Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ugh.

I have to be up at 6:30AM for work. And it's currently quarter to one.

There are nights when I have trouble sleeping. Its like my whole mind goes into overdrive - all the gears are churning and all the things I try not to think about come crawling back. I suppose it makes sense. I am not without issues. Usually I just ignore them. But in the depths of the night, some part of me needs to think about these things, and recognize the sources of my issues. Otherwise, I'd just be walking around completely ignorant to the cause.

I have immense trust issues. My ability to trust in others was already shaken due to a series of unfortunate events in high school. I didn't really have friends again until I was 22. And now,, there's the fights with my friend A. She and I still aren't talking. And before this, there was the summer and fall of heartache and continually getting left in the dust. Which was fine then, since I still had my friends. But now I don't feel like I have anyone.

And here I am, wondering - has this childhood friend I've been seeing lying to me too? Am I giving him more trust than I should just because we were friends when we were ten? I don't know. I don't have answers for any of the questions I keep asking myself. And then the memories kick in. And I remember why I have these issues. I don't want to be broken again. I was broken for so long. I just can't stand the idea of having that feeling again.

I know I'm rambling and complaining but ugh. I hate these nights. Once I start with one bad memory, the rest spill forth. Its like a chain reaction. I remember one page of the book, and then the rest of the story plays out. Days of anorexia, nights spent crying, hospital beds, the coldness and the feeling of being entirely alone. It's all there in my head and at this hour I can't exactly distract myself. I just want to cry.
Though I am okay with myself and who I am - i am keenly aware that I am not most girls. I don't wear make up. I rarely wear anything outside of a loose t-shirt, jeans and hoody. I like to lift weights and listen to loud music. I don't go out of my way to look cute or to impress anyone. I'm not blonde-haired, I wasn't blessed with more than an A-cup. I don't consider myself to be anywhere near what is portrayed as the stereotypical attractive female. And I am okay with that. But there are times when I fear its an act. Or that my being who I am keeps people away, or scares them away.

I've made many bad decisions, and quite a large percentage of them have happened in the last six months or so. And I don't want this to be another one.

It's one in the morning. And I don't feel even the least bit sleepy. More music. And maybe eventually I'll curl up and fall into the peaceful oblivion of sleep.


"We'll make this disappear, fight on. And with the weight of the world, I was born for this."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Typical Days.

I've worked 9+ hours a day for the past five days. I work hard. I'm double coded to work in two different departments, and if the store decides to keep layaway open year round - they may move me to the back of the store permanently to run layaway and site-to-store orders.
So last night, its my friend P's birthday party. I was getting out of work at 10PM and wasn't sure if I was going to come out. And then my friend A and I devised a most devious plan. I told her, I want to get P with the NERF guns I have in the back of my car. And she loved the idea. So I had her convince him I wasn't even going to show up.
I walked through the back door of the bar. Right when I walked in, P saw me and almost jumped out of his seat. I haven't seen him in a few weeks so he was stoked I came out after work. I sat down with the group for a few minutes. And then said I was gonna head out. My friends A and D said they'd walk me to my car. I loaded everyone up with NERF gear. We waited outside of the bar, hiding in any possible place. Our friend C lured P out of the bar for us.

And then we attacked. My foam dart shooting skills are a force to be reckoned with. First shot: Right in the chest. We all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BISH!" (I may have added a "Hazaa!"....) And then everyone else proceeded to barrage him with foam darts. And just as he was getting into the doorway, I shot him again - this time in the back of the head. P insists I should consider a career in law enforcement. And I quote "You are the only person I know that would have NERF gear in her car at all times, just in case."

Today is finally a day off. And so far this morning, I'm sitting on my living room floor, eating a bowl of cereal and watching "Beauty and the Beast". Later today, I hope to test out the new playground with the Boy. It will be fun. We used to go to the same park when we were growing up so we were both a little upset about it being replaced. Such is my life. This is all pretty normal.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

So. Here we are.

