It really breaks my heart to be writing this, but I think it might be time for me to go. I love you guys dearly, but I'm not sure I really fit in blog-land anymore. It seems to me that I'm not really all that wanted anymore. When the encouragement and support I attempt to share gets pretty much shot down and ignored, it hurts and I don't even want to bother anymore. I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but its the truth. I'm an honest person, and the reason I am so blunt about things is because sugarcoating it doesn't work. Glossing over anorexia's sneaky holds only permits its presence. You can't just recover in one area - it has to be the whole person, through and through - otherwise you are just placating the illness, be it in terms of what you weigh or what you allow yourself to eat. I'm tired of being attacked for my lack of weight gain in the past year. I'd like to see ANY of you who have shit to say about how I'm still too thin consume the amount of calories I eat every day and then tell me how it feels to have to do it every day, week after week and still see no weight gain. Hell, I'd like to see you go out for a meal with your boyfriend and clear off more food than he does. Go out to IHOP for dinner and polish off a plate of blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs, or take a road trip to Boston and eat a ham and cheese sandwich and a package of Pop Tarts from 7-11 for dinner. If you want to judge me, put on my shoes first. Then you can sling your mud and tell me how easy it is and how I "must not be trying hard enough".
I'm not sure if I will be posting again or not. But for now, I'm pretty upset and I think I need a hiatus from this world. If anyone actually wants to remain in touch, my email addresss is firstname.lastname@example.org
The Ebb and Flow
6 days ago