Saturday, May 7, 2011

blargh.

I don't know why I'm writing this right now. Well I do. Because there is so much on my mind, and so few people I feel comfortable with letting in.
I am frustrated. With all things. Mainly school, my job, and my social life. There are so many options, so many things I have to choose. Do I give up working so I can go back to school full time? Which school do I transfer to? Do I transfer to the store closer to my house? Do I give up my social life and continue working AND go back to full time?

And then there's the issue of trust. I trust no one. I am probably making myself insane with my inability to trust anyone anymore who isn't family. But it is so hard to believe that truth can be anything other than painful. It is so hard to believe that anyone could ever actually like me, and not be playing games (we're talkin about boys here FYI). And I am so tired of being left to wonder. I don't care if you're seeing someone else. I don't care if you aren't looking for a relationship. I'm not sure what I want in that regard either, but what I DO want is honesty. I want to know what I'm dealing with so I can prepare myself accordingly. I don't want to allow myself to feel safe with someone only to inevitably discover it was all a lie. Not again. I can't keep getting hurt, getting knocked down and getting up again. Or maybe I can. Maybe that's how its supposed to be. I don't know. I just know that I want to be told the truth for once. I want someone to look me in the eyes and be real. And I want friends that don't only talk to me when they need me, and then blow me off at all other times. I don't want boys to call me at 11PM, asking to hang out because that's just stupid and we all know what it is they're looking for at that hour. I am not that girl. I won't come running at anyone's beck and call. I'm still hurting from the dozen other heartbreaks I've had. I won't give my trust to anyone who can't show me its worth the risk. And quite frankly, lately I question whether I even want to bother anymore. Its really tempting sometimes to just delete my facebook, turn off my cell phone and essentially take myself off the grid.

And then there's anorexia. And how it plays into all of this. I question myself more often when I'm stressed. I feel sick to my stomach half the day some days because of nerves, stress or even just from being jaded. Because somewhere inside my head, I'm beating myself up for setting myself up for another heart break, for being weak and vulnerable and for even considering letting someone else in. I mean hell, I should know better by now. But what can I do? For some reason, there's some small shred of optimism. There always has been. As pessimistic and dark my humor may be, I am really quite a hopeful person. I never really give up even when I say I do. I always go on to another day. And perhaps that's what gotten me this far - to the point where I can go to IHOP for lunch and Friday's for dinner and then out for beers. And not even have a second thought. I know its a good quality. But there are times when I wish I wasn't so...I don't even have the word for it. I let people in without meaning to. I give everyone a place in my heart, even the most casual of friends could call me at midnight with a crisis and I'd stay up all night talking if they needed me. I'm a big bleeding heart. And I know itll never change. And as much as it pains me to say this, I am tired of carrying all this weight. I am just tired. I am burnt out. I don't know how I keep going some times; its a 60-70 hour week between school and work, and I still go out at least one night a week, usually more like 2-3.

Did I mention I'm tired? because I am. And I still can't sleep. And then I end up staying up late, listening to music and smoking too many cigarettes even though I honestly hate the way they taste and the way I feel after having one.
This is why I say, I'm a mess. But I mean well, and somehow it seems to work for me. I'm not perfect. I'm not a hero. I do stupid things, things I'm not proud of, and I mess up. Sigh. I'm rambling now. This is what happens when the coffee wears off I suppose.

Conclusion: I am tired. And I feel lost. And I don't know what to do with myself, whether I should protect myself or actually give someone a shot or not and I am horrible at determining who is actually worthy of my awesome self (which means I let stupid people in and end up feeling even more jaded because the same things keep happening over and over again.)
And apparently, if you keep going - you find things that DO make you smile some days. And that helps the other feelings seem less overpowering. And if you keep going, maybe eventually it really does all sort itself out. After all, most things do if you give it a chance. So hey. I'll keep going on this road I'm on and hope I make the right choices to find somewhere new.

6 comments:

  1. My god, can I ever relate to all this. All I can say is, I believe you. And IN you. From one dark-humoured girl to another, I can tell you that things DO sort themselves out.

    You're a fighter, and this will keep you strong. But life is not necessarily about struggle - let go of the paddle, and go WITH the current, rather than against it. Struggle implies expectation. Feeling lost is okay, because who knows what you might come across when you give up the futile search of finding something in particular?

    As they say, you can't always get what you want, but sometimes, you get what you need.

    xoxo

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  2. I can totally relate. Hang in there. it takes time but things even out...( i think ).

    stay strong, hang in there
    xoxo
    -Lisa

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  3. First thing I'd do was quit smoking.

    Secondly, realize that this happens to just about all of us. I had this same conversation with a friend of mine this weekend. Times have changed so much and I hate to say it, but it seems there are more people who are of the "What's In It For Me?" club than there are who properly place the relationship first, instead of themselves. And that's sad.

    One relationship I was in was after a long spell of trying to convince myself that I was okay by myself. To a degree, I am, but I still wanted to see someone. Well I met this chick and very quickly started talking about what kind of person I was looking for...and she very quickly became that very person. In time, it became evident that she was putting on an act, just to be involved with me.

    So the moral of this story is that to truly connect and bond with someone, you have to allow them to earn your trust. Yes, you might get hurt again...yes, they sometimes will violate your trust or take it for granted. BUT, this is why you don't jump in with both feet right away...give it time, get to know them. Because if they ARE faking it, they won't be able to put up that act for months on end. That's when you'll see their true selves.

    Hope you continue writing in the future.

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  4. I don't comment much on anyones blogs I stalk but I got so excited when I saw you wrote something new and my heart sank by the end of the post. I'm so sorry it's not easy for you, and I would say you could take solace in the fact that it's not easy for anyone but that sounds kind of depressing. Feelings are a sticky mess to begin with, start adding in other human's feelings (and their not so true feelings) and it becomes a minefield. I personally think it's fun to decipher, to allude, to keep one on their toes. Maybe you could put up just the tiniest of walls so at least they'd have to work a teeny bit to get to your good hearted insides. I'm not sure how much help a stranger's words are but I have faith in you and I only know what you put out there. Oh and drink a little ginger ale when your tummy acts up, that's what I do for all matter of tummy ailments.

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  5. Tori, I know exactly how you feel :( We keep fighting and fighting and it seems to get nowhere, and it is so tiring and frustrating :/ But Tori, I promise that no matter how hopeless things feel, you are STILL making progress. Every time you refuse to give in to ED you are winning. Never forget that <3

    Stay strong Tori,

    All my love,

    Scott

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  6. I feel the same way right now :(

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