Almonds and Honey

Ugh.

2011-12-31T00:36:00.005-05:00

I have to be up at 6:30AM for work. And it's currently quarter to one.

There are nights when I have trouble sleeping. Its like my whole mind goes into overdrive - all the gears are churning and all the things I try not to think about come crawling back. I suppose it makes sense. I am not without issues. Usually I just ignore them. But in the depths of the night, some part of me needs to think about these things, and recognize the sources of my issues. Otherwise, I'd just be walking around completely ignorant to the cause.

I have immense trust issues. My ability to trust in others was already shaken due to a series of unfortunate events in high school. I didn't really have friends again until I was 22. And now,, there's the fights with my friend A. She and I still aren't talking. And before this, there was the summer and fall of heartache and continually getting left in the dust. Which was fine then, since I still had my friends. But now I don't feel like I have anyone.

And here I am, wondering - has this childhood friend I've been seeing lying to me too? Am I giving him more trust than I should just because we were friends when we were ten? I don't know. I don't have answers for any of the questions I keep asking myself. And then the memories kick in. And I remember why I have these issues. I don't want to be broken again. I was broken for so long. I just can't stand the idea of having that feeling again.

I know I'm rambling and complaining but ugh. I hate these nights. Once I start with one bad memory, the rest spill forth. Its like a chain reaction. I remember one page of the book, and then the rest of the story plays out. Days of anorexia, nights spent crying, hospital beds, the coldness and the feeling of being entirely alone. It's all there in my head and at this hour I can't exactly distract myself. I just want to cry.
Though I am okay with myself and who I am - i am keenly aware that I am not most girls. I don't wear make up. I rarely wear anything outside of a loose t-shirt, jeans and hoody. I like to lift weights and listen to loud music. I don't go out of my way to look cute or to impress anyone. I'm not blonde-haired, I wasn't blessed with more than an A-cup. I don't consider myself to be anywhere near what is portrayed as the stereotypical attractive female. And I am okay with that. But there are times when I fear its an act. Or that my being who I am keeps people away, or scares them away.

I've made many bad decisions, and quite a large percentage of them have happened in the last six months or so. And I don't want this to be another one.

It's one in the morning. And I don't feel even the least bit sleepy. More music. And maybe eventually I'll curl up and fall into the peaceful oblivion of sleep.

"We'll make this disappear, fight on. And with the weight of the world, I was born for this."

Typical Days.

2011-12-20T09:29:00.004-05:00

I've worked 9+ hours a day for the past five days. I work hard. I'm double coded to work in two different departments, and if the store decides to keep layaway open year round - they may move me to the back of the store permanently to run layaway and site-to-store orders.
So last night, its my friend P's birthday party. I was getting out of work at 10PM and wasn't sure if I was going to come out. And then my friend A and I devised a most devious plan. I told her, I want to get P with the NERF guns I have in the back of my car. And she loved the idea. So I had her convince him I wasn't even going to show up.
I walked through the back door of the bar. Right when I walked in, P saw me and almost jumped out of his seat. I haven't seen him in a few weeks so he was stoked I came out after work. I sat down with the group for a few minutes. And then said I was gonna head out. My friends A and D said they'd walk me to my car. I loaded everyone up with NERF gear. We waited outside of the bar, hiding in any possible place. Our friend C lured P out of the bar for us.

And then we attacked. My foam dart shooting skills are a force to be reckoned with. First shot: Right in the chest. We all yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BISH!" (I may have added a "Hazaa!"....) And then everyone else proceeded to barrage him with foam darts. And just as he was getting into the doorway, I shot him again - this time in the back of the head. P insists I should consider a career in law enforcement. And I quote "You are the only person I know that would have NERF gear in her car at all times, just in case."

Today is finally a day off. And so far this morning, I'm sitting on my living room floor, eating a bowl of cereal and watching "Beauty and the Beast". Later today, I hope to test out the new playground with the Boy. It will be fun. We used to go to the same park when we were growing up so we were both a little upset about it being replaced. Such is my life. This is all pretty normal.

So. Here we are.

2011-12-13T09:53:00.002-05:00

Today is my last day of school. I have an exam in Chemistry. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will do well. I think I'm going to go the gym in a minute and deadlift out my anxiety. I'm currently dead lifting 100 lbs and squatting 105. I'm pretty stoked. I think that within the next two to three months I'll be at 135 lbs for both lifts. Some random dude actually high-fived me the other day for how good my squat form is.

I'm freaking out inside. Over a lot of things. School and if I want to continue going, or if I want to take a job promotion at work and start as a full time department manager. Sigh. With two sides to everything, it is had to know what it is I really want to do. Perhaps the next semester, taking courses that I actually want to take will rejuvenate my motivation in school.

And the boy. Let me tell you the story because it's almost too cute to be real.

We were best friends until we were 12. I mean like we raced hot wheels, rode bikes and got bloody knees from jumping off the swings together. Our parents were best friends, and our older siblings were friends as well. So, we basically grew up in each other's back pockets. He moved to Maine when we were in the seventh grade. And when I was in seventh grade, neither of us had internet or cellphones or free long distance, so we lost touch. And now, he's moved back into the area. Somehow, he found me. And we've been hanging out and talking ever since. I hadn't seen this kid in a little over ten years. And all it took was seeing him once and it feels like he never left. It seems like we both really like each other. But I'm terrified. Deep down I know I shouldn't be. But given the amount of crap I've been given by the opposite sex, I can't wrap my mind around the idea of anyone actually liking me. I've made my mistakes. And I don't want to make anymore. I feel lost. I'm afraid of trusting him too much just because of the past. I'm afraid that I'm too jaded, that I've already given up on the idea of love and that I won't be able to do this. And I have no idea why I'm saying any of this because we all know that even if I'm absolutely terrified of something, I'm probably going to do it anyways. I suppose the best way to look at this is "Nothing can really break me at this point, but there is the off chance that it may just be something good for me."

AHHHH! okay even with the self-talk here I'm still gonna be having a panic attack for the next month. Oh well. I'll deal. Worse comes to worst, I still have my friends.

Update.

2011-11-24T21:08:00.002-05:00

Not much of an update, but I have to be back to work in three hours and I can't sleep. Might as well write.

I started dating a boy in September. He dumped me in October. He was easily replaced, for some reason I always seem to find new boys fairly easily.
I still broke down crying at a friend's Halloween party. Like, in the middle of the street - a slightly drunken me fell to my knees and asked my friend "Why? Why am I never good enough?" And he had no answer for me. But being the good friend that he is, he pulled me from the pavement and let me cry for a good five minutes before I collected myself.

Sometimes I still ask myself this, because I have had an endless slew of love interests but so very few stick around and work out. Not that I need them to. But it'd be nice to not feel so fleeting. There are a few who've seem to be sticking around for now, and I'm okay with that. I think the biggest factor in things not panning out for me is my stubbornness. If you won't drive down to hang out with me, certainly don't expect me to be coming at you're every beck and call. And don't expect me to go chasing after you if you don't return a phone call or text. Seriously. No matter how much I like you, I'm not going to chase after you. So there we go.

On a happy note - I'm getting A's in school. I've got a good group of friends who love me. And I'm doing well. Sometimes I party too much. Sometimes I scare myself because I've made a lot of mistakes, but I always seem to have the best time too. Sometimes I am a train wreck. Other times, it seems like I've got it all together. Most people seem to see me as someone who's got it all together. And I know that night I broke down crying, I terrified one of my best friends because he had never seen me that way before. I've always been one to keep a strong face, to not back down and not to let things get me down. But I guess it was just building up - the judgments I make of myself, the standards I hold myself to - it all adds up eventually. I'm still working on learning to forgive myself, to allow myself these mistakes and missteps and these hurts. But I'm getting better, and I'm learning its okay to feel.

And on this Thanksgiving Day that I had to sleep and work through most of (yes, I worked 6:45-12:45 this morning and will be going back to work at 11:30PM) - I am grateful for all that I have, and all that I have been blessed with the opportunity to achieve.

And I have to say, I love my family. As crazy as they are. My father definitely just walked out of the kitchen carrying the ENTIRE tray of cake like a gangsta. And as me and my mom sat here giggling, he turns back around and looks at us and says "Oh, did you want some?"
And he did in fact leave us about a third of the cake LOL.

Now I'm going to go eat some cake, have some coffee and prepare myself for the night to come at work.

I'm sorry.

2011-09-13T22:40:00.002-04:00

I have not had a good weekend. I won't get into it. But I feel like I am going downhill. I'm doing the best I can do for myself. But I'm sitting here listening to the same song on repeat because its the only thing that's comforting me right now.

I am not strong because I was born that way. I am not strong because I choose to be. I am the strong one because I have to be. Because everyone around me depends on me to listen and be there for them. I cannot break. I know I will be okay. But I still hurt. I'm exhausted. And I'm tired of feeling like I give so much to everyone, only to get nothing in return. But I can't help myself. I will give you the world if you need me to. And I'll never ask for a thank you or expect you to return the favor. It still stings when no one will listen to me when I need to talk. It still hurts when I realize I've been used.

I need to change. I don't know how. Its part of my personality - I take care of people. I give them my loyalty and my heart very easily. And it always gets taken advantage of. I don't know what to do to stop myself from doing this. I look in the mirror sometimes and wonder what I've done. Who I am. Why I am this way, why I keep giving and going and never caring about what I'm doing to myself. I'd run myself into my own grave for someone I cared about. It'd be nice if I could just turn that around and give that much to myself. But I suppose other people's problems keeps me from thinking about my own.

And so, I sit here by myself bemoaning the fact that I care too much and don't get a whole lot back. How ridiculous.

I'll pick myself back up again. But right now it really doesn't feel so good.

Me? Nervous About a Date?

2011-08-26T16:38:00.005-04:00

As strange as that sounds, I am. This is not any old date with some silly boy - this is a dinner date with my best friend from high school. I've seen her all of three times since I started my recovery. We got coffee about a month ago, and she came into my work to say hi about a week or so ago. We've been chatting on facebook and such. It is really nice to reconnect with her, especially because we actually live in the same town. I don't have to drive three towns over to hang out with her.

I'm still scared. The last half of our friendship was rather tumultuous because of my eating disorder. I'm nervous that she will judge what I choose to eat, or that she will watch me to see if I'm still eating with anorexic habits. I know its silly - I'll eat how I always do (I am still a rather precise eater, I am the only person I know who can eat buffalo wings and only need one napkin to keep themselves clean) and I'll order whatever sounds good to me. I know once I get there, and we sit down and start talking, all of my worries will disappear. But alas, I feel like I'm going on my very first dinner date all over again. Its kind of cute I suppose. I just want her to see ME, as I am now and not look at me and still see anorexic-Tori. I mean obviously, if she asked me to hang out again, she must see that I am back to being my old self again. But y'know, sometimes I can't help myself. I missed her. It hurt when we lost touch, we had been friends since we were 13. The last time we sat down to chat, she told me she was sorry for what happened. I understood. When you're 19, you don't want mortality staring you in the face. You don't want to watch your friend - one whom you admired and respected and used to wish you could be like - destroy herself. I distanced myself because I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. We were both at fault.
And now hopefully, our friendship can be rekindled. We were inseparable you know. We'd walk 3 miles to her house after school because they wouldn't let me take the bus with her. When things were bad at my house, her family let me stay whole weekends there. We chased wild turkeys on Academy Hill and ran all the way to the abandoned theater when they retaliated. We dyed each others' hair when we were 15. Mine was dyed black on top, with turquoise underneath, and hers black with purple streaks. We were crazy kids who wore plaid skirts, ripped fishnets and Converse. We went to local punk and hardcore shows together, and started our own mosh pits. We were awesome haha. We stood out together, and we had a blast. I look back now and realize how much I loved my life then. And I'm so glad I have the same love for life now. The only difference is that now, I have far more confidence in myself.

Me. At 17. With hot pink hair. I'd have posted the one with me and my friend, but I don't want to infringe privacy like that. Obv there were multiple hair dying experiments haha. I believe we did hers midnight blue that day. XD Eating disorder aside, I've always been fierce as hell. I just embrace it now. ^.^

Summer Recap?

2011-08-22T10:09:00.002-04:00

There are many things I want to say. And I almost don't even know where to start. So much has happened since I last posted. I should really be more frequent with my posting so I won't have to recap an entire month's events.

Suffice to say, I am no longer dating anyone. The boy I'd been seeing ditched me for a date (July 9th if we're going to get technical). He stopped speaking to me mid-conversation after I called him out for lying to me about the reason why he was ditching me. I knew. A few days later, thanks to my facebook newsfeed - I found out he was now in a relationship with another girl. His number has since been deleted. And thanks to my friends (whom he happened to work with) - I found out that the aforementioned girl dumped him on his birthday.
Ain't karma something else?
I met a boy at the bar a few days later that somehow renewed my faith in people's ability to be honest. He's currently in prison for a misdemeanor. I sure can pick em, huh? But regardless, it was probably the most understood I think I've ever felt by someone, especially someone I'd only just met. Its weird how you can spend just a night, talking to a total stranger and somehow they change you. I honestly believe things happen for a reason and that the people we meet, even if only for a short while, leave an imprint on us. The human experience is really a constantly evolving and changing thing.

And in speaking of evolution - I feel it poignant to allow a little chat about how AN seems to have really taken a back seat in my life. I stopped caring. I stopped being afraid of my body. I stopped fearing my body changing. I can go out with my friends late at night and drink a pitcher of beer, eat nearly a dozen wings and feel no regrets and don't punish myself for the rest of the week. I can eat Ben and Jerry's right out of the pint and not worry because I know I'll stop when I'm satisfied. BTW if you can find the "Cinnamon Buns" flavor - you MUST buy it. Seriously, the best ice cream I've ever had thus far in life. I've gone adventuring around MA after a night of dancing and rocking out to my favorite band. I've gone dancing, sang a karaoke duet with a boy I just met, and made new friends every time I go out. I've gotten lost in New Haven at 3AM. I rode a mechanical bull! I have done so many things I never thought I would do. I go to the gym, I lift weights and despite my not really keeping track of what/how much I'm eating - I am still extremely happy with my body. Maybe, maybe the key to being happy with what you see on the outside is learning to love what you are on the inside, and living a life that makes you smile.

Now, I can finally see and appreciate who I am. I am Victora. I'm the girl with the big heart, who's always laughing. I'll break your balls any day of the week, and I can appreciate a good roast right back. I don't play games. I don't take anyone's b.s. My friends like to say I have a big set of brass balls, actually. I'm a little crazy but only in the best possible way. I'll always be willing to listen, though what I have to say may not always be what you want to hear. But I could care less, because if I'm being honest with you - that means I care enough and respect you enough to not want to to be anything less than open.

In a nutshell - I'm doing well. I found out just yesterday that one of my courses for the upcoming semester has been cancelled. Kind of irritated that they didn't notify me til a week before school starts. But! But! The upshot here is, the class that was cancelled probably wouldn't have been credited at my transfer school anyways. AND! I don't have to worry about how many hours I'm getting at work now. Oh! Speaking of work. Guess who got a pay raise! ME! I did the math, and with the extra cents per hour plus the fact that I'm averaging 30+ hours a week - I am making an extra $100 a month. Which kind of rocks. Pays for all the gas money spent galavanting around here to there and all of my partying and eating out. So woo hoo!

I think that's all for now loves. If there's anything you guys would like to see in a post, or have me write about - feel free to leave a comment and lmk. I feel like I'm new to this alllll over again and am kind of without direction at the moment haha.

Hello there!

2011-06-17T12:56:00.002-04:00

So, its been over a month since my last post. I've since finished school for the semester, partied far too hard and gotten strep throat, dated some pretty cute boys, nearly quit my job and am currently sick again. And now, I sit here writing about all of this. But its really quite the wide variety of topics, isn't it? So I think I need to stick to just one or two for the time being.

I have a confession to make.
I fear I'm running myself into the ground.
I always want to know everything. I always want to do everything. I want to help everyone. I want to go everywhere. Its this constant business that somehow keeps me feeling alive. While every now and again I do enjoy just doing nothing, and I'm good with just relaxing at home with my oatmeal after a long day - I find it hard to relax for whole days at a time. I get stir-crazy after just a few hours. And since there is always someone or something that I can turn my attention to, that's what I do. I'm quite certain that running 16-22 hour days for weeks in a row is what has made me sick again this time. But I've been keeping track. I have been sick literally almost every month (except for like 2-3) since September of 2010. That is beyond ridiculous. And what do all these months have in common:
Working 30+ hours a week at Walmart
Going to school for 20+ hours a week
Training 4 days a week most weeks
Going out at least 1-2x a week most weeks

Throw my bouts of insomnia into the mix (and even that is irregular BTW. I either can't fall asleep, or I wake up at 3AM) and the fact that up until 3 days ago, I was still smoking 5 cigarettes a day, I think its pretty clear why my immune system is getting the shaft.
On the bright side, I've not had a cigarette in 3 days and don't seem to be a neurotic mess yet. Keyword there is "yet" mind you. We shall see how it goes when I finally drag my behind back to work. That'll be the true test.
On the bright side, I spent last Sunday night watching movies and TV with a boy I really like. Even asked me to go to a baseball game with him...a month from now. o.0 This one intends on sticking around that long? srsly? And I being me, didn't want to assume I'd see him again before then. So I told him yknow, just give me a call a few days before you want to go. Boy's response: "You realize we're going out again before that, don't you?"
Enter me blushing profusely. Its occurred to me that when I try to not assume things, I generally just end up assuming the negative instead of the positive. But it was really cute. And I really like him. I've actually been seeing him since May but shhh I'd rather not jinx this for myself. I'm still dating around but out of anyone, I like him the most and I'm kinda hoping to keep seeing him.
On the bright side, all this being sick has prompted me to indulge in ice cream. I haven't really had ice cream in a very long time. And I think I'm in love.
Oh. And since we have to talk about the ED front at least a little bit, I'm letting go more and more all the time. I'm learning to live. To be free. And to not feel guilt. I took my bestie out for drinks after she and her boy broke up. We ended up splitting a tray each of mozzarella sticks and waffle fries. And no, I hadn't intended on it so I was easily 1K over where my calories usually are.
I didn't restrict or cut back in the days that followed. I didn't do a ridic amount of cardio or any of the things a previous me probably would have done in some twisted attempt to keep a balance, and to retain control. I just let it go. And yknow what? I still weighed the same as I did two months ago when I last checked. It appears that along with my waning desire to count calories and keep track of every bite of food I take in, my need to know my weight is diminishing as well. I haven't weighed myself since May. And the time before that, March. I don't really care about some number on the scale. What I care about is feeling good about who I see in the mirror. That's really all I need.

I've been waiting for life to surprise me. To show me that there was a reason to keep on going the way that I was. For several months, I was in a very bad place. I was depressed. I smoked weed on the daily and I kept myself hidden. I allowed someone else to make my life hell, just the way I'd allowed my ED to. It took me far less time to eventually stand up to this person than it did with my ED. And I have never felt as good and as strong than I do now, since that day. And I think that is why I am becoming more successful in more areas of my life. When I was in my little hole, I just wasn't myself, wasn't who I wanted to be and I kept everyone at bay. Sure, I got my heart broken a few times, had some set backs and some let downs. But now I'm back, stronger and better than ever.
Take care of yourselves. Inside and out. Don't let anyone push you around, be it an eating disorder, a boy, a friend or a boss. Stand up for you, for your needs, for your heart. And be proud of all that you are, look in the mirror and tell yourself you're awesome, or that you're a BAMF. Say it til you start to actually believe it. Because its all true. And once you believe in yourself, things seem to come together.

blargh.

2011-05-07T22:33:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I'm writing this right now. Well I do. Because there is so much on my mind, and so few people I feel comfortable with letting in.
I am frustrated. With all things. Mainly school, my job, and my social life. There are so many options, so many things I have to choose. Do I give up working so I can go back to school full time? Which school do I transfer to? Do I transfer to the store closer to my house? Do I give up my social life and continue working AND go back to full time?

And then there's the issue of trust. I trust no one. I am probably making myself insane with my inability to trust anyone anymore who isn't family. But it is so hard to believe that truth can be anything other than painful. It is so hard to believe that anyone could ever actually like me, and not be playing games (we're talkin about boys here FYI). And I am so tired of being left to wonder. I don't care if you're seeing someone else. I don't care if you aren't looking for a relationship. I'm not sure what I want in that regard either, but what I DO want is honesty. I want to know what I'm dealing with so I can prepare myself accordingly. I don't want to allow myself to feel safe with someone only to inevitably discover it was all a lie. Not again. I can't keep getting hurt, getting knocked down and getting up again. Or maybe I can. Maybe that's how its supposed to be. I don't know. I just know that I want to be told the truth for once. I want someone to look me in the eyes and be real. And I want friends that don't only talk to me when they need me, and then blow me off at all other times. I don't want boys to call me at 11PM, asking to hang out because that's just stupid and we all know what it is they're looking for at that hour. I am not that girl. I won't come running at anyone's beck and call. I'm still hurting from the dozen other heartbreaks I've had. I won't give my trust to anyone who can't show me its worth the risk. And quite frankly, lately I question whether I even want to bother anymore. Its really tempting sometimes to just delete my facebook, turn off my cell phone and essentially take myself off the grid.

And then there's anorexia. And how it plays into all of this. I question myself more often when I'm stressed. I feel sick to my stomach half the day some days because of nerves, stress or even just from being jaded. Because somewhere inside my head, I'm beating myself up for setting myself up for another heart break, for being weak and vulnerable and for even considering letting someone else in. I mean hell, I should know better by now. But what can I do? For some reason, there's some small shred of optimism. There always has been. As pessimistic and dark my humor may be, I am really quite a hopeful person. I never really give up even when I say I do. I always go on to another day. And perhaps that's what gotten me this far - to the point where I can go to IHOP for lunch and Friday's for dinner and then out for beers. And not even have a second thought. I know its a good quality. But there are times when I wish I wasn't so...I don't even have the word for it. I let people in without meaning to. I give everyone a place in my heart, even the most casual of friends could call me at midnight with a crisis and I'd stay up all night talking if they needed me. I'm a big bleeding heart. And I know itll never change. And as much as it pains me to say this, I am tired of carrying all this weight. I am just tired. I am burnt out. I don't know how I keep going some times; its a 60-70 hour week between school and work, and I still go out at least one night a week, usually more like 2-3.

Did I mention I'm tired? because I am. And I still can't sleep. And then I end up staying up late, listening to music and smoking too many cigarettes even though I honestly hate the way they taste and the way I feel after having one.
This is why I say, I'm a mess. But I mean well, and somehow it seems to work for me. I'm not perfect. I'm not a hero. I do stupid things, things I'm not proud of, and I mess up. Sigh. I'm rambling now. This is what happens when the coffee wears off I suppose.

