Friday, October 29, 2010

10/29

For those of you who have kept tabs on my formspring, I'm sure you have noticed the sudden onslaught of insults and rude commentary from an anonymous commenter. While the things this person have said to me have not outright hurt me, or in any way had an effect on how I'm doing day to day, their words DO have an impact on me, and how I feel about the blogging community.

When I started this blog, we were a community of strangers that became friends, and supported each other. We comforted AND encouraged one another when we struggled, and we praised and helped each other accept and acknowledge our steps forward. This was not a community that was spiteful or hurtful, and it was not a place that tried to bring down those who were moving on with their lives in a positive way.

Now, I do not know who has been leaving me these comments, and quite frankly, I probably don't want to know. I do not appreciate betrayal of any nature. And in conjunction with my lack of time to post, I am not sure if I can really call myself a part of this community anymore. Not only is blogland different from when I started, I am different too. I see you all eating applesauce and blackbean brownies, kale chips and "blended banana ice cream" and all I want to say is: EAT THE REAL FREAKIN THING. If you want to recover, stop condoning your eating disordered behaviors and habits. Eat real ice cream. Drink real milk, real soda. Stop having diet food products. Eat real yogurt, have a bowl of real pasta with tomato sauce and parmesan instead of some homemade low-calorie bastardization of the real thing. Seriously - and then some of you wonder why you aren't getting better? "OMG I ate a whole head of iceberg lettuce today AND I had a handful of almonds. Why am I still losing weight?" You have no idea how frustrating it is for me, as someone who has been in the same damn place, idling my life away and sitting there, wondering why its not getting better. "Gee, well I ate half my sandwich today and I had about 2/3 of that apple so I'm doing better...." That is exactly what I'd tell myself. But you know what? Those teeny tiny improvements are NOT enough. Not when you are sick with anorexia. You cannot bargain with a devil, you will always lose in the end.
As much as a therapist would hate me for saying this because it encourages black and white thinking, when it comes to recovery, in some senses, it really is all or nothing. You can listen to your ED and make deals with yourself each day - "I'll eat the whole apple, but I have to walk for an extra 15 minutes." or "I'll increase by 100 calories even though I know I need to add at least 500 to start gaining." - OR you can stop and realize that this fuckin' thing is controlling your life, and that yknow what? Its about time you take the power back. Recovery should be done on YOUR terms, because the process is about freeing yourself, and saving your life - not your eating disorder's comfort zone. For years, I remained in this limbo where I could just barely keep my head above water. Sure, I was alive. But I dreaded every day of the life that I lived because it was nothing more than a short list of safe foods, exercise and self loathing, with occasional moments of feeling OK. It wasn't my life still, and it didn't take much for me to go spiraling down. You have to take a chance. One day at a time, one challenge at a time. But you've gotta just do it.
You will never feel ready to do something like this until you're about half way through. Its like jumping into a pool. You can stand at the edge, peering into the water, maybe touch your toes to the surface to see how it feels. But its always cold and startling on that first feel. It doesn't feel comfortable until you've submerged yourself. And once you're in the water, you begin to see its pretty damn fine and you had nothing to worry about.
So as I said, JUST FREAKING DO IT. Be afraid all you want, that's part of defying your ED. But don't let your eating disorder's fears hold you back anymore.

I don't even know why I wrote all of this, because for most you, it won't make a smidgen of difference. But at least I've spoken my piece and now, I bid you farewell.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

10/12/10

In the past few weeks, I have been through a lot. With school, with work, with D and other things. More than I can really even talk about to be honest.
To be honest, I am amazed at my ability to get through this past weekend. I kept going. I went to work, and I still did my best to take care of myself despite what transpired between D and I. He was very upset with me for going out with another boy despite us having broken up about two months ago now. After he calmed down, we had a really long talk about where we stand. And he finally came to the conclusion, on his own, that we need time apart and space from each other. After weeks of constant phone calls and texts, this is a huge relief to me. I don't care if I had to let him think this is his idea, just as long as it actually happens. Its what I've spent weeks asking from him but never got. I am so much more at peace now.

I'm tearing up in my drawing class which is pretty cool. That seems to be going well. I've been working a lot and facing the challenge of taking on two studio classes (12 hours) and two academic courses. I'm doing okay in all of them.

My birthday is this Sunday. I have both Saturday and Sunday night off. My friends are insisting we should party Saturday night. If I'm gonna be honest, I haven't really "celebrated" a birthday in years. I'm a bit nervous, it always seems that everything goes awry for me.
At this time of year, I always think back about where I was and how I was doing around my birthday in years prior.
Today, I looked through my old journal from 2008. I cannot believe how far I have come since that time. Like, I'm actually shocked at the difference in my mentality and how I feel about myself and my life. Two years ago, I was a shell of a person. I had no hope, no faith, and I believed nothing to live for. And while I still have my moments where I question, I never stop trying. I've learned that if I just keep going and don't give up, eventually things will come together. While it may be hard in the moment to keep going strong, all you have to do is hold on. I can't tell you how many times this weekend I felt like giving up. I haven't felt that kind of self-loathing and guilt in a long time. But I realized, am I going to let this boy do this to me? Do I want this person to have this kind of control over me, where I end up starving myself, hating myself just the way I used to? Do I want him to have the same power over me as my ED did? FUCK NO. And that is when I decided to have some pasta and chicken made with homemade sauce and grated parmesan cheese. I didn't measure. Just plopped some into the bowl, and sliced up a chicken breast. It was the most freeing and delicious meal I've eaten in some time, as I rarely get the chance eat my father's cooking. I don't know what he does to that sauce, but its like crack. Thick, almost creamy and rich in flavor. He even added in mushrooms and peppers this time. I actually packed some for dinner at work tonight too. Hehe. I don't care what ANYONE says, I'm an Italian and I will always love pasta.

And now, time to go to work. I have work and school til Friday. And maybe do some trouble making thereafter. ^.^