Thursday, March 10, 2011

long time no see

I've missed all of you sooo much. I promise, I've been reading everyone's blogs in my absence, just been too lazy to write myself.
Okay, lazy is the wrong word.
I have been through a LOT in the past months. And given the place I was in - it was honestly easier for me to not write about it. Time for some honesty though.

In the months leading up to 2011, I was really struggling with depression. I was doing fine with my anorexia, for the most part. But there were times when I would obsess over how much I should be eating - two tablespoons of peanut butter? Or do I just need one? I didn't do X today so maybe just one? And then I would spiral out from there. I felt so out of control when these thoughts would enter my mind. I felt like I would never be free from my ED. I believe this was all brought on by the sheer amount of stress and guilt being dumped on me by a certain boy whom I'd parted ways with. Regardless, I was not in the best place emotionally. And so, I tried to escape this through various means.
By January, I was feeling a lot better though still not 100%. I was dating someone new, going out and actually being social. It almost seemed like I was getting to be me again. Took me awhile, but I was getting there.

And then I was dumped. Via text message. While I was taking a nap before work.
My ego was bruised. I was hurt. I didn't understand what happened. But for some reason, after a few days or weeks - I'm not sure of the time frame - it actually snapped me out of my funk. I stopped letting the words that echoed in my mind have power over me. I stopped worrying about whether or not I'd ever be free from my ED. I stopped trying to escape my life and started facing it. And finally saw things more rationally than I had in awhile. I made friends. I did karaoke with the girls, I went to the casino with my gym buddies. I started living a life that was finally, whole heartedly, entirely MINE. Something that I realized, I hadn't done in YEARS. Because when I started dating a certain boy in 2009, just after really getting a foothold in recovery, he tried to control my life. He would tell me how sick I still was with AN, how no one else would put up with me, how horrible a person I was because I didn't do every thing he asked me to do. And for some stupid reason - it sunk in and on some level, I believed him. And even after we broke up - he used the guilt and hurt and grief to keep me from being able to be happy. His words - the words that basically mimicked that of anorexia- had no more power of me, because I realized what a jerk he was. Why on earth did I EVER let anyone make me feel so lousy? A therapist would probably tell me its because it was some twisted reminder of my ED voice and that's why I accepted it so easily as being okay. But when I cut him out that final time, and when I started facing my life for real - everything changed for the better.

And now, I'm back in school. I'm doing really well this semester. I've made more friends. I'm a beast in the gym, and I'm building an awesome butt btw. I think the gym is something I've def come to rely on as something to brighten my day. I've met some pretty cool guys there, they treat me like one of the boys. Always picking on me (in jest of course) and they also helped me decide to start pushing myself harder to put weight on.

Now. Here's the real reason why I'm posting. My painting class.
Our second assignment was to create an accretion self portrait. Basically, its an abstract self portrait created by many many layers of paint. This was fine. Mine came out pretty awesome actually, and I'm happy with it.
Our next assignment? Tell the story of your life in a series of paintings
Oh. Boy.
I started one canvas the other day. I decided to go balls out and just do what I figured would be one of the hardest ones first. Its an abstract painting. Palette knife in hand, I created my backround. Smears of dark colors to make what looks like an ocean. A lip of gray crested across the top. And then I started tearing up my journals. Food journal pages, exercise journal pages, and random loose pages of journal that I'd found. I mod-podged these bits and scraps onto the canvas. I left two of the pieces of journal pages fairly intact so they could be read. One of the scraps I'd pasted near the top was a daily goal. I guess I must have been having a hell of a day that day. I'd scribbled out the goal I'd originally written and replaced it with the words "Kill Myself".

I often forget how desolate and helpless I once felt. I looked at the words I'd written on the pages. My eyes watered. This was my life. Literally, my life pasted up on a board for people to see. Calories in, calories out. And I knew no other way. "I don't want this life anymore, or any life for that matter. No matter how hard I try, its never good enough. So why bother trying". That's a direct quote from my journal in 2008.

Its really hard for me to share with anyone how weak I was. I always portray this image as being a hard-ass, of being strong and tough as nails. But truth be told, I was just a scared little girl. I didn't know what I was doing when I started recovery. I was resistant, stuck in my ways and terrified of change. Slowly but surely, with persistence and with a lot of mistakes - I did it. Even now, there are times when I feel insecure or unsure. But I keep going and I do it anyways. Because even if I have one bad day, I know in my heart a bad day today is still better than the alternative. And because now I know one bad day is not an end all, be all. Better days will come as long as you keep yourself open to them.

11 comments:

  1. Your posts are the epitome of amazingly inspiring. (: We don't know each other but I'm so proud of you. It gives me so much hope to see that there IS a life besides anorexia and that it can be overcome (and that life is actually better without!!!)

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  2. You rock girl. Your posts are so inspiring for everyone out there. I'm pretty new to your blog, but you can count that I will be looking for more posts from you :)
    XOXO
    Follow me!
    http://greensk8r-fireandice.blogspot.com
    :D

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  3. I was in a bad marriage, where the girl had faked who she was and what she wanted out of life and I fell for it. She wanted a baby, got pregnant, then once she had that, all pretense about the relationship was gone. As my Dad said, "That girl never gave two sh*ts about you." Then she got sick with a digestive disease and started using that as her excuse to lay on the couch, sleep 12 hours and basically want me to wait on her hand and foot.

    I was told then that "Life was passing me by."

    It hurt financially, not so much emotionally because I knew by then our marriage wasn't important to her (she even forgot our anniversary). But THIS IS MY LIFE. And I'm glad to share that with the people who I want to share it with and people who appreciate it. But I'm not living under someone ELSE'S rules that are forced upon me.

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  4. dumped via texting...no one deserves that!!
    i like how the gym guys have sort of taken you on and treated you as one of their own- thats gotta feel good!

    my gosh you've been through a lot though and its amazing to hear that you have, for the most part, found the answers and are doing your best to work past all the muck and find that life you've been searching for.

    you are incredibly strong, resilient, and awe-inspiring to all of us! <3

    xoxo

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  5. I am so so glad to hear from you Tori!

    I am sorry you have been going through some rough times :( But I am beyond glad that you didn't resort to ED for comfort. You are so so strong, and you dealt with everything as you faced it and I am so inspired by you :)

    you are 110% right. You did it. You have overcome, and you are doing it right now too :) <3

    Scott

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  6. you are an incredible woman, a talented writer, and you have so much insight and wisdom!!!

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  7. Aw Tori! I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now, it sounds like you've had a really tough few months. It's hard getting to that point where you realise that you can be as recovered as possible and life WILL still hurt you sometimes. I think of it as being like the price you pay for being able to feel all the positive emotions, instead of just being numb to good and bad.

    Neither of those boys deserved someone as great as you, you clearly had a lucky escape - what kind of person dumps someone by text?! There's got to be someone much nicer out there for you ;)

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  8. I just stumbled across your blog and find you/your writing really interesting.

    It sounds like you have been through a lot, but you have a positive attitude, and keep on trucking.

    Good luck with everything x

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  9. Tori, you are awesome. I am happy for you to see how much you see where you were and where you can be. You are in control of yourself and your happiness. Nobody else is what really matters. Go out and have fun with friends and just let things happen. You don't need to force it and don't need to set any unrealistic goals for what you need to be happy inside. Keep up the good fight and don't give in to that bastard ED.
    Dale. rdf888@wowway.com

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