Conclusion: I am tired. And I feel lost. And I don't know what to do with myself, whether I should protect myself or actually give someone a shot or not and I am horrible at determining who is actually worthy of my awesome self (which means I let stupid people in and end up feeling even more jaded because the same things keep happening over and over again.)
And apparently, if you keep going - you find things that DO make you smile some days. And that helps the other feelings seem less overpowering. And if you keep going, maybe eventually it really does all sort itself out. After all, most things do if you give it a chance. So hey. I'll keep going on this road I'm on and hope I make the right choices to find somewhere new.

long time no see

2011-03-10T18:26:00.006-05:00

I've missed all of you sooo much. I promise, I've been reading everyone's blogs in my absence, just been too lazy to write myself.
Okay, lazy is the wrong word.
I have been through a LOT in the past months. And given the place I was in - it was honestly easier for me to not write about it. Time for some honesty though.

In the months leading up to 2011, I was really struggling with depression. I was doing fine with my anorexia, for the most part. But there were times when I would obsess over how much I should be eating - two tablespoons of peanut butter? Or do I just need one? I didn't do X today so maybe just one? And then I would spiral out from there. I felt so out of control when these thoughts would enter my mind. I felt like I would never be free from my ED. I believe this was all brought on by the sheer amount of stress and guilt being dumped on me by a certain boy whom I'd parted ways with. Regardless, I was not in the best place emotionally. And so, I tried to escape this through various means.
By January, I was feeling a lot better though still not 100%. I was dating someone new, going out and actually being social. It almost seemed like I was getting to be me again. Took me awhile, but I was getting there.

And then I was dumped. Via text message. While I was taking a nap before work.
My ego was bruised. I was hurt. I didn't understand what happened. But for some reason, after a few days or weeks - I'm not sure of the time frame - it actually snapped me out of my funk. I stopped letting the words that echoed in my mind have power over me. I stopped worrying about whether or not I'd ever be free from my ED. I stopped trying to escape my life and started facing it. And finally saw things more rationally than I had in awhile. I made friends. I did karaoke with the girls, I went to the casino with my gym buddies. I started living a life that was finally, whole heartedly, entirely MINE. Something that I realized, I hadn't done in YEARS. Because when I started dating a certain boy in 2009, just after really getting a foothold in recovery, he tried to control my life. He would tell me how sick I still was with AN, how no one else would put up with me, how horrible a person I was because I didn't do every thing he asked me to do. And for some stupid reason - it sunk in and on some level, I believed him. And even after we broke up - he used the guilt and hurt and grief to keep me from being able to be happy. His words - the words that basically mimicked that of anorexia- had no more power of me, because I realized what a jerk he was. Why on earth did I EVER let anyone make me feel so lousy? A therapist would probably tell me its because it was some twisted reminder of my ED voice and that's why I accepted it so easily as being okay. But when I cut him out that final time, and when I started facing my life for real - everything changed for the better.

And now, I'm back in school. I'm doing really well this semester. I've made more friends. I'm a beast in the gym, and I'm building an awesome butt btw. I think the gym is something I've def come to rely on as something to brighten my day. I've met some pretty cool guys there, they treat me like one of the boys. Always picking on me (in jest of course) and they also helped me decide to start pushing myself harder to put weight on.

Now. Here's the real reason why I'm posting. My painting class.
Our second assignment was to create an accretion self portrait. Basically, its an abstract self portrait created by many many layers of paint. This was fine. Mine came out pretty awesome actually, and I'm happy with it.
Our next assignment? Tell the story of your life in a series of paintings
Oh. Boy.
I started one canvas the other day. I decided to go balls out and just do what I figured would be one of the hardest ones first. Its an abstract painting. Palette knife in hand, I created my backround. Smears of dark colors to make what looks like an ocean. A lip of gray crested across the top. And then I started tearing up my journals. Food journal pages, exercise journal pages, and random loose pages of journal that I'd found. I mod-podged these bits and scraps onto the canvas. I left two of the pieces of journal pages fairly intact so they could be read. One of the scraps I'd pasted near the top was a daily goal. I guess I must have been having a hell of a day that day. I'd scribbled out the goal I'd originally written and replaced it with the words "Kill Myself".

I often forget how desolate and helpless I once felt. I looked at the words I'd written on the pages. My eyes watered. This was my life. Literally, my life pasted up on a board for people to see. Calories in, calories out. And I knew no other way. "I don't want this life anymore, or any life for that matter. No matter how hard I try, its never good enough. So why bother trying". That's a direct quote from my journal in 2008.

Its really hard for me to share with anyone how weak I was. I always portray this image as being a hard-ass, of being strong and tough as nails. But truth be told, I was just a scared little girl. I didn't know what I was doing when I started recovery. I was resistant, stuck in my ways and terrified of change. Slowly but surely, with persistence and with a lot of mistakes - I did it. Even now, there are times when I feel insecure or unsure. But I keep going and I do it anyways. Because even if I have one bad day, I know in my heart a bad day today is still better than the alternative. And because now I know one bad day is not an end all, be all. Better days will come as long as you keep yourself open to them.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T11:42:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year loves!

A lot has changed for me in the past year, more than I can recount to be honest. There have been many moments that I am not at all proud of, and I have made a lot of mistakes.

The bottom line though, is that I survived it all. There were nights that I'd come home from school and spend 10 minutes crying in my car before coming in the house. I had a lot of self doubt and insecurity, and a lot of negative feelings towards myself after the breakup with D. I also struggled a bit this semester with my grades. I mean, I passed everything - A's and B's with just a C+ in Algebra II. But I am generally a straight A student so it was really hard for me to accept that between taking more courses, and working 30-35 hours a week; I just didn't have it in me to pull off straight A's this semester. In addition to my doubts about myself as a person in relationships, I started to question myself as an artist (did I really have talent? Can I really persue this field?) and my future both in academia, and in life thereafter. Fortunately, I made a few friends at school and at the gym who really helped me see that it wasn't all my fault and that I didn't need to hate myself just because he wasn't taking the breakup well. And that grades aren't everything, and that as long as I have goals and dreams and determination I will not be a career cashier. But the biggest revelation to me was to not hate myself for what had transpired between me and D. Though it took time for me to really "get it", I do now. And I know in my heart I made the right choice by ending our relationship. Shit happens. But what's important is that you keep on living after it.

Its always really hard for me to let go of relationships and not get down about it. I've lost a lot friends in my life and I haven't had many people that I could trust. Most of the time, the people I have trusted have let me down when I needed them most. So this was a challenge for me. Having to put my foot down and tell him "No, I can't be with you because it hurts me." felt really selfish. But when something is causing you pain, when something drives you to the point where you aren't yourself and you don't feel free - that is when you know you need to make a change. Sounds familiar, eh? Yeah. So life lesson here: Sometimes you need to be selfish in order to take care of yourself. And especially in relationships. There needs to be give AND take from both parties. Not just one person gives, and the other keeps on taking.

That being said - I've been dating a new guy for the past few months. And I really like him. I like that I can be myself around him without worry. Like, we can do absolutely nothing together, but we still won't have a fight or get on each others nerves (very refreshing). I spent NYE with him and some of his extended family. It was really fun. I tend to be a bit shy and reserved when I'm first meeting new people. I like to observe for a bit before I'll be comfortable. But his four year old cousin wouldn't have that. She sat down right next to me and had me playing video games and dolls with her. I was also handed a beer and offered cake upon my mention of being a little shy around new people. I can agree to come out of my shell for that haha.

Also, I've got a "little sister" now. My coworker has custody of her grandkids, and I've been bonding with her 7 year old granddaughter. I went over for her birthday, had spaghetti for dinner and birthday cake. I helped her with her reading home work and she taught me how to play Operation. And I'm teaching her how to draw. She called me on Christmas to tell me about all of her presents. hehehe. Its really cute.

All in all, its been a hell of a year. Especially the past few months. But things are good. And you know, they're always getting better. Something I learned in my drawing class this semester was that you don't learn anything from your best drawing. Its messing up and trying again that teaches you something. And whether you realize it or not - you take what you've learned and you run with it. And that's when you start seeing something great appear.

12/25/10

2010-12-25T09:19:00.002-05:00

Happy Holidays!

Just wanted to stop in and wish everyone well.
I will be writing soon. So much has happened, I don't quite know where to begin. But know that I think about, and check up on all of you, even if I'm not writing often anymore. I have a lot I'd like to share though, once I'm able to sit down and really get to it.

xo
Tori

Thanksgiving.

2010-11-25T10:35:00.005-05:00

This morning, I slept til 10AM, something I rarely ever do. I went out with friends around 9:30 last night, and didn't come home until 3:30 in the morning. I had a bagel with peanut butter for a quick dinner before going out. We all had drinks and there was much craziness. And I had the most fun that I've been able to have in awhile.
Today, I am going to the boy's for Thanksgiving dinner. I've not eaten turkey and mashed 'tatties on Thanksgiving day in nearly a decade. And I am going to enjoy it, because of who I'm with, and because I can.
Tonight, I am working the over night shift. I have to be into work at 11:30PM and will not leave until at least 11:30 AM tomorrow. I stocked up on energy drinks to keep me going, and am going to either bring or buy brekkie at Starbucks.

I admit, even after all my time in recovery - I have often struggled with eating because I never really got regular hunger cues back and never experienced having a desire for something specific. But lately, those sensations are coming back. Lately, I am proud of myself, of my body and who I am as a person. I am going to graduate college with two degrees - an associates in Fine Arts, and a BS in Public Health and Nutrition Sciences. I may not be done til I'm 26 - but I'm fuckin' doing it. I go to the gym, and I feel excited when I can lift heavier than I did the week before. I go to school, and I am able to feel excited and passionate about the art work I'm creating - even when it's a self portrait (something I feared greatly BTW) .

In short, I am thankful for the life that I am able to live. At times, I wonder what could have been had I not relapsed and dropped out of Pratt in 2006, if I had stayed and somehow managed to turn things around - how different could my life be? But its a moot point to think about, because its not the way things are. No use beating myself up over it. This is where my life is at. And you know what? If I hadn't gone through all of this, I wouldn't be here now. I wouldn't be the person I am, I wouldn't be writing this blog, and I wouldn't have met many of the wonderful people that I now consider my friends (from blogging and life alike). I wouldn't have the appreciation for my life, my body and mind that I have now. So in some awkward way, I am grateful for the life I have led thus far, anorexia and all. Because it has led me here, to a place that I am happy with.

10/29

2010-10-29T09:09:00.003-04:00

For those of you who have kept tabs on my formspring, I'm sure you have noticed the sudden onslaught of insults and rude commentary from an anonymous commenter. While the things this person have said to me have not outright hurt me, or in any way had an effect on how I'm doing day to day, their words DO have an impact on me, and how I feel about the blogging community.

When I started this blog, we were a community of strangers that became friends, and supported each other. We comforted AND encouraged one another when we struggled, and we praised and helped each other accept and acknowledge our steps forward. This was not a community that was spiteful or hurtful, and it was not a place that tried to bring down those who were moving on with their lives in a positive way.

Now, I do not know who has been leaving me these comments, and quite frankly, I probably don't want to know. I do not appreciate betrayal of any nature. And in conjunction with my lack of time to post, I am not sure if I can really call myself a part of this community anymore. Not only is blogland different from when I started, I am different too. I see you all eating applesauce and blackbean brownies, kale chips and "blended banana ice cream" and all I want to say is: EAT THE REAL FREAKIN THING. If you want to recover, stop condoning your eating disordered behaviors and habits. Eat real ice cream. Drink real milk, real soda. Stop having diet food products. Eat real yogurt, have a bowl of real pasta with tomato sauce and parmesan instead of some homemade low-calorie bastardization of the real thing. Seriously - and then some of you wonder why you aren't getting better? "OMG I ate a whole head of iceberg lettuce today AND I had a handful of almonds. Why am I still losing weight?" You have no idea how frustrating it is for me, as someone who has been in the same damn place, idling my life away and sitting there, wondering why its not getting better. "Gee, well I ate half my sandwich today and I had about 2/3 of that apple so I'm doing better...." That is exactly what I'd tell myself. But you know what? Those teeny tiny improvements are NOT enough. Not when you are sick with anorexia. You cannot bargain with a devil, you will always lose in the end.
As much as a therapist would hate me for saying this because it encourages black and white thinking, when it comes to recovery, in some senses, it really is all or nothing. You can listen to your ED and make deals with yourself each day - "I'll eat the whole apple, but I have to walk for an extra 15 minutes." or "I'll increase by 100 calories even though I know I need to add at least 500 to start gaining." - OR you can stop and realize that this fuckin' thing is controlling your life, and that yknow what? Its about time you take the power back. Recovery should be done on YOUR terms, because the process is about freeing yourself, and saving your life - not your eating disorder's comfort zone. For years, I remained in this limbo where I could just barely keep my head above water. Sure, I was alive. But I dreaded every day of the life that I lived because it was nothing more than a short list of safe foods, exercise and self loathing, with occasional moments of feeling OK. It wasn't my life still, and it didn't take much for me to go spiraling down. You have to take a chance. One day at a time, one challenge at a time. But you've gotta just do it.
You will never feel ready to do something like this until you're about half way through. Its like jumping into a pool. You can stand at the edge, peering into the water, maybe touch your toes to the surface to see how it feels. But its always cold and startling on that first feel. It doesn't feel comfortable until you've submerged yourself. And once you're in the water, you begin to see its pretty damn fine and you had nothing to worry about.
So as I said, JUST FREAKING DO IT. Be afraid all you want, that's part of defying your ED. But don't let your eating disorder's fears hold you back anymore.

I don't even know why I wrote all of this, because for most you, it won't make a smidgen of difference. But at least I've spoken my piece and now, I bid you farewell.

10/12/10

2010-10-12T16:05:00.004-04:00

In the past few weeks, I have been through a lot. With school, with work, with D and other things. More than I can really even talk about to be honest.
To be honest, I am amazed at my ability to get through this past weekend. I kept going. I went to work, and I still did my best to take care of myself despite what transpired between D and I. He was very upset with me for going out with another boy despite us having broken up about two months ago now. After he calmed down, we had a really long talk about where we stand. And he finally came to the conclusion, on his own, that we need time apart and space from each other. After weeks of constant phone calls and texts, this is a huge relief to me. I don't care if I had to let him think this is his idea, just as long as it actually happens. Its what I've spent weeks asking from him but never got. I am so much more at peace now.

I'm tearing up in my drawing class which is pretty cool. That seems to be going well. I've been working a lot and facing the challenge of taking on two studio classes (12 hours) and two academic courses. I'm doing okay in all of them.

My birthday is this Sunday. I have both Saturday and Sunday night off. My friends are insisting we should party Saturday night. If I'm gonna be honest, I haven't really "celebrated" a birthday in years. I'm a bit nervous, it always seems that everything goes awry for me.
At this time of year, I always think back about where I was and how I was doing around my birthday in years prior.
Today, I looked through my old journal from 2008. I cannot believe how far I have come since that time. Like, I'm actually shocked at the difference in my mentality and how I feel about myself and my life. Two years ago, I was a shell of a person. I had no hope, no faith, and I believed nothing to live for. And while I still have my moments where I question, I never stop trying. I've learned that if I just keep going and don't give up, eventually things will come together. While it may be hard in the moment to keep going strong, all you have to do is hold on. I can't tell you how many times this weekend I felt like giving up. I haven't felt that kind of self-loathing and guilt in a long time. But I realized, am I going to let this boy do this to me? Do I want this person to have this kind of control over me, where I end up starving myself, hating myself just the way I used to? Do I want him to have the same power over me as my ED did? FUCK NO. And that is when I decided to have some pasta and chicken made with homemade sauce and grated parmesan cheese. I didn't measure. Just plopped some into the bowl, and sliced up a chicken breast. It was the most freeing and delicious meal I've eaten in some time, as I rarely get the chance eat my father's cooking. I don't know what he does to that sauce, but its like crack. Thick, almost creamy and rich in flavor. He even added in mushrooms and peppers this time. I actually packed some for dinner at work tonight too. Hehe. I don't care what ANYONE says, I'm an Italian and I will always love pasta.

And now, time to go to work. I have work and school til Friday. And maybe do some trouble making thereafter. ^.^

Changes.

2010-09-11T11:37:00.003-04:00

Its been quite the while, huh? I apologize for disappearing without notice. Since school started, life has been quite hectic. If I am to be honest, even before school - life was getting a bit crazy.

I broke up with the boy two weeks ago. I know, I know. Big shocker to pretty much everyone. We had some really great moments, but the rest of the time, I was ridden with anxiety and guilt from feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, feeling that I was the cause of every fight and that I was literally losing my mind and was deserving of all the hurt I felt. After spending some time with friends, I realized that wasn't the case and that I needed to separate from D in order to get myself back together again. We are still talking, and in time, might get back together. I really loved him a lot, and while most people think I'm naive, I know he loves me too and that if he can overcome his own problems we could have a good relationship. But for now, its on hold. And I am already feeling tons happier with the way things are. I feel a lot freer to do as I please and I don't feel afraid anymore. I suppose that doesn't speak well for how things were between us. I really inhibited myself a lot, and I wasn't initially going to give D a second chance. But he really, really wants to make things better, and since I am who I am - I am going to give it to him when we're both ready.

I also started school two weeks ago. I am taking Acrylic Painting from 1-3:45 and Drawing II from 5-7:45 on Mondays/Wednesdays, Algebra II from 11-12:20 on Tuesdays/Thursdays, and Nutrition 101 online.
Thus far, I am excelling in all my courses. And that brings me to my next topic:

I am thinking about changing my major. To become an RD. I know, it sounds rather stereotypical of a recovered AN. But lets look at this realistically: Becoming an RD would enable me to have a steady paycheck, and I would be able to help other people recovering from ED's. I'm really enjoying learning about it, and I've discovered math really isn't so hard (I'm getting A's! WOO!) And after all I've been through, I believe that is something I am meant to do. I want to keep arts as a minor/or dual-major in both. Because I still kind of want to keep the art option open and because apparently I'm a masochist and like having a crap ton of work to do. But hey! I'm already 2 years behind the rest of my class, what's another four, right? ^.^

I'm not sure what did it or when, but in the past few weeks I have felt more and more like myself. I am more confident and comfortable with who I am than I have been in years and I feel awesome. I'm not afraid to talk to the cute guys in the gym that used to make me nervous, and I can wear my crazy expensive "first pay check" jeans with a white t-shirt and feel damn sexy (that's what I'm wearing right now BTW) AND I am having fun. Finally grew a social life outside of D, and have been going to parties or out with friends a few nights a week - I've eaten cookies and drank beers and slept til noon. And all of it feels glorious.

Hey hey its a Giveaway!

2010-08-17T12:41:00.004-04:00

So, as many of you may or may not know, my beautiful friend Coco over at Hot Coco(a) is doing an awesome give away via CSN stores. One lucky entrant will receive a $40 gift card to one of their 200+ stores across the country. If you haven't heard of CSN - its the kind of place where you can buy anything you want, from clothes and shoes to furniture and other accessories. So, all you have to do in order for a chance to win is go to her blog and comment here
Since Coco is my girl, I think ALL of you who read this should totally hit this up ^.^

Nowww back to a usual Tuesday afternoon folks. I'm getting ready for work after a nice sesh at the gym (I can totally see biceps forming. I'm so excited!)
And a funny story: This guy who came into my work on Saturday night recognized me from the gym. I hadn't really seen him before until then but hey - he knew me so I talked with him. I was doing re-stock so I stopped to help him find and pick out a trash can upon request. Cute huh? Then, today I actually did see him. Apparently we were both running a bit late this morning. Anyways, I waved and such. Went to go to do my 15 minutes of running before leaving. And he appeared on the treadmill next to me. Bwuh? So I spent the whole time talking to him. After I finished, he looks at me and says "Are we done now?" I said yes. Then he goes "Good. I don't usually do this...I just wanted to talk to you."
AWW. lol I've never seen anyone go through that much trouble to talk to me. I'll admit I was suspicious of his motives when I was nearly doubling his pace. But it was really cute. And just another reminder that happy and healthy is totally more attractive than anything else.

I really think I need to make myself a name tag for work that says "Not Interested" instead of "Victoria" though. >.>

Happy Tuesday! And don't forget to enter to win!

8/9/10.

2010-08-09T10:04:00.002-04:00

It makes me really happy that today is 8/9/10.

Just had to say that.

Anyways. I have the day off work today, and on Wednesday I'm going to Six Flags with the boy and a few of his friends. Should be a good time, assuming everything goes smoothly.
To be honest, I don't know what's wrong lately. Everyone keeps asking me why I look sad or upset. Even at the gym, my buddy (a 40 yr old man LOL) Omar was asking me what's wrong. I guess I'm the type who wears a heart on their sleeve. I can't hide the fact that I'm stressing and I'm not sure I'm happy anymore. I know what the problem is, but I can't seem to figure out how to fix it. I've got so many emotions to sift through. Me and the boy seem to want different things. He talks about moving in together, having kids, etc. And I don't want any of that, not right now. I don't know if its possible to have a relationship when our wants are so different. I love him very much and I care about him, but I just....I can't wrap my mind around any of that right now and it scares me. I feel like I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's something wrong with me or if I don't love him enough or what, but that's how it feels. I don't really have anyone outside of my mom to talk to about these things - and she doesn't help. She just keeps telling me we need to break up. The thought of letting him go is really frightening though.
*sigh*
Sorry for the ramblings, I'm sure its nothing anyone here wants to hear about.
On a happier note - we got free ice cream at work the other night. They had a bunch of flavors - none of which had ANY nutritional info on them whatsoever. My choice of flavors: Cappuccino and White Russian. Serving size: One styrofoam cup. LOL. It was delicious. And I felt really proud of myself for having some.
I've also halved the amount of running I do in the past few weeks. And yknow what? It hasn't made an inch of difference in terms of my capacity to gain weight - much to my surprise. I know I haven't talked about this recently but because of the above stress in my life - I have been having more anxiety around my weight/body and food (which is why mumzy keeps saying we should part ways). Sooo all of this is really big for me right now. I'm trying to get back to where I was mentally and emotionally. Hopefully with the return of school, I'll start feeling better. But for now, all I can do is try to hold on and sort things out as best I can.

BTW. Any and all advice in terms of relationship problems would be really helpful and greatly appreciated. I can't seem to shake the feeling of not knowing what I want or what I should do, and I don't know what to do with myself. :\

Songs and things.

2010-07-24T11:36:00.006-04:00

I have been struggling lately.
Not in terms of my actual eating disorder, but in terms of how I think and feel so negatively about myself all the time. I think I'm stuck in a place where I don't want to be because I am always so critical and harsh towards myself. I just can't seem to break the cycle at times. The boy has been saying this for several months. For awhile I was getting better, but lately I just feel so stuck. I keep (accidentally!) starting fights between us because I often just turn things into reasons why I suck so much. I know its just that its my comfort zone - to have low self esteem and not think much of myself. But I have to change.

I broke down last night at work. After having an already bad start to the day, I went into work only to get several customers that were being rude and disrespectful to me. Around 8:30, a group of 3 girls came through my line. They spent the entire transaction harassing me and cursing at me. After one of them told me to go fuck myself (for saying, "have a good night "BTW) - I felt like something in me broke. My throat tightened up, my eyes started water. All I could think to myself was, "I cannot live this way anymore. I cannot keep doing this." I tried to keep my composure as I finished checking out the rest of my line. I turned off my light. A girl from the service desk came over to see what was wrong. She yelled at me for not calling her or another member of management. Sorry - I'm not gonna stand there with these awful girls bitching at me while I wait for some higher-up to come diffuse the situation. In my humble opinion - it was far better to just check em out as quickly as possible and be done with it.

