing I eat here, obviously. I don't even always write about my "victories" in terms of challenges eating wise. Why? Because honestly - to me, it is JUST food. I ate dinner at McDonald's a week or two ago. I had pizza at work a few nights ago. I went out for drinks last Friday, and had a rum n coke, and a shot. I had my dad's french onion soup with croutons and cheese. Do I take pictures of all these things? No. Because I don't want to feel like I need to prove something. And in reality - there is nothing to prove. I eat what I want. Do I generally eat healthy foods? Yes. I also eat out of convenience, and that does tend to mean I eat a lot of the same things, because they are what happens to be in the fridge all the time. My parents don't keep things like cookies or pancakes or what have you in the house all that much, so I don't really get to eat those things unless I've gone out or I've gotten to put some input into the grocery list. That's what makes them treats though - the fact that we don't have those things in our house all the time. It may mean that to some of you - I only eat "safe" foods. But I personally don't see anything wrong with the fact that I primarily eat healthy food at home. When I go out to eat (usually about 1-2X a week) - you can be damn sure I eat what I want regardless of whether its an omelette with hash browns for lunch or a chocolate chip muffin for a dessert.

At the end of the week, I feel happy and free. And if you ask me, that's more important than meeting some checklist or quota of the number of times I've eaten outside of my staple foods.


Speaking of which, here's today's lunch:


Summer Pasta Salad ( 1 cup pasta, 1TBS each olive oil and Thousand Island, dressing, 1/2 cup broccoli, 2TBS raisins, 1/5 raw tofu,plus some crushed red pepper and romaine)
Pasta salad is my favorite food to eat in the summer - its light and refreshing but still really nutrient dense and good for you. Plus I just love pasta. And since the sun has finally come out, I'm celebrating with summery food.

About half a cup of frozen strawberries alongside 6 squares of G&B maya gold chocolate may have also been eaten as a little dessert....^.^
Yeah, after I had that mini-bar from Maya and Eliza, I kind of fell in love with that stuff.
No shame.

I'm a follower.

That's right. I'm jumping on the bandwagon (how often does this happen?)
But since I figured this would kind of enable me to be more interactive with all my bloggie friends, I figured what the hell!
I now have a formspring account. Hit me up!

http://www.formspring.me/almondsandhoney

Happy Tuesday all!


The perfect rainy day breakfast: 1/3 cup oat bran cooked in a cup of vanilla soy milk with cinnamon, sliced bananas, coconut flakes almonds, drizzle of honey and PB. Always a cheer-me-up.

Hey hey hey.

So! After my little blow out the other day, things have gotten infinitely better. I cannot thank all of you lovies enough. I know I haven't been the best of bloggers lately, and I am really, really grateful that none of you wonderful people have held that against me. I truly appreciate every word and you guys never fail to make me smile when I'm down.

On the upshot, here is proof that my lack of posting isn't for naught:

Hell yeah! I made Dean's List this past semester. I'm kind of stoked. Or maybe a lot. But if I can keep this up, I *might* be able to get a scholarship to a 4-year college and go somewhere other than SCSU. Not that Southern's a bad school, but I'd really like to go somewhere that's more than 2-3 towns north....

I spent 3 hours yesterday tearing up tiny bits of painted paper to make a 18"X24" still life in drawing class. When my teacher was walking around the class, she stopped to look at mine and said "Wow, that's amazing Victoria." And in our last class, she declared my ink drawing to be "by far, the most complex and intricately done sketch in the class." I'm sorry if I sound like I'm bragging. I'm just really excited to finally be getting positive feedback on my work. The first few weeks people barely even spoke to me and I didn't feel very confident being there. But I'm trying to talk more often in class and I'm beginning to feel less inferior. Does anyone else ever feel like they have a hard time socializing? I do in school at times. I think its because of how much school I missed due to the ED. I'm entirely aware of the fact that save a few random kids who got held back or didn't pass enough courses, I'm one of the oldest people in the room in a freshman class. Several kids have said that they thought I was 18-19. I'm 21, turning 22. So I did definitely feel slightly out of place, like it was written on my forehead that I was three years behind in where I "should" be for a college student. But you know what? One of the guys in my drawing class said, "I will graduate when its time for me to graduate. There is no real specific age for that anymore." And you know what? He's right. I had planned my life out when I was 17. I was going to move to NY. Graduate from Pratt in 2010. Go on for my masters, get my teaching degree. Find a job in the city and so forth. Ain't none of that happened. And while I've fallen apart many times through the past four years, I'm doing alright. And that's the part that matters. It doesn't matter where you are, just how you got there, and how you're making the most of it.

