Friday, August 26, 2011

Me? Nervous About a Date?

As strange as that sounds, I am. This is not any old date with some silly boy - this is a dinner date with my best friend from high school. I've seen her all of three times since I started my recovery. We got coffee about a month ago, and she came into my work to say hi about a week or so ago. We've been chatting on facebook and such. It is really nice to reconnect with her, especially because we actually live in the same town. I don't have to drive three towns over to hang out with her.

I'm still scared. The last half of our friendship was rather tumultuous because of my eating disorder. I'm nervous that she will judge what I choose to eat, or that she will watch me to see if I'm still eating with anorexic habits. I know its silly - I'll eat how I always do (I am still a rather precise eater, I am the only person I know who can eat buffalo wings and only need one napkin to keep themselves clean) and I'll order whatever sounds good to me. I know once I get there, and we sit down and start talking, all of my worries will disappear. But alas, I feel like I'm going on my very first dinner date all over again. Its kind of cute I suppose. I just want her to see ME, as I am now and not look at me and still see anorexic-Tori. I mean obviously, if she asked me to hang out again, she must see that I am back to being my old self again. But y'know, sometimes I can't help myself. I missed her. It hurt when we lost touch, we had been friends since we were 13. The last time we sat down to chat, she told me she was sorry for what happened. I understood. When you're 19, you don't want mortality staring you in the face. You don't want to watch your friend - one whom you admired and respected and used to wish you could be like - destroy herself. I distanced myself because I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. We were both at fault.
And now hopefully, our friendship can be rekindled. We were inseparable you know. We'd walk 3 miles to her house after school because they wouldn't let me take the bus with her. When things were bad at my house, her family let me stay whole weekends there. We chased wild turkeys on Academy Hill and ran all the way to the abandoned theater when they retaliated. We dyed each others' hair when we were 15. Mine was dyed black on top, with turquoise underneath, and hers black with purple streaks. We were crazy kids who wore plaid skirts, ripped fishnets and Converse. We went to local punk and hardcore shows together, and started our own mosh pits. We were awesome haha. We stood out together, and we had a blast. I look back now and realize how much I loved my life then. And I'm so glad I have the same love for life now. The only difference is that now, I have far more confidence in myself.

Me. At 17. With hot pink hair. I'd have posted the one with me and my friend, but I don't want to infringe privacy like that. Obv there were multiple hair dying experiments haha. I believe we did hers midnight blue that day. XD Eating disorder aside, I've always been fierce as hell. I just embrace it now. ^.^

Monday, August 22, 2011

Summer Recap?

There are many things I want to say. And I almost don't even know where to start. So much has happened since I last posted. I should really be more frequent with my posting so I won't have to recap an entire month's events.

Suffice to say, I am no longer dating anyone. The boy I'd been seeing ditched me for a date (July 9th if we're going to get technical). He stopped speaking to me mid-conversation after I called him out for lying to me about the reason why he was ditching me. I knew. A few days later, thanks to my facebook newsfeed - I found out he was now in a relationship with another girl. His number has since been deleted. And thanks to my friends (whom he happened to work with) - I found out that the aforementioned girl dumped him on his birthday.
Ain't karma something else?
I met a boy at the bar a few days later that somehow renewed my faith in people's ability to be honest. He's currently in prison for a misdemeanor. I sure can pick em, huh? But regardless, it was probably the most understood I think I've ever felt by someone, especially someone I'd only just met. Its weird how you can spend just a night, talking to a total stranger and somehow they change you. I honestly believe things happen for a reason and that the people we meet, even if only for a short while, leave an imprint on us. The human experience is really a constantly evolving and changing thing.

And in speaking of evolution - I feel it poignant to allow a little chat about how AN seems to have really taken a back seat in my life. I stopped caring. I stopped being afraid of my body. I stopped fearing my body changing. I can go out with my friends late at night and drink a pitcher of beer, eat nearly a dozen wings and feel no regrets and don't punish myself for the rest of the week. I can eat Ben and Jerry's right out of the pint and not worry because I know I'll stop when I'm satisfied. BTW if you can find the "Cinnamon Buns" flavor - you MUST buy it. Seriously, the best ice cream I've ever had thus far in life. I've gone adventuring around MA after a night of dancing and rocking out to my favorite band. I've gone dancing, sang a karaoke duet with a boy I just met, and made new friends every time I go out. I've gotten lost in New Haven at 3AM. I rode a mechanical bull! I have done so many things I never thought I would do. I go to the gym, I lift weights and despite my not really keeping track of what/how much I'm eating - I am still extremely happy with my body. Maybe, maybe the key to being happy with what you see on the outside is learning to love what you are on the inside, and living a life that makes you smile.

Now, I can finally see and appreciate who I am. I am Victora. I'm the girl with the big heart, who's always laughing. I'll break your balls any day of the week, and I can appreciate a good roast right back. I don't play games. I don't take anyone's b.s. My friends like to say I have a big set of brass balls, actually. I'm a little crazy but only in the best possible way. I'll always be willing to listen, though what I have to say may not always be what you want to hear. But I could care less, because if I'm being honest with you - that means I care enough and respect you enough to not want to to be anything less than open.

In a nutshell - I'm doing well. I found out just yesterday that one of my courses for the upcoming semester has been cancelled. Kind of irritated that they didn't notify me til a week before school starts. But! But! The upshot here is, the class that was cancelled probably wouldn't have been credited at my transfer school anyways. AND! I don't have to worry about how many hours I'm getting at work now. Oh! Speaking of work. Guess who got a pay raise! ME! I did the math, and with the extra cents per hour plus the fact that I'm averaging 30+ hours a week - I am making an extra $100 a month. Which kind of rocks. Pays for all the gas money spent galavanting around here to there and all of my partying and eating out. So woo hoo!

I think that's all for now loves. If there's anything you guys would like to see in a post, or have me write about - feel free to leave a comment and lmk. I feel like I'm new to this alllll over again and am kind of without direction at the moment haha.