Today is my last day of school. I have an exam in Chemistry. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will do well. I think I'm going to go the gym in a minute and deadlift out my anxiety. I'm currently dead lifting 100 lbs and squatting 105. I'm pretty stoked. I think that within the next two to three months I'll be at 135 lbs for both lifts. Some random dude actually high-fived me the other day for how good my squat form is.

I'm freaking out inside. Over a lot of things. School and if I want to continue going, or if I want to take a job promotion at work and start as a full time department manager. Sigh. With two sides to everything, it is had to know what it is I really want to do. Perhaps the next semester, taking courses that I actually want to take will rejuvenate my motivation in school.

And the boy. Let me tell you the story because it's almost too cute to be real.

We were best friends until we were 12. I mean like we raced hot wheels, rode bikes and got bloody knees from jumping off the swings together. Our parents were best friends, and our older siblings were friends as well. So, we basically grew up in each other's back pockets. He moved to Maine when we were in the seventh grade. And when I was in seventh grade, neither of us had internet or cellphones or free long distance, so we lost touch. And now, he's moved back into the area. Somehow, he found me. And we've been hanging out and talking ever since. I hadn't seen this kid in a little over ten years. And all it took was seeing him once and it feels like he never left. It seems like we both really like each other. But I'm terrified. Deep down I know I shouldn't be. But given the amount of crap I've been given by the opposite sex, I can't wrap my mind around the idea of anyone actually liking me. I've made my mistakes. And I don't want to make anymore. I feel lost. I'm afraid of trusting him too much just because of the past. I'm afraid that I'm too jaded, that I've already given up on the idea of love and that I won't be able to do this. And I have no idea why I'm saying any of this because we all know that even if I'm absolutely terrified of something, I'm probably going to do it anyways. I suppose the best way to look at this is "Nothing can really break me at this point, but there is the off chance that it may just be something good for me."


AHHHH! okay even with the self-talk here I'm still gonna be having a panic attack for the next month. Oh well. I'll deal. Worse comes to worst, I still have my friends.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Update.

Not much of an update, but I have to be back to work in three hours and I can't sleep. Might as well write.

I started dating a boy in September. He dumped me in October. He was easily replaced, for some reason I always seem to find new boys fairly easily.
I still broke down crying at a friend's Halloween party. Like, in the middle of the street - a slightly drunken me fell to my knees and asked my friend "Why? Why am I never good enough?" And he had no answer for me. But being the good friend that he is, he pulled me from the pavement and let me cry for a good five minutes before I collected myself.

Sometimes I still ask myself this, because I have had an endless slew of love interests but so very few stick around and work out. Not that I need them to. But it'd be nice to not feel so fleeting. There are a few who've seem to be sticking around for now, and I'm okay with that. I think the biggest factor in things not panning out for me is my stubbornness. If you won't drive down to hang out with me, certainly don't expect me to be coming at you're every beck and call. And don't expect me to go chasing after you if you don't return a phone call or text. Seriously. No matter how much I like you, I'm not going to chase after you. So there we go.

On a happy note - I'm getting A's in school. I've got a good group of friends who love me. And I'm doing well. Sometimes I party too much. Sometimes I scare myself because I've made a lot of mistakes, but I always seem to have the best time too. Sometimes I am a train wreck. Other times, it seems like I've got it all together. Most people seem to see me as someone who's got it all together. And I know that night I broke down crying, I terrified one of my best friends because he had never seen me that way before. I've always been one to keep a strong face, to not back down and not to let things get me down. But I guess it was just building up - the judgments I make of myself, the standards I hold myself to - it all adds up eventually. I'm still working on learning to forgive myself, to allow myself these mistakes and missteps and these hurts. But I'm getting better, and I'm learning its okay to feel.

And on this Thanksgiving Day that I had to sleep and work through most of (yes, I worked 6:45-12:45 this morning and will be going back to work at 11:30PM) - I am grateful for all that I have, and all that I have been blessed with the opportunity to achieve.

