Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Discussions.

This week, I will have finished off my first year of school in nearly 6 years without relapse or removal. This feels like a huge accomplishment, for real. I got exempted from my final exam for Sociology for being an awesome student all semester. So my last day of class is tomorrow, final critiques in Drawing. BTW I presented my final for drawing yesterday actually. And I did some awesome work, if I may say so myself. Here's a sneak peak of two of my five drawings:



In case you can't tell, I did a series of drawing from the hidden playground by my house.


This week, I also have faced up to many of my own imperfections. And I am not punishing myself for them. Me and the boy have had a few arguments. Mainly due to my ED and the remnants of ED's voice that are still in my head. I am very critical of myself and I have a hard time not taking some of his "jokes" offensively. I was wearing sweats the other day, and he told me I looked lazy. I got upset and pretty much curled up into a ball and didn't make eye contact with him for a good half an hour.

One good thing did come from the conversation. I've been really stressed at the prospect of having to buy new jeans. I have ONE pair right now, because my other two were ripped and old and no longer looked "right" when I put them on - if that makes sense? For whatever reason, probably from being worn so much, they no longer fit right and looked frumpy on me. So I gave them to Goodwill. But I had an immense fear that when I eventually got around to buying a new pair of jeans or two - I'd have to go up a size since I have put on a few more pounds in the past 6 months or so. Boy said to me - "That is a GOOD thing. It means you're recovering for real this time. You are 5'8", you shouldn't be wearing size 0, or even one size up from that. Wearing a 2 at your height is still crazy small. Its really not that big of a deal. No girl should wear a size 0 unless she's 15 and 5' tall."
This really struck me. My ED had me convinced for years that 0 was the only size I could wear. I don't know why. It was just an obsession with that number that indicated I didn't take up space. So I am now determined to buy the next size up, and gain until those fit properly.

In other news, I have found out that I LOVE bagels. I've not had one since being inpatient. But I bought a package of whole wheat bagels on a whim - they're 260 calories per bagel, and were $2.50 for a pack of 6 at my work. That's like, 40 cents a bagel! Heck yeah. And they are delish. My favorite combination thus far has been toasting a bagel, spreading it with copious amounts of peanut butter, sprinkling it with cinnamon, then drizzling it in honey. And then popping it back in the microwave for a few seconds of course.
I still can't eat dairy without feeling all bloaty and gassy and uncomfortable for hours, or even into the next day. So I don't really know what's going on there. What I do know is I have a stash of Greek yogurt in the fridge that I keep trying to polish off but whenever I have one, it has serious repercussions. Sigh. It makes me sad. I can have one about once a week without harm, but if I try to eat dairy more often than that, I feel awful. Hopefully I can coax my mother to try one or two....^.^

Today, my mom and I are going SHOPPING because I have my one final for Color Theory til 3PM, when she gets out of work. And since boy made plans with his friends, I'm gonna be rockin the mall with my momma. Should be fun, hopefully. Its rainy and ucky out. And since my hair is cuuuhrazzy now because I still haven't cut it so it's big, fluffy and all over the place, I have it pulled back into a half-pony tail.


Why hello 15 year old me! Aren't you cute? Must be since a customer actually made it a point to come back into the store after checking out last night to give me his number and request I call him sometime. LOL. I am kind of beginning to understand why Dan gets kind of jealous and over protective at times...

Well. I'm off to seize the day. Hope everyone is enjoying their Wednesday!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Stress much?

So. Two of my pieces made the cut for the art show. Apparently they wanted to make it fair by having a general rule of not allowing more than 2 per person. So hey.. Happy happy.

Maybe not.

To be honest, I am struggling with a lot of things lately. I feel like I have so much to do, so many people to please and no time to do it all. I have an awful schedule for work (as I've said before) plus I have demanding art classes, both my final projects are to require 15 hours of work. Plus, I have Dan who, I love him, but he can be a bit needy. I make time to see him 3-4 times a week to keep him happy. PLUS I have my friends that always want to see me too and I feel guilty when I can't make it because I'm too tired to go out at 10PM after work, or because its a night that I promised to Dan. AND then I also have my parents. We won't even go there. I love them too, but they are very critical and demanding of me and always trying to control me and what I do. AND then I also have my own internal pressures to quit smoking, quit watching my calorie intake and stop feeling so damn bad about myself for not being able to make everyone happy all the time. All this stress has had tremendous affects on my body. I can't eat dairy anymore. I get violent stomach pains and have been relying on 500 calorie shakes every day to get my calories in. I lost a bit of weight last week. I can't tell if I've increased my calories up enough to know if I've stopped the loss because guess what? The amount of stress I'm under has been enough to cause my period to come early even though I take BC. And that makes my weight fluctuate up anywhere from 1/2 - 2lbs. So GREAT. Even if my weight was up a pound from last week, I don't know if its a real pound or just due to my period. Best bet is probably to assume I'm just maintaining. Which means I've got 2 lbs to go to get back to a 17.5 BMI. And then however many more thereafter, I don't even know anymore. Also another stress. I have NO FUCKING IDEA what I am supposed to weigh or what a good weight for me is. And I'm really getting to the point where I do not care anymore. I don't want to think about numbers, BMI's or calories. I want my clothes to fit. I want to feel OK with my body most days, and I want to eat without worrying about if its too little or too many calories. But I can't do any of that right now because I'm so freakin afraid that I can't trust myself. Especially after losing despite eating my usual plenty and now maintaining on 300 more calories than I was before.

In short. I need a vacation. Badly. I can never half-ass anything. So all of these things are getting my undivided attention and all of my energy. I haven't been posting much, obviously. And its because I'm literally never home. I don't even watch TV anymore. Or read. Or make jewelry. Or bake. Really, I don't get to do many of the things I used to enjoy because there just aren't enough hours in the day and the occasional spare hours I have are usually spent napping.

I feel like I have nothing left for myself. And this feeling will only lead me to bad places, of that I am sure. I don't know how to slow down though. Maybe my constant activity is a form of escapism. But I think its mostly me, killing myself in attempt to make up for all the time I lost. And I already know - it is this same behavior, same attitude that lead me to my downfall in the past. How I'll fix it? I don't know. The semester ends in about two weeks. I'm not taking any summer courses. Hopefully that will be enough of a break to help me recharge and feel OK again.