Thursday, August 23, 2012

Life Cycles.

Totally am naming this post after the album comforting me lately.

I am struggling. I'm eating enough, but these thoughts are overwhelming. My self-esteem has been taking some serious blows lately. My job is working me to the bone. I reset 12 shelving units - tore every item off the shelves, cleaned them, restocked them in an organized fashion. I went to the back-to-school department and started in on organizing that for the billionth time. Then I run back up front to ring out customers for an hour, get sent to the service desk to cover lunches and simultaneously take care of customers with site-to-store orders.
This about my average day at work. Mind you; I am only labelled as a cashier.
I also ran layaway, learned how to work the jewelry counter and the electronics section.
I had my yearly review recently. I only got a forty-cent raise because in spite of all that I do for that store - everything they've ever asked me to do, and much more - I apparently don't work hard enough. I don't smile enough. I look like I'm tired all the time.
These were the reasons I didn't get a bigger raise - even though I'd been promised I'd get more this year.
I'm exhausted because my coworkers are the epitome of laziness. No lie; one of them couldn't even be so moved as to turn her head more than a quarter turn to the left  when I asked her if she knew what time it was.
And then her name was on the back wall as being one of our best cashiers.
I have fastest scanning percentage, but they have a new way of calculating our productivity that your daily totals actually appear HIGHER the LESS time you spend actually working.
It just pisses the hell out of me.
In addition to this, my ex - the one who tried to run me down with his car and physically assaulted me - now appears to go to my gym. I nearly had a panic attack when I thought I saw him. It took me 6-8 months to not watch every car that drove past my house at night to make sure it wasn't him. I was afraid to be at home, at work and at school because he would just randomly show up. It took me months to recover from that fear. And now he's in my gym. I've only seen him once so far, so maybe it was a fluke. Maybe a friend had given him a one-day pass. I don't know.
And, one of my friends - my best friend - is struggling with her ED as well. But I don't want to talk about my still-remaining struggles because I don't want to deter her from recovering.

Life for me is better than it was when I was actively anorexic. But I still have bad days. I have days where all I want to do is hide in my bed til its over. Where I just feel ugly. Where I feel helpless because I am once again unhappy with my body and I have no idea what I can do to fix it. I know I am not fat - I am barely at a BMI of 18.5 and I am mostly muscle. I can squat and deadlift my bodyweight or more. I honestly was disappointed when I got on the scale and saw my weight - I thought gaining 10 pounds would have made such a huge difference in my appearance. But apart from the muscular definition in my back, legs and biceps (and the roundness in my ass) - there's  no change. Its frustrating that I work so hard, and the changes are almost non-existent. And then, the thoughts creep up in my head. You'd be happier if you didn't eat so much. You'd feel better about yourself. You'd look better if you lost 5 pounds.
And then I say fuck you, I'm taking a shower. Putting on my favorite green shorts. And I am going to get my nails done and go to the mall with my friend. We are then going out for sushi and girly drinks, because that's what girls do.
And I will continue to listen to this bad-ass album.

I'm still king of the world!


  1. You are, and have always been, without a doubt, my greatest online role model.

    That is all.

  2. Your mind is like a TV set sometimes...when you don't like what's on, change the channel.

    Life is good.

  3. you are valuable and beautiful... dont give so much of yourself away for free. i know there can be a sick sense of loyalty to these people we work for and we let them abuse us... know there are better jobs out there. dont be afraid to try finding one.

  4. thanks. I've been looking actually. Its just hard cuz the other things I've found won't offer me insurance benefits (which I currently have). And its difficult to get insurance because of my eating disordered history. I know they changed the laws on that, but they do find ways around it (like my taking a OTC calcium supplement was used as cause to deny me insurance, no lie.) le sigh. this is probably allllll part of how they stick you though hah.