Sunday, March 10, 2013

To be alone.

Sometimes, I just want to be alone.
I don't want to go to work. Too many people. Too many faces. Too many questions when you can't seem to fake a smile. And customers have no problem telling you to your face that you look unhappy. My favorite is, "If you don't like your job, you should just quit. Let them hire someone who's grateful to have a job." Just because I'm not able to smile doesn't mean I don't appreciate my job. It just means that today, I am not feeling so hot. I have my period. I get these cramps about every six months - they're so bad I feel like I can't stand. So no, I am not going to smile so you can pretend that I am content working at a minimum wage job where I get paid to have creepy men try to hit on me while my mangers do nothing except tell me to "suck it up and flirt back so they keep shopping here." Nope not today no thank you. Its depressing. I know, life is tough. But in my job description, nowhere is the phrase "be objectified on a daily basis." If it was, I'd be on a stage wearing pasties and twirling around a pole. And on that note, I'd probably be making a hell of a lot more money. K? Okay.
But that's not the point of this.
Sometimes, I just want to pull my favorite blanket on over my head and hide. I don't want to be looked at. I don't want to be seen. I don't want to feel inferior to the world around me, which I so often do. I don't blame my awkwardness on anorexia. But I have never really found a place in life where I felt like I belonged. I know I'm only 24. I don't have one person IRL that I feel I can talk to, except my own mother. And even she brushes me off from time to time. I love my boyfriend, I really do. But talking to him is kind of futile. He does listen - I think. But sometimes I feel like me talking is just an annoyance to him. I'm sure its in my head, but I can't get around it. I don't fit in at work - which I admit to be a good thing because really, who wants to belong in retail. I thought maybe when I started my RD program - I'd make friends. And while I converse with other students and people seem to like me, I'm not in on the circle of friendship. Many of my classmates have exchanged phone numbers, Facebooks, etc. They study together, do homework together. I'm not really an aggressive person. I'm afraid of being pushy and being seen as some whackamole who insists on talking to people that don't actually like her.  And sometimes, I notice myself shying away from conversations. Sometimes I talk. And wish I hadn't. Feel like I said too much. Feel embarrassed. This happens a lot in class. We've been discussing things that I have experience with - bradychardia, hypotension, osteoporosis, malnourishment. So of course, before I can think to stop myself - open mouth, insert me being smarty pants. And then I feel self-conscious - (Am I answering too many questions in a row? Do I sound like a know-it-all? OhgodIdidntmeanto!) Or, if I don't start talking or answering questions, I sit in what feels like awkward silence with my thoughts.

And sometimes, even now, I just wish I had died because life after recovery is hard too. I know that's terrible of me to say. But honestly - there is no real reason why I SHOULD have survived what I did. And that still boggles my mind, I guess.  I don't feel like I know how to relate to people. I don't know how to be in a long term relationship. I don't know how to  let things go, to not have hurt feelings over things that seem trivial but I see as a sign of my worthlessness. I just feel generally uncomfortable with my life sometimes. Not that comfort is happiness, or a sign of success. Quite the opposite from what I'm told. But, I still find myself wanting to just put it all on hold - work, school, boyfriend - and get my shit together. Then again, I probably never will feel that I have it together. I have a need to be in control - to know everything I'm doing or going to do in advance. I like to have plans. You can't plan life. And that scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid of failing. Of quitting my job, regardless of how unhappy I am. Of not doing well enough in school, of not getting a job in the field next spring. Of ruining my relationship with someone I love. Or of staying in a relationship I'm unsure of at times, because I don't know what love really is.

I never know if I just want to be alone and deal with things, or if its better to distract myself. Its like there is so much going on inside my head, and I know most of it doesn't need to be there. But the only way to turn it off is to talk about it. And writing it down is the only way I can talk about it, uninterrupted and without feeling like an ass. Well, I still feel like an ass. But hey, you can't have everything.

3 comments:

  1. i love you tori...really i do:-)

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  2. I feel this way ALOT. Alot more than I care for. It's hard, It really is. Anorexia runs far deeper than people seem to realise, by "people" I include the "sufferers" in that bracket. Anorexia is one of those words that has had so much press, Its very mention con-notates notions of thin girls who have a irrational fear of food and weight gain, but really, when that fear is tackled and the "anorexic" eats again (usually in a manner that is still disordered) there is still that nagging obsession, rumination, preoccupation, with food. With our inabilities to function or "fit in" with those around us. Our constant guilt, self-doubt, awkwardness (painful awkwardness) Its just hard. And sometimes the hardest thing is accepting that. But just knowing that someone else feels the same, helps. It helps because its better than feeling like such an outcast.

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