Monday, June 28, 2010

Monday.

It really breaks my heart to be writing this, but I think it might be time for me to go. I love you guys dearly, but I'm not sure I really fit in blog-land anymore. It seems to me that I'm not really all that wanted anymore. When the encouragement and support I attempt to share gets pretty much shot down and ignored, it hurts and I don't even want to bother anymore. I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but its the truth. I'm an honest person, and the reason I am so blunt about things is because sugarcoating it doesn't work. Glossing over anorexia's sneaky holds only permits its presence. You can't just recover in one area - it has to be the whole person, through and through - otherwise you are just placating the illness, be it in terms of what you weigh or what you allow yourself to eat. I'm tired of being attacked for my lack of weight gain in the past year. I'd like to see ANY of you who have shit to say about how I'm still too thin consume the amount of calories I eat every day and then tell me how it feels to have to do it every day, week after week and still see no weight gain. Hell, I'd like to see you go out for a meal with your boyfriend and clear off more food than he does. Go out to IHOP for dinner and polish off a plate of blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs, or take a road trip to Boston and eat a ham and cheese sandwich and a package of Pop Tarts from 7-11 for dinner. If you want to judge me, put on my shoes first. Then you can sling your mud and tell me how easy it is and how I "must not be trying hard enough".

I'm not sure if I will be posting again or not. But for now, I'm pretty upset and I think I need a hiatus from this world. If anyone actually wants to remain in touch, my email addresss is cloudyskies3443@yahoo.com

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Two Years

Two years and 12 days ago, I got up on a "chilly" June morning, stripped down and stepped on the scale. And for the first time, I was shocked and horrified by the number that wavered before my eyes. So much so that I had to weigh myself another three times to believe it was real. It was on that morning, probably purely from the shock of it, that I saw myself for what I had really become in just two months after a nine-week inpatient stay.

It was on that morning that I realized I was going to die from anorexia sooner than later. I was given the ultimatum - recover, or be put up in a motel room and wait to die.
It took weeks for me to even eat enough to keep a stable weight and process food properly. The first month of my homebound adventure in recovery - I shifted up and down between a three pound gain/loss. I get lots of questions about how I knew what to do or how I ever allowed myself to recover. And to this day, I have no definitive answers. The only thing I could do was to stop thinking about it so much and just eat. And every week, eat more. I stayed on bed rest at home - read numerous books, completed large 1000+ piece puzzles and indulged in Golden Girls reruns. I sat in the sun and drew the flower garden while drinking milkshakes. But still, I didn't start gaining weight til sometime in July and I had gotten up to and over 2500 calories a day. Then my mom returned to work. Being home alone all day was too much for me to bear and I had started taking walks and skipping my morning snack - cutting my calories down to around 2000. After a week or so, I managed to increase back up enough to prevent weight loss, but I was scared of being alone with myself and my eating disorder every day, and I feared continuing to gain weight, alone. I did what I thought was my best for several weeks. I was only XX pounds when I turned 20 years old in October. By November, I had developed stress fractures in my feet just from taking walks to the park and around the neighborhood. During the Thanksgiving Break, I set myself on bed rest again and healed up. With the support of my mom, we increased my calories every day from the end of November through the beginning of December. I had finally gotten up to 2800 calories a day. By the beginning of March, I was consuming 3600 calories a day and had only just gotten up to XX lbs. It took another 11 weeks for me to gain up to a minimal BMI of 16.5. And from that day in April, it has taken me another year solid to gain 8 pounds.

Has it been a long, treacherous road? Yes. Have I had my setbacks? For sure. But in the past two years I have done things I was told I would never do. I turned 21 and am at a mostly-healthy weight (and still aiming on up!). I have eaten pizza and chocolate because I enjoy it. Just the other night, I had Wendy's for dinner after work, sat around a fire and roasted marshmallows with some new friends. And you know what? I had NO FREAKIN IDEA how many calories were in the chicken sandwich I had. I was not aware of, and still do not know, what a serving size of marshmallows is. And I really don't care. And when I came home at 3AM I ate a granola bar because I was hungry. Today, I went shopping with my mom, tried on a dress and LOVED how it showed off my still-blossoming curves, had lunch at Panera Bread and got coffee ice cream for an afternoon snack.