And I have to say, I love my family. As crazy as they are. My father definitely just walked out of the kitchen carrying the ENTIRE tray of cake like a gangsta. And as me and my mom sat here giggling, he turns back around and looks at us and says "Oh, did you want some?"
And he did in fact leave us about a third of the cake LOL.

Now I'm going to go eat some cake, have some coffee and prepare myself for the night to come at work.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I'm sorry.

I have not had a good weekend. I won't get into it. But I feel like I am going downhill. I'm doing the best I can do for myself. But I'm sitting here listening to the same song on repeat because its the only thing that's comforting me right now.

I am not strong because I was born that way. I am not strong because I choose to be. I am the strong one because I have to be. Because everyone around me depends on me to listen and be there for them. I cannot break. I know I will be okay. But I still hurt. I'm exhausted. And I'm tired of feeling like I give so much to everyone, only to get nothing in return. But I can't help myself. I will give you the world if you need me to. And I'll never ask for a thank you or expect you to return the favor. It still stings when no one will listen to me when I need to talk. It still hurts when I realize I've been used.

I need to change. I don't know how. Its part of my personality - I take care of people. I give them my loyalty and my heart very easily. And it always gets taken advantage of. I don't know what to do to stop myself from doing this. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what I've done. Who I am. Why I am this way, why I keep giving and going and never caring about what I'm doing to myself. I'd run myself into my own grave for someone I cared about. It'd be nice if I could just turn that around and give that much to myself. But I suppose other people's problems keeps me from thinking about my own.

And so, I sit here by myself bemoaning the fact that I care too much and don't get a whole lot back. How ridiculous.

I'll pick myself back up again. But right now it really doesn't feel so good.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Me? Nervous About a Date?

As strange as that sounds, I am. This is not any old date with some silly boy - this is a dinner date with my best friend from high school. I've seen her all of three times since I started my recovery. We got coffee about a month ago, and she came into my work to say hi about a week or so ago. We've been chatting on facebook and such. It is really nice to reconnect with her, especially because we actually live in the same town. I don't have to drive three towns over to hang out with her.

I'm still scared. The last half of our friendship was rather tumultuous because of my eating disorder. I'm nervous that she will judge what I choose to eat, or that she will watch me to see if I'm still eating with anorexic habits. I know its silly - I'll eat how I always do (I am still a rather precise eater, I am the only person I know who can eat buffalo wings and only need one napkin to keep themselves clean) and I'll order whatever sounds good to me. I know once I get there, and we sit down and start talking, all of my worries will disappear. But alas, I feel like I'm going on my very first dinner date all over again. Its kind of cute I suppose. I just want her to see ME, as I am now and not look at me and still see anorexic-Tori. I mean obviously, if she asked me to hang out again, she must see that I am back to being my old self again. But y'know, sometimes I can't help myself. I missed her. It hurt when we lost touch, we had been friends since we were 13. The last time we sat down to chat, she told me she was sorry for what happened. I understood. When you're 19, you don't want mortality staring you in the face. You don't want to watch your friend - one whom you admired and respected and used to wish you could be like - destroy herself. I distanced myself because I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. We were both at fault.
And now hopefully, our friendship can be rekindled. We were inseparable you know. We'd walk 3 miles to her house after school because they wouldn't let me take the bus with her. When things were bad at my house, her family let me stay whole weekends there. We chased wild turkeys on Academy Hill and ran all the way to the abandoned theater when they retaliated. We dyed each others' hair when we were 15. Mine was dyed black on top, with turquoise underneath, and hers black with purple streaks. We were crazy kids who wore plaid skirts, ripped fishnets and Converse. We went to local punk and hardcore shows together, and started our own mosh pits. We were awesome haha. We stood out together, and we had a blast. I look back now and realize how much I loved my life then. And I'm so glad I have the same love for life now. The only difference is that now, I have far more confidence in myself.


Me. At 17. With hot pink hair. I'd have posted the one with me and my friend, but I don't want to infringe privacy like that. Obv there were multiple hair dying experiments haha. I believe we did hers midnight blue that day. XD Eating disorder aside, I've always been fierce as hell. I just embrace it now. ^.^

Monday, August 22, 2011

Summer Recap?

There are many things I want to say. And I almost don't even know where to start. So much has happened since I last posted. I should really be more frequent with my posting so I won't have to recap an entire month's events.

Suffice to say, I am no longer dating anyone. The boy I'd been seeing ditched me for a date (July 9th if we're going to get technical). He stopped speaking to me mid-conversation after I called him out for lying to me about the reason why he was ditching me. I knew. A few days later, thanks to my facebook newsfeed - I found out he was now in a relationship with another girl. His number has since been deleted. And thanks to my friends (whom he happened to work with) - I found out that the aforementioned girl dumped him on his birthday.
Ain't karma something else?
I met a boy at the bar a few days later that somehow renewed my faith in people's ability to be honest. He's currently in prison for a misdemeanor. I sure can pick em, huh? But regardless, it was probably the most understood I think I've ever felt by someone, especially someone I'd only just met. Its weird how you can spend just a night, talking to a total stranger and somehow they change you. I honestly believe things happen for a reason and that the people we meet, even if only for a short while, leave an imprint on us. The human experience is really a constantly evolving and changing thing.

And in speaking of evolution - I feel it poignant to allow a little chat about how AN seems to have really taken a back seat in my life. I stopped caring. I stopped being afraid of my body. I stopped fearing my body changing. I can go out with my friends late at night and drink a pitcher of beer, eat nearly a dozen wings and feel no regrets and don't punish myself for the rest of the week. I can eat Ben and Jerry's right out of the pint and not worry because I know I'll stop when I'm satisfied. BTW if you can find the "Cinnamon Buns" flavor - you MUST buy it. Seriously, the best ice cream I've ever had thus far in life. I've gone adventuring around MA after a night of dancing and rocking out to my favorite band. I've gone dancing, sang a karaoke duet with a boy I just met, and made new friends every time I go out. I've gotten lost in New Haven at 3AM. I rode a mechanical bull! I have done so many things I never thought I would do. I go to the gym, I lift weights and despite my not really keeping track of what/how much I'm eating - I am still extremely happy with my body. Maybe, maybe the key to being happy with what you see on the outside is learning to love what you are on the inside, and living a life that makes you smile.

Now, I can finally see and appreciate who I am. I am Victora. I'm the girl with the big heart, who's always laughing. I'll break your balls any day of the week, and I can appreciate a good roast right back. I don't play games. I don't take anyone's b.s. My friends like to say I have a big set of brass balls, actually. I'm a little crazy but only in the best possible way. I'll always be willing to listen, though what I have to say may not always be what you want to hear. But I could care less, because if I'm being honest with you - that means I care enough and respect you enough to not want to to be anything less than open.

In a nutshell - I'm doing well. I found out just yesterday that one of my courses for the upcoming semester has been cancelled. Kind of irritated that they didn't notify me til a week before school starts. But! But! The upshot here is, the class that was cancelled probably wouldn't have been credited at my transfer school anyways. AND! I don't have to worry about how many hours I'm getting at work now. Oh! Speaking of work. Guess who got a pay raise! ME! I did the math, and with the extra cents per hour plus the fact that I'm averaging 30+ hours a week - I am making an extra $100 a month. Which kind of rocks. Pays for all the gas money spent galavanting around here to there and all of my partying and eating out. So woo hoo!

I think that's all for now loves. If there's anything you guys would like to see in a post, or have me write about - feel free to leave a comment and lmk. I feel like I'm new to this alllll over again and am kind of without direction at the moment haha.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Hello there!