I left early. I did not ask for permission. I just simply said, "I stayed for an extra half hour last night. I've been feeling sick since I got here and now I just need to go home."

For the first time in many months, I did something that was purely for myself. And it felt good. I need to do that more often. I wouldn't be surprised if my lack of assertiveness and taking charge for myself lately has been why I am so unhappy. It also occured to me that part of why I hate my job is that I let the way people treat me get to me far too much. So what if someone talks to me like I'm stupid? I know I'm not. I'm probably smarter than the majority of them - so do I really care what they think? Hey. If they need to treat a little ol' cashier at Walmart like crap so they can feel better about themselves - its really them I should be pitying.So, from now on, I am not going to let myself be taken advantage of anymore. I'm not going to let little snide remarks or stupid comments upset me. I don't need to care about what 90% of the people I encounter every day think. And while I've always been one to bend over backwards in order to make other people happy. I cannot be that way anymore if I really want to get better. I've gotta start taking mine.
I will give my all to myself and to living a better life.

Insurance.

2010-07-16T15:24:00.006-04:00

I have a little story for you girls.
Most of the bloggers I know are under the age 26, and live with parents/they themselves have jobs or other situations that provide them with insurance.
But what happens when that situation changes? What happens, when say your father retires and your mother loses her job? And you only work part-time so you aren't eligible for any sort of insurance plan?
Well then my dears, one is left to their own devices.
As an eating disordered person, even after a full YEAR of being recovered - this is still very difficult to do.
After spending an hour on the phone, recounting past health issues and places you've been due to your eating disorder, you will then be asked to wait 7-10 business days while the process your request.

You wait. You wonder. You think about how stupid you were when you were younger - to never realize how hard life after anorexia would be. Its funny. The past that you tried to escape will never leave you, both in your mind and in the paper trail that is the world we know. You can't just move on. You have to be honest in a situation like this, even though you know everything would be so much easier if you did. So you're honest. About everything. From your current height and weight, to the lowest and all years before.
You sit and you wait and you wonder if you had fibbed, even just a little - would it have made a difference?
You get the envelope. Its thin. You say to your mom "I didn't accepted." She looks at you, and says "But you haven't even opened it yet." "Its thin. With colleges, that means you didn't get in."

Still, you tear the letter open and read the standard font.
DEAR MS VICTORIA--
You have been denied insurance coverage for the following reasons:
You have been diagnosed with minor Osteoporosis and are Taking an OTC Calcium Supplement
You have been diagnosed with Anorexia nervosa and were hospitalized in 3/05(not even the right month BTW), 2/08 and 4/08 (I was DISCHARGED in 4/08)
and you currently see a therapist once monthly.
Your height and weight shows you have a BMI of 17 (17.5 to be correct) and that is mildly underweight.

This is another reason why full recovery is so important, and why it is 100X better to get it done with as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the longer the trail and the more red flags to raise when you go out into the real world, and try to take care of yourself. Even after two years since I began my recovery, I'm still seen as an unstable individual by the standards, even after I did it all by myself. I still tried and failed several times before hand. And in certain circles, that's all that they can see.

What really grates me (and I don't care if I get flak for this) are the followng things:
I am being penalized for preventive measures.
I am being penalized for a fucking vitamin that I pay for myself.
I am being penalized for something beyond my control. The fact that had I been that .5 of a point OVER what was considered healthy, they wouldn't have denied me if I had said that I had spent 2 years dieting to LOSE weight. They'd have commended me on my progress and seen it as a sign of good faith, even if I was still a bit over a healthy weight. But because I'm just that tiny bit under, even with the amount of food I eat each day, and how much progress I've made, I'm considered "not yet recovered" because of one flipping half a point.

I'm going to go eat a muffin and think about how I'm going to fix this.

2010-07-13T08:57:00.003-04:00

Well, now don't I feel silly for being so dramatic?
You bet I do.

I'm sort of relieved (albeit also kind of sad) to hear that I'm not the only person who feels kind of alone and isolated at times. Obviously, I'm not so stupid as to think I'm the only one. But seeing it printed in front of me that so many of you guys feel that way too made me think. And I think its partly because of having an ED. And, at least for me, its because I don't often like letting people see me with my guard down. Especially knowing that I've been dubbed a kind of role model - I tend to make myself believe that means I can't have bad days and I can't let anyone know if I'm sad or having a hard time with things. And that's really not true. Part of being a strong person is being able to admit when you need help. My stubborn self still needs to work on accepting that last one.
I also really feel bad about painting the boy in such a negative light. He might not always think before he does things (which, yes, makes him seem like a jerk) but he really does love me and he is always telling me he thinks I'm beautiful. He just doesn't understand ED's. Send me a picture of a half naked girl with tattoos and no words - I'm kind of confused and I find it a bit offputting. He thinks after a year, I should know better than to assume he meant something negative by it. I think after a year, he should know better than to assume I will know what he means by things of that nature (we had a huge argument over his suggestion that I dye my hair.) And then I was told that after a year, he'd hoped I'd have made more progress. I think that comment probably hurt more than anything, because I personally think that is true. And the idea that I'm not moving further along with my life and that I won't ever get any better is something that I've been really fearful of. So him saying that to me kind of sent me over the edge in terms of sadness I can deal with and sadness I cannot deal with. And then yesterday's drama queen post was born.
But, we did patch things up for the most part. And today is a new day, so I will do my best to make the most of it.

I cannot say thank you enough for all the support you loves offer me. I apologize for isolating myself and not really being there as much anymore. I know its a huge reason why I feel alone all the time, and its definitely something I need to start challenging myself with more - not hiding from anyone anymore.

Anyways. Happy Tuesday all.

Just one bit.

2010-07-12T16:38:00.002-04:00

If I am to be truly honest - it is not entirely the accusations and such that drove me away from my blog. Nor is it the fact that I am a pretty busy girl.

In truth, a large part of it is because I feel so alone. I don't have real friends. I have my guys, but its not the same as female friends. When I sit in my room and cry because of stupid things Dan says or does, I have no one to talk to. Like right now. I'm sitting here crying because he's just shown me pictures of a girl who he thinks is sexy and wouldn't it be great if I looked like that too? And I have not one single person I can talk to. I'm not in the clique of bloggers that call, text, care about each other. I'm on the outside, looking in - even here. And it makes me feel 100 times more alone than I ever thought it could.

And now, I'm going to go back to my hole in the wall and continue to cry because that's how I roll sometimes.

Monday.

2010-06-28T07:15:00.002-04:00

It really breaks my heart to be writing this, but I think it might be time for me to go. I love you guys dearly, but I'm not sure I really fit in blog-land anymore. It seems to me that I'm not really all that wanted anymore. When the encouragement and support I attempt to share gets pretty much shot down and ignored, it hurts and I don't even want to bother anymore. I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but its the truth. I'm an honest person, and the reason I am so blunt about things is because sugarcoating it doesn't work. Glossing over anorexia's sneaky holds only permits its presence. You can't just recover in one area - it has to be the whole person, through and through - otherwise you are just placating the illness, be it in terms of what you weigh or what you allow yourself to eat. I'm tired of being attacked for my lack of weight gain in the past year. I'd like to see ANY of you who have shit to say about how I'm still too thin consume the amount of calories I eat every day and then tell me how it feels to have to do it every day, week after week and still see no weight gain. Hell, I'd like to see you go out for a meal with your boyfriend and clear off more food than he does. Go out to IHOP for dinner and polish off a plate of blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs, or take a road trip to Boston and eat a ham and cheese sandwich and a package of Pop Tarts from 7-11 for dinner. If you want to judge me, put on my shoes first. Then you can sling your mud and tell me how easy it is and how I "must not be trying hard enough".

I'm not sure if I will be posting again or not. But for now, I'm pretty upset and I think I need a hiatus from this world. If anyone actually wants to remain in touch, my email addresss is cloudyskies3443@yahoo.com

Two Years

2010-06-15T17:55:00.009-04:00

Two years and 12 days ago, I got up on a "chilly" June morning, stripped down and stepped on the scale. And for the first time, I was shocked and horrified by the number that wavered before my eyes. So much so that I had to weigh myself another three times to believe it was real. It was on that morning, probably purely from the shock of it, that I saw myself for what I had really become in just two months after a nine-week inpatient stay.

It was on that morning that I realized I was going to die from anorexia sooner than later. I was given the ultimatum - recover, or be put up in a motel room and wait to die.
It took weeks for me to even eat enough to keep a stable weight and process food properly. The first month of my homebound adventure in recovery - I shifted up and down between a three pound gain/loss. I get lots of questions about how I knew what to do or how I ever allowed myself to recover. And to this day, I have no definitive answers. The only thing I could do was to stop thinking about it so much and just eat. And every week, eat more. I stayed on bed rest at home - read numerous books, completed large 1000+ piece puzzles and indulged in Golden Girls reruns. I sat in the sun and drew the flower garden while drinking milkshakes. But still, I didn't start gaining weight til sometime in July and I had gotten up to and over 2500 calories a day. Then my mom returned to work. Being home alone all day was too much for me to bear and I had started taking walks and skipping my morning snack - cutting my calories down to around 2000. After a week or so, I managed to increase back up enough to prevent weight loss, but I was scared of being alone with myself and my eating disorder every day, and I feared continuing to gain weight, alone. I did what I thought was my best for several weeks. I was only XX pounds when I turned 20 years old in October. By November, I had developed stress fractures in my feet just from taking walks to the park and around the neighborhood. During the Thanksgiving Break, I set myself on bed rest again and healed up. With the support of my mom, we increased my calories every day from the end of November through the beginning of December. I had finally gotten up to 2800 calories a day. By the beginning of March, I was consuming 3600 calories a day and had only just gotten up to XX lbs. It took another 11 weeks for me to gain up to a minimal BMI of 16.5. And from that day in April, it has taken me another year solid to gain 8 pounds.

Has it been a long, treacherous road? Yes. Have I had my setbacks? For sure. But in the past two years I have done things I was told I would never do. I turned 21 and am at a mostly-healthy weight (and still aiming on up!). I have eaten pizza and chocolate because I enjoy it. Just the other night, I had Wendy's for dinner after work, sat around a fire and roasted marshmallows with some new friends. And you know what? I had NO FREAKIN IDEA how many calories were in the chicken sandwich I had. I was not aware of, and still do not know, what a serving size of marshmallows is. And I really don't care. And when I came home at 3AM I ate a granola bar because I was hungry. Today, I went shopping with my mom, tried on a dress and LOVED how it showed off my still-blossoming curves, had lunch at Panera Bread and got coffee ice cream for an afternoon snack.

Ever since I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, I have been told that I would never be free from its clutches. I've always been told that my brand of AN was too severe to be treated, that I was too stubborn and too intelligent for any program to be successful. And you know what? They were right. I was stubborn, intelligent and crafty like no other. How many people do you know that can hide an 8oz cup of milk without being noticed? I hated being in treatment. I hated being treated "special" because I was anorexic - like that somehow was the root cause of all my issues and that all of my problems were the trigger for the AN. How does that even work? I don't know. But I could not recover the way they wanted me to. I just can't stand being told what to do (lolz I know!) and even worse - I hate being told that I CAN'T do something. In my head, every time I was told "The next round of this will kill you" - I took it as a challenge instead of a warning. So every year, the weight went lower and lower. I had to make the realization myself for it to become real. I had to do it all by myself to make recovery real. Not everyone is like me though. Some people truly do flourish in an IP environment and find it very comforting and helpful. I found it to be stifling and pressure filled. I did what I had to do for me, for the first time two years ago. It was hard to actually admit that I needed to do something for myself. For me, admitting a need or want or desire is still the hardest thing. But I AM overcoming it, day by day.
So, I guess what I really just wanted to say is - Never let ANYONE tell you something is impossible, or can't be done, or that you are not capable. As long as you stop trying and start doing - you can achieve anything.

Tuesday.

2010-06-08T07:13:00.011-04:00

Morning dears.
I have some bad news. My mom lost her job. My father is unemployed as well. So. Now I am the only person in the house with a job. To be honest, even though my dad is going to be getting his retirement soon, I feel scared. I'm not sure what this means for my future. But I'm going to have to bust my ass in school to keep my 4.0 GPA and start looking for scholarships.

On the bright side, I have that lovely boy of mine who helps me take my mind off of all that. Speaking of him, I kind of stole a picture of us from his facebook album. And since we're just so darned cute, I figured I'd share since so many of you ask about the mysterious guy I'm always talking about.

Its not the greatest pictures of me (After-work me is none so photogenic) But isn't he adorable? This is us, at the aquarium on Friday. <3

Today's another day off work (yippee) so I have no idea what to do with myself. But since I have the whole day - I think I may perform a few cooking experiments. If I come up with anything note-worthy, I'll post it up later. Otherwise, I just wanted to let you guys know what was up.

xo

Friday.

2010-06-04T06:52:00.002-04:00

Hello lovelies! Its been awhile, yes?

Not much has changed, just my usual work-play dynamics goin on. I've been seeing more of my friends lately which has been great. Hung around with some of my boys the other night, watched movies and had some beers - always good times. The other night was Dan's birthday. I gave him one of my drawings and a few other goods. His mom saw the drawing I gave him and she was floored. I guess he'd not told her I was an art major. It was a good night for the most part, I ate my first slice of birthday cake since I was 16. And it was SO good - like a real treat. And not one peep from my ED either.

In other news...
I am still not at a healthy weight yet. And to be honest - the last time I weighed myself (2ish weeks ago) I had lost a bit. I haven't weighed myself since then, but I've decided I needed to increase my calories up further so I can just get it done and over with. I've been hesitant to go that route because A. I'm a busy girl and I hate having to spend my days worrying about eating XXXX calories, and B. I'm still getting horrible stomach aches mid-day almost every day and I don't know why. I can't let those two things get in the way of my recovery though. I'm doing my best to find ways around it. I've been splitting the majority of my calories between breakfast/mid morning snack and dinner/before bed-snack. And just snacking/having a lighter lunch between the hours of 11AM and 4PM. It seems to be working out OK in terms of calories and it is helping to keep the tummy aches at bay.

I made an awesome discovery the other night too. I don't have pictures, cuz I wasn't sure how it'd turn out. But it was delicious. See, I've been having regular yogurts lately because the Greek stuff is really expensive, and sometimes it upset my stomach (too rich perhaps? Idk?) So here is my solution for getting a high-protein, thick and luscious yogurt:

Take one regular yogurt, any flavor (I used Yoplait Cherry) and 1 scoop vanilla whey protein powder. Stir vigorously for about a minute. It will still look like the protein powder hasn't absorbed fully, but leave it that way. Let it sit in the fridge for a few minutes (gives you time to gather your toppings of choice anyways).
After letting it set up - it should be thick, almost mousse-like, and since regular yogurt is more liquidy - the protein powder will melt in on its own. Add toppings (I used granola, walnuts, chocolate chips and peanut butter. What can I say? Girl is craaazay and if I'm gonna make a 500 calorie snack - it better be damn tasty)
Consume and enjoy.
The best part about this snack: Easy way to up the protein and yumminess of a regular yogurt, and when Yoplait yogurts go for fifty cent a piece, and you can buy protein powder for 9$ per pound - you don't have to spend nearly as much money for the same tasty protein filled snack. And its sooo good! I had the above version as a dessert, but for a regular ole' snack, I'd probably use regular plain yogurt and skip the chocolate.

Nowww I'm off to get ready to go to the aquarium with the boy and jet off to work thereafter.
Happy Friday!

Discussions.

2010-05-11T10:59:00.006-04:00

This week, I will have finished off my first year of school in nearly 6 years without relapse or removal. This feels like a huge accomplishment, for real. I got exempted from my final exam for Sociology for being an awesome student all semester. So my last day of class is tomorrow, final critiques in Drawing. BTW I presented my final for drawing yesterday actually. And I did some awesome work, if I may say so myself. Here's a sneak peak of two of my five drawings:

In case you can't tell, I did a series of drawing from the hidden playground by my house.

This week, I also have faced up to many of my own imperfections. And I am not punishing myself for them. Me and the boy have had a few arguments. Mainly due to my ED and the remnants of ED's voice that are still in my head. I am very critical of myself and I have a hard time not taking some of his "jokes" offensively. I was wearing sweats the other day, and he told me I looked lazy. I got upset and pretty much curled up into a ball and didn't make eye contact with him for a good half an hour.

One good thing did come from the conversation. I've been really stressed at the prospect of having to buy new jeans. I have ONE pair right now, because my other two were ripped and old and no longer looked "right" when I put them on - if that makes sense? For whatever reason, probably from being worn so much, they no longer fit right and looked frumpy on me. So I gave them to Goodwill. But I had an immense fear that when I eventually got around to buying a new pair of jeans or two - I'd have to go up a size since I have put on a few more pounds in the past 6 months or so. Boy said to me - "That is a GOOD thing. It means you're recovering for real this time. You are 5'8", you shouldn't be wearing size 0, or even one size up from that. Wearing a 2 at your height is still crazy small. Its really not that big of a deal. No girl should wear a size 0 unless she's 15 and 5' tall."
This really struck me. My ED had me convinced for years that 0 was the only size I could wear. I don't know why. It was just an obsession with that number that indicated I didn't take up space. So I am now determined to buy the next size up, and gain until those fit properly.

In other news, I have found out that I LOVE bagels. I've not had one since being inpatient. But I bought a package of whole wheat bagels on a whim - they're 260 calories per bagel, and were $2.50 for a pack of 6 at my work. That's like, 40 cents a bagel! Heck yeah. And they are delish. My favorite combination thus far has been toasting a bagel, spreading it with copious amounts of peanut butter, sprinkling it with cinnamon, then drizzling it in honey. And then popping it back in the microwave for a few seconds of course.
I still can't eat dairy without feeling all bloaty and gassy and uncomfortable for hours, or even into the next day. So I don't really know what's going on there. What I do know is I have a stash of Greek yogurt in the fridge that I keep trying to polish off but whenever I have one, it has serious repercussions. Sigh. It makes me sad. I can have one about once a week without harm, but if I try to eat dairy more often than that, I feel awful. Hopefully I can coax my mother to try one or two....^.^

Today, my mom and I are going SHOPPING because I have my one final for Color Theory til 3PM, when she gets out of work. And since boy made plans with his friends, I'm gonna be rockin the mall with my momma. Should be fun, hopefully. Its rainy and ucky out. And since my hair is cuuuhrazzy now because I still haven't cut it so it's big, fluffy and all over the place, I have it pulled back into a half-pony tail.

Why hello 15 year old me! Aren't you cute? Must be since a customer actually made it a point to come back into the store after checking out last night to give me his number and request I call him sometime. LOL. I am kind of beginning to understand why Dan gets kind of jealous and over protective at times...

Well. I'm off to seize the day. Hope everyone is enjoying their Wednesday!

Stress much?

2010-05-01T07:39:00.004-04:00

So. Two of my pieces made the cut for the art show. Apparently they wanted to make it fair by having a general rule of not allowing more than 2 per person. So hey.. Happy happy.

Maybe not.

To be honest, I am struggling with a lot of things lately. I feel like I have so much to do, so many people to please and no time to do it all. I have an awful schedule for work (as I've said before) plus I have demanding art classes, both my final projects are to require 15 hours of work. Plus, I have Dan who, I love him, but he can be a bit needy. I make time to see him 3-4 times a week to keep him happy. PLUS I have my friends that always want to see me too and I feel guilty when I can't make it because I'm too tired to go out at 10PM after work, or because its a night that I promised to Dan. AND then I also have my parents. We won't even go there. I love them too, but they are very critical and demanding of me and always trying to control me and what I do. AND then I also have my own internal pressures to quit smoking, quit watching my calorie intake and stop feeling so damn bad about myself for not being able to make everyone happy all the time. All this stress has had tremendous affects on my body. I can't eat dairy anymore. I get violent stomach pains and have been relying on 500 calorie shakes every day to get my calories in. I lost a bit of weight last week. I can't tell if I've increased my calories up enough to know if I've stopped the loss because guess what? The amount of stress I'm under has been enough to cause my period to come early even though I take BC. And that makes my weight fluctuate up anywhere from 1/2 - 2lbs. So GREAT. Even if my weight was up a pound from last week, I don't know if its a real pound or just due to my period. Best bet is probably to assume I'm just maintaining. Which means I've got 2 lbs to go to get back to a 17.5 BMI. And then however many more thereafter, I don't even know anymore. Also another stress. I have NO FUCKING IDEA what I am supposed to weigh or what a good weight for me is. And I'm really getting to the point where I do not care anymore. I don't want to think about numbers, BMI's or calories. I want my clothes to fit. I want to feel OK with my body most days, and I want to eat without worrying about if its too little or too many calories. But I can't do any of that right now because I'm so freakin afraid that I can't trust myself. Especially after losing despite eating my usual plenty and now maintaining on 300 more calories than I was before.

In short. I need a vacation. Badly. I can never half-ass anything. So all of these things are getting my undivided attention and all of my energy. I haven't been posting much, obviously. And its because I'm literally never home. I don't even watch TV anymore. Or read. Or make jewelry. Or bake. Really, I don't get to do many of the things I used to enjoy because there just aren't enough hours in the day and the occasional spare hours I have are usually spent napping.

I feel like I have nothing left for myself. And this feeling will only lead me to bad places, of that I am sure. I don't know how to slow down though. Maybe my constant activity is a form of escapism. But I think its mostly me, killing myself in attempt to make up for all the time I lost. And I already know - it is this same behavior, same attitude that lead me to my downfall in the past. How I'll fix it? I don't know. The semester ends in about two weeks. I'm not taking any summer courses. Hopefully that will be enough of a break to help me recharge and feel OK again.

Art Show.

2010-04-26T10:10:00.004-04:00

Today, I am submitting three of my pieces to the student art show. I'm SOOO nervous. I'll find out on the 28th if what, if any, of my work has been accepted.

Lightening Storm - Acrylic on canvas.

Eleanor - charcoal

A Boy's Face - charcoal

lets all cross our fingers and hope I get at least one of these pieces accepted.

Agenda.

2010-04-17T08:48:00.005-04:00

Things to do in the next two weeks:

Tonight: work 3:30 PM til midnight. attempt to work on sociology final paper.
Sunday: work 9AM to 5PM. Hang out with the boy after work.
Monday: Strength training at the gym (I'm building mad muscle!). Work more on paper. Go to class 1-7PM. Best bud's 21st birthday party.
Tuesday: Continue working on paper. Go to class 1-4PM. Work 4:30-10PM.
Wednesday: repeat monday, but sans party and see the boy instead.
Thursday: Repeat Tuesday.
Friday: Go to the gym. Either finish off the sosh paper, or start my final project for drawing. Work 3:30-? Either nine or later.
Saturday: Do whatever it was that I didn't do on friday. Its a day off, so see the boy for sure and we may be gettin tattoos. LOL.
Sunday: work 11-4:30. Do final editing of the sosh paper and figure out what the heck I'm doing for presentation on Wednesday.
Monday: Strength training. Class. Meeting with group to further determine how to accomplish a smooth presentation and get our $$@%# together.
Tuesday: More drawing. Go to class. Work 4:30-10PM.
Wednesday: Strength-training. School. Do the group presentation and hand in my paper. Cross yo fingers for me! Probably see boy that night.
Thursday: School 1-4PM. Party with some of the friends I've made at school. I don't know where it is yet - either the hookah bar or somewhere else but I'm 99% sure I will have to google myself directions to print out .
Friday: Gym again. Further work on my drawing project. Work 4:30-10PM.

