Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ugh.

I have to be up at 6:30AM for work. And it's currently quarter to one.

There are nights when I have trouble sleeping. Its like my whole mind goes into overdrive - all the gears are churning and all the things I try not to think about come crawling back. I suppose it makes sense. I am not without issues. Usually I just ignore them. But in the depths of the night, some part of me needs to think about these things, and recognize the sources of my issues. Otherwise, I'd just be walking around completely ignorant to the cause.

I have immense trust issues. My ability to trust in others was already shaken due to a series of unfortunate events in high school. I didn't really have friends again until I was 22. And now,, there's the fights with my friend A. She and I still aren't talking. And before this, there was the summer and fall of heartache and continually getting left in the dust. Which was fine then, since I still had my friends. But now I don't feel like I have anyone.

And here I am, wondering - has this childhood friend I've been seeing lying to me too? Am I giving him more trust than I should just because we were friends when we were ten? I don't know. I don't have answers for any of the questions I keep asking myself. And then the memories kick in. And I remember why I have these issues. I don't want to be broken again. I was broken for so long. I just can't stand the idea of having that feeling again.

I know I'm rambling and complaining but ugh. I hate these nights. Once I start with one bad memory, the rest spill forth. Its like a chain reaction. I remember one page of the book, and then the rest of the story plays out. Days of anorexia, nights spent crying, hospital beds, the coldness and the feeling of being entirely alone. It's all there in my head and at this hour I can't exactly distract myself. I just want to cry.
Though I am okay with myself and who I am - i am keenly aware that I am not most girls. I don't wear make up. I rarely wear anything outside of a loose t-shirt, jeans and hoody. I like to lift weights and listen to loud music. I don't go out of my way to look cute or to impress anyone. I'm not blonde-haired, I wasn't blessed with more than an A-cup. I don't consider myself to be anywhere near what is portrayed as the stereotypical attractive female. And I am okay with that. But there are times when I fear its an act. Or that my being who I am keeps people away, or scares them away.

I've made many bad decisions, and quite a large percentage of them have happened in the last six months or so. And I don't want this to be another one.

It's one in the morning. And I don't feel even the least bit sleepy. More music. And maybe eventually I'll curl up and fall into the peaceful oblivion of sleep.


"We'll make this disappear, fight on. And with the weight of the world, I was born for this."

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Typical Days.

I've worked 9+ hours a day for the past five days. I work hard. I'm double coded to work in two different departments, and if the store decides to keep layaway open year round - they may move me to the back of the store permanently to run layaway and site-to-store orders.
So last night, its my friend P's birthday party. I was getting out of work at 10PM and wasn't sure if I was going to come out. And then my friend A and I devised a most devious plan. I told her, I want to get P with the NERF guns I have in the back of my car. And she loved the idea. So I had her convince him I wasn't even going to show up.
I walked through the back door of the bar. Right when I walked in, P saw me and almost jumped out of his seat. I haven't seen him in a few weeks so he was stoked I came out after work. I sat down with the group for a few minutes. And then said I was gonna head out. My friends A and D said they'd walk me to my car. I loaded everyone up with NERF gear. We waited outside of the bar, hiding in any possible place. Our friend C lured P out of the bar for us.

And then we attacked. My foam dart shooting skills are a force to be reckoned with. First shot: Right in the chest. We all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BISH!" (I may have added a "Hazaa!"....) And then everyone else proceeded to barrage him with foam darts. And just as he was getting into the doorway, I shot him again - this time in the back of the head. P insists I should consider a career in law enforcement. And I quote "You are the only person I know that would have NERF gear in her car at all times, just in case."

Today is finally a day off. And so far this morning, I'm sitting on my living room floor, eating a bowl of cereal and watching "Beauty and the Beast". Later today, I hope to test out the new playground with the Boy. It will be fun. We used to go to the same park when we were growing up so we were both a little upset about it being replaced. Such is my life. This is all pretty normal.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

So. Here we are.

Today is my last day of school. I have an exam in Chemistry. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will do well. I think I'm going to go the gym in a minute and deadlift out my anxiety. I'm currently dead lifting 100 lbs and squatting 105. I'm pretty stoked. I think that within the next two to three months I'll be at 135 lbs for both lifts. Some random dude actually high-fived me the other day for how good my squat form is.

I'm freaking out inside. Over a lot of things. School and if I want to continue going, or if I want to take a job promotion at work and start as a full time department manager. Sigh. With two sides to everything, it is had to know what it is I really want to do. Perhaps the next semester, taking courses that I actually want to take will rejuvenate my motivation in school.

And the boy. Let me tell you the story because it's almost too cute to be real.

We were best friends until we were 12. I mean like we raced hot wheels, rode bikes and got bloody knees from jumping off the swings together. Our parents were best friends, and our older siblings were friends as well. So, we basically grew up in each other's back pockets. He moved to Maine when we were in the seventh grade. And when I was in seventh grade, neither of us had internet or cellphones or free long distance, so we lost touch. And now, he's moved back into the area. Somehow, he found me. And we've been hanging out and talking ever since. I hadn't seen this kid in a little over ten years. And all it took was seeing him once and it feels like he never left. It seems like we both really like each other. But I'm terrified. Deep down I know I shouldn't be. But given the amount of crap I've been given by the opposite sex, I can't wrap my mind around the idea of anyone actually liking me. I've made my mistakes. And I don't want to make anymore. I feel lost. I'm afraid of trusting him too much just because of the past. I'm afraid that I'm too jaded, that I've already given up on the idea of love and that I won't be able to do this. And I have no idea why I'm saying any of this because we all know that even if I'm absolutely terrified of something, I'm probably going to do it anyways. I suppose the best way to look at this is "Nothing can really break me at this point, but there is the off chance that it may just be something good for me."


AHHHH! okay even with the self-talk here I'm still gonna be having a panic attack for the next month. Oh well. I'll deal. Worse comes to worst, I still have my friends.