Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year loves!

A lot has changed for me in the past year, more than I can recount to be honest. There have been many moments that I am not at all proud of, and I have made a lot of mistakes.

The bottom line though, is that I survived it all. There were nights that I'd come home from school and spend 10 minutes crying in my car before coming in the house. I had a lot of self doubt and insecurity, and a lot of negative feelings towards myself after the breakup with D. I also struggled a bit this semester with my grades. I mean, I passed everything - A's and B's with just a C+ in Algebra II. But I am generally a straight A student so it was really hard for me to accept that between taking more courses, and working 30-35 hours a week; I just didn't have it in me to pull off straight A's this semester. In addition to my doubts about myself as a person in relationships, I started to question myself as an artist (did I really have talent? Can I really persue this field?) and my future both in academia, and in life thereafter. Fortunately, I made a few friends at school and at the gym who really helped me see that it wasn't all my fault and that I didn't need to hate myself just because he wasn't taking the breakup well. And that grades aren't everything, and that as long as I have goals and dreams and determination I will not be a career cashier. But the biggest revelation to me was to not hate myself for what had transpired between me and D. Though it took time for me to really "get it", I do now. And I know in my heart I made the right choice by ending our relationship. Shit happens. But what's important is that you keep on living after it.

Its always really hard for me to let go of relationships and not get down about it. I've lost a lot friends in my life and I haven't had many people that I could trust. Most of the time, the people I have trusted have let me down when I needed them most. So this was a challenge for me. Having to put my foot down and tell him "No, I can't be with you because it hurts me." felt really selfish. But when something is causing you pain, when something drives you to the point where you aren't yourself and you don't feel free - that is when you know you need to make a change. Sounds familiar, eh? Yeah. So life lesson here: Sometimes you need to be selfish in order to take care of yourself. And especially in relationships. There needs to be give AND take from both parties. Not just one person gives, and the other keeps on taking.

That being said - I've been dating a new guy for the past few months. And I really like him. I like that I can be myself around him without worry. Like, we can do absolutely nothing together, but we still won't have a fight or get on each others nerves (very refreshing). I spent NYE with him and some of his extended family. It was really fun. I tend to be a bit shy and reserved when I'm first meeting new people. I like to observe for a bit before I'll be comfortable. But his four year old cousin wouldn't have that. She sat down right next to me and had me playing video games and dolls with her. I was also handed a beer and offered cake upon my mention of being a little shy around new people. I can agree to come out of my shell for that haha.

Also, I've got a "little sister" now. My coworker has custody of her grandkids, and I've been bonding with her 7 year old granddaughter. I went over for her birthday, had spaghetti for dinner and birthday cake. I helped her with her reading home work and she taught me how to play Operation. And I'm teaching her how to draw. She called me on Christmas to tell me about all of her presents. hehehe. Its really cute.

All in all, its been a hell of a year. Especially the past few months. But things are good. And you know, they're always getting better. Something I learned in my drawing class this semester was that you don't learn anything from your best drawing. Its messing up and trying again that teaches you something. And whether you realize it or not - you take what you've learned and you run with it. And that's when you start seeing something great appear.