So, its been over a month since my last post. I've since finished school for the semester, partied far too hard and gotten strep throat, dated some pretty cute boys, nearly quit my job and am currently sick again. And now, I sit here writing about all of this. But its really quite the wide variety of topics, isn't it? So I think I need to stick to just one or two for the time being.

I have a confession to make.
I fear I'm running myself into the ground.
I always want to know everything. I always want to do everything. I want to help everyone. I want to go everywhere. Its this constant business that somehow keeps me feeling alive. While every now and again I do enjoy just doing nothing, and I'm good with just relaxing at home with my oatmeal after a long day - I find it hard to relax for whole days at a time. I get stir-crazy after just a few hours. And since there is always someone or something that I can turn my attention to, that's what I do. I'm quite certain that running 16-22 hour days for weeks in a row is what has made me sick again this time. But I've been keeping track. I have been sick literally almost every month (except for like 2-3) since September of 2010. That is beyond ridiculous. And what do all these months have in common:
Working 30+ hours a week at Walmart
Going to school for 20+ hours a week
Training 4 days a week most weeks
Going out at least 1-2x a week most weeks

Throw my bouts of insomnia into the mix (and even that is irregular BTW. I either can't fall asleep, or I wake up at 3AM) and the fact that up until 3 days ago, I was still smoking 5 cigarettes a day, I think its pretty clear why my immune system is getting the shaft.
On the bright side, I've not had a cigarette in 3 days and don't seem to be a neurotic mess yet. Keyword there is "yet" mind you. We shall see how it goes when I finally drag my behind back to work. That'll be the true test.
On the bright side, I spent last Sunday night watching movies and TV with a boy I really like. Even asked me to go to a baseball game with him...a month from now. o.0 This one intends on sticking around that long? srsly? And I being me, didn't want to assume I'd see him again before then. So I told him yknow, just give me a call a few days before you want to go. Boy's response: "You realize we're going out again before that, don't you?"
Enter me blushing profusely. Its occurred to me that when I try to not assume things, I generally just end up assuming the negative instead of the positive. But it was really cute. And I really like him. I've actually been seeing him since May but shhh I'd rather not jinx this for myself. I'm still dating around but out of anyone, I like him the most and I'm kinda hoping to keep seeing him.
On the bright side, all this being sick has prompted me to indulge in ice cream. I haven't really had ice cream in a very long time. And I think I'm in love.
Oh. And since we have to talk about the ED front at least a little bit, I'm letting go more and more all the time. I'm learning to live. To be free. And to not feel guilt. I took my bestie out for drinks after she and her boy broke up. We ended up splitting a tray each of mozzarella sticks and waffle fries. And no, I hadn't intended on it so I was easily 1K over where my calories usually are.
I didn't restrict or cut back in the days that followed. I didn't do a ridic amount of cardio or any of the things a previous me probably would have done in some twisted attempt to keep a balance, and to retain control. I just let it go. And yknow what? I still weighed the same as I did two months ago when I last checked. It appears that along with my waning desire to count calories and keep track of every bite of food I take in, my need to know my weight is diminishing as well. I haven't weighed myself since May. And the time before that, March. I don't really care about some number on the scale. What I care about is feeling good about who I see in the mirror. That's really all I need.

I've been waiting for life to surprise me. To show me that there was a reason to keep on going the way that I was. For several months, I was in a very bad place. I was depressed. I smoked weed on the daily and I kept myself hidden. I allowed someone else to make my life hell, just the way I'd allowed my ED to. It took me far less time to eventually stand up to this person than it did with my ED. And I have never felt as good and as strong than I do now, since that day. And I think that is why I am becoming more successful in more areas of my life. When I was in my little hole, I just wasn't myself, wasn't who I wanted to be and I kept everyone at bay. Sure, I got my heart broken a few times, had some set backs and some let downs. But now I'm back, stronger and better than ever.
Take care of yourselves. Inside and out. Don't let anyone push you around, be it an eating disorder, a boy, a friend or a boss. Stand up for you, for your needs, for your heart. And be proud of all that you are, look in the mirror and tell yourself you're awesome, or that you're a BAMF. Say it til you start to actually believe it. Because its all true. And once you believe in yourself, things seem to come together.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

blargh.

