I have been struggling lately.
Not in terms of my actual eating disorder, but in terms of how I think and feel so negatively about myself all the time. I think I'm stuck in a place where I don't want to be because I am always so critical and harsh towards myself. I just can't seem to break the cycle at times. The boy has been saying this for several months. For awhile I was getting better, but lately I just feel so stuck. I keep (accidentally!) starting fights between us because I often just turn things into reasons why I suck so much. I know its just that its my comfort zone - to have low self esteem and not think much of myself. But I have to change.
I broke down last night at work. After having an already bad start to the day, I went into work only to get several customers that were being rude and disrespectful to me. Around 8:30, a group of 3 girls came through my line. They spent the entire transaction harassing me and cursing at me. After one of them told me to go fuck myself (for saying, "have a good night "BTW) - I felt like something in me broke. My throat tightened up, my eyes started water. All I could think to myself was, "I cannot live this way anymore. I cannot keep doing this." I tried to keep my composure as I finished checking out the rest of my line. I turned off my light. A girl from the service desk came over to see what was wrong. She yelled at me for not calling her or another member of management. Sorry - I'm not gonna stand there with these awful girls bitching at me while I wait for some higher-up to come diffuse the situation. In my humble opinion - it was far better to just check em out as quickly as possible and be done with it.
I left early. I did not ask for permission. I just simply said, "I stayed for an extra half hour last night. I've been feeling sick since I got here and now I just need to go home."
For the first time in many months, I did something that was purely for myself. And it felt good. I need to do that more often. I wouldn't be surprised if my lack of assertiveness and taking charge for myself lately has been why I am so unhappy. It also occured to me that part of why I hate my job is that I let the way people treat me get to me far too much. So what if someone talks to me like I'm stupid? I know I'm not. I'm probably smarter than the majority of them - so do I really care what they think? Hey. If they need to treat a little ol' cashier at Walmart like crap so they can feel better about themselves - its really them I should be pitying.So, from now on, I am not going to let myself be taken advantage of anymore. I'm not going to let little snide remarks or stupid comments upset me. I don't need to care about what 90% of the people I encounter every day think. And while I've always been one to bend over backwards in order to make other people happy. I cannot be that way anymore if I really want to get better. I've gotta start taking mine.
I will give my all to myself and to living a better life.
The Ebb and Flow
6 days ago