Not much of an update, but I have to be back to work in three hours and I can't sleep. Might as well write.
I started dating a boy in September. He dumped me in October. He was easily replaced, for some reason I always seem to find new boys fairly easily.
I still broke down crying at a friend's Halloween party. Like, in the middle of the street - a slightly drunken me fell to my knees and asked my friend "Why? Why am I never good enough?" And he had no answer for me. But being the good friend that he is, he pulled me from the pavement and let me cry for a good five minutes before I collected myself.
Sometimes I still ask myself this, because I have had an endless slew of love interests but so very few stick around and work out. Not that I need them to. But it'd be nice to not feel so fleeting. There are a few who've seem to be sticking around for now, and I'm okay with that. I think the biggest factor in things not panning out for me is my stubbornness. If you won't drive down to hang out with me, certainly don't expect me to be coming at you're every beck and call. And don't expect me to go chasing after you if you don't return a phone call or text. Seriously. No matter how much I like you, I'm not going to chase after you. So there we go.
On a happy note - I'm getting A's in school. I've got a good group of friends who love me. And I'm doing well. Sometimes I party too much. Sometimes I scare myself because I've made a lot of mistakes, but I always seem to have the best time too. Sometimes I am a train wreck. Other times, it seems like I've got it all together. Most people seem to see me as someone who's got it all together. And I know that night I broke down crying, I terrified one of my best friends because he had never seen me that way before. I've always been one to keep a strong face, to not back down and not to let things get me down. But I guess it was just building up - the judgments I make of myself, the standards I hold myself to - it all adds up eventually. I'm still working on learning to forgive myself, to allow myself these mistakes and missteps and these hurts. But I'm getting better, and I'm learning its okay to feel.
And on this Thanksgiving Day that I had to sleep and work through most of (yes, I worked 6:45-12:45 this morning and will be going back to work at 11:30PM) - I am grateful for all that I have, and all that I have been blessed with the opportunity to achieve.
And I have to say, I love my family. As crazy as they are. My father definitely just walked out of the kitchen carrying the ENTIRE tray of cake like a gangsta. And as me and my mom sat here giggling, he turns back around and looks at us and says "Oh, did you want some?"
And he did in fact leave us about a third of the cake LOL.
Now I'm going to go eat some cake, have some coffee and prepare myself for the night to come at work.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago