I don't know why I'm writing this right now. Well I do. Because there is so much on my mind, and so few people I feel comfortable with letting in.
I am frustrated. With all things. Mainly school, my job, and my social life. There are so many options, so many things I have to choose. Do I give up working so I can go back to school full time? Which school do I transfer to? Do I transfer to the store closer to my house? Do I give up my social life and continue working AND go back to full time?
And then there's the issue of trust. I trust no one. I am probably making myself insane with my inability to trust anyone anymore who isn't family. But it is so hard to believe that truth can be anything other than painful. It is so hard to believe that anyone could ever actually like me, and not be playing games (we're talkin about boys here FYI). And I am so tired of being left to wonder. I don't care if you're seeing someone else. I don't care if you aren't looking for a relationship. I'm not sure what I want in that regard either, but what I DO want is honesty. I want to know what I'm dealing with so I can prepare myself accordingly. I don't want to allow myself to feel safe with someone only to inevitably discover it was all a lie. Not again. I can't keep getting hurt, getting knocked down and getting up again. Or maybe I can. Maybe that's how its supposed to be. I don't know. I just know that I want to be told the truth for once. I want someone to look me in the eyes and be real. And I want friends that don't only talk to me when they need me, and then blow me off at all other times. I don't want boys to call me at 11PM, asking to hang out because that's just stupid and we all know what it is they're looking for at that hour. I am not that girl. I won't come running at anyone's beck and call. I'm still hurting from the dozen other heartbreaks I've had. I won't give my trust to anyone who can't show me its worth the risk. And quite frankly, lately I question whether I even want to bother anymore. Its really tempting sometimes to just delete my facebook, turn off my cell phone and essentially take myself off the grid.
And then there's anorexia. And how it plays into all of this. I question myself more often when I'm stressed. I feel sick to my stomach half the day some days because of nerves, stress or even just from being jaded. Because somewhere inside my head, I'm beating myself up for setting myself up for another heart break, for being weak and vulnerable and for even considering letting someone else in. I mean hell, I should know better by now. But what can I do? For some reason, there's some small shred of optimism. There always has been. As pessimistic and dark my humor may be, I am really quite a hopeful person. I never really give up even when I say I do. I always go on to another day. And perhaps that's what gotten me this far - to the point where I can go to IHOP for lunch and Friday's for dinner and then out for beers. And not even have a second thought. I know its a good quality. But there are times when I wish I wasn't so...I don't even have the word for it. I let people in without meaning to. I give everyone a place in my heart, even the most casual of friends could call me at midnight with a crisis and I'd stay up all night talking if they needed me. I'm a big bleeding heart. And I know itll never change. And as much as it pains me to say this, I am tired of carrying all this weight. I am just tired. I am burnt out. I don't know how I keep going some times; its a 60-70 hour week between school and work, and I still go out at least one night a week, usually more like 2-3.
Did I mention I'm tired? because I am. And I still can't sleep. And then I end up staying up late, listening to music and smoking too many cigarettes even though I honestly hate the way they taste and the way I feel after having one.
This is why I say, I'm a mess. But I mean well, and somehow it seems to work for me. I'm not perfect. I'm not a hero. I do stupid things, things I'm not proud of, and I mess up. Sigh. I'm rambling now. This is what happens when the coffee wears off I suppose.
Conclusion: I am tired. And I feel lost. And I don't know what to do with myself, whether I should protect myself or actually give someone a shot or not and I am horrible at determining who is actually worthy of my awesome self (which means I let stupid people in and end up feeling even more jaded because the same things keep happening over and over again.)
And apparently, if you keep going - you find things that DO make you smile some days. And that helps the other feelings seem less overpowering. And if you keep going, maybe eventually it really does all sort itself out. After all, most things do if you give it a chance. So hey. I'll keep going on this road I'm on and hope I make the right choices to find somewhere new.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago