Thursday, August 23, 2012

Life Cycles.

Totally am naming this post after the album comforting me lately.

I am struggling. I'm eating enough, but these thoughts are overwhelming. My self-esteem has been taking some serious blows lately. My job is working me to the bone. I reset 12 shelving units - tore every item off the shelves, cleaned them, restocked them in an organized fashion. I went to the back-to-school department and started in on organizing that for the billionth time. Then I run back up front to ring out customers for an hour, get sent to the service desk to cover lunches and simultaneously take care of customers with site-to-store orders.
This about my average day at work. Mind you; I am only labelled as a cashier.
I also ran layaway, learned how to work the jewelry counter and the electronics section.
I had my yearly review recently. I only got a forty-cent raise because in spite of all that I do for that store - everything they've ever asked me to do, and much more - I apparently don't work hard enough. I don't smile enough. I look like I'm tired all the time.
These were the reasons I didn't get a bigger raise - even though I'd been promised I'd get more this year.
I'm exhausted because my coworkers are the epitome of laziness. No lie; one of them couldn't even be so moved as to turn her head more than a quarter turn to the left  when I asked her if she knew what time it was.
And then her name was on the back wall as being one of our best cashiers.
I have fastest scanning percentage, but they have a new way of calculating our productivity that your daily totals actually appear HIGHER the LESS time you spend actually working.
It just pisses the hell out of me.
In addition to this, my ex - the one who tried to run me down with his car and physically assaulted me - now appears to go to my gym. I nearly had a panic attack when I thought I saw him. It took me 6-8 months to not watch every car that drove past my house at night to make sure it wasn't him. I was afraid to be at home, at work and at school because he would just randomly show up. It took me months to recover from that fear. And now he's in my gym. I've only seen him once so far, so maybe it was a fluke. Maybe a friend had given him a one-day pass. I don't know.
And, one of my friends - my best friend - is struggling with her ED as well. But I don't want to talk about my still-remaining struggles because I don't want to deter her from recovering.

Life for me is better than it was when I was actively anorexic. But I still have bad days. I have days where all I want to do is hide in my bed til its over. Where I just feel ugly. Where I feel helpless because I am once again unhappy with my body and I have no idea what I can do to fix it. I know I am not fat - I am barely at a BMI of 18.5 and I am mostly muscle. I can squat and deadlift my bodyweight or more. I honestly was disappointed when I got on the scale and saw my weight - I thought gaining 10 pounds would have made such a huge difference in my appearance. But apart from the muscular definition in my back, legs and biceps (and the roundness in my ass) - there's  no change. Its frustrating that I work so hard, and the changes are almost non-existent. And then, the thoughts creep up in my head. You'd be happier if you didn't eat so much. You'd feel better about yourself. You'd look better if you lost 5 pounds.
And then I say fuck you, I'm taking a shower. Putting on my favorite green shorts. And I am going to get my nails done and go to the mall with my friend. We are then going out for sushi and girly drinks, because that's what girls do.
And I will continue to listen to this bad-ass album.

I'm still king of the world!

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Why, hello there.

So, in relation to my last post - that childhood friend I was speaking of? Well, to put it simply - I have learned that my instincts, while some of which are paranoia - are often correct. And that was one of those instances. Blew up in my face like things have a tendency to do. On a happy note, I've been dating someone new for six months. He's really great, treats me better than anyone else ever has. I'm starting at a new school in September. I'll be a registered dietetic technician in 18 months. I'm both nervous and excited. So many things are changing in my life. I'm better than I was a few months ago; I know I am. But, sometimes I long for the nights when I'd just go out and party til the wee hours of the morning with my friends.
      Yes, I neglected to tell you about that. I did a lot of partying in the last year. My schedule consisted of working 35 hours a week, school two days a week, working out 3 days a week, and going out with my friends any time the opportunity presented itself. I am not exactly proud of this. I got over a lot of my fears during this time. But I frequently drank to escape myself, to feel better - no not better. Normal. When I drank, the voices of apprehension about food, about my body - they all disappeared. This led to me finally getting myself to eat enough to gain the last few pounds I needed to reach a healthy weight. It took a year of eating about 3200/day to for me to gain 8 lbs. Now don't we all feel silly for being so nervous about these things? I know I do.
  I still struggle with it at times. All together, I've gained 50 lbs. I've only just reached a BMI of 18.5, so rationally I know its a good thing. But I'm allowed to have my bad days as long as they don't get in the way of me taking care of myself. The new boyfriend can never understand it when I'm upset. He always says how perfect I am. I've always detested being told that - no human is perfect. I just want to be happy with me, and feel human, yknow? That's all I need. Its a work in progress, and the progress is mostly a steady climb upwards.
    I think being a weightlifter has helped me a lot. It gives me this ability to feel good about my body, not because of how it looks but because of what it can do. I used to always be so small and weak, and now I feel strong inside and out. I like the confidence it gives me. It feels pretty badass to walk into the free weight area of the gym and do some squats. Squats are my favorite lift. Its funny really; I'd never done weightlifting before until about two years ago. One day some cute boy decides to show me how to do a lat-pull down and all of sudden its a full blown hobby!  I know it goes against the standard rules of recovery, but I think that when one is physically stable - finding an activity that makes you feel good and does good for your body, that you've no eating disordered ties to (yoga, weightlifting, rockclimbing!) is really paramount to rebuilding a positive relationship with your body. It will amaze you, the things your healthy body can do - things you didn't think you ever could do - and it will give you a sense of pride in yourself that you didn't think you could have, because it's not about the looks of it - but the action, the sensation. And then, hopefully we say to ourselves," Wow! My body is strong, healthy, and it does not just what it needs to do, but all this other cool stuff too! And this cool stuff makes me happy, and this kind of happy lasts. I don't ever want to lose that."

I have unfortunately turned into one of those people that encourages everyone else to do it too because its actually a component of overall physical health. I also make everyone listen to the awesome music that I love. I think I like to share things that make me happy because I am SO THRILLED to have things that I can fully enjoy again. I think that's enough of my ramblings for now. I'm going to go eat my bizarre dinner. Ratatouille with grilled garlic and rosemary chicken, and a smoked salmon sandwich. Yes, girl still eats a lot. My newest food addiction is smoked salmon with tomatoes and cottage cheese on whole wheat. And now I'm really done talking! Love you all, and thanks to those who are still reading.