I don't know why I'm writing this right now. Well I do. Because there is so much on my mind, and so few people I feel comfortable with letting in.
I am frustrated. With all things. Mainly school, my job, and my social life. There are so many options, so many things I have to choose. Do I give up working so I can go back to school full time? Which school do I transfer to? Do I transfer to the store closer to my house? Do I give up my social life and continue working AND go back to full time?

And then there's the issue of trust. I trust no one. I am probably making myself insane with my inability to trust anyone anymore who isn't family. But it is so hard to believe that truth can be anything other than painful. It is so hard to believe that anyone could ever actually like me, and not be playing games (we're talkin about boys here FYI). And I am so tired of being left to wonder. I don't care if you're seeing someone else. I don't care if you aren't looking for a relationship. I'm not sure what I want in that regard either, but what I DO want is honesty. I want to know what I'm dealing with so I can prepare myself accordingly. I don't want to allow myself to feel safe with someone only to inevitably discover it was all a lie. Not again. I can't keep getting hurt, getting knocked down and getting up again. Or maybe I can. Maybe that's how its supposed to be. I don't know. I just know that I want to be told the truth for once. I want someone to look me in the eyes and be real. And I want friends that don't only talk to me when they need me, and then blow me off at all other times. I don't want boys to call me at 11PM, asking to hang out because that's just stupid and we all know what it is they're looking for at that hour. I am not that girl. I won't come running at anyone's beck and call. I'm still hurting from the dozen other heartbreaks I've had. I won't give my trust to anyone who can't show me its worth the risk. And quite frankly, lately I question whether I even want to bother anymore. Its really tempting sometimes to just delete my facebook, turn off my cell phone and essentially take myself off the grid.

And then there's anorexia. And how it plays into all of this. I question myself more often when I'm stressed. I feel sick to my stomach half the day some days because of nerves, stress or even just from being jaded. Because somewhere inside my head, I'm beating myself up for setting myself up for another heart break, for being weak and vulnerable and for even considering letting someone else in. I mean hell, I should know better by now. But what can I do? For some reason, there's some small shred of optimism. There always has been. As pessimistic and dark my humor may be, I am really quite a hopeful person. I never really give up even when I say I do. I always go on to another day. And perhaps that's what gotten me this far - to the point where I can go to IHOP for lunch and Friday's for dinner and then out for beers. And not even have a second thought. I know its a good quality. But there are times when I wish I wasn't so...I don't even have the word for it. I let people in without meaning to. I give everyone a place in my heart, even the most casual of friends could call me at midnight with a crisis and I'd stay up all night talking if they needed me. I'm a big bleeding heart. And I know itll never change. And as much as it pains me to say this, I am tired of carrying all this weight. I am just tired. I am burnt out. I don't know how I keep going some times; its a 60-70 hour week between school and work, and I still go out at least one night a week, usually more like 2-3.

Did I mention I'm tired? because I am. And I still can't sleep. And then I end up staying up late, listening to music and smoking too many cigarettes even though I honestly hate the way they taste and the way I feel after having one.
This is why I say, I'm a mess. But I mean well, and somehow it seems to work for me. I'm not perfect. I'm not a hero. I do stupid things, things I'm not proud of, and I mess up. Sigh. I'm rambling now. This is what happens when the coffee wears off I suppose.

Conclusion: I am tired. And I feel lost. And I don't know what to do with myself, whether I should protect myself or actually give someone a shot or not and I am horrible at determining who is actually worthy of my awesome self (which means I let stupid people in and end up feeling even more jaded because the same things keep happening over and over again.)
And apparently, if you keep going - you find things that DO make you smile some days. And that helps the other feelings seem less overpowering. And if you keep going, maybe eventually it really does all sort itself out. After all, most things do if you give it a chance. So hey. I'll keep going on this road I'm on and hope I make the right choices to find somewhere new.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

long time no see

I've missed all of you sooo much. I promise, I've been reading everyone's blogs in my absence, just been too lazy to write myself.
Okay, lazy is the wrong word.
I have been through a LOT in the past months. And given the place I was in - it was honestly easier for me to not write about it. Time for some honesty though.

In the months leading up to 2011, I was really struggling with depression. I was doing fine with my anorexia, for the most part. But there were times when I would obsess over how much I should be eating - two tablespoons of peanut butter? Or do I just need one? I didn't do X today so maybe just one? And then I would spiral out from there. I felt so out of control when these thoughts would enter my mind. I felt like I would never be free from my ED. I believe this was all brought on by the sheer amount of stress and guilt being dumped on me by a certain boy whom I'd parted ways with. Regardless, I was not in the best place emotionally. And so, I tried to escape this through various means.
By January, I was feeling a lot better though still not 100%. I was dating someone new, going out and actually being social. It almost seemed like I was getting to be me again. Took me awhile, but I was getting there.

And then I was dumped. Via text message. While I was taking a nap before work.
My ego was bruised. I was hurt. I didn't understand what happened. But for some reason, after a few days or weeks - I'm not sure of the time frame - it actually snapped me out of my funk. I stopped letting the words that echoed in my mind have power over me. I stopped worrying about whether or not I'd ever be free from my ED. I stopped trying to escape my life and started facing it. And finally saw things more rationally than I had in awhile. I made friends. I did karaoke with the girls, I went to the casino with my gym buddies. I started living a life that was finally, whole heartedly, entirely MINE. Something that I realized, I hadn't done in YEARS. Because when I started dating a certain boy in 2009, just after really getting a foothold in recovery, he tried to control my life. He would tell me how sick I still was with AN, how no one else would put up with me, how horrible a person I was because I didn't do every thing he asked me to do. And for some stupid reason - it sunk in and on some level, I believed him. And even after we broke up - he used the guilt and hurt and grief to keep me from being able to be happy. His words - the words that basically mimicked that of anorexia- had no more power of me, because I realized what a jerk he was. Why on earth did I EVER let anyone make me feel so lousy? A therapist would probably tell me its because it was some twisted reminder of my ED voice and that's why I accepted it so easily as being okay. But when I cut him out that final time, and when I started facing my life for real - everything changed for the better.

And now, I'm back in school. I'm doing really well this semester. I've made more friends. I'm a beast in the gym, and I'm building an awesome butt btw. I think the gym is something I've def come to rely on as something to brighten my day. I've met some pretty cool guys there, they treat me like one of the boys. Always picking on me (in jest of course) and they also helped me decide to start pushing myself harder to put weight on.

Now. Here's the real reason why I'm posting. My painting class.
Our second assignment was to create an accretion self portrait. Basically, its an abstract self portrait created by many many layers of paint. This was fine. Mine came out pretty awesome actually, and I'm happy with it.
Our next assignment? Tell the story of your life in a series of paintings
Oh. Boy.
I started one canvas the other day. I decided to go balls out and just do what I figured would be one of the hardest ones first. Its an abstract painting. Palette knife in hand, I created my backround. Smears of dark colors to make what looks like an ocean. A lip of gray crested across the top. And then I started tearing up my journals. Food journal pages, exercise journal pages, and random loose pages of journal that I'd found. I mod-podged these bits and scraps onto the canvas. I left two of the pieces of journal pages fairly intact so they could be read. One of the scraps I'd pasted near the top was a daily goal. I guess I must have been having a hell of a day that day. I'd scribbled out the goal I'd originally written and replaced it with the words "Kill Myself".