Busy much, eh? I also have to wedge in a therapy appointment and a haircut.
Doesn't mean I don't have time eat plenty though ;) And new things too!

I give you! My newest favorite grocery find: Nature's pride Whole Wheat bread. I used to be sworn to Ezekial bread, but the ever increasing price of it was just not for me. Plus, being truthful, I think it was an ED thing - I mainly ate that bread because it had a low sodium count and I was obsessed with that for some time. I have to be honest, and all you Ezekial fans will hate me, but this bread is 100X better. Soft, dense and chewy. Its lovely.
Thus my awesome snack this morning:

Slice o' bread with PB, 5-6 slices of smooshed banana, and cinnamon. Unpictured: rest of the banana and a glass of milk. I invented another version of this that I forgot to take a picture of. But seriously - you all must try a slice (or two...) of bread topped with smashed banana, a few TBS of crushed walnuts and a liberal pinch of cinnamon. Its like instant-banana bread.

And now! I have to go shopping for bras. That's probably an over-share. But I'm kind of excited. So yep. Happy Saturday everyone!

So.

2010-04-09T17:12:00.002-04:00

I know I promised a lot of new updates and things in my last post, but there is something more important that I need to talk about today.

It has been a SOLID YEAR since I met my first GW. As of this month, I have maintained a weight over 100lbs for an extended period for the first time since I was 14. This the the longest I have been at a reasonably healthy weight for my height in seven years. I've managed to get my weight up a bit since last April, as I've mentioned shooting for numerous times. But I'm going by the overall. I defied my fear of ever weighing more than that 100. I've maintained that weight and then some and I have been happier ever since, living and loving my life more and more.

This is real. I can't quite believe it. But here I am. One year solid being pretty much weight restored.
I used to think something awful would happen if I weighed more, ate more, than my eating disorder told me was okay. Even after I hit that initial goal of mine - I still wasn't free. I couldn't eat more than XXXX calories and couldn't eat this or that. All of those things are gone now. I don't feel shame about my body - I love the way I look about 90% of the time. My body is still changing (read: I am growing boobs! woo!) but I'm okay with that. I'm still changing inside too. I'm learning to accept and give into my wants and needs, and I'm learning to stop trying to control everything in my life. Shit happens. The apple I ate today was bigger than the one I had yesterday. Two years ago - that would have terrified me. Today - I don't really care. I looked through my journal from when I was in IP in 2008. And I cannot believe that person was me. I won't show you the pictures. but lets just say, I keep them on my ipod. And whenever I get stressed about anything and start to question myself - I look at what, who I used to be and realize that as hard as it was, and as hard as it still is at times, nothing could ever have been more worth it than choosing myself, my life, over anorexia.

I never thought I could get this far, and hold onto it for so long. I tried anyways, because in all honestly, I had nothing left to lose. And eventually, I saw it could be real and I could become more than anorexic, that I could live a life outside of it. And I have been living a life that finally has become mine.

Just because something seems improbable doesn't mean that you don't have the means to make it possible.

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T22:04:00.003-04:00

Hey hey hey! I hope everyone had a great holiday this weekend. This post is just a quickie before I pass out. But I wanted to make sure no one thought I had disappeared, and I wanted let you all in on a few things that have brightened my weekend! Just because.

~ Fun trip to the grocery store. I picked up some goods that I will be posting about later on this week. Woo! Also. I have a story about my trip there today. Long story short: I have not shopped at the grocery store in my home town in almost a year. I started going to the one in the next town over because it's right next to my job and that's convenient. Today, I went to the grocery store, with my mom, in my home town. People who work in that store STILL recognize me, and remember what I looked like 2 years ago. And I got several of the people there telling me how great I looked, how much happier I seemed and how glad they were to see I was really finally going to be okay.

~Spent a day with Dan. I haven't said much about the boy lately, I know. But I really mean it when I say I love that boy. I've never dated anyone this long before. And I still get excited whenever I think about him or get to see him. He doesn't just make me happy though - he argues with me when I'm being irrational and he refuses to ever let my (albeit now occasional) eating disordered or otherwise self-negative thoughts win. And as much as I sometimes wish he'd just let it go, I am really glad that he challenges me so much and even moreso - challenges me to challenge myself.

~ Here's a big one: I'm getting a new-used-car. My current vehicle is as old as I am and very much showing its wear and tear. Like, I have a hole in one of my passenger doors. And a cracked headlight. And the hood of my car has an over bite. It also doesn't have air bags or proper seat belts. So yes. NEW CAR! My parents offered to help me pay for it now, as long as I pay them back eventually. I'm very excited. I'll post up before/after pics once the new whip is in my possession.

Love you guys!

Latest Obsession.

2010-03-28T09:00:00.006-04:00

Lately, I have been obsessed with having shakes every morning or afternoon. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because it feels summery, or because it makes it so easy to get an extra couple hundred calories in, or maybe, just maybe its purely because they are totally delish? I don't like to brag, but I make a mean fruit shake. And I just recently started experimenting with something that's been popular here in the blogosphere for awhile: Green Monsters.

Here's three of my favorites thus far:

This one features: 1 c. soymilk, 1/5th tofu, 1c. frozen strawberries, 1/2c. frozen blueberries, some agave, and a TBS of White Chocolate PB.

This one looks pretty similar, I know. But this one is: 1/2 cup coconut milk, 1 container plain Greek yogurt, 1/2 c. each blueberries/strawberries, 1 c. baby spinach and some strawberry syrup. ^.^ I had this with a slice of toast topped with PB as an after-run snack. It was lovely.

This shake is the one I had before work yesterday. It was BOMB. I used 1 cup soymilk, 1 cup blueberries, 1/2 c. strawberries, 1c. spinach, 1TBS cocoa powder, 1/2TBS agave nectar and a tablespoon of creamy peanut butter. Definitely having this shake again. It was probably one of my favorites thus far. It kept me full from 8:30 to noon when I got my first break at work, and it was easy to consume after my oatmeal breakfast. I really want to get some peaches so I can make a peach and honey milkshake with my vanilla ice cream.

And now, I'm back to grind.

Anyone else go in phases with food? I've noticed I do that a lot, and its often kind of season-related too.

happy.

2010-03-21T11:57:00.003-04:00

This is truth.
And its exactly how I got myself this far, this long.
Just figured I'd share. I hope it strikes a chord with you guys, like it did for me. I was surprised to find an image that said exactly what I had been telling myself all these months. But here it is.

Let this be the start of a good week. A week where every day is lived as your own, and for building your own way back to the life we all deserve.

OOPS!

2010-03-15T07:04:00.003-04:00

So guys, I totally missed my own blog-iversary. In my defence - I worked a nine hour shift on Saturday and therefore was unable to post up properly. So I'm having my own belated-blog-iversary today.

One year (and two days) ago today, I started my blog. Little did I know that this blog would become such a huge part of my recovery. I started my blog as a way to become part of this community that I had seen forming - a community of people, eating disordered or not, that supported and helped each other, inspired each other to try new things and to overcome whatever issues they had. I never expected to have such a following that I have now, or that I would have so many readers who found me, of all people, to be inspiring. To be honest, it is YOU, my friends, who have always inspired me to stay strong and to keep going no matter what was going on with me inside.

Before I started blogging, I felt alone and like I had no one who understood what I was going through. There I was, at home, by myself day in and day out. Blogging gave me an out, a way to communicate with people that I didn't really have before. And it wasn't just people, but people who supported and encouraged me, people who gave me the strength to always believe in myself. You guys have no idea how many times I read, and re-read, comments from you. Whenever I'm doubting myself or not feeling so great, all I have to do is look back through my posts and see what you've written and it instantly lifts my spirits and makes me feel strong again. You've all helped me keep myself in check and you've all inspired me to be strongest person I can be.

I am truly glad and very grateful to be part of this ever-growing community. I feel a bit silly saying this, but I <3 my blog. And I adore and appreciate every single person that reads it.

(Celebratory breakfast: Fage 2%, dried figs, almonds, honey. Also had a muffin with PB and coffee...but yknow the almonds and honey was most important ^.^)

ZOMG.

2010-03-10T09:39:00.009-05:00

I am in awe by the the feedback I got on my last post. I am so glad that so many of you found it helpful and inspiring. I truly mean every word I say, and I am as honest and upfront as I can be about everything. I was a *teensy* bit nervous about posting all of that. In my mind, I fear talking about how much I struggled will make people look down on me or think that I'm faking my recovery now. But its all truth. Its my reality and I think about it every day. Knowing that its not seen as a weakness or a shortcoming made me feel tons better. I hope that ya understand now why I can be a bit of a hardass at times. Its the only way to recover - to be as firm with yourself, if not more so, than your ED is.
Speaking of ED. I haven't seen 'em in awhile. On Friday night, I went out to dinner with the boy before going to see Alice in Wonderland. We went to Boston Market for dinner. Boston Market, for those who don't know, is essentially an upper-scale KFC. Its Southern food. I had a roasted turkey breast with buttered mixed vegetables, two roasted garlic potatoes, and a slice of corn bread. WHAT!!!! Okay. I've not mentioned this before, but I spent YEARS fearing potatoes and would not eat them. Period. Samesies on the butter.
I finished my entire plate and it was awesome. Like really. I wish I had a picture so I could show you guys how insane that plate was. But I'll just say that those people did NOT skimp on the portions - my plate was heaped so high it nearly tipped over on one side. It was definitely a good dinner though and I did a victory dance after I finished.

Now for a few pictures of some things I've eaten recently...

Midmorning snack from Saturday: Greek yogurt, honey, Kashi Go Lean Crunch, and Justin's Honey Peanut Butter. I also had an apple on the side. But the star here is obviously the PB. I've never had honey peanut before, ever. And this stuff was freakin delicious! It's so thick and peanutty, with a light sweetness to it. I'm kind of sad I don't have anymore haha. I'll have to go on a mission to find some in my area.

Monday Snack before school: 2 slices toast, one with the last tablespoon of Dark Chocolate Dreams, one with the first tablespoon of my new jar of creamy peanut butter. Both smeared with blueberry preserves.
To be honest, I have come to a conclusion that many of you will be disappointed in. I do not really like DCD very much. I mean, I had the jar in the pantry so I was going to finish it, I paid for it after all. But in this instance, I much preferred my slice with the creamy peanut butter. And as a quick little chocolate fix, I personally prefer Nutella over DCD any day.
Thus last night, when I came home from work I had a slice of toast with Nutella.
I really, really needed it even though I had at least hit mid-way on my usual calorie range for the day. I was legit exhausted and was going to let it go. But I was also SO freaking hungry. And so tired. What to do? The simplest thing I could. Make something easy and go to bed.
My day yesterday was ridic. I wasn't expecting work to be busy, so I went for a run in the morning, followed by doing some strength training before class. Went to my drawing class. Only to find that I had to park not on the 3rd, not the 4th but the 5th floor of the parking garage to even get a spot. Thereafter, I had to walk around the school and find a spot in which I could draw two pieces of art work and the space that held them. Okay. I ate my PBJ as a snack while sketching. I ate my dinner in the car as I went to work. It was crazy busy up until I got my break at 7PM. I ate my snack. I came back. Half an hour later, I was asked to zone the rug and doormat area. This entailed me moving, rearranging and cleaning the entire aisle. Have you ever lifted a large doormat? Those things are not exactly light weight. I moved about 100- 200 lbs worth of carpeting and door mats last night.
Did I mention I was tired when I got home yesterday? Even when my ED flared up a bit and made me feel unsure of my decision to eat again, I said "Fuck it. I've been having to run around so much lately, even more today, I probably need these extra calories and then some." And I enjoyed every freakin' bite.

It taught me something important too. I DO have the ability to eat when I am hungry, to know what my body needs and wants. And that even after all the years spent fearing and loathing my body - I don't anymore. I'm not afraid of the alleged continuos weight gain our ED's conjure up. That's not reality. I've seen time and time again that eating an extra hundred or two hundred calories a few times a week really doesn't make or break you. And for once, I feel strong and healthy. I don't want to lose that. I mean just the fact that I could do all that I did yesterday without collapsing is a HUGE sign that I am taking care of my body properly and that I've been doing well with giving it what it needs. And that makes me happy - the ability to do whatever I want or need to get done. I'm learning to appreciate my body more and more as the days go by. And I'm really lovin it, I have to be honest here.
It still amazes me that so much could change within my mind and spirit in only a year. But I suppose a year is all it takes to make a difference some times.

Just look at that hair! Good grief. There's so much of it! haha. I have no idea what to do with it anymore. But I'm enjoying headbanging and hair-flipping. Its been awhile since I had hair awesome (or long!) enough to do either of those things. That being said, any ideas on fun things to do with my now newer and longer hair would be more than welcome!

How. Why. When.

2010-03-04T09:23:00.006-05:00

So on my formspring, I have gotten a lot of questions about how and why I recovered, how I'm doing now, so on and so forth. Given the number of people who seem to be struggling lately, I feel its appropriate to write about how this all went down for me. From the beginning. I actually had to write an essay on my life for sociology last night. When the teacher announced the assignment, I was scared. I looked up at him and said "Our whole lives, or recent?" He looked back at me and said "I want to know every thing about you."
This assignment scared me because, well, the only thing I've known for the past seven years is anorexia. Its only been the past five or six months, maybe less, that I have begun to discover Victoria again. I'm not gonna post the whole thing, just what spurred me into recovery.
"By the time the winter semester of 2008 started, I was about XX pounds, barely able to function. I was so cold all the time. It was unbearable. I remember kids in my classes, particularly the boys, offering to take me out to dinner, saying, “I’ll buy you anything you want but you have to eat ten of it.” I tried to eat more. I tried to get better. But there I was, in the kitchen, pouring Ensure Plus down the drain and replacing it with regular soymilk and water. I was exercising to the point where it became painful. My eyes were rimmed with pink and purple from the exhaustion. I dropped another five pounds or so before my mom approached me about it. She held paperwork in her hand and said to me “Either you check yourself into treatment, or we will take you to court.” I balked, but eventually went through with. At 5’8” and XX pounds, no treatment center on the East Coast was willing to touch me. No one would even let me travel to a place for help because I was so medically unstable. Six hours and twelve hospitals later, I found a medical hospital in New York that had a program for acute cases of eating disorders. It was a pediatric ward, but they took me in anyways. I was there for three weeks and gained all of three pounds, when the expected gain in that time was usually about 15. They deemed me too sick for the facility to manage, said I was too stubborn, too unlikely to recover. I was very sick. I was 19 and my heart was stopping about three times every night in my sleep. Yet, because I was the oldest girl on the ward, and had the least chance of ever recovering after having my ED for five years, they actually took my heart monitor away. The doctors told me I was getting better. I remember parading around the halls; so happy to think I was going to be okay. My nurse took me aside and told me that wasn’t true, and that their reasoning was actually because I was the oldest, so if I died one night – it was something the doctors figured was going to happen anyways. A few days later, I was shipped off to Cornell. I cried. I begged and pleaded not to be sent there. It is one of the strictest wards I have ever been placed in. When I went there, I was no longer made to eat a 3600-calorie diet in 3 meals a day. Instead, they started me off on 1800 calories of Ensure Plus and juice. I lost weight every day for the first week, before they had finally increased my intake enough to make it stop. The doctor there threatened to have me committed to a state institution for two years if I couldn’t start acting like I could care for myself. Even my eating disorder couldn’t tame my smart mouth. I laughed in her face and told her it was their own fault for my weight loss, asked her what in her right mind made her think taking an inpatient that was consuming 3600 calories a day and barely gaining, and giving them 1800 calories in liquids was a smart idea? I spent the next two weeks on bed rest. I didn’t see the sun or smell fresh air for almost a month. I had to ask permission to pee at unscheduled times. I had to measure my own urine every time I went to the bathroom. I showered in a group shower with plastic curtains and supervision. Every minute of every day was monitored. I ended up with every anorexic’s worst nightmare. A 4600 + calorie meal plan just to gain a pound or so every week. It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced. My cups of Ensure Plus were larger than even those of the boys in the program. The nutritionist told me she had never seen a female inpatient require such calories to make such slow gains. In a sick way, I found this knowledge comforting. It lessened my fear, but it also let the thought of how easy it would be lose all the weight grow in my mind. I was there for about two months. When I got to come home, the first thing I did was take a shower in my own bathroom and lie on my own bed. I could barely remember the color of my own bedroom. My blue walls seemed so bright that day. And god, I was so happy.
Unfortunately, even that didn’t last. Within six weeks, I dropped to my all time low. I remember that morning so well. The image of the numbers flashing on the scale may forever be burned into my memory. I stepped on the scale over and over again because I just couldn’t believe it. I had dropped down to XX pounds in six weeks. I was amazed and horrified. I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time, I saw myself for what I had become. I was literally a shell of a person. Nothing but bones and skin. For the first time, I saw the imminent death lying behind my eyes – tired, weak and lost. I cried. I begged my mom to help me. My insurance refused any further coverage for my anorexia because I was a chronic case and had long since been determined impossible to help. I was 19 and had been handed a death sentence. It was the hardest thing for me to ever say to myself, after so many years wishing for it, but I knew I did not want to die this way. I wasn’t ready. "

When I started my recovery, I didn't believe I would ever truly recover. I always figured I'd get to whatever weight, and still be unhappy. I never though I could get better. But I tried because I wasn't ready to die, and because I finally saw the pain I was putting my family through. My mother cried herself to sleep every single night. I couldn't even close my eyes because I could hear her sobbing, praying through the walls and her asking God to give her the strength to go on. I would hear her pause before opening my door every morning, and say to herself "Please let her wake up." I hated myself for the suffering I caused and I wanted to make it stop. And the only way to do that was for me, myself, to change. I made a choice to endure my eating disorder's wrath, not for my own sake at first, but for my family's. Doing it for someone else made it easier for for me at first. Eating to make my parents happy gave my mind a more tangible reason to do it, and more selfless. As time went on, and my brain became more nourished and my thinking became more clear - I realized I had to recover for ME too or else it would never work. It took about five or six months for me to say that I wanted to recover not just for my family's peace of mind, but for my own desire to live a life beyond anorexia's hold.

I was just as scared and insecure as many of you say you are right now. And I know, it is SO hard to just effin do it like everyone says. I had myself convinced there was so much more to it than that. And emotionally, there totally is. But in terms of the actions one must take, it really is that simple. You don't wait for there to be a better day. You don't wait for your mind to come around, or for your ED to say its OK. Because that day will never come. Believe me, I never felt like eating at first. Even now, I have days where I'm just not very hungry. But I eat anyways, because if I don't the next day will just be that much harder. Sometimes, you have to jump-start yourself in order to get back to where you want to be. In the world of recovery - this means you will be uncomfortable for a few days. It means there will be anxiety, there will be fear, and there will be more calories than you may feel you are capable of dealing with. But you know what? All of those thoughts are created by your ED. You CAN handle eating an extra 200 or 300 calories a day. Its a glass of milk with a slice of toast with a tablespoon of peanut butter for heavensakes. Will your anorexia rise up in anger? Yes. But those feelings stem from your eating disorder being afraid of losing its power over you. When the ED voice is fighting with you the most over what you are doing - that is how you know for sure it is the absolute right thing to do. You can do anything you tell yourself you can. And that is the hardest part - being OK with using your own voice instead of the anorexic one. But no matter how strong your ED is, there is always a glimmer of your real self, under the shadows. You have to listen to that part, even for just a minute every day. And do what YOU know is what you need to do. After the first time, every time after that gets easier and easier. It is totally possible to outsmart and out-do your eating disorder. That's how I made it through.

If I can recover, anyone can. Its all in the first step. You either make it, for whatever the reason, or you don't. After that, all things can become possible. Its been 20 months now since I started recovery. I've got about 4-6 at a reasonable weight for my height. I took it slow, and there is no shame in that. But even when I was taking it slow - I was never stalled. I had a constant momentum, no matter how fast or slow it was, I was always making sure I stayed on the right track. I still am, and I'm still going. And I believe everyone can find their way too. You just have to fight for it, and never let up. Remember, we may not choose to be eating disordered, but we DO chose whether or not we fight. We are not passive victims, we have the ability to overcome our ails.

Heads up!

2010-03-02T10:15:00.002-05:00

Sarah from jeweleryartdesigns.com sent me an email, asking to promote a giveaway on my blog. That means some lucky readers of mine will get hooked up with some free swag from their awesome collection of jewelery.

Anyone interested? I thought you might be.

Simply click here and sign yourselves up!

Great way to start your Tuesday morning, no?

Hope everyone's having a great morning. I'll be posting a "real" bloggie post up tomorrow morning most likely.

2/27

2010-02-27T09:24:00.011-05:00

Wooow. I can't believe the amount of questions I've gotten on formspring. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting so many. But I'm pretty excited about it. I'm glad to answer every question as best I can. I'm also glad that some of my readers have expressed what else they'd like to see on my little ol' blog here.

This past week has been CRAZY with the weather we've had. So much rain, oh man. I really dislike precipitation in all forms at the moment. I'm so glad to finally be seeing the sun today.

On the bright side, I did get to try a few new things this week.

Koka Mocha probar from Maya and Eliza.
I've actually never had a probar before up until Monday. I was expecting it to be more like a larabar for some reason? But it was totally different - kind of like a cross between a larabar and a regular granola bar. This one had hunks of chocolate, almonds and coconut in it! Can't fail there, that's for sure. It was lightly sweet, chewy and dense. I'd definitely have it again should I ever find one.

And this morning, I decided to try out a Justin's PB packet on my second breakfast. I don't have a picture because I'm ridic and my camera had no battery power. But, I used the whole packet on top of a fage with granola. I was expecting it to be like PBCO cinnamon raisin PB, only sans raisins. But once again - I was surprised. The peanut butter was much more thick and "peanutty" in consistency - not all runny and soft like the PBCO stuff. It was really quite good, definitely different, but I actually prefer the thicker and less sweetened taste to it. Its too bad they don't sell it around here - I'd be willing to switch my allegiance of flavored peanut butters for this one.

BTW - not my new thing - but Stef is having her first give away. New veggie cookbooks for someone out there! She's such a sweet heart.

Now, to address something I have a feeling some of you have noticed. I don't post every thing I eat here, obviously. I don't even always write about my "victories" in terms of challenges eating wise. Why? Because honestly - to me, it is JUST food. I ate dinner at McDonald's a week or two ago. I had pizza at work a few nights ago. I went out for drinks last Friday, and had a rum n coke, and a shot. I had my dad's french onion soup with croutons and cheese. Do I take pictures of all these things? No. Because I don't want to feel like I need to prove something. And in reality - there is nothing to prove. I eat what I want. Do I generally eat healthy foods? Yes. I also eat out of convenience, and that does tend to mean I eat a lot of the same things, because they are what happens to be in the fridge all the time. My parents don't keep things like cookies or pancakes or what have you in the house all that much, so I don't really get to eat those things unless I've gone out or I've gotten to put some input into the grocery list. That's what makes them treats though - the fact that we don't have those things in our house all the time. It may mean that to some of you - I only eat "safe" foods. But I personally don't see anything wrong with the fact that I primarily eat healthy food at home. When I go out to eat (usually about 1-2X a week) - you can be damn sure I eat what I want regardless of whether its an omelette with hash browns for lunch or a chocolate chip muffin for a dessert.