I can tell you one thing for sure. I may not have good days always, but at the end of the week, I'm still happier than I've been in at least 5 years. And in speaking of making the most of things, here's how we do it when Tori has hit the bottom of the box of cereal and the last tablespoon of PB and has to go grocery shopping before work today:

Plain yogurt, about 1/3 of a cup oats and some soymilk all soaked together with sliced banana, dried mission figs, walnuts, almonds and PB. Plus a drizzle of honey and a cup of coffee with Vanilla Caramel creamer (love this stuff!). This is definitely a kitchen sink breakfast, but hey! Nothin wrong with that.

Tonight is the boy's friend's birthday. Soooo I'll be gettin my drank on after work. Should be good times. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Some days.

Some days are better than others.
This was not one of those days.

Yes, you heard me. Today was an awful day. I have spent about 6 hours napping, at least. Purely because I needed to escape myself. My anxiety has not been this high in months, maybe even almost a year.
Today made me feel like I was trapped somewhere back in December 2008. It was horrible. I didn't feel appetite all day. I just had to force myself to sit down and eat most of the day, with no real desire for anything. All I wanted was to sleep and smoke my cigarettes on the brief occasions I left my bed (like for school.....BTW I went to class in my sweats and hoodie with ridic bedhead. Apparently I'm adorable that way?)
What to do on days like this?
I don't know. I know my ED was beating up on me for eating as much as I have today despite my skipping a day's run to go out for coffee and shopping with my friend Liza yesterday. And on top of that - my car is currently not in drive-able condition. And then to lose my appetite too? Bleh. Not a fun day. I was stuffed mid-way through my breakfast this morning and haven't felt hungry since then. Only option? Lots of high-cal, low volume foods. I did the best I could do for today. I will do better tomorrow. That's all I can say. My friend in the army actually called me and "ate" every meal - breakfast through my last snack- with me over the phone. He really helped me a lot and I'm so glad that I talked to him.

But on a deeper level - I HATE how anorexia sneaks up like this. I was not at all prepared to be dealing with these feelings today. I took a walk outside, in the snow. Just because I couldn't stand being in the house anymore. I will admit - a part of me is really struggling lately. My body is starting to go through some kind of big changes that I had not expected to occur (read: I am growing boobs. Again. And again. And again. they are getting noticeably bigger on a near monthly basis) And its very hard for me to deal with. I want to be happy about it. Most of the time I am. But then I kind of panic about it too - I pretty much skipped puberty. I got taller when I was about 12. I stretched from 4'11 to 5'6" in about 18 months. And then grew again after going through my first bout of treatment for anorexia. My anorexia started when I was around 12. I never got hips. I never had boobs. I never had curves. I started to develop some curves as I gained weight this past year and a half. And I've seen the weight shift a bit here and there. But this is different. It seems like a ridiculous thing to be freaked out by. But I'd finally begun to really feel OK with the body I had and now its changing again. I suppose most would say its for the better, but I'll have to learn this all over again. I guess I just kind of feel like I have to kind of start this whole self-acceptance thing again. I need to not feel angry or upset by this. I'm doing OK for the most part - mosy days I'm elated to finally look like I'm becoming a woman. There is a sense of self-consciousness though. I think being an anorexic - even a recovering one - makes one more aware of the state of ones body and more attuned to changes. And also, given the general state of mind of an anorexic - we dislike things that are out of our control. As mentioned in my last post - I have realized that I cannot truly control the shape of my body. And for me, its really not healthy to try to do so.
Perhaps, perhaps - this struggle today is a sign that I truly am on the right path.
If I think back on it, literally every time I've had any sort of epiphany or major ED-breakthrough, within the next day or two - I have a meltdown. And then I'm that much stronger thereafter. So perhaps this day, as bad as it felt, was its own blessing. Its shown me that hey - I'm gonna have days where I feel like hell. But it doesn't have to ruin me. Even the worst of days has its merit. And this one's is that it means I truly am going in the right direction by letting go of the rigidity, and learning to trust and accept my body for what it is and what it needs.

Experiment.

Yesterday was any other day. I woke up. Made my new usual breakfast (as seen in my last post - yummy x10). And as I went to go write it down on my note pad - I realized I had finished off the last page on Friday.
I've spent eighteen months documenting every thing I've eaten and adding it up the make sure it was enough.
And yesterday, for the first time it hit me that maybe I don't need to do it anymore. Most of the time, I write it down out of habit, not for checking. I usually know what I need to eat, regardless of its written down or not. So yesterday, I decided to see if I could do it. If I could eat enough without having to write it all down and check it throughout the day to make sure.
After breakfast, I went for a run. I came home and had a yogurt with chopped apple, granola, and PB. Because that sounded like the perfect snack after a run.
For lunch, I had some bulgur wheat with hummus, corn, raisins and tofu. Because I had it in the fridge and y'know bulgur with hummus rocks.
Snack before work? A PBJ and another yogurt with melted strawberries and a drizzle of honey. Perfect snack to fuel me up for a solid 4.5 hours til my break at work.
Dinner at work? Tuna and avocado salad wrap - easily transportable and yummy.
And on my way out of work I was feeling pretty stressed and craving chocolate. I bought a Dove dark chocolate bar off one of the registers, and ate it on my way out to my car.