I often forget how desolate and helpless I once felt. I looked at the words I'd written on the pages. My eyes watered. This was my life. Literally, my life pasted up on a board for people to see. Calories in, calories out. And I knew no other way. "I don't want this life anymore, or any life for that matter. No matter how hard I try, its never good enough. So why bother trying". That's a direct quote from my journal in 2008.

Its really hard for me to share with anyone how weak I was. I always portray this image as being a hard-ass, of being strong and tough as nails. But truth be told, I was just a scared little girl. I didn't know what I was doing when I started recovery. I was resistant, stuck in my ways and terrified of change. Slowly but surely, with persistence and with a lot of mistakes - I did it. Even now, there are times when I feel insecure or unsure. But I keep going and I do it anyways. Because even if I have one bad day, I know in my heart a bad day today is still better than the alternative. And because now I know one bad day is not an end all, be all. Better days will come as long as you keep yourself open to them.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year loves!

A lot has changed for me in the past year, more than I can recount to be honest. There have been many moments that I am not at all proud of, and I have made a lot of mistakes.

The bottom line though, is that I survived it all. There were nights that I'd come home from school and spend 10 minutes crying in my car before coming in the house. I had a lot of self doubt and insecurity, and a lot of negative feelings towards myself after the breakup with D. I also struggled a bit this semester with my grades. I mean, I passed everything - A's and B's with just a C+ in Algebra II. But I am generally a straight A student so it was really hard for me to accept that between taking more courses, and working 30-35 hours a week; I just didn't have it in me to pull off straight A's this semester. In addition to my doubts about myself as a person in relationships, I started to question myself as an artist (did I really have talent? Can I really persue this field?) and my future both in academia, and in life thereafter. Fortunately, I made a few friends at school and at the gym who really helped me see that it wasn't all my fault and that I didn't need to hate myself just because he wasn't taking the breakup well. And that grades aren't everything, and that as long as I have goals and dreams and determination I will not be a career cashier. But the biggest revelation to me was to not hate myself for what had transpired between me and D. Though it took time for me to really "get it", I do now. And I know in my heart I made the right choice by ending our relationship. Shit happens. But what's important is that you keep on living after it.

Its always really hard for me to let go of relationships and not get down about it. I've lost a lot friends in my life and I haven't had many people that I could trust. Most of the time, the people I have trusted have let me down when I needed them most. So this was a challenge for me. Having to put my foot down and tell him "No, I can't be with you because it hurts me." felt really selfish. But when something is causing you pain, when something drives you to the point where you aren't yourself and you don't feel free - that is when you know you need to make a change. Sounds familiar, eh? Yeah. So life lesson here: Sometimes you need to be selfish in order to take care of yourself. And especially in relationships. There needs to be give AND take from both parties. Not just one person gives, and the other keeps on taking.

That being said - I've been dating a new guy for the past few months. And I really like him. I like that I can be myself around him without worry. Like, we can do absolutely nothing together, but we still won't have a fight or get on each others nerves (very refreshing). I spent NYE with him and some of his extended family. It was really fun. I tend to be a bit shy and reserved when I'm first meeting new people. I like to observe for a bit before I'll be comfortable. But his four year old cousin wouldn't have that. She sat down right next to me and had me playing video games and dolls with her. I was also handed a beer and offered cake upon my mention of being a little shy around new people. I can agree to come out of my shell for that haha.

Also, I've got a "little sister" now. My coworker has custody of her grandkids, and I've been bonding with her 7 year old granddaughter. I went over for her birthday, had spaghetti for dinner and birthday cake. I helped her with her reading home work and she taught me how to play Operation. And I'm teaching her how to draw. She called me on Christmas to tell me about all of her presents. hehehe. Its really cute.


All in all, its been a hell of a year. Especially the past few months. But things are good. And you know, they're always getting better. Something I learned in my drawing class this semester was that you don't learn anything from your best drawing. Its messing up and trying again that teaches you something. And whether you realize it or not - you take what you've learned and you run with it. And that's when you start seeing something great appear.