At the end of the week, I feel happy and free. And if you ask me, that's more important than meeting some checklist or quota of the number of times I've eaten outside of my staple foods.

Speaking of which, here's today's lunch:

Summer Pasta Salad ( 1 cup pasta, 1TBS each olive oil and Thousand Island, dressing, 1/2 cup broccoli, 2TBS raisins, 1/5 raw tofu,plus some crushed red pepper and romaine)
Pasta salad is my favorite food to eat in the summer - its light and refreshing but still really nutrient dense and good for you. Plus I just love pasta. And since the sun has finally come out, I'm celebrating with summery food.

About half a cup of frozen strawberries alongside 6 squares of G&B maya gold chocolate may have also been eaten as a little dessert....^.^
Yeah, after I had that mini-bar from Maya and Eliza, I kind of fell in love with that stuff.
No shame.

I'm a follower.

2010-02-23T08:57:00.004-05:00

That's right. I'm jumping on the bandwagon (how often does this happen?)
But since I figured this would kind of enable me to be more interactive with all my bloggie friends, I figured what the hell!
I now have a formspring account. Hit me up!

http://www.formspring.me/almondsandhoney

Happy Tuesday all!

The perfect rainy day breakfast: 1/3 cup oat bran cooked in a cup of vanilla soy milk with cinnamon, sliced bananas, coconut flakes almonds, drizzle of honey and PB. Always a cheer-me-up.

Hey hey hey.

2010-02-19T07:57:00.006-05:00

So! After my little blow out the other day, things have gotten infinitely better. I cannot thank all of you lovies enough. I know I haven't been the best of bloggers lately, and I am really, really grateful that none of you wonderful people have held that against me. I truly appreciate every word and you guys never fail to make me smile when I'm down.

On the upshot, here is proof that my lack of posting isn't for naught:

Hell yeah! I made Dean's List this past semester. I'm kind of stoked. Or maybe a lot. But if I can keep this up, I *might* be able to get a scholarship to a 4-year college and go somewhere other than SCSU. Not that Southern's a bad school, but I'd really like to go somewhere that's more than 2-3 towns north....

I spent 3 hours yesterday tearing up tiny bits of painted paper to make a 18"X24" still life in drawing class. When my teacher was walking around the class, she stopped to look at mine and said "Wow, that's amazing Victoria." And in our last class, she declared my ink drawing to be "by far, the most complex and intricately done sketch in the class." I'm sorry if I sound like I'm bragging. I'm just really excited to finally be getting positive feedback on my work. The first few weeks people barely even spoke to me and I didn't feel very confident being there. But I'm trying to talk more often in class and I'm beginning to feel less inferior. Does anyone else ever feel like they have a hard time socializing? I do in school at times. I think its because of how much school I missed due to the ED. I'm entirely aware of the fact that save a few random kids who got held back or didn't pass enough courses, I'm one of the oldest people in the room in a freshman class. Several kids have said that they thought I was 18-19. I'm 21, turning 22. So I did definitely feel slightly out of place, like it was written on my forehead that I was three years behind in where I "should" be for a college student. But you know what? One of the guys in my drawing class said, "I will graduate when its time for me to graduate. There is no real specific age for that anymore." And you know what? He's right. I had planned my life out when I was 17. I was going to move to NY. Graduate from Pratt in 2010. Go on for my masters, get my teaching degree. Find a job in the city and so forth. Ain't none of that happened. And while I've fallen apart many times through the past four years, I'm doing alright. And that's the part that matters. It doesn't matter where you are, just how you got there, and how you're making the most of it.

I can tell you one thing for sure. I may not have good days always, but at the end of the week, I'm still happier than I've been in at least 5 years. And in speaking of making the most of things, here's how we do it when Tori has hit the bottom of the box of cereal and the last tablespoon of PB and has to go grocery shopping before work today:

Plain yogurt, about 1/3 of a cup oats and some soymilk all soaked together with sliced banana, dried mission figs, walnuts, almonds and PB. Plus a drizzle of honey and a cup of coffee with Vanilla Caramel creamer (love this stuff!). This is definitely a kitchen sink breakfast, but hey! Nothin wrong with that.

Tonight is the boy's friend's birthday. Soooo I'll be gettin my drank on after work. Should be good times. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Some days.

2010-02-16T20:56:00.002-05:00

Some days are better than others.
This was not one of those days.

Yes, you heard me. Today was an awful day. I have spent about 6 hours napping, at least. Purely because I needed to escape myself. My anxiety has not been this high in months, maybe even almost a year.
Today made me feel like I was trapped somewhere back in December 2008. It was horrible. I didn't feel appetite all day. I just had to force myself to sit down and eat most of the day, with no real desire for anything. All I wanted was to sleep and smoke my cigarettes on the brief occasions I left my bed (like for school.....BTW I went to class in my sweats and hoodie with ridic bedhead. Apparently I'm adorable that way?)
What to do on days like this?
I don't know. I know my ED was beating up on me for eating as much as I have today despite my skipping a day's run to go out for coffee and shopping with my friend Liza yesterday. And on top of that - my car is currently not in drive-able condition. And then to lose my appetite too? Bleh. Not a fun day. I was stuffed mid-way through my breakfast this morning and haven't felt hungry since then. Only option? Lots of high-cal, low volume foods. I did the best I could do for today. I will do better tomorrow. That's all I can say. My friend in the army actually called me and "ate" every meal - breakfast through my last snack- with me over the phone. He really helped me a lot and I'm so glad that I talked to him.

But on a deeper level - I HATE how anorexia sneaks up like this. I was not at all prepared to be dealing with these feelings today. I took a walk outside, in the snow. Just because I couldn't stand being in the house anymore. I will admit - a part of me is really struggling lately. My body is starting to go through some kind of big changes that I had not expected to occur (read: I am growing boobs. Again. And again. And again. they are getting noticeably bigger on a near monthly basis) And its very hard for me to deal with. I want to be happy about it. Most of the time I am. But then I kind of panic about it too - I pretty much skipped puberty. I got taller when I was about 12. I stretched from 4'11 to 5'6" in about 18 months. And then grew again after going through my first bout of treatment for anorexia. My anorexia started when I was around 12. I never got hips. I never had boobs. I never had curves. I started to develop some curves as I gained weight this past year and a half. And I've seen the weight shift a bit here and there. But this is different. It seems like a ridiculous thing to be freaked out by. But I'd finally begun to really feel OK with the body I had and now its changing again. I suppose most would say its for the better, but I'll have to learn this all over again. I guess I just kind of feel like I have to kind of start this whole self-acceptance thing again. I need to not feel angry or upset by this. I'm doing OK for the most part - mosy days I'm elated to finally look like I'm becoming a woman. There is a sense of self-consciousness though. I think being an anorexic - even a recovering one - makes one more aware of the state of ones body and more attuned to changes. And also, given the general state of mind of an anorexic - we dislike things that are out of our control. As mentioned in my last post - I have realized that I cannot truly control the shape of my body. And for me, its really not healthy to try to do so.
Perhaps, perhaps - this struggle today is a sign that I truly am on the right path.
If I think back on it, literally every time I've had any sort of epiphany or major ED-breakthrough, within the next day or two - I have a meltdown. And then I'm that much stronger thereafter. So perhaps this day, as bad as it felt, was its own blessing. Its shown me that hey - I'm gonna have days where I feel like hell. But it doesn't have to ruin me. Even the worst of days has its merit. And this one's is that it means I truly am going in the right direction by letting go of the rigidity, and learning to trust and accept my body for what it is and what it needs.

Experiment.

2010-02-14T07:37:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was any other day. I woke up. Made my new usual breakfast (as seen in my last post - yummy x10). And as I went to go write it down on my note pad - I realized I had finished off the last page on Friday.
I've spent eighteen months documenting every thing I've eaten and adding it up the make sure it was enough.
And yesterday, for the first time it hit me that maybe I don't need to do it anymore. Most of the time, I write it down out of habit, not for checking. I usually know what I need to eat, regardless of its written down or not. So yesterday, I decided to see if I could do it. If I could eat enough without having to write it all down and check it throughout the day to make sure.
After breakfast, I went for a run. I came home and had a yogurt with chopped apple, granola, and PB. Because that sounded like the perfect snack after a run.
For lunch, I had some bulgur wheat with hummus, corn, raisins and tofu. Because I had it in the fridge and y'know bulgur with hummus rocks.
Snack before work? A PBJ and another yogurt with melted strawberries and a drizzle of honey. Perfect snack to fuel me up for a solid 4.5 hours til my break at work.
Dinner at work? Tuna and avocado salad wrap - easily transportable and yummy.
And on my way out of work I was feeling pretty stressed and craving chocolate. I bought a Dove dark chocolate bar off one of the registers, and ate it on my way out to my car.

I ate enough. Without even really thinking too much about it. Yes, I still measured out proper portions for myself. But not one thing was planned or written down. It was just what I wanted to eat, what sounded good. I still can't quite believe I did it. But I think that maybe, just maybe - I am at a point now where I can trust myself, and my body, to know what I need.

On top of this, I also had the thought that maybe it IS time for me to stop meticulously counting calories. Not just because it makes me crazy, but because I need to let go of that idea of control. I'm learning more and more each day that I cannot control everything. And I shouldn't try to take that lack of control out on my body or through my caloric intake. I know I've been in recovery for awhile now, but it finally occurred to me that even the way I plan out my meals and such is still an anorexic behavior. And its something I don't really know if I need to do anymore. So I'm going to try to go without it and see how I do. I think I can do it. And I will.

I had a rough night at work. Turns out one of my fellow cashiers, whom I thought I was friendly with, has been talking smack about me to the other girls in our age group. WHAT! I gave this girl a ride home at freakin 10PM, drove around a town I didn't know very well for a freakin' HOUR because SHE didn't know how to give me proper directions back to the main road. And she has the nerve to say I'm stupid, a bad driver? Psh. That's not even what upset me. She's also been telling everyone that I look sick because I'm too thin and that I look like I have an illness.
Hearing those words made me cringe. I know what sick looked like, and I do not look like that now. I know she spoke out of jealousy and immaturity. And you know what? I really don't care if she wants to call me stupid; I've had 4.0 GPA since I started college in 2007. If she wants to call me a bad driver; fine. I've driven another woman at work home multiple times, even in the snow. And she has frequently said that she felt very safe driving with me and that I was very capable. The sick thing? I've dealt with that since I was in high school. Girls can be petty, especially when someone has something that they want. And you know what? People can say what they want. Let 'em hate. I've been through hell and I fought my way up from the bottom just to even be at the weight I'm at now, to have the life that I have now, and I'm still fighting to keep getting healthier. I know what I've accomplished. And no one's envious and petty commentary is going to take that way from me.

Phew. I really needed to get that out of my system.

Happy Sunday!

Thursday.

2010-02-11T07:18:00.005-05:00

I cannot thank you guys enough for the support you gave me on the last post. It meant SO much to me, you have no idea. I've been trying to comment everyone back, but yesterday was my first day off of work/school in like six days. I spent the majority of the day catching up on sleep and working on some art work. But truly, I cannot thank you all enough. You guys make me feel 100X better, stronger and calmer about everything.

Speaking of yesterday, I legit couldn't even SEE out the windows of my house for most of the day. I sincerely hope this is the last snow of the winter. I know it looks pretty, but really - the chances of it ever again snowing on a day I already had off of work = slim to none. I was dancing for joy while making my breakfast yesterday, purely because school was cancelled and I didn't have to worry about transporting myself to work in the blizzard. Oh yes, Wal-Mart was still open yesterday. Fortunately, I was spared the awkwardness of being called in anyways.

My favorite breakfast as of late: Kashi Go Lean with vanilla soymilk, cinnamon, banana slices, coconut flakes and either Simply Jif creamy PB or PBCO White Chocolate Wonderful.

Also, I've devised a few quick and yummy dinners, and a new nighttime snack that's pretty darn delicious. I'll have to get a photo or two and post up my little concoctions for you all.

Happy Thursday! And lets all be very careful today. Snow is pretty to look at, but a foot of it can be a treacherous.

Explosion.

2010-02-08T07:10:00.002-05:00

Some of you may know this, most of you probably don't. But my father is a construction worker. He's been working at a power plant in Middletown here in CT.
Yesterday morning, there was a gas explosion at his construction site that left 5 people dead and dozens wounded.
I was at work all day yesterday. When I walked in the door, my mother informed me of the accident. My father was safe, fortunately. But he is now going to be unemployed for an undetermined amount of time - he may not be going back to work. At all.

This is not the first time there has been a grave accident on the job. My father is thinking about retiring early. I'm not sure what this means for me in terms of work and school. I may have to pick up a second job this summer. I can do a full two years at the community college, but I'll still need to pay for another 2 years at a university. I'm realizing now that I need to pick up the pieces faster, get myself together sooner. I need to be prepared to take care of myself in all ways - financially, emotionally, physically - within the next few months. This amount of responsibility is a bit frightening. I knew that this day was going to come. I just didn't expect it to come under these kind of circumstances, and without much warning.

I can do this. And so, I will.

Free Friday!

2010-01-29T07:36:00.005-05:00

Ahhh! I am SO happy right now. No school. No work. Awesome!
We had an insane snow storm yesterday. I was legit sitting on my sofa in my fleecies drinking cocoa and thinking to myself "Damnnnnn it better stop before I have to leave for work."
I had to be into work at 2PM. The snow stopped (for about 3-4 hours) at exactly 1:30. I felt powerful haha.
Then we got hit with more snow while I was on my lunch hour. Before I left work last night, my buddy leaving next week for Afghanistan apparently went out and scraped off my car for me. Awww. He appeared at my register and was like "Hey....I scraped off your car for you. I didn't want you to be standing out there in the cold doing it." Isn't he sweet? I think so. Sigh. I'm really going to miss him. We usually get our breaks and stuff at about the same times and such, and it was really nice having someone to talk to.

In other news - I have not gone for a run ALL WEEK. I pulled a muscle in my side and I was a bit nervous that running might have caused further damage. On top of that, my mom had me weigh in yesterday. Now, I figured not running + eating more would = weight gain. But apparently my body isn't cooperating quite that well. I think its going to be a real battle between my metabolism and current activity level in order for me to gain even half a pound a week. But I'm a trooper and it will get done. I've set my mind to this and I will not be deterred. I'll be honest - I'm surprised at how much I still need in order to gain. Like, really, really surprised. But I suppose I shouldn't complain. I do truly believe that forcing myself to eat so much on a daily basis is what freed me of my ED fears, and consequentially, is bringing me closer and closer to freedom from anorexia as a whole. I do question myself sometimes because I do get nervous every now and again when I'm eating so much, but I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing what I need to do for me and MY body - no one else's. And I know that while it was difficult to make the choice - challenging mysel to gain faster all those months ago is what healed me (and apparently my metabolism too). So I need to step it up again? No biggie. And now, on the bright side, I'm really not afraid of anything anymore. I had a dinner of mac n' cheese with broccoli and a York Peppermint Pattie at work last night. I decided to buy dinner just 'cuz its so much easier some days. I did pack and consume snacks for both of my 15 minute breaks. I swear - I actually had one of the guys tell me I ate too much. I told him to suck it and stop hating just cause he was jealous of my ability to eat and not become round. Look on his face? Priceless. It probably wasn't the nicest thing of me to say - but really? I kinda think it was deserved.
And now! Awesome breakfast for the week:

Creamy Banana Bread Oats
Multigrain cereal cooked with cinnamon, 1/2 c. vanilla soy milk, 1/4 cup Hazelnut coffee creamer, sliced banana, and PBCO Cinnamon Raisin PB. I loved this breakfast. The oats were thick and creamy, almost cake-like. And the hazelnut creamer gave a nice nutty sweetness. And of course where can you go wrong with banana and PB? All in all, good breakfast. Nice treat for my awesome entire-day off.

Now I'm off to do Sociology homework (btw I am the only Art major in that class. Everyone else is doing criminal justice, general studies or finance. Awesome!) and do an art project or two.

School.

2010-01-25T08:31:00.002-05:00

Today is my first day back to school. This whole week is going to be freakin' crazy. I had to switch days at work with one of the ladies because my manager is RIDIC. I changed my Monday/Wednesday hours for 8AM to 12:30PM. Guess what he did? He wrote me in for being able to work til 12:30 IN THE MORNING!!! So guess who was scheduled to work right in the middle of their Monday and Wednesday night classes? Yours truly. I fixed it for today. But Wednesday...I'm not sure what to do. I'm scheduled 5:30 to 11. But, I have class 5 to 6:20. Sigh. I may just call out of work that day to save myself the possible trouble of missing class on the second day.

In other news, I do get to take Color Theory and Drawing this semester. So woo-hoo for that, right? Right.
And just for kicks, here's last night's dinner dessert:

Green and Black's Maya Gold. Dark chocolate with a hint of orange and spices, thank you Maya and Eliza! I can now freely admit, I really do love dark chocolate. I went 7 years without eating chocolate actually (first time I had chocolate again was just this past April!) so now whenever I do have it, I always want to make sure its something I enjoy. And this truly good stuff - it was slightly bittersweet and was a really nice way to indulge and treat myself at work. Seriously, with the day I had there the other night, chocolate was definitely warranted.

And now! I'm off to therapy. I haven't seen my therapist in at least 2-3 months? So I'm kind of looking forward to seeing him again.
Happy Monday!

1/19

2010-01-19T08:45:00.004-05:00

Hey hey.
So its Tuesday morning. I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've had to come to terms with many things over the past few days, and it has been a bit of a struggle.
First and foremost, I am still not at a healthy weight for my height. Its frustrating to have to accept this, especially when I know plenty of people only an inch or two shorter than me who are probably about the same weight. But I had to realize that you know what, this is MY body. I am recovering from an ED. I cannot just "let it go" because truly, I do not feel free. I still do feel afraid of weighing any more than what I do right now and I KNOW that means I am NOT at the best place I can be. Maybe this is the right weight for me, maybe its not. But I will never know until I get past this current weight and can afford to eat when I am hungry and stop when I'm full. Right now, I have to force myself to eat whether I am hungry or not because I have no wiggle room - and because the ED mindset is still slightly intact - I am still rather fearful of eating "too much". So I've made a choice - to gain a few more pounds, get to a proper BMI and by then, I figure that all the rest of this will fall away. I've done my research and I know that if I feed myself properly, my body will settle into whatever weight its meant to be at. But if I keep up with the way I am now, I may never find out what "healthy" truly is for me and my body. And I'd rather find that place and learn to live happily there than risk having to deal with possible relapses and side affects from never fully recovering from AN for the rest of my life.

This is really hard for me to say. Everyone says I look great just the way I am right now. But I have to let go of that, let go of my fears and see where I land. It may be that this is the right weight for me, it may be that I need to weigh five or ten pounds more. I don't know. I've had AN for so many years, its impossible for anyone to know what BMI trend I was following. I will find out though. I will trust my body and I will trust myself. It will be okay. Even as I type these words, my mind is reeling. But this is the truth. I feel like I've been lying all this time. But I haven't. I've gotten progressively healthier over the past however many months it is now - I think 18. its taken me a great deal longer that most to follow through in recovery, I freely admit that. Most people would laugh at me. It took me 16 months to gain 35 pounds. A part of me wishes I had pushed myself harder in the beginning and was done with all of this already. But I also know that making the choices myself, doing it for me finally, is what has helped me keep it together this time around. So even if it takes me a while longer, as long as I know I'll get there, that's all that matters. And to be honest, I don't care what anyone has to say about how long its taken me, or all the things I did wrong (and oh! Did I ever make mistakes!) It was a learning experience and its taught me the greatest lessons of my life.

After a few conversations with friends last night, I feel much more secure in my decision to be able to finally let go of anorexia for good. A few more pounds will take me out of the anorexic BMI category. And while those few pounds will hardly be noticeable, I think its really important to remove myself from "that" place, if you know what I mean?
I told one of my friends the other night that it was "about time for me to shut anorexia down for good and bury that $%#%# like old bones." Response - "This is why I like you. And btw, I'm holding you to that. No turning back - just do it."
Don't we love my friends?

Now, for a midmorning snack to cheer this post up!

Plain Greek yogurt with honey, sliced green apple for dipping and what! A Cashew-Pecan Nut Butter Ball from Maya and Eliza!
This was totally delish. I was expecting the nut-butter ball to taste like a Cashew Cookie larabar - totally wrong! It had a hint of sweetness, and was creamy and crunchy all at the same time. I really enjoyed it - it was almost like cookie dough. The yogurt and honey were a perfect icing to this cookie-like little treat. I'm looking forward to trying the almond butter version.

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday!

NYC!

2010-01-16T07:17:00.006-05:00

Hello lovelies! I had the best day yesterday.
I started off my morning with an awesome breakfast, my way of anticipating good things is always to start the morning off with something that I love.

Polished off the box of Kashi Go Lean with some cinnamon, soy milk, banana slices, coconut flakes and PB. Alongside there is my usual cuppa' with Hazelnut creamer.

After breakfast, I did some housework and started getting ready to head off to the train with boy. Of course, girl was not about to leave the house on an empty stomach. I had a green apple and a PB sandwich on whole grain bread. No pic of that, its pretty self explanatory.
Boy picked me up on time (woo! good job!) and we went off to the train. Its about an hour and half ride to NYC. Then, to my surprise, boy's friends also got on the train at the stops in their respective towns. We had a little party going on in the back of the N car. It definitely made the ride go by much faster.
As we got off the train, I wondered how I would ever find who I was going to meet up with in the crowd of people. And then, I walked out the gate only to see two beautiful faces standing not 100 feet away.

Maya and Eliza!

OMG! They are so cute! We ran and hugged each other and it was awesome. we stood around chatting for so long that the boys went off to the bathroom and I kinda forgot to go along with them. Hah. We all know what takes priority! And chatting with friends you've never actual met before definitely outweighs following the boys around. I think the three of us spent like 5 hours literally just walking around chit-chatting. I had so much fun, Maya and Eliza are so sweet! I feel really lucky to have gotten the chance to go in to the city and hang out with them. We did lose the boy and his friends for awhile (which caused boy to go into panic because he then lost his friends as well...oops!) When we finally all reconvened at Rockefeller Center, we headed up to MoMA for Target Free Friday Night and spent awhile just walking around there. It was a really great day and it was a rather sad goodbye. On the bright side - we really don't live that far away from each other so I think more meeting up will be in the future.
Before the girls left, they gave me a present! Aww - I told you they were sweethearts! I was really surprised since meeting up with them was awesome enough for me.

