So, its been over a month since my last post. I've since finished school for the semester, partied far too hard and gotten strep throat, dated some pretty cute boys, nearly quit my job and am currently sick again. And now, I sit here writing about all of this. But its really quite the wide variety of topics, isn't it? So I think I need to stick to just one or two for the time being.
I have a confession to make.
I fear I'm running myself into the ground.
I always want to know everything. I always want to do everything. I want to help everyone. I want to go everywhere. Its this constant business that somehow keeps me feeling alive. While every now and again I do enjoy just doing nothing, and I'm good with just relaxing at home with my oatmeal after a long day - I find it hard to relax for whole days at a time. I get stir-crazy after just a few hours. And since there is always someone or something that I can turn my attention to, that's what I do. I'm quite certain that running 16-22 hour days for weeks in a row is what has made me sick again this time. But I've been keeping track. I have been sick literally almost every month (except for like 2-3) since September of 2010. That is beyond ridiculous. And what do all these months have in common:
Working 30+ hours a week at Walmart
Going to school for 20+ hours a week
Training 4 days a week most weeks
Going out at least 1-2x a week most weeks
Throw my bouts of insomnia into the mix (and even that is irregular BTW. I either can't fall asleep, or I wake up at 3AM) and the fact that up until 3 days ago, I was still smoking 5 cigarettes a day, I think its pretty clear why my immune system is getting the shaft.
On the bright side, I've not had a cigarette in 3 days and don't seem to be a neurotic mess yet. Keyword there is "yet" mind you. We shall see how it goes when I finally drag my behind back to work. That'll be the true test.
On the bright side, I spent last Sunday night watching movies and TV with a boy I really like. Even asked me to go to a baseball game with him...a month from now. o.0 This one intends on sticking around that long? srsly? And I being me, didn't want to assume I'd see him again before then. So I told him yknow, just give me a call a few days before you want to go. Boy's response: "You realize we're going out again before that, don't you?"
Enter me blushing profusely. Its occurred to me that when I try to not assume things, I generally just end up assuming the negative instead of the positive. But it was really cute. And I really like him. I've actually been seeing him since May but shhh I'd rather not jinx this for myself. I'm still dating around but out of anyone, I like him the most and I'm kinda hoping to keep seeing him.
On the bright side, all this being sick has prompted me to indulge in ice cream. I haven't really had ice cream in a very long time. And I think I'm in love.
Oh. And since we have to talk about the ED front at least a little bit, I'm letting go more and more all the time. I'm learning to live. To be free. And to not feel guilt. I took my bestie out for drinks after she and her boy broke up. We ended up splitting a tray each of mozzarella sticks and waffle fries. And no, I hadn't intended on it so I was easily 1K over where my calories usually are.
I didn't restrict or cut back in the days that followed. I didn't do a ridic amount of cardio or any of the things a previous me probably would have done in some twisted attempt to keep a balance, and to retain control. I just let it go. And yknow what? I still weighed the same as I did two months ago when I last checked. It appears that along with my waning desire to count calories and keep track of every bite of food I take in, my need to know my weight is diminishing as well. I haven't weighed myself since May. And the time before that, March. I don't really care about some number on the scale. What I care about is feeling good about who I see in the mirror. That's really all I need.
I've been waiting for life to surprise me. To show me that there was a reason to keep on going the way that I was. For several months, I was in a very bad place. I was depressed. I smoked weed on the daily and I kept myself hidden. I allowed someone else to make my life hell, just the way I'd allowed my ED to. It took me far less time to eventually stand up to this person than it did with my ED. And I have never felt as good and as strong than I do now, since that day. And I think that is why I am becoming more successful in more areas of my life. When I was in my little hole, I just wasn't myself, wasn't who I wanted to be and I kept everyone at bay. Sure, I got my heart broken a few times, had some set backs and some let downs. But now I'm back, stronger and better than ever.
Take care of yourselves. Inside and out. Don't let anyone push you around, be it an eating disorder, a boy, a friend or a boss. Stand up for you, for your needs, for your heart. And be proud of all that you are, look in the mirror and tell yourself you're awesome, or that you're a BAMF. Say it til you start to actually believe it. Because its all true. And once you believe in yourself, things seem to come together.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago