Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I'm sorry.

I have not had a good weekend. I won't get into it. But I feel like I am going downhill. I'm doing the best I can do for myself. But I'm sitting here listening to the same song on repeat because its the only thing that's comforting me right now.

I am not strong because I was born that way. I am not strong because I choose to be. I am the strong one because I have to be. Because everyone around me depends on me to listen and be there for them. I cannot break. I know I will be okay. But I still hurt. I'm exhausted. And I'm tired of feeling like I give so much to everyone, only to get nothing in return. But I can't help myself. I will give you the world if you need me to. And I'll never ask for a thank you or expect you to return the favor. It still stings when no one will listen to me when I need to talk. It still hurts when I realize I've been used.

I need to change. I don't know how. Its part of my personality - I take care of people. I give them my loyalty and my heart very easily. And it always gets taken advantage of. I don't know what to do to stop myself from doing this. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what I've done. Who I am. Why I am this way, why I keep giving and going and never caring about what I'm doing to myself. I'd run myself into my own grave for someone I cared about. It'd be nice if I could just turn that around and give that much to myself. But I suppose other people's problems keeps me from thinking about my own.

And so, I sit here by myself bemoaning the fact that I care too much and don't get a whole lot back. How ridiculous.

I'll pick myself back up again. But right now it really doesn't feel so good.