ZOMG. I've been spoiled. Adorable little bag filled with all sorts of things I cannot find here in CT (ProBar, expresso chocolate brownie, mini-dark chocolate G&B,Cashew and Almonds Nut Butter balls {wha!!! I've never even heard of these before! But sounds awesome}, plus PBJ and German Chocolate lara's AND two squeeze packs of flavored PB. can you say whoa!) Plus two beautiful cards that are now taking up residence in my bedroom mirror (I keep all the good stuff tucked into my mirror for some reason, I guess so I can see it all the time)
I honestly had the best time yesterday - it was really great to spend an entire day with friends - especially two bloggie friends that I'm incredibly proud of and happy for.

Well. I've got to work today. I can guarantee at least one of those goodies will be tried out today :) Today may feel slightly mediocre after 3 days off and having a grand time in NYC yesterday, but hey! What can ya do. I'm off to go finish gettin' ready for another day at the 'mart. Fun times, for sure.

Sicky.

2010-01-11T10:56:00.004-05:00

Oh man. I'm so sorry for the lack of posting!
I've had a miserable cold for the past week or so. Weak, coughing and my appetite has gone down the tubes. Its reaaallly frustrating. I've been surviving off of bulked-up soups, bowls of cereal and toast with peanut butter. I'm only just beginning to tolerate "real" food again.
So much to share with y'all though!
I went to the casino on Saturday night with the boy and three of his friends. The five of us crammed into a jeep and drove 2 hours north to go gamble and eat. At Bobby Flay's Burger Palace. I was the only girl in a group of guys.
I ate a turkey burger. And had sweet potato fries that were obviously not baked in an oven and I have no idea how many of them I ate, and I really don't care. They were just freakin' tasty. And I drank about a quarter of boy's Pineapple Coconut Rum milkshake. It was nine dollars! For a milkshake with liquor! But it was soo amazing. Thick, creamy, sweet and full of coconut flavor - honestly I would have gotten my own but $9??? Psh. I'd rather recreate it on my own dime.
The funny apart about that? I ate that AFTER having a small-ish dinner at home and figured on having just a little snack. To be truthful, my ED had been flaring up and trying to use my not feeling well as an excuse to undereat. But after sitting there with the boys, it hit me that I don't need my ED. I can trust myself, and my body just as they do theirs. And after my own estimations - I actually ended up hitting my usual calorie target by eating what I WANTED.
It is that night that I realized I needed to listen to my body more and my head less.
I decided to forego running this week as well. Because I'm still kind of sick, and to be honest - outside of a few fleeting moments of hunger - I still don't have much of an appetite. I've already lost a bit of weight from being sick, and I know I don't have it in me to fuel both running AND gaining back a few pounds. Logical solution: take a few days off from running and save myself the strain of having to eat back those calories plus the extra 400 I already needed to add in.

I'm really rather proud of myself for both of those things. Not too long ago, my ED would have balked at all of this. But in this moment, I know I've done what's best for me.

And now...New Year's Resolutions. To be honest, I haven't really made any yet. I know I want to make this year better. I want to continue along this vein of listening more and more to my body, and letting go of my safety net. I'm going to talk to my therapist to get his opinion on my ideas. I haven't talked to him in AGES. So I'm looking forward to the next visit. Well, as much as one looks forward to those sorts of things anyways.

Andddd school starts on January 25th. Vacation is going by way too fast. Sigh. I'm happy to go back honestly - it gives me something productive to do with my time. But I also hate the added pressures I put on myself. But I will survive it and move on to bigger and better things.

Happy Monday!

NYE Update.

2010-01-02T11:02:00.003-05:00

Sorry that I deleted my last mini-post. But I was currently at 123 posts and the little kid in me isn't quite ready to give that up yet. Thank you all so much for the good wishes. I love you girls (and Clay) to bits.

Unfortunately, my NYE was not that great. I drove to West Haven to pick up a coworker in the snow. That's three towns north of where I live, with my place of work right in the middle (So I drove 4 exits PAST where I work to get to her home).
I was turning left off the exit when the car coming down the road from the opposite direction failed to stop at the stop light. He crashed into my car.
Front end, driver's side. My car spun. Life flashed before my eyes.
I don't know how, but there is no visible damage to me or the car. I know someone up there must be looking out for me.I finished the drive to get my coworker and bring us to work (only 10 minutes late too!) But I admit, I was too scared to drive home later that night in the snow. A friend from work drove me home that night and picked me up to bring me there the next morning. He's a sweet heart, huh? Actually, he called me minutes after the accident happened because he knew I was driving to work and had a feeling something bad happened. I'm going to miss him a lot. He's in the Army and has just been called back for his 3rd tour in Iraq. Sad faces. He hasn't even left yet and I'm already worried. I pick the best people to befriend, don't I?

That part isn't what's really getting to me though.

I spent the majority of NYE with D. We couldn't stop fighting. I'm sorry for bringing my issues to the blog, but it is making me crazy. I don't know why he keeps acting this way, especially when he is so insistent that he doesn't want to break up. Its been putting a damper on my mood though. And I really wish I knew how to fix it and make him feel less insecure. But I can't fix it for him, and I am totally aware of that. Which is rather hard for me to accept. Sigh. I'm not sure I have it in me to carry both his baggage and mine. I can't take constant accusations and I don't understand people who need constant attention and affection because, well, I've never really experienced that and I think I've done quite fine without it. I feel guilty because he makes me feel like I don't love him enough, or the right way. But I was raised in a family where the word love was not so much spoken, but showed. So I don't say those words very much, and I don't actually know how to be in a real relationship anymore (5 years of no real strings may be why I am so against dependency) and I've told him this. I don't know. I just hate feeling like I'm constantly doing something wrong, or at the very least - not doing something right. All these different things coming from all directions is definitely overwhelming for me at the moment.

At least there is room for wonderful cheer-me-up breakfasts:

The world seems so much better after I've had my cup of coffee.

Plains, trains and automobiles.

2009-12-28T12:10:00.003-05:00

So much to tell, huh?
The lunch out with my family went very well. I ordered what I wanted and enjoyed the company of my family. There was the awkward 5 minutes of everyone gushing about how well I was doing and how they never thought I'd get better and how proud they were. Fortunately that bit of conversation commenced after we had all finished eating. It was a good time, and I am really glad I got to put so many of my family member's minds at ease.

Christmas also went far better than I could have ever expected. I even ate some of stuffing and cranberry sauce. I'll be honest - even though I do eat the occasional chicken and fish now, seeing the turkey being carved really freaked me out for some reason and I just couldn't eat after that. I went for the veggie tenders my mom bought me "just in case". I got a few things that I wanted and needed and I didn't even hate myself for not really deserving any of it. My mom adores the necklace I made her (yay!!! This makes me so happy!) and my brother loved the new wallet and the Star Wars trilogy. I also went to the movies with a friend from work later that night. All in all, Christmas was a very good day.

My father didn't spend the day with us as I had thought he would. He spent the day on the sofa watching TV. This happens every year, but it affected me a lot less. In the past, I would blame myself for his lack of wanting to spend time with the rest of the family. I always told myself it was because I was an irritation, that it was because I was anorexic and therefore intolerable. But I have realized now that its his issue, not mine. He used to say horrible, cruel things to me that my eating disorder would feed on and use for encouragement to stay ill. He used to infuriate me with the things he said - "if I can stop drinking, you can start eating" (um yeah Pops, it took you 20 years to do that) "All you want is your eating disorder, its the only thing you care about." or even worse - "You are going to kill your mother and yourself with this nonsense." It took me a lot of time and a lot of talking with my therapist to realize that the things he said in anger really stemmed from his fear of losing me. But its true - anger is almost always a cover for another emotion. And usually anger is a protective mechanism to prevent the real, more vulnerable feelings from being seen. Once I really accepted that as a fact, it got much easier to deal with my father. Or at least, accept him as he was and not let his issues have a negative impact on what I needed to do for myself.

Once I got over the hurdle of my father, nothing else seems all that hard to cope with. I've fallen on my ass a dozen or more times. Just today, I got stuck in the parking lot at Stop n Shop because my car decided to take a nap. And yes, I do mean nap. It failed to start the three times I tried before calling AAA. The man showed up an hour later, put the keys in the ignition and BAM. My baby was running just fine. How's that for irritating, eh? All in all, I think that for every bit of hell we are forced to endure, we come out that much greater in the end and are that much more appreciative of the lives we lead. I know for me, I was thinking about all the things my ED has cost me over the years. But if I hadn't lost those things, I would never have what I have now. And I love what (and who!) I've got in my life right now. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hello.

2009-12-23T07:07:00.002-05:00

I spent over ten hours at work yesterday. I'm such a push-over. I volunteered to stay til 10PM to help clean out the store (both of people and misplaced merchandise.) By the time I finished helping to put away returns, there was an angry mob of customers waiting to be checked out. I, being me, offered to hop back on the register since I was still on the clock.

I didn't clock out til after 11PM. I clocked in at 12:45 that afternoon (I came in a bit early, for the same reason.)

The manager who asked me to stay, Robin, thanked me at least half a dozen times. First for staying til 10 and doing store clean-up, and then again after I said I would stay until the massive lines cleared down. Let this be a lesson to us all: Last minute shopping is a BAD idea.

I'm going out to lunch with my brother, aunts and cousins today. I'm a bit nervous - the last time we did this, I had just come home from Pratt and wasn't very well in my state of mind. The last time the majority of my family saw me, I was an emaciated, scared little girl without much left to live for. Things have changed so much, as have I. All for the better of course, but I am afraid of the amount of attention I may receive. Hopefully the rarities like my brother and cousin Kelly being home will diffuse it a bit. It may not sound like the most "recovered" thing to do, but I already looked at the menu and decided what I would have to take some of the "decision making" nerves away - I already know what I'm having so I won't panic over it in front of everyone. With Dan, I'm perfectly fine deciding on a whim what to eat, but this a bit different and I wanted to make it as stress free as possible. So yours truly will be having pasta and veggies in a balsamic reduction, with "zesty lemon and herb grilled salmon". If I'm feeling really brave, I may even get a drink. ^.^

Drive.

2009-12-17T10:36:00.006-05:00

Lately, I feel haunted by memories of the past. In my sleep, I dream about all the mistakes I've made and in my waking hours, I keep thinking about last Christmas and all the others that I've ruined.
I remember last year, I ran around the house so excited for my family to open their gifts. I made it through breakfast okay. Even the morning snack was fine. But after an argument with my mother before lunch- I told her to take back everything she had gotten me because I didn't deserve anything from anyone. I remember it so vividly - all I wanted to do the rest of the day was curl up in my bed and hide from reality. I was still well under even BMI 14. Our plan was to up me to 2800 calories the day after Christmas to make the day less stressful for me. And then my mom put too many tablespoons of peanut butter on my sandwich - I freaked out. Started crying, screaming and telling her she was trying to sabotage me and hurt me, among other things. She told me the only thing she wanted to sabotage was my ED, and that it was an honest mistake. Swearing was involved and there was more crying. Things were thrown - including me. Eventually things calmed down, but it was not quite the same.

I keep thinking about that day, among others. Where my ED took control of me and turned me into something I wasn't. In my ED, I would be vicious, biting and cruel. And then in the aftermath of an outburst, I would slink into my closet, hide in my laundry basket (I kid you not!) and bawl. I would sit there, silently hating and verbally abusing myself because I was such a monster and I couldn't stand how out of control I became. My ED often used those incidents as fuel for its purpose; to punish me for the terrible person I was. But you see, I am not that person when I'm not entrenched in my ED. It was a self-perpetuating cycle.
The only way to break these cycles of self-abuse, guilt and negativity is to take the control back for yourself. So many times, I've had to set my mind on doing something no matter what the voice in my head said. Now, I don't even have to think twice about it most days. It takes time, but I eventually became more and more comfortable with taking what I needed and wanted for myself. This isn't just limited to food - though that came first obviously. It took me even longer to feel comfortable spending money on myself for things I wanted but didn't need. And from there, I even got to a point where I felt OK with gaining a few more pounds despite not really being pressured to gain anymore. I've struggled a lot, and have been in doubt many times, just as many of us are now. But just remember this song. I listen to it every time I'm down. It doesn't perk me up, per se, but it helps put things back into perspective and it reminds me that all of this has happened for a reason. This song inspires me not to let one bad day ruin the rest, and to keep getting up every morning, so that in the future I am the one making my choices and living the life I want, and not the life driven by the grips of anorexia. I hope it'll do the same for you.

(And to be honest - if looking at Brandon Boyd doesn't make you feel better - I'm not sure we can be friends anymore ;P )

Creativity Strikes Again!

2009-12-11T07:47:00.004-05:00

You know, for the longest time, I was really stuck in a rut. I think going back to school AND starting a job AND having a boyfriend (plus many other suitors) was really stressing me out. And the only way I could ensure that my former coping mechanisms wouldn't take hold was to generally eat the same exact things day in and day out, except for the occasions I went out to eat with Dan or bought a frozen dinner at work. It was rather boring, and that is a lot of why you haven't seen many foodie posts from me. I was too busy doing other things to really care much about getting variety in my diet or making up new recipes. Given the exorbitant amount of calories I need to consume in a day, it became easier for me to generally stick with mainly the same few things for breakfasts, lunches, snacks and dinners. It wasn't very exciting and I was getting to the point where I was sick of it.

However! I believe I am finally adjusting to all of the other newness in my life and now! I am back to making awesome food. In the past few weeks, I have gotten my creativity back and have been enjoying many lovely concoctions. From peach-strawberry milkshakes to pasta with olive oil, capers cheese and sundried tomatoes (yum!). Last night I made the most amazing (but semi-healthy!) chocolate mousse dessert for a snack when I go home from work. Unfortunately, girl was starvin' and didn't even think of taking a picture to share with y'all. However, it was definitely something I'd have again so when I do, I will post that shizzy up.

Today's magic creation:

Yogurt Honey Crunch Smoothie (in a bowl!)

To make: Take one plain Greek yogurt (I used Chobani cuz I'm a starving artist and cannot pass up a 10 for 10 deal) and blend with 1/2 c. milk of choice (I used vanilla soy), 1/5th firm tofu, a good drizzle of honey and blend until smooth. Pour into a bowl, top with cereal of choice (I used Kashi GLC). Nuke in microwave for about half a minute to take the chill off if you live up here in New England. Then add a sliced banana, coconut flakes, cinnamon raisin PB and slivered almonds.

What's really neat is that the blended tofu/yogurt gets really soft and fluffy when you blend and microwave it. It gets to an almost whipped cream consistancy, and just perfectly sweetened by the vanilla soy milk and honey.

I hope everyone has been having a good week. I've been super busy (final projects for sculpture, math exams, workin 32+ hours a week AND making time for boy and friends? zomg!) over my break though, I intend on catching up with every single one of you beautiful ladies (and of course handsome Clay) and being a better friend to you all. I really feel badly, because I don't want anyone to think I haven't been thinkin' bout them or just being neglectful. I don't mean to be, I've just been really busy. If you've ever read anything I've ever written on here or to any one - you know that when I have something to say, I say a lot. (tsk tsk! I'm a big mouth) so because of my inability to write in condensed form, I haven't really felt that I've had enough time to really sit down and give everyone the appropriate attention they truly deserve. I hope you can forgive me.
Now yours truly is going out to IHOP with boy for second breakfast, and then jetting off to work for the rest of the day/night. Good times for sure.

Sharing is caring.

2009-12-06T09:59:00.006-05:00

Since so many of you complimented my muffins, I figured I'd share my recipe:

MUFFINS
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 cup oats (I actually used 5-grain hot cereal)
3/4 cup brown sugar, firmly packed
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice (or just cinnamon and nutmeg)
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt (optional)
1/2-1 cup caned pumpkin
3/4 cup milk
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1-2 large eggs, lightly beaten (I used 1/2 c. pumpkin and 2 eggs for fluffier muffins, but you can use one cup pumpkin to 1 egg instead if you want them denser.)

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Combine all the dry ingredients and mix well. Then mix together the pumpkin, eggs and milk. Add the dry stuff to the wet, and mix until everything is moistened. Pour into your muffin cups and bake for 20-25 minutes.

Also, my newest creation - the protein-ed up Chocolate Shake!

*I may have already drank about 1/4 of this before taking the picture* See how the shake is stuck in the straw? That my friends, is achieving milkshake greatness.

~1/2 c. milk of choice
~1/5 firm tofu
~1/2 c. chocolate ice cream (I used Ben and Jerry's but you're welcome to sub for something else)
~1-2 TBS chocolate syrup (You could make this "healthier" by using a cocoa powder/agave mix. But really, I'm about ease and I don't really give a damn. It tastes better with syrup IMO and that's why I use it.)
~1 scoop Dark Chocolate Dreams PB (optional)
~5-6 ice cubes (for extra frothy goodness)

Blend the tofu/milk together first. Then add ice cream/syrup/PB and blend again. Add the ice for one last run through the noise-maker. Pour into a pretty glass, add a straw and enjoy.

Hope everyone's having a good weekend! Mine has been most excellent. My ipod broke mid-run yesterday, so I had to buy a new one. I got an iPod touch for the same price as a regular iPod thanks to my lovely Wal-Mart discount card (made me love my job for the evening, let me tell you!) Spent Friday night with the boy. We went to the diner and got pancakes. Then spent the evening watching movies and stuff. That boy really is teaching me so much more than he could ever really "get". But I'm better off for it. Need to learn to lean back and relax more often.

Well! I'm off to my LAST day of Sunday class. Woot woot!

Sigh.

2009-12-02T13:22:00.003-05:00

So much has been happening lately, its overwhelming me. I've been wanting to post, but I have been struggling with the words to express all that has been going on. Not one, but three other guys have asked me out in the past, eh two weeks? I broke one heart yesterday by turning him down and trying to gently explain my situation. Things with the boy have been progressively getting better, and I just could not ever hurt him in that way, by going out with someone else. I admit, I had really considered it. But I don't know, something is there that I know I won't find with anyone else at the moment. So I've been trying to weed out the other guys, but its much harder than one would think. Apparently, some people really just don't care.

Now for my big ol dramatic story. Last night, I came home from work and flopped down on my bed. My mother came into my room, looked at me lying there. I was exhausted. She took my face in her hands and asked if I had weighed myself lately. "No...I haven't been wanting to use that stupid thing. I'm much happier not knowing every week what I weigh." An understanding look crossed her face and she said "I know sweetie, you are doing so well. And I know you haven't been restricting at all. I see how much you eat. And I know you've been sneaking chocolate squares from my stash after the really stressful nights at work. But your face...you look like you've lost a few pounds. I don't know how. But I know."
I weighed myself this morning for my mother's sake. And she was right. This is immensely frustrating for me. I've been eating plenty every day. But I have noticed a few things that had been making me curious. I've been much warmer lately overall, but I will get cold pretty quickly at night. I've been hungrier, so on and so forth. Our current theory is that my body is going through possibly its final phase of adjustment - my metabolism is finally normalizing. And in my case, that apparently means going UP to normal speed. Sigh. Everyone has their burdens, and apparently mine is that I need to consume about 700 more calories than the average girl my age needs to maintain their weight. Live and learn I guess.

Now for an upside, I made the BEST pumpkin muffins and I am currently enjoying one with a hot cocoa as my lunch snacky. And you can bet your butts these fluffy, pillowy muffins were made with oil, eggs, and butter. Much to everyone else in the household's (most pleasant) surprise.

While I love healthy-fied versions of muffins (I make awesome apple cinnamon bran muffins!) These are a treat for this time of year, and yknow what? I have absolutely no reason to making low-cal or low fat ANYTHING. And personally, I think that even when the weight gain phase of recovery is over, it is still best to stay away from the majority of diet foods. It reminds me too much of the ED days when I couldn't allow myself to enjoy anything, and calories were always the bottom line. Food is for nourishment, but sometimes its a mental, emotional and spiritual nourishment as well as a physical one. So! I am embracing this mentality, along with my new found need and desire for real food and getting enjoyment from it.

Also - random tidbit. I haven't cut my hair since August and I currently look like a cross between "poor college frat boy" and Tegan and Sara. Awesome, right? Yes! My hair dresser sent me a coupon with the words "Please don't forget about us! Come back for a hair cut and get 20% off!"
Guess who's getting their hair done for Christmas? I am! My mom offered to pay for it. I think I may add some highlights to the bangs or do something crazy. Since by then, it'll be approaching ear/chin length. Any ideas?

Thankful.

2009-11-26T08:00:00.004-05:00

My family is not really celebrating Thanksgiving as my brother is not coming home for the weekend as I had hoped. I haven't seen him in about a year. Last time he saw me, I was very, very sick with my ED. He told me stopped several times on his way to and from our home up here in CT (my brother works/lives in Virginia) because he couldn't stop crying at the thought of seeing me. And after seeing the reality of what I still looked like, it broke him. I wish very much that he was coming home this weekend, so I could show him how much better I am. I'm glad that we are able to at least talk online. But still, I know a part of him won't believe that I could really be so much better until he sees it.

I have many bad memories of Thanksgiving, especially over the past years. When I was 18, I tried to kill myself on Thanksgiving day. I have a tattoo (as seen back in May I believe) that was a tribute to this. I remember it very clearly. After my attempt at suicide, I sat in my room crying. My brother was the only one in the family who wanted to take care of me. He sat there in my room, watching me, crying with me for hours. After we talked for a bit, I got up the courage to go into the kitchen and drink two Ensure Plus's to make up for the meal I had not eaten earlier. And it was on that night that I was determined not to let anorexia consume me anymore. Its been three years since, and I had many more struggles to deal with since then. But I will always remember that my brother has never let me give up hope. Even when everything seemed bleak and without light, he never fought with me over the AN or treated me like an invalid like my parents did. He always wanted me to remember that I was human, that I would make mistakes and do things I wish I hadn't done - but that it was OK because as long as I tried to fix it, better days would be possible.

What am I thankful for this holiday?

~My family's patience and strength to carry on with me after all these years.
~Finally being well enough to eat and enjoy a slice of strawberry cheesecake (oh yes, I am)
~Having friends, a job, and school to look forward to every single day.
~ Having "met" all you wonderful and lovely people. Even if it was through not so pleasant means, I consider you guys to be some of the best people I've ever come into contact with.

Most importantly, I am grateful for my life. As silly as it may sound, I spent many years wondering what my life was even worth, questioning my existence and purpose. I used to believe that I suffered like I did because I didn't deserve to live. But now I have come to the conclusion that my eating disorder took the path that it did because the powers that be knew I could survive it, learn from it and eventually be able to help other people. Every single time one of you guys say how I've helped you, even in some small way - it brightens my day and makes me realize that this has all been worthwhile and that there was a reason for it all. I am thankful to have you girls and the comfort you offer me.

<3 Tori

Saturday 11/14

2009-11-14T09:55:00.006-05:00

Hey lovelies! Sorry for the lack of postage. With the holiday season and midterms, things have been kinda crazy lately between work and school. I have to get up at 3AM on Black Friday to get to work for 4AM and I'm there til sometime midafternoon. Totally dreading that. Apparently, it going to be the retail version of Fight Club. No cellphones in or within 100 yards of the store - has to remain in my car, in the SEARS parking lot next door, turned off. No speaking to anyone outside of the store about what goes on inside. No contacting anyone while on shift. Crazy right? Sigh. Mostly, I just hate how thrown off my schedule will be. I've already decided to tell myself three things: I will not worry about many cigs I smoke, how much coffee I drink, or how many calories I eat that day. FREE REIGN.

