Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ugh.

I have to be up at 6:30AM for work. And it's currently quarter to one.

There are nights when I have trouble sleeping. Its like my whole mind goes into overdrive - all the gears are churning and all the things I try not to think about come crawling back. I suppose it makes sense. I am not without issues. Usually I just ignore them. But in the depths of the night, some part of me needs to think about these things, and recognize the sources of my issues. Otherwise, I'd just be walking around completely ignorant to the cause.

I have immense trust issues. My ability to trust in others was already shaken due to a series of unfortunate events in high school. I didn't really have friends again until I was 22. And now,, there's the fights with my friend A. She and I still aren't talking. And before this, there was the summer and fall of heartache and continually getting left in the dust. Which was fine then, since I still had my friends. But now I don't feel like I have anyone.

And here I am, wondering - has this childhood friend I've been seeing lying to me too? Am I giving him more trust than I should just because we were friends when we were ten? I don't know. I don't have answers for any of the questions I keep asking myself. And then the memories kick in. And I remember why I have these issues. I don't want to be broken again. I was broken for so long. I just can't stand the idea of having that feeling again.

I know I'm rambling and complaining but ugh. I hate these nights. Once I start with one bad memory, the rest spill forth. Its like a chain reaction. I remember one page of the book, and then the rest of the story plays out. Days of anorexia, nights spent crying, hospital beds, the coldness and the feeling of being entirely alone. It's all there in my head and at this hour I can't exactly distract myself. I just want to cry.
Though I am okay with myself and who I am - i am keenly aware that I am not most girls. I don't wear make up. I rarely wear anything outside of a loose t-shirt, jeans and hoody. I like to lift weights and listen to loud music. I don't go out of my way to look cute or to impress anyone. I'm not blonde-haired, I wasn't blessed with more than an A-cup. I don't consider myself to be anywhere near what is portrayed as the stereotypical attractive female. And I am okay with that. But there are times when I fear its an act. Or that my being who I am keeps people away, or scares them away.

I've made many bad decisions, and quite a large percentage of them have happened in the last six months or so. And I don't want this to be another one.

It's one in the morning. And I don't feel even the least bit sleepy. More music. And maybe eventually I'll curl up and fall into the peaceful oblivion of sleep.


"We'll make this disappear, fight on. And with the weight of the world, I was born for this."

5 comments:

  1. Hi Tori, hopefully you are feeling better today.

    I always had this issue too, but sometimes I think if you let people in, not matter what happens afterwards, it feels good. I know you've been hurt before, but sometimes it's worth to take a risk and maybe the come out will be different. Heck, we're all going to die in 2012, so you might as well take risks instead of isolating yourself.

    Joking aside, I hope you spent a good New Year's eve and are having a good day.

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  2. I know how you feel, hope it gets better soon. Kisses.

    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com



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  3. I have these nights all the time. I've been recovering from anorexia for about five years now, and sometimes I wonder if my own trust issues somehow stem from that. How can I trust myself to judge the world, when I saw myself so unclear for so many years? Talking to others who know what you're going through is always a positive thing, I think. Also there's some great advice at http://onlineceucredit.com/edu/social-work-ceus-eda if you're interested. Keep strong. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

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  4. I miss your blogging :) I genuinely hope you're ok and that things are working out for you.

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  5. You're always so candid. I've been reading your blog for years and it has helped me a lot. Thank you, you are quite something. I hope your life is very happy these days. Maybe the break from blogging is a good thing? It's nice to live out there in the real world. I should do that too. Go easy on yourself in life, you've been through more than most have by the age of 40. Lots of love, Rosa x x

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