Ever since I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, I have been told that I would never be free from its clutches. I've always been told that my brand of AN was too severe to be treated, that I was too stubborn and too intelligent for any program to be successful. And you know what? They were right. I was stubborn, intelligent and crafty like no other. How many people do you know that can hide an 8oz cup of milk without being noticed? I hated being in treatment. I hated being treated "special" because I was anorexic - like that somehow was the root cause of all my issues and that all of my problems were the trigger for the AN. How does that even work? I don't know. But I could not recover the way they wanted me to. I just can't stand being told what to do (lolz I know!) and even worse - I hate being told that I CAN'T do something. In my head, every time I was told "The next round of this will kill you" - I took it as a challenge instead of a warning. So every year, the weight went lower and lower. I had to make the realization myself for it to become real. I had to do it all by myself to make recovery real. Not everyone is like me though. Some people truly do flourish in an IP environment and find it very comforting and helpful. I found it to be stifling and pressure filled. I did what I had to do for me, for the first time two years ago. It was hard to actually admit that I needed to do something for myself. For me, admitting a need or want or desire is still the hardest thing. But I AM overcoming it, day by day.
So, I guess what I really just wanted to say is - Never let ANYONE tell you something is impossible, or can't be done, or that you are not capable. As long as you stop trying and start doing - you can achieve anything.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Tuesday.

Morning dears.
I have some bad news. My mom lost her job. My father is unemployed as well. So. Now I am the only person in the house with a job. To be honest, even though my dad is going to be getting his retirement soon, I feel scared. I'm not sure what this means for my future. But I'm going to have to bust my ass in school to keep my 4.0 GPA and start looking for scholarships.

On the bright side, I have that lovely boy of mine who helps me take my mind off of all that. Speaking of him, I kind of stole a picture of us from his facebook album. And since we're just so darned cute, I figured I'd share since so many of you ask about the mysterious guy I'm always talking about.


Its not the greatest pictures of me (After-work me is none so photogenic) But isn't he adorable? This is us, at the aquarium on Friday. <3

Today's another day off work (yippee) so I have no idea what to do with myself. But since I have the whole day - I think I may perform a few cooking experiments. If I come up with anything note-worthy, I'll post it up later. Otherwise, I just wanted to let you guys know what was up.

xo

Friday, June 4, 2010

Friday.

Hello lovelies! Its been awhile, yes?

Not much has changed, just my usual work-play dynamics goin on. I've been seeing more of my friends lately which has been great. Hung around with some of my boys the other night, watched movies and had some beers - always good times. The other night was Dan's birthday. I gave him one of my drawings and a few other goods. His mom saw the drawing I gave him and she was floored. I guess he'd not told her I was an art major. It was a good night for the most part, I ate my first slice of birthday cake since I was 16. And it was SO good - like a real treat. And not one peep from my ED either.

In other news...
I am still not at a healthy weight yet. And to be honest - the last time I weighed myself (2ish weeks ago) I had lost a bit. I haven't weighed myself since then, but I've decided I needed to increase my calories up further so I can just get it done and over with. I've been hesitant to go that route because A. I'm a busy girl and I hate having to spend my days worrying about eating XXXX calories, and B. I'm still getting horrible stomach aches mid-day almost every day and I don't know why. I can't let those two things get in the way of my recovery though. I'm doing my best to find ways around it. I've been splitting the majority of my calories between breakfast/mid morning snack and dinner/before bed-snack. And just snacking/having a lighter lunch between the hours of 11AM and 4PM. It seems to be working out OK in terms of calories and it is helping to keep the tummy aches at bay.

I made an awesome discovery the other night too. I don't have pictures, cuz I wasn't sure how it'd turn out. But it was delicious. See, I've been having regular yogurts lately because the Greek stuff is really expensive, and sometimes it upset my stomach (too rich perhaps? Idk?) So here is my solution for getting a high-protein, thick and luscious yogurt:

Take one regular yogurt, any flavor (I used Yoplait Cherry) and 1 scoop vanilla whey protein powder. Stir vigorously for about a minute. It will still look like the protein powder hasn't absorbed fully, but leave it that way. Let it sit in the fridge for a few minutes (gives you time to gather your toppings of choice anyways).
After letting it set up - it should be thick, almost mousse-like, and since regular yogurt is more liquidy - the protein powder will melt in on its own. Add toppings (I used granola, walnuts, chocolate chips and peanut butter. What can I say? Girl is craaazay and if I'm gonna make a 500 calorie snack - it better be damn tasty)
Consume and enjoy.
The best part about this snack: Easy way to up the protein and yumminess of a regular yogurt, and when Yoplait yogurts go for fifty cent a piece, and you can buy protein powder for 9$ per pound - you don't have to spend nearly as much money for the same tasty protein filled snack. And its sooo good! I had the above version as a dessert, but for a regular ole' snack, I'd probably use regular plain yogurt and skip the chocolate.

Nowww I'm off to get ready to go to the aquarium with the boy and jet off to work thereafter.
Happy Friday!