New find I found at the local discount store:

Gingerbread, Pumpkin Spice and Peppermint Mocha latte mixes!

We all know what my first instinct was...

Ginger Bread Latte oats!
1/3 cup oat bran cooked with 1 packet of GingerBread Latte, about 2/3 mashed in 'nana. Then topped with 2TBS cinnamon raisin peanut butter, handful of walnuts and the rest of the sliced banana. Soo good. I can't wait to try making concoctions with the other flavors, though this was really, really yummy.

And here's how I spent my last sculpture class. Ladies and Gents, I give you Clarence the green elephant.

I actually made about five of these and gave a few away. PJ was given to a girl in my art class, and Clarence was given to Dan. I love my sculpture class just a little bit more now, after sitting there looking at a stack of left over mini-notepads and realzing I could turn them into something awesome. Everyone in my class thought I must have seen a pattern online to figure it out. But no - I was legit just folding pages and out of nowhere exclaimed "Hey! I can make elephants!" I admit to having been questioning my choice to be in the art field, and was doubting my ability to create. This kind of restored my faith in myself.

Hope you all are having a great weekend! Despite it all, I know I am.
<3

Sigh.

2009-11-06T11:33:00.004-05:00

Blogger is being a pain in the butt and not letting me comment on people's blogs. I'm terribly annoyed - there is so much I feel like I need to say. So, given that I have the entire day today off from school and work (yeeahhh boy!) I'm going to write a post touching on all the topics I feel need to be spoken about.

I have seen so many of us struggling lately. I empathize with all of you greatly. I truly do. This time last year - I though 95 pounds was the perfect goal weight for my height. I'm 5'8". We all know that was absurd. But it was what my eating disorder told me was the upper limit of acceptable.
It was very challenging to get past that weight. But in time, I began to see what I really looked like and realized how much more I truly needed to gain. And by time, I mean over the course of 6 or 7 months. When I was twenty pounds lighter than I am now, I looked in the mirror and saw someone ten times larger than the person that I see looking back at me now. Doesn't that tell you something? It takes time, weight restoration and continued nutrition for the eating disordered thoughts and perceptions to fade. For the time being, you have to recognize that what you see and sometimes think is not based on reality or truth - but rather a conditioned response created by the eating disorder. You can recondition yourself to think and feel differently about your life, your body and yourself as a person. But, like all things, it will not happen overnight. And it sucks to have to deal with it. I'm the first one to admit - recovering is fuckin' hard. It doesn't really get perceivably better until you are nearing the finish line. Even the last five pounds I gained recently were hard. I waffled on my decision to gain more weight for weeks. But after going back to school and work - I saw what REAL people looked like and I was far too thin in comparison. And I can tell you, it still amazes me now how much different my perception and feelings towards my body are these days as compared to ten months ago. But the point is - you do it anyways. Despite how hard it can feel. Because you know what - no matter what you do, your eating disorder is going to make you miserable. You might as well suffer on with its abuses knowing full well that it's screaming so hard because one day, sooner than you think, you will have a life to call your own again. That's how I had to look at it and it helped me a lot to remind myself that one day, all of the hurt and negativity would be gone and that I would be happy. Its hard to believe, I'm sure. But if you knew how miserable I was in my eating disorder, you'd know that for me to be able to say any of these things in truth is incredible. For the longest time, I punished and abused myself because of how negatively I felt towards my own existence. I didn't think I was worthy of the negligible amount of space I took up on the earth, I felt I was a burden and a useless one at that. I believed that the starvation and OC exercising would somehow cleanse me and make it right for me to be alive. I kept waiting for the day where I would wake up, look in the mirror and see someone who I felt was worth living for.

That day never came while I was entrenched in my eating disorder. That day did not come while I was still struggling to come around in my recovery. That day has come now that I am at a healthier weight and have long since overcome my fears and continue to do the things that I want to do for ME every single day. We have to make peace with this fact, or else we never get anywhere.
I can honestly say, I look in the mirror now and while its sometimes hard to believe its really me, I always see someone I think is beautiful.

Such Coincidence.

2009-11-02T13:00:00.004-05:00

"You are more attractive than you realize, and someone is going to make it their job to help you understand that today. Be happy and gracious when someone calls you beautiful. You should believe them -- after all, why would they lie? Your self-esteem has been taking a hit lately, mostly because you are listening to the tiny voices of doubt in your head. Stop it -- those voices are full of lies." - Yahoo Astrology.

The amazing amount of truth behind my horoscope this morning is almost unsettling. Lets hope that its real and that it does get better.

As the days draw by, I'm getting more and more fed up with this way of life and I think I am getting closer and closer to finally, truly, breaking free from anorexia. I know I've said it before, and every time I do say that - I seem to make another step forward. I'm getting to a point where I hate the counting and checking and portioning. Its a major stress, as I'm sure we all know. And I'm slowly beginning to see that its not necessary. My body knows when its hungry. It knows when its not. I've had days where I eat a 700-calorie breakfast, feel hungry an hour later and make a PB sandwich. But then I won't be the least bit hungry in the afternoon. I've had days where I eat a 500 calorie breakfast because I'm just not hungry in the morning, but then in the afternoon I'll have a snack baggie of trail mix or a yogurt with granola after lunch or (god forbid!) a few squares of dark chocolate with some dried figs after dinner.
Do you see what I see? I used to have to eat X calories at X time. Not anymore. I still count what I need to eat in a day, but it has progressed to a different, more healthy level. Slowly but surely, flexibility is coming through. I know we often rush ourselves and want to be happy, healthy and normal overnight. But it just doesn't happy that way. Its hard to have the patience to see this all through. Believe me, I've lost my patience with myself many times. But for some reason, I just never give up. I'll talk the talk and say I hate my life and that I'm giving up. But the next day, I wake up and do it all again. Because its the right thing to do, because the real me is becoming more and more present and in power over the ED. And I do not want that to change. I want my life back. No matter how long it takes for this to pass on in entirety - I will be my own free person again some day. I know I'm already so close (actually just ate a fun-sized Milky Way bar after lunch. Heyy!) No amount of negativity or misperception of myself in my mind is going to take this away.

We may be born into circumstance, but we are always free to take control of what we are given and to change it. We do not have to play like passive victims. Its an unfortunate illness, one that is insufferable and cruel. But it can be overcome. It takes time and determination. But all you need is just to face that one first REAL challenge (I don't mean eating a TBS of peanut butter instead of a teaspoon. I mean eating a real frickin' candy bar or having pizza) and allow yourself to feel good about it and to enjoy what you've just accomplished. That's all you need and suddenly - the whole world becomes possible. And you start to realize that nothing is ever as scary as the ED makes you believe. And all the eating disordered rules start to come crumbling down as you see more and more truth and reality in the world. And as the rules bend and break - you find yourself settling into normalcy. Its frightening at first, yes. But it too will become familiar. Each stage of this recovery process will take time, but it always becomes the new familiar place - the new comfort zone. And as that "zone" gets bigger - your life begins to get better.

My newest comfort zone: being able to eat at whatever time I feel hungry and not caring if its 2 hours after breakfast or two hours before bed.
Next place I hope to get to: Being able to eat without wondering about portions/calorie content. And just eating for satiety.

Edit: A random guy followed me up the stairs at school to tell me I had a pretty face. LOL. I love community college.

Hey!

2009-10-30T07:24:00.003-04:00

Long time, no write lovelies! Sorry for my absence. Things have been SO crazy lately. Mostly in a good way, of course. but yes, very hectic. I've been building a rather gigantic sculpture out of recyclables and paper mache (woo!) and its coming along OK, but it does require a lot of prep and care. Plus, I'm trying to maintain my now barely-passing grade in algebra. Its hard but I believe I am a C- right now and I really don't want that to slip back down again. Most importantly though - I am surviving. Ups, downs, and in between.

I spent almost the whole day with the boy yesterday. We went out for dinner, and went to a show at Toad's Place in New Haven. We saw The Get-Up Kids (<3) and a few other bands. I had my first legal alcohol! I'm so proud of myself too - I had liquid calories! And I didn't even order a diet cola mixer. I had rum and regular Coke. I may or may not have had some of the boy's Long Island Iced Tea. Not a big fan of those I learned. A bit too sweet for my liking. Anyways! it was a really good time. I'm also proud of me for another reason. I usually go to the gum Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Well, I came home around 1AM. I'm working 10 to 6 (which means leaving home at 9:30 and getting home at 6:30). I have decided NOT to go to the gym today, but perhaps Saturday instead. I know it sound ridic, but I have been faithfully going to the gym those three days every week for months. With the exception of when I got a horrible cold - I've been pretty routine about it. But today, I'm doing what's best for ME and not rushing around like a nut when I'm tired. I can say that it feels a bit weird and I feel like I'm missing something. But, I also know I would be entirely miserable all day if I went this morning. So I'm not going. Learning flexibility! Woo.

I will be honest - I am getting slightly paranoid about eating. I'm so frustrated with myself because I've started to maintain my weight on what I've been eating. And now I find myself over-estimating the calories on things quite frequently. Not by a lot, but maybe by 5-10 calories. I never thought much of it until it hit me that 5 to 10 calories overestimated at several meals on multiple things can add up really quickly. I'm making myself nuts over it! I've decided that the best way to fix it is to just stop doing it. Between today and tomorrow, I'm trying to figure out where and what I've been chronically over-estimating and just not do it anymore. Its one thing to say to myself "If the serving of cereal is 1 cup/205 calories, and I'm having 1/2 cup in my yogurt - Its 103 calories, I'll add it in as 105." Its just and easier number to keep track of in my mind. But its entirely different for me to consistently be rounding numbers up to the nearest 10,50, or 100. And I just need to force myself to stop doing that. Because if there is one thing I've learned, its that even as a mostly recovered anorexic - my portions do not err on the side of generous. I can admit that if I have a TBS of peanut butter, its not a heaped scoop. Or if I have a handful of raisins, it is not a packed handful. Yes, these may be things I need to work on. But for the time being, my biggest thing is to learn that I can trust myself to eat enough, without going overboard. I know with my history, that sounds ridiculous to be afraid of. But it is something I have always feared. I KNOW I can trust me, now I just need to put that into practice. And so today - I make a change. No more being nervous that I put too much peanut butter on my bread, no more fearing that the strawberry short cake a friend's mom made has a bit more calories than I intended to eat for a snack (cause you know, its never as much or as big a piece as we think!)

Today, I declare myself free from worry. I Today, I have decided that I will trust myself that much more, and that I will not be afraid of eating more one day than another. Because it all balances out eventually.

Thank you Tuesday.

2009-10-20T13:24:00.003-04:00

<3 Huge thanks and love to all of you who wished me a happy birthday. I truly did have a great one, every one of your comments brought a huge smile to my face. You all make me feel so special - its amazing and I'm so glad to have this community to be part of. Hugs all around! I think I wrote back to everyone, but if I inadvertently missed you, I'm really sorry and please know it was an accident.

So, I've been given this award by several lovely ladies here in blogland, and I figured it was about time I posted it up.
1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket.
2. Your hair? Messy
3. Your mother? Working.
4. Your father? Building.
5. Your favorite food? Oatmeal.
6. Your dream last night? Unrecalled.
7. Your favorite drink? Latte
8. Your dream/goal? Artist
9. What room are you in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Creating.
11. Your fear? Heartache.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Thriving
13. Where were you last night? Boy's.
14. Something you aren’t? Purple.
15. Muffins? Bran.
16. Wish list item? Long-sleeve-tees.
17. Where did you grow up? So.CT.
18. Last thing you did? Text.
19. What are you wearing? Uniform.
20. Your TV? Living room.
21. Your pets? Crusher
22. Your friends? Few.
23. Your life? Chaotic.
24. Your mood? Content.
25. Missing someone? Nah.
26. Vehicle? Corolla.
27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes.
28. Your favorite store? Art-o-rama
29. Your favorite color? Turquoise
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Sunday (long story short: Angry customer tried to get me fired for no reason)
33. Your best friend? Katie.
34. One place that I go over and over? Seawall.
35.One person who emails me regularly? Katie
36. Favorite place to eat? RolyPoly (don't judge! They are the Panera Bread of wraps)

Twenty One.

2009-10-17T08:04:00.004-04:00

So its my birthday today. And honestly, I am MUCH happier and feel 100X better than I thought I would. I went out with the boy last night and had such a great time. We went out to Panera Bread for dinner and then saw "Where the Wild Things Are" - great movie BTW. So! I've never been to Panera before, and I have to say I am really proud of myself. I polished off an entire Mediterranean Veggie sandwich whilst boy ate a half sandwich/soup combo. I also ate not one but two candy bars during the movie, because I knew I needed the calories and hell, I love peppermint patties and 3 musketeer bars. I couldn't decide between the two, so I said 'Eh, its your birthday. Enjoy it. You don't need to eat 100% clean all the time. Its just like having a larabar and trail mix. Except these aren't made with fruit." Haha I know, not *really* but hey. I enjoyed it very much. I also decided to make a Happy Birthday Breakfast this morning:

Cocoa-Coconut Brownie oatbran! Yes, I know. I admit to wondering if I was overdoing the chocolate business, but A. Its my birthday and this is possibly my fave. oat creation. And B. I hardly ever eat candy or anything like that, so once again - "fuck it". I took 1/3 cup oat bran, mixed it wtih 1TBS unsweetened cocoa powder, a pinch of cinnamon and cooked in 1/2 c. milk and a bit more than 1/4 cup water. About half way through, I mashed in a sliced banana, stirred in very well and finished cooking. Then I topped it with a handful of almonds, a scoop of coconut flakes and two tablespoons of White Chocolate wonderful. Soo good.

I really want to say thank you to all the people who left comments on my last post. I had been feeling down, but you guys really helped me remember than just because I have lost the past doesn't mean anything for what's happening right now in the present, or what may come in the future. There's still so much to live for. And if I hadn't struggled and lost the things that I had, I would never be as grateful as I am now.

The best thing I've gained over this year (other than you all of course!) is the strength and confidence in myself that recovering has given me, as well as forgiveness and acceptance. I have always been really hard on myself, as I'm sure many of us are. But recovering has taught me that we all mistakes. There have been days where I've accidently eaten more than I had planned for, and days where I haven't quite met my calorie goals. In the past, I would berate myself and be furious, or let the slip under cause me to continue under-eating more and more. Not anymore. I was 100 calories over/under yesterday? Eh, oh well. It balances out anyways. I don't let those exact numbers rule me anymore. And that has transcended into all areas of my life. I say something a tiny bit too sassy and it upsets someone? Eh, oh well. I realize now that it's not my fault if they take me too seriously. I don't hate myself for being me anymore. I also no longer defeat myself before I even begin. In my mind, I can do whatever I decide I want to do. I know that I am perfectly capable of anything I want to achieve. I cannot express how much different I feel, knowing that I've done what I've done and overcome the things I have. This time last year, if you told me I'd be eating dinner at Panera Bread and eating candy at the movies, I'd have thought you were crazy. And there it is - I did it. I truly believe all things are possible if given time, opportunity and proper dedication.

Something beautiful I want to share:
There is a man who comes to my work every week to buy a gallon of milk. He has been paying me with quarters, dimes, nickels. He's foreign and I usually help him count out the coinage. Last night, he stood in line to come to my register for ten minutes. The other registers were barren but he stayed in my line. No one else offered to check him out - I am the only one who seems to have had the patience to count coin for him. As he got to check out, a huge grin spread on his face. He pulled out a wad of cash, and said to me "I wanted you to know I don't have to pay in coins anymore." as he handed me a $20. He could have used a few singles or a five, but he was so proud of having a bigger bill, he just had to use it. He was the happiest looking man I saw my entire shift and having him be my last customer for the night made me really happy. I feel like that is the best birthday gift I've ever gotten.

Counting down.

2009-10-12T19:15:00.003-04:00

My 21st birthday is in just a few days.

I feel so afraid of this. One part of me is so, so proud. Since I was 17, every year I've been told I won't live to see the next birthday. And here I am. To be honest, I didn't expect to make it either. I've been having nightmares about dying. I think sub consciously, a part of me feels like I have some how cheated my own death by surviving so much (hello two heart failures before age 20?) And it frightens me now, to realize just how dissonant I was back then. I didn't even care if I was killing myself and I couldn't begin to conceive the idea that I was slowly and steadily losing more and more of my life.

Then I wake up now and realize what I've done. I'm glad to have grown and gotten better from it. But its still hard to really grasp that its been ten years since the ED started. Seven since I was originally diagnosed. Its just...agh. I don't know how to put into words, but everything seems surreal. Both my life entrenched with anorexia, and my life now. It feels like I've lived as two different people.

I wish I could be happier. I haven't enjoyed or celebrated my birthday in many many years - at least six? But I just can't seem to feel excited. Just lost. I should stop berating myself for all of this. I just wish I could feel the excitement that everyone else seems to feel on this day. But I have to work til 10PM and to be truthful, I don't have a group of friends to go drinkin' and dancing with. I have a few scattered friends here and there. But that's really it. I've been alone for so long. And now, here I am well enough that I should be able to have an awesome party and have a good time. But if I were to attempt such a thing, I would end up alone. So in my mind, this day isn't even worth celebrating. Its just another day. The only difference is that this one comes with an entire slew of reminders that I really don't want right now. At least I am working till 10PM so that will take my mind off of everything, and it makes me feel better about the lack of social outings that I have.

On the bright side, I'm at least planning on having a delicious bowl of chocolate brownie oat bran for brekkie. My first hot cereal of the season too!

Pushing Up.

2009-10-05T11:23:00.004-04:00

I am exhausted. I think all together, in the past week I've gotten about 5 hours over time on top of my 25 hour work schedule. That's a lot considering I have class five days a week and also go out with the boys at least three nights a week as well. Its all good stuff truly, I feel happier than I have in ages. But, I am still tired.

I really wanted to thank everyone for the support on my last post. I admit, I had been struggling in finding the strength to keep gaining and get a few more pounds on. It just seemed too difficult with my schedule. So I decided to just amp it up a notch for the next few weeks so I can gain a bit faster. Sure, it's a bit harder for right now, but it means I'll have it done with that much sooner and can get to a more normal life a bit more quickly. Sometimes I kick myself for not pushing right along through up to XXX back in April, because I have so much more to do now. But at the same time, I think taking the time to adjust, and to learn to appreciate my body more has helped prevent me from relapsing. I've not weighed as much as I do now in about seven years. I don't want to sound triggering, but it still amazes me that people consider me to be so thin. Every now and again, I catch a glimpse and I realize that yes - I am still very, very thin and do need to gain weight. But when I'm eating as much as I am - I sometimes actually forget that I'm anorexic (I ate THREE peanut butter sandwiches yesterday. In addition to 3 meals and two other snacks) because many of the people I know now have no idea about my ED. And even those who do tend to forget about it entirely. For instance, dear D wants to see me do battle against one of his friends at the All-You-Can-Eat-Pancakes day at IHOP. o.0 I might actually go for it though. I reminded him that I do kind of have an ED and don't generally eat THAT much in one sitting, I tend to spread it out over the course of a day. D's response - "Well, just don't eat as much earlier that day so you can beat C and show him who's boss." I love that he is slowly making me more normal in terms of eating habits. I'm learning that while part of recovery is preparation (like bringing snacks every where you go) - part of it is also learning to eat like other people do; when they have the time and opportunity to. It doesn't matter if I eat a 600 calorie breakfast and a 900 calorie dinner or vice versa - as long as I eat enough throughout the day to sustain myself.

To prove my point, here's what I ate as a snack at 11PM last night after work:

Oh yes I did. DCD and banana sandwich. Because girl needed an extra little something, and why the hell shouldn't I eat after my 6 hour shift? The only reason I usually don't is because my anorexic mind screams "Its too late for food." Well, too bad. BTW I melted it in the microwave after I took the picture. Best. Idea. Ever.

I Can't Lie.

2009-10-02T13:07:00.003-04:00

It looks as if everything is pretty much in my favor these days. I'm making friends at school, even at work. I go out and have fun with friends. I'm doing well in Sculpture and I'm at least passing Algebra enough to get credit for the course. I'm eating well enough. It takes some serious planning on the days I work due to the crazy hours, but I'm doing it.

And I am scared out of my mind. I'm not sure why. I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know where the tears came from, but I got home from work, curled up with a pillow and just cried. I feel like I can't keep this up forever, and I'm terrified that the day the ball drops will be coming soon. I have such a hard time accepting that this all real. That I am truly at XXX lbs, eating XXXX calories a day, and doing okay. It just doesn't seem possible in my mind at times. It feels like I am stuck in a safety bubble, looking out from within its clear and ever so slightly rainbow tinted encasement. Touching the world through the translucent skin that protects me from damages of the everyday.
I hate planning what I eat. Its frustrating and time consuming. I usually end up eating the same thing for days at a time because I just don't have time to figure out other ways to reach what I need. And it makes me feel like I am still so, so entrenched. Like I'm just balancing myself between recovery and ED. I know in reality, its not true. I've taken myself out for spur of the moment Starbucks lovin', eaten food from the mini-food court in my store. Things I never would have done awhile ago. But still. I feel like I'm stuck. I'm scared of what will come to be when I move out from this protective zone I've managed to build that keeps me safe from reality. I cannot always be calculating to such great ends. Its just not what I want to do with my free time. But what will happen when I get fed up, and decide to just let it go? I don't know. I do know I am reaching that point. I am afraid its a sign that the AN is trying to worm back in. I'm scared that I still can't truly trust myself to eat enough day in and day out. I know at some point, I have got to try to fly. Even if I crash and burn, I know I will not create the wreckage I did last year, and that if I do start to slip, I will have the strength and resolve to pick myself up before things get bad. I KNOW this. So why am I still so depressed? And why do I keep questioning whether or not I truly have the strength and resolve to keep going?

I think a part of it may be that my birthday is in 16 days. I'm turning twenty one.
I know, I know. Traditionally, this is one birthday everyone gets excited for. And a part of me is.
Another part of me is horrified. I'm twenty one and a college freshman. It hits me now just how much time I wasted, how much I lost. Many times over the course of the last year, I literally forgot that I was even 20. I still felt like I was 18, 19. Its because I spent so much time in a world where everything was on pause. I wasn't living my life. I was fighting for it. It never struck me that the rest of the world was moving forward and changing. But I see it now. I know I can't go back and fix it. I can never get back the years I lost to this illness. I try not to let it break me up inside. But when I realize how old I am, and I remember how much different I dreamt of life being at this point in time, its saddening. I wanted things to be so much different. I do not regret my mistakes. I really don't. They've led me to be the person I am now, and they've brought me many good friends. But after seeing it all fall apart so many times, its just hard to really believe that this year can be different. Sometimes I don't even believe I'm really still alive - that's how surreal my life has become. I yearn to trust it, and to have faith that yes, this will be a good year. The year I finally eat cake on my birthday and drink (cheap) liquor with friends. The year when I finally free myself from this constraint.

I obviously still put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to excel in every thing I do. *sigh* At least I know what I want, and that should offer me some sense of direction. I just wish this would all stop feeling like a dream so I could really believe this state of health and contentment was here to stay, and not something that I was going to lose.

Creativity.

2009-09-28T17:55:00.009-04:00

So, its been a hectic week or so for yours truly. Thus far, I've worked 30 hours, spent 20 hours working on a paper sculpture for my art class (and its not even finished!) and I've gone to school four days this week. I've also managed to squeeze in time to still have a social life. Never in my dreams did I think it was all possible for me to do all of this, and still maintain myself in recovery. But I'm doing it, I'm really doing it. The best part of all this is that my biggest achievements and crowning glories are no longer things that are food related. Sure, I can measure PB without the tablespoon measure anymore. I can eat an apple without wondering "Is it bigger than the one I had yesterday?" Hell, I can even go to IHOP for brunch with the boy, despite having eaten my own breakfast at 6:30 that morning (pancakes for lunch? Oh yes I did) without much of a second thought.
The things I am proud of, feel good about right now:
I am actually PASSING algebra so far this semester.
And I am ruling my Sculpture class.

Paper Sculpture - 3/4 of the way done. 300 squares of folded and rolled paper right thurr.

On top of that - I have received the Kreativ blogger award from two lovely, beautiful girls - Julia and Eliza.

So! Seven fun facts about me:

1. My eyes change color very frequently. Sometimes even within a day, I'll go from having a bright green with a ring of a terra cotta brown in the middle, to eyes that are golden brown and red (I kid not.). Or vice versa. People often think that I wear contacts.

2. My favorite thing to do is going to local concerts. I started going to shows in town - local punk, hardcore and ska bands - when I was like 13. I still love going, even though the venue in my town was shut down. It was what I missed most when I was too entrenched in ED to go. Its hard to explain, but music frees me. My favorite shows are ska shows. Skanking is the hyper active, friendlier brother of moshing. And its the most fun you'll ever have if you let yourself go enough to try it out.

3. I moved twice when I was 17. First to Charlottesville, VA to live with my older brother, and then to NYC to attend Pratt in Brooklyn.

4. I read incredibly fast. I actually read "Atlast Shrugged" in about three weeks. Its around 1100-1200 pages. Go me.

5. I had pneumonia when I was 14. I still have scar tissue in my left lung from it. My doctor told me I'd never be able to run again. I now run 3-4 miles two or three days a week. (And now I also eat PLENTY to make up for it)

6. My father and I are born exactly 40 years apart from each other. We were also both the youngest children in our family growing up. My mother and brother are born exactly 30 years apart from each other, and were both the oldest children growin up in their families.

7. Loosely translated - my name in Italian means "Victory for the stars". Sweet little irony there eh?

Rise Against.

2009-09-21T10:50:00.004-04:00

I know everyone has their music of choice. But truly I have got to share this album with you guys. This band, and these songs got me through the worst of days. And even now, when I am having a bad day, I pop in one of their albums and I instantly feel stronger and more capable.
My album of choice during my recovery was "The Sufferer and the Witness". Every song on that album empowered me and reminded me that I was human. A person with struggles that could be overcome. My favorite song though, is probably Survive.
"Life for you has been less than kind. Take a number, Stand in line. We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt. But how we survive is what makes us who we are."
Those words always pushed me to keep going, to stop pitying myself and berating myself for what I'd lost all these years. I have come to realize that the past does not matter anymore. Sure, its important because, yeah, I've learned a lot from my mistakes. And they have shaped me into the person I am today. But my past does not dictate my future. It doesn't determine what I'm worth now, or what I deserve to do and take for myself. The amount of stupid things I've done, the times I've tried and failed, the times I've just given up entirely - they have given me the strength to see what I need to do for myself to make things better, and the determination to stick to it.

That being said - I still struggle with myself at times just as much as I did in the beginning of recovery. Just the other day, I had an issue at work with the ED. "Those girls you just checked out were buying weight loss shakes. If they can lose weight, you can too"
Immediately after those girls came through my register, the phrase "Do you really need to eat that extra snack when you get home tonight? Really. Are you even going to be hungry? Nahh. You're fine. A little hunger never killed anyone."
AGH! I don't even know where it came from or why. It really startled me honestly. I suppose I'm still sensitive to the idea of weight loss, but only concerning people who really don't need to lose weight. The minute the ED thought entered my mind, I knew I had to rebel against it and make myself eat what I needed when I got home. And I did. After about a minute or two, the thoughts were gone, and when I got home I happily made a Nutella milkshake. But the fact that they even appeared frightened me.
I've felt many a victory before, but somehow this one felt different. I suppose it was easier for me on some level when I was at the very bottom. I knew I looked ill then. Now I just look very thin. So in my head, its not quite as necessary for me to gain as it was six months ago. But I also know that my body is freakin' weird and I need to meet or exceed the 3K mark every day or else I will start slipping. I fought too hard for too long to let little things like that bring me back.

I had a talk with my therapist for the first time in a while. He said that I had a very real belief that if I can conceive of something, then it can be done. "Conception equals implementation in your mind. You have a mentality now that says if you think you can do something - it will be accomplished." He said that kind of determination and confidence in myself would serve me well. But I'm not quite sure if its bordering on a bad belief, given that I also have black and white tendencies. I can honestly say, I have a hard time understanding why other people don't just do things. Maybe its because the real me is coming back more and more. I'm not sure. But if you talk about doing something, say you want to do it and really mean it - then fucking do it! (pardon my language) There's no reason not to. And the only thing that can ever truly hold you back is yourself. So hey! Live your life with open arms and reach for whatever is within your sights - even if it feels beyond your grasp. Nothing is ever as far away as it seems. At least that's my philosophy. ^.^

I was going to leave you all with a photo of my awesome breakfast of champions, but Blogger is being ridic. And I have to get my butt to class. So! Perhaps later I'll have the pic for it.
Be that as it may, breakfast was a darling mix of oats and Dorset Berries and cherries soaked overnight in vanilla soy and Fage, topped this morning with dried figs, sliced banana, almonds, and 2TBS of creamy peanut butter. And of course the usual cuppa with my new favorite - Hazelnut Biscotti creamer. <3

Reflections.

2009-09-16T10:37:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, my body amazes me. Through taking care of myself, I have come to see that I need far more than I realized to maintain my weight. I had not lost weight over the summer, but since I've increased my calories, to keep up with my schedule, I physically and mentally feel better than I did before. I am more myself - I am happier, more energetic and overall just feel more alive. I suppose this shocks me. I thought that was I was eating was plenty enough to maintain. And while I didn't lose weight on what I was eating - I can see now that it is very possible to eat an extra 200-300 calories a day, maintain the same weight, and FEEL better. I suppose I haven't actually maintained *sigh* I now have to gain an additional 2 pounds since I lost a bit after adding in an extra snack or two. Surprising? You bet. But its nice to feel even better than I did before. Granted I now need to eat an absurd amount of food and will need even more to gain at least another five pounds. But its what I have to do and its what my body apparently needs. So be it. I'll be damned if I won't do my best to enjoy this.

I see so many of us struggling lately, and it breaks my heart. There is so much I want to say to so many people, but I am afraid that I am just being redundant. First and foremost - I want to tell you all who are struggling that things will get better. I know it seems impossible, especially when you've slipped back so many times. I cannot put into words what kind of hell I was living a year ago. I was beyond emaciated. I was constantly sick and cold and could barely digest food. It took me 5 weeks to raise my calories from under 100 a day to 2400. I had to give up the obsessive compulsive exercising. I had to drink about 1400 calories in milkshakes every day because my body rejected most solid food for weeks. I thought I was going to die. The only reason I survived the summer was because my mom is a secretary in a school and had time off. The minute she went back to work, my calories slipped down and I started running every day. Then it became twice a day. I lost three of the four pounds I had managed to gain. I spent two months getting my calories back up to 2500 and ended up needing even more than that to gain. I went back and forth between pushing and failing until sometime in February when I finally had enough. I was sick of myself. I couldn't take the pressure, the fights (oh, were there fights. Slammed into the kitchen floor, punched in the face) I thought about giving up. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking "What are you doing?" I had been playing games for so long, I didn't even realize I was doing it anymore. I had been eating pretty much the same food day in and day out for months and had been whittling my calories down from 2800 as I became more and more depressed. But one morning, I decided not to let the world break me down anymore. I couldn't. I didn't have the strength to fall even further away. On that morning. I raised my calories back up to 2800. And ten days later, I was up to 3600. Sure, I was afraid. I had spent so much time in that little shell. I was used to my own misery - I lived, breathed and basked within it. Anorexia was my crutch. Even as I ate more and more - I could hardly believe what I was doing. It seemed so surreal. The entire duration of my recovery - I was in a trance. None of it seemed real, and I was never sure that it would work. I hoped, but in the back of my mind always lay the question "Will this ever change? What if I just gain the weight and the voice is still there, the fears still present?"

I can tell you now, that with proper nutrition and sustaining what has been determined to be a fairly decent (though not great! I'm still getting there!) weight for my height and frame - so much of it all has disappeared. The food rituals disappeared. The anxiety, the nerves, the guilt - all of it slowly fell away. I strongly believe a part of it was purely conditioning - getting used to being around and consuming food. But the other part was the healing of my mind and body. I am no longer depressed like I used to be. I don't sit and think of all the reasons I should be dead or have died anymore. I don't wish to punish myself and I no longer believe I don't deserve to live. All of these positive things take time. You don't need to believe in it right off the bat - its hard to really truly want recovery and have faith in it when you are still so sick with the eating disorder. But you have to give it a chance. That's all you need. And sometimes, its all you've got.

Amalgum.

2009-09-11T11:49:00.009-04:00

Its 9/11. I know everyone is doing posts in honor of it. I hate thinking about that day. My cousin Kelly was in one of the towers as it collapsed. She is fine, she survived, though she had to go through therapy for PTSD. But we are very close, and just thinking about this day reminds me of how terrified and how sick I felt at school that whole day. I also have cousins and uncles in the military. So my feeling on this day is generally "Remember how lucky you are, and hope it stays that way."

So I've had a cold the past few days. Its been making eating very hard for me - I keep drinking so much tea that I feel full without eating anything. The added cough and sneeze miseries aren't helping. I've been sticking to calorically dense foods and that seems to be working out perfectly fine. New favorite thing to snack on: Black and White sandwiches. What is that you ask?
Dark Chocolate and White Chocolate peanut butters on whole wheat bread. <3 I'm sure you all can imagine just how awesome that is.

Also have been enjoying muesli a lot lately. Though, with the quick and sudden change in temperature, I believe some hot oats may in store for breakfast very soon. Also lots of pasta lately too. I'm thinking tofu casserole tonight perhaps since its cold and rainy, and will be for a few days. Just gotta get out the penne, some sauce, blend up some tofu, walnuts and spinach, add some spices and some olive oil and bake away. Will post a picture if I manage to find my camera beneath my mass of books, sketch pads and work clothes.

I am really frustrated to be honest. I apologize if my rant seems triggering. I can NOT find a single pair of khaki pants on the planet that will fit me. I bought TWO pairs of khaki crops in my usual size and I swear, the back pockets are sagging down to my knees! Its so silly looking. I found ONE pair of actual long pants at Target that were two sizes too big out of desperation since its getting cold up in New England. I look ridiculous. People tell me its cute that I'm always pulling up my pants....but I feel like its such an AN thing. It reminds me of back in the day, when nothing fit because I was emaciated. I am not emaciated anymore. I want clothing that fits. My jeans are OK, they fit good. Khakis must run bigger. But its upsetting. And then when I put jeans on after work, I admit to having to reassure myself that they are not too tight - its just that my work pants are too big.

End rant about clothing.

More and more of my guy friends and coworkers are hitting on me. A guy at work bought me dinner a few nights ago. Another one wants to go to the movies. One friend of mine travels from two towns over to come to the store I work at, just to visit me. A friend of mine in Florida wants to date me when he moves back to CT. Another friend who's studying abroad keeps messaging me, telling me how much better everything about France would be if I was there with him.

i want to be flattered. Part of me is. Part of me wants to hide. I know I should be used to the attention. But it feels like so much pressure. I feel like a lot of people around me seem to expect that somehow, I can fix their problems and make things better. But I can't. I don't have that capacity. On top of that is the fact that I cannot reciprocate their feelings. The boy and I are not really in a relationship anymore - we both consider ourselves single. But neither of us seem to really want to let go either.
Conversation from the other night:
D - "One of us is going to have to move on at some point. I think its going to be you."
T - "How do you figure that?"
D - "There are at least 5 guys who want to date you right now. You could be with anyone."
T - "Just because I could be with anyone does not mean that I want to be with them."
T - "Besides, who's to say you won't find someone else soon either?"
D- " Because I haven't met anyone else and I am happy and content with you."
T - "Did it ever occur to you that I might be content too?"

Blah. How's that for confusin, eh? We also have constant arguments over his paranoia that if I'm not with him, I'm out with another guy. (Newsflash Daniel: we aren't technically dating!) It just bugs me. I feel like there is something going on with him that I can't see, and that he won't talk about. Maybe its in my head, I don't know.

I don't know why, but I keep having this urge to move. Like this need to spread my wings so to speak - find out what else there is out there. I love my school - for a community college, its great. But that's all it is - community college. I know I can do better, go somewhere more challenging. I don't want to school myself into debt though. But I desperately want to go back to art school. It aches being stuck in this small town, working retail. I love the people I work with, don't get me wrong. But that is not the life I want to lead. I want so much more. And I will be damned before I let anything keep me down again. I feel so determined to rise above my circumstances. I don't even care what it takes, but next year I will be somewhere better.

What I've learned thus far.

2009-09-07T10:35:00.002-04:00

Things I have realized in the past week:

I work hard.
I play hard.
I can do anything I put my mind to (including increasing my calories to hault a minor weight loss, despite how busy I am)
I do not ever have to worry about being alone.

As of today, I will have worked about 12 hours over time between Friday night and 9:30PM this evening. Holy shit, right? Here's my layout for the past three days:
Friday - worked 1PM till 10:30PM
Left work. Went out with Daniel and came home at 7AM Saturday morning.
Saturday - worked 11:30 to 4:30PM. Went out for bit. Got to bed around 11PM.
Sunday - went out with Daniel in the afternoon. Worked 4:30 to 9:30. Went over to Daniel's. Came home and went to bed around midnight.
Monday - working noon till 9:30PM. Probably going out again afterwards.

I think I may be taking on too much. Daniel is rather stressing. We aren't technically dating anymore - but as you can see here, it kinda still looks like we are. He's already been asking me today what time I get off of work so we can hang out. He also keeps badgering me about other guys and if I'm going to be dating anyone else some time soon. To be honest, there are at least three guys interested in me. One of them I work with. one of them moved to France for a year to study abroad. And one of them I know from being IP (he was in the depression/SI group). But really - I'm not sure I want to be dating any of them. And I hate that Daniel seems to think that whenever I'm not with him, I must be with someone else. It makes me sad. He's so hard to read. I swear, he was texting me almost my entire shift, every day. But then he says he wants us to be able to be friends. And then he kisses me at the door (and TBH, more often than just that). So I'm kind of like "WTF". I understand not knowing exactly what you want. But its not cool to not even be able to decide on "friends" or "possibly more than friends.". (sigh)
I also have three classes (so far doing quite well in all of them) I seem to function better when I'm doing more. Its like the bigger the challenge, the more able I am to desire and push for success. I've found that I need to eat even more than I initially figured, but I'm OK with it. Hey - more peanut butter and pasta for me? Like I'd really complain about that haha. I feel like this is my final frontier. Learning to live and eat at the same time, and still getting myself to a healthy weight. I can do it. And I will.

Also: I concocted the best chocolate-strawberry smoothie shake you never had yesterday.
~Chocolate soymilk
~Vanilla greek yogurt
~ Fresh strawberries and ice (or just use frozen strawbs for the same slush-effect)
~Chocolate syrup
~Nutella

Blend. Pour into your favorite glass and add a neon pink straw (that's how I do it up anyways!) and enjoy.

48 hours plus some extra days.

2009-09-01T11:37:00.003-04:00

So! I have been a very busy girl. I am SO sorry for not commenting people back, but I have been reading. Just not had the mental energy nor time to keep up to date with commenting.

In the past week, I have:

Been in a car accident. But I'm fine! Just a little tap to the rear kinda thing with a Nissan.
Worked 32+ hours within a four day time span. Apparently, getting out of work at 10PM has become more like 10:30 or 11PM.
Had three classes, and even aced my pretest for Algebra yesterday.
Started an art project based on the Brave Little Toaster (will update with pictures of my sketches and my low/high relief carving)

In the past 36 hours, I have:
Broke up with Daniel
Eaten whatever I damn well wanted because I knew I needed calories and was in no mood to be caring about how much fat or protein I needed (yours truly brought a 3-cup tupperware container filled with my mom's homemade pasta salad, a can of tuna, a chocolate bar and a Larabar to work that night)
Is now dating Daniel again.

Sigh.
Those italic ones sent me through a loop. Big drama about us being too serious and him being afraid of getting hurt, so on and so forth. Being the way I am, I do not see anything as being pressure. My views of love and relationships may be skewed, I don't know. I tend to want to just let things come and go as they may and I like to see where life takes me. I don't force things or push for them to happen. At least not in that sense. So it was hard for me to be able to accept his logic. Just as it was hard for him to understand how I could not be afraid. The break up biz lasted less than 24 hours. We walked and talked Monday night. I don't know why, but since I started school and work, I have become more and more like myself again - I am happy and full of life again. For awhile, despite my feeling better, I was kind of in a rut and felt pretty unhappy with my life because I didn't feel like I was really living it. Now I am. And I am happy, with or without a boyfriend. Anyways, long chat with the boy. And by the end of the night, we agreed that we had jumped into the boyfriend/girlfriend business too fast. And now we are just dating and getting to know each other better. Which truly works perfect for me. I was incredibly nervous about being in a relationship. I like him and all, but I have not had a real relationship in many years, so I am really glad that while he is still definitely going to be around and we'll be seeing each other - we both are still living our lives and not putting any sort of pressure into it.

I keep forgetting to do meal pics, but I'll let you all in on the secret pasta salad recipe:
Whole wheat pasta (my portion was about 1.5 cups)
4-5 chopped sun dried tomatoes
Olives (OK I hate olives so I usually pick them out, but my mom does put them in there)
Sweet peas and broccoli
Handful romaine, shredded
Salad dressing
Spicy tofu (or other protein of choice - I occasionally do tuna instead)
Almonds (these last two are my own add ins)

Now - you mix all the pasta, veggies and nuts together (obviously) BUT for my tofu I like to do the following:
"Glaze" tofu in dressing first (I think Zesty Italian or Thousand Island work best), sizzle on the frying pan with a spray of PAM or bake on the grill wrapped in tin-foil. Roll in red pepper flakes while its still warm and a bit "sticky". Cut into cubes and put on top of salad. Drizzle whole thing with a bit more dressing.

Edit: Woo! This was my 100th post! And what a doozy it was, huh?

NYC, New Job, New Classes.

2009-08-26T13:18:00.005-04:00

Wow. There is so much to talk about, I feel like I don't even know where to start. Well, I'll start with my fabulous day yesterday. I took the train into the city and spent the afternoon with our lovely Jemima. My train arrived like 10 minutes early actually, so I wandered around Grand Central, only semi-freaking out about what to do with myself and worrying about Jemima getting lost, the possibility of missing her in the crowd of people. But, after my second lap around the main concourse, I saw a girl and her mother sitting on a ledge. I walked a bit closer in my pathetically veiled attempt at getting a better look to see if it was her. Well, I took about three steps before she jumped up and ran towards me. (phew!) Spent the day walking around, got lunch and stopped for frozen yogurt from Red Mango. For real, my first time there and I think I just fell in love with that stuff. I had plain with dark chocolate chips and strawberries. It was soo good. Plus they really loaded on the chocolate which made me rather happy haha. I admit, I have chocolate every day, and I like it that way. I'm really proud that I also managed to purchase my self a sweater. OK it was $12 from H&M. Not the big expenditure my mother had instructed. But baby steps folks! Next time. All in all, a wonderful afternoon. Took me a while to find my way back to Grand Central, and I ended up missing my 3:07 train and had to take the 3:25 instead. It was all good though, I stopped in to get myself something to drink and found possibly the greatest muffins ever. Who knew that they sold frosted carrot cake muffins? I sure didn't! I had to contain my excitement about my discovery because I really wanted a muffin to begin with, and finding a carrot cake one made me think "Did God read my mind and decide to just plant these here?". I being my neatnik self chose to eat mine out of a coffee cup with a fork. I looked slightly silly on the train I'm sure, but its a bumpy ride and I made it through without frosting my nose or dribbling crumbs all over my favorite dress.

Fast forward to today: First. Day. Of. School. I haven't been to college in a year and a half. My first attempt- Pratt '06 was a massive fail. I was there for three weeks before my weight had plummeted so low that I was deemed a hazard to myself and to have on campus. Fall of 2007, I tried going to the local community college. I managed to last a semester there, but I was struggling immensely. My weight fell pretty low, but I stuck with school. I started the second semester, lost more weight within 2 weeks and was forced to resign myself from school and go into IP. I came back three months later, audited my former painting class and yes, again, had to bring that to a halt because of yet another relapse.
Do we see my fear? I do. I know I am different now. I make a concerted effort to eat enough each day. But I'm scared that between this and working, I may not be eating enough. Silly, embarrassing question: Did any of you find that when introducing school and work back into your life, you needed to eat even more to keep up with yourself?

The job is going well. At least as well as things can go at Wal-mart. I've experienced just about every bad situation one can run into within my first few days as an employee. Receipt printer ran out of ink, items without price tags, insane customers, etc. And I'm still going strong. Apparently, so far I have already made my place as being one of the favored cashiers. Woo! I have met some truly nice people. Several customers who had complaints about my service managers' way of dealing with them came back to also tell me that when they made their complaints to the Service Desk - they made sure to specify that the cashier Victoria was lovely and one of the friendliest people they'd encountered at the store. So hopefully, despite my knack for also catching lots of technical issues, the fact that people like me and that I'm generally pretty efficient will mean they decide to keep me as an employee (I'm on 90-day probation right now)

Also, an elderly woman came through my line. She spent a legit 10 minutes showing me photos of her grand kids and great-grand babies. She pointed to her grand-daughter in her wedding dress and told me that would be me some day, and that eventually I'd be the crazy lady showing off all these photographs. It was sweet.

An elderly man also came through my line, later that night. I was tired and hungry. Not necessarily crabby, but I wasn't much for smiling at that point. I just wanted to go on my 15 minute break and eat my sandwich. He tried to make me laugh and when I smiled he told me "You have the most beautiful smile. Getting to see it just made my day."

As crazy as the masses can be, you do find some really great people every now and again.

Hello hello.

2009-08-20T07:43:00.003-04:00

So! A lot has happened in the past few days.
The biggest thing though; I got a job. I am a cashier at Wal-Mart. Again. I'm a bit scared to be honest. I'm nervous about juggling school, work and recovery. Thus far I am doing alright, but I haven't actually started school yet. I shall have to wait and see how it all goes. I'm a bit irritated because I only signed on for