I ate enough. Without even really thinking too much about it. Yes, I still measured out proper portions for myself. But not one thing was planned or written down. It was just what I wanted to eat, what sounded good. I still can't quite believe I did it. But I think that maybe, just maybe - I am at a point now where I can trust myself, and my body, to know what I need.

On top of this, I also had the thought that maybe it IS time for me to stop meticulously counting calories. Not just because it makes me crazy, but because I need to let go of that idea of control. I'm learning more and more each day that I cannot control everything. And I shouldn't try to take that lack of control out on my body or through my caloric intake. I know I've been in recovery for awhile now, but it finally occurred to me that even the way I plan out my meals and such is still an anorexic behavior. And its something I don't really know if I need to do anymore. So I'm going to try to go without it and see how I do. I think I can do it. And I will.

I had a rough night at work. Turns out one of my fellow cashiers, whom I thought I was friendly with, has been talking smack about me to the other girls in our age group. WHAT! I gave this girl a ride home at freakin 10PM, drove around a town I didn't know very well for a freakin' HOUR because SHE didn't know how to give me proper directions back to the main road. And she has the nerve to say I'm stupid, a bad driver? Psh. That's not even what upset me. She's also been telling everyone that I look sick because I'm too thin and that I look like I have an illness.
Hearing those words made me cringe. I know what sick looked like, and I do not look like that now. I know she spoke out of jealousy and immaturity. And you know what? I really don't care if she wants to call me stupid; I've had 4.0 GPA since I started college in 2007. If she wants to call me a bad driver; fine. I've driven another woman at work home multiple times, even in the snow. And she has frequently said that she felt very safe driving with me and that I was very capable. The sick thing? I've dealt with that since I was in high school. Girls can be petty, especially when someone has something that they want. And you know what? People can say what they want. Let 'em hate. I've been through hell and I fought my way up from the bottom just to even be at the weight I'm at now, to have the life that I have now, and I'm still fighting to keep getting healthier. I know what I've accomplished. And no one's envious and petty commentary is going to take that way from me.

Phew. I really needed to get that out of my system.

Happy Sunday!

Thursday.

I cannot thank you guys enough for the support you gave me on the last post. It meant SO much to me, you have no idea. I've been trying to comment everyone back, but yesterday was my first day off of work/school in like six days. I spent the majority of the day catching up on sleep and working on some art work. But truly, I cannot thank you all enough. You guys make me feel 100X better, stronger and calmer about everything.

Speaking of yesterday, I legit couldn't even SEE out the windows of my house for most of the day. I sincerely hope this is the last snow of the winter. I know it looks pretty, but really - the chances of it ever again snowing on a day I already had off of work = slim to none. I was dancing for joy while making my breakfast yesterday, purely because school was cancelled and I didn't have to worry about transporting myself to work in the blizzard. Oh yes, Wal-Mart was still open yesterday. Fortunately, I was spared the awkwardness of being called in anyways.



My favorite breakfast as of late: Kashi Go Lean with vanilla soymilk, cinnamon, banana slices, coconut flakes and either Simply Jif creamy PB or PBCO White Chocolate Wonderful.

Also, I've devised a few quick and yummy dinners, and a new nighttime snack that's pretty darn delicious. I'll have to get a photo or two and post up my little concoctions for you all.

Happy Thursday! And lets all be very careful today. Snow is pretty to look at, but a foot of it can be a treacherous.

Explosion.

Some of you may know this, most of you probably don't. But my father is a construction worker. He's been working at a power plant in Middletown here in CT.
Yesterday morning, there was a gas explosion at his construction site that left 5 people dead and dozens wounded.
I was at work all day yesterday. When I walked in the door, my mother informed me of the accident. My father was safe, fortunately. But he is now going to be unemployed for an undetermined amount of time - he may not be going back to work. At all.

This is not the first time there has been a grave accident on the job. My father is thinking about retiring early. I'm not sure what this means for me in terms of work and school. I may have to pick up a second job this summer. I can do a full two years at the community college, but I'll still need to pay for another 2 years at a university. I'm realizing now that I need to pick up the pieces faster, get myself together sooner. I need to be prepared to take care of myself in all ways - financially, emotionally, physically - within the next few months. This amount of responsibility is a bit frightening. I knew that this day was going to come. I just didn't expect it to come under these kind of circumstances, and without much warning.

I can do this. And so, I will.