Today is my last day of school. I have an exam in Chemistry. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will do well. I think I'm going to go the gym in a minute and deadlift out my anxiety. I'm currently dead lifting 100 lbs and squatting 105. I'm pretty stoked. I think that within the next two to three months I'll be at 135 lbs for both lifts. Some random dude actually high-fived me the other day for how good my squat form is.
I'm freaking out inside. Over a lot of things. School and if I want to continue going, or if I want to take a job promotion at work and start as a full time department manager. Sigh. With two sides to everything, it is had to know what it is I really want to do. Perhaps the next semester, taking courses that I actually want to take will rejuvenate my motivation in school.
And the boy. Let me tell you the story because it's almost too cute to be real.
We were best friends until we were 12. I mean like we raced hot wheels, rode bikes and got bloody knees from jumping off the swings together. Our parents were best friends, and our older siblings were friends as well. So, we basically grew up in each other's back pockets. He moved to Maine when we were in the seventh grade. And when I was in seventh grade, neither of us had internet or cellphones or free long distance, so we lost touch. And now, he's moved back into the area. Somehow, he found me. And we've been hanging out and talking ever since. I hadn't seen this kid in a little over ten years. And all it took was seeing him once and it feels like he never left. It seems like we both really like each other. But I'm terrified. Deep down I know I shouldn't be. But given the amount of crap I've been given by the opposite sex, I can't wrap my mind around the idea of anyone actually liking me. I've made my mistakes. And I don't want to make anymore. I feel lost. I'm afraid of trusting him too much just because of the past. I'm afraid that I'm too jaded, that I've already given up on the idea of love and that I won't be able to do this. And I have no idea why I'm saying any of this because we all know that even if I'm absolutely terrified of something, I'm probably going to do it anyways. I suppose the best way to look at this is "Nothing can really break me at this point, but there is the off chance that it may just be something good for me."
AHHHH! okay even with the self-talk here I'm still gonna be having a panic attack for the next month. Oh well. I'll deal. Worse comes to worst, I still have my friends.
The Ebb and Flow
2 months ago