So, in relation to my last post - that childhood friend I was speaking of? Well, to put it simply - I have learned that my instincts, while some of which are paranoia - are often correct. And that was one of those instances. Blew up in my face like things have a tendency to do. On a happy note, I've been dating someone new for six months. He's really great, treats me better than anyone else ever has. I'm starting at a new school in September. I'll be a registered dietetic technician in 18 months. I'm both nervous and excited. So many things are changing in my life. I'm better than I was a few months ago; I know I am. But, sometimes I long for the nights when I'd just go out and party til the wee hours of the morning with my friends.
Yes, I neglected to tell you about that. I did a lot of partying in the last year. My schedule consisted of working 35 hours a week, school two days a week, working out 3 days a week, and going out with my friends any time the opportunity presented itself.
I am not exactly proud of this. I got over a lot of my fears during this time. But I frequently drank to escape myself, to feel better - no not better. Normal. When I drank, the voices of apprehension about food, about my body - they all disappeared. This led to me finally getting myself to eat enough to gain the last few pounds I needed to reach a healthy weight. It took a year of eating about 3200/day to for me to gain 8 lbs. Now don't we all feel silly for being so nervous about these things? I know I do.
I still struggle with it at times. All together, I've gained 50 lbs. I've only just reached a BMI of 18.5, so rationally I know its a good thing. But I'm allowed to have my bad days as long as they don't get in the way of me taking care of myself. The new boyfriend can never understand it when I'm upset. He always says how perfect I am. I've always detested being told that - no human is perfect. I just want to be happy with me, and feel human, yknow? That's all I need. Its a work in progress, and the progress is mostly a steady climb upwards.
I think being a weightlifter has helped me a lot. It gives me this ability to feel good about my body, not because of how it looks but because of what it can do. I used to always be so small and weak, and now I feel strong inside and out. I like the confidence it gives me. It feels pretty badass to walk into the free weight area of the gym and do some squats. Squats are my favorite lift.
Its funny really; I'd never done weightlifting before until about two years ago. One day some cute boy decides to show me how to do a lat-pull down and all of sudden its a full blown hobby! I know it goes against the standard rules of recovery, but I think that when one is physically stable - finding an activity that makes you feel good and does good for your body, that you've no eating disordered ties to (yoga, weightlifting, rockclimbing!) is really paramount to rebuilding a positive relationship with your body. It will amaze you, the things your healthy body can do - things you didn't think you ever could do - and it will give you a sense of pride in yourself that you didn't think you could have, because it's not about the looks of it - but the action, the sensation. And then, hopefully we say to ourselves," Wow! My body is strong, healthy, and it does not just what it needs to do, but all this other cool stuff too! And this cool stuff makes me happy, and this kind of happy lasts. I don't ever want to lose that."
I have unfortunately turned into one of those people that encourages everyone else to do it too because its actually a component of overall physical health.
I also make everyone listen to the awesome music that I love. I think I like to share things that make me happy because I am SO THRILLED to have things that I can fully enjoy again.
I think that's enough of my ramblings for now. I'm going to go eat my bizarre dinner. Ratatouille with grilled garlic and rosemary chicken, and a smoked salmon sandwich. Yes, girl still eats a lot. My newest food addiction is smoked salmon with tomatoes and cottage cheese on whole wheat. And now I'm really done talking!
Love you all, and thanks to those who are still reading.
The Ebb and Flow
3 months ago