Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I'm sorry.

I have not had a good weekend. I won't get into it. But I feel like I am going downhill. I'm doing the best I can do for myself. But I'm sitting here listening to the same song on repeat because its the only thing that's comforting me right now.

I am not strong because I was born that way. I am not strong because I choose to be. I am the strong one because I have to be. Because everyone around me depends on me to listen and be there for them. I cannot break. I know I will be okay. But I still hurt. I'm exhausted. And I'm tired of feeling like I give so much to everyone, only to get nothing in return. But I can't help myself. I will give you the world if you need me to. And I'll never ask for a thank you or expect you to return the favor. It still stings when no one will listen to me when I need to talk. It still hurts when I realize I've been used.

I need to change. I don't know how. Its part of my personality - I take care of people. I give them my loyalty and my heart very easily. And it always gets taken advantage of. I don't know what to do to stop myself from doing this. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what I've done. Who I am. Why I am this way, why I keep giving and going and never caring about what I'm doing to myself. I'd run myself into my own grave for someone I cared about. It'd be nice if I could just turn that around and give that much to myself. But I suppose other people's problems keeps me from thinking about my own.

And so, I sit here by myself bemoaning the fact that I care too much and don't get a whole lot back. How ridiculous.

I'll pick myself back up again. But right now it really doesn't feel so good.

13 comments:

  1. You've already begun to change by acknowledging the need to do so. The next step, which you're doing by writing this post, is letting yourself grieve. After that, you let it go and start anew.

    You're doing great, Tori. This is YOUR moment - take it and be gloriously selfish!

    *hugs*

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  2. thanks love <3 lol I already feel dumb having written this post as today seems to be going better already. I think having not slept in 3 days due to all the crap that's been going on and then having my friends kind of not even let me talk about it just frustrated the bejeezus out of me.

    thank you again.
    xo

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  3. Tori, there is no need to be sorry <3 I am sorry that you are having to go through all of this disrespect :( you deserve so much more than that <3

    I hope you get the respect and appreciation you deserve today, and truly smile :]

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  4. Sorry I didn't comment on your last post! My kitty cat, Pixie, died (though she's out of pain now, at least) so I've been a bit busy.
    I know what it's like to give a lot and not receive much back. But in the end, you'll always know that you've tried to be a good friend, and you can feel good about yourself. :)
    Maybe someday someone might return the care you've always given. Don't ever forget about yourself, though - that's something I've learned in recovery from anorexia. At first, I was doing it to save my parents the pressure and worry, but eventually I came through to recovering for ME - and sometimes, to help myself, I had to be selfish. This applies outside of an ED. Don't just always jump up to save someone, think about yourself first, too. You're as much an important human being as anyone else.

    I just read your comment here, though, and you're not dumb. Venting helps you get through trouble like this. I'm sorry that your friends haven't been letting you share your worries, but I hope everything clears up. You deserve it more than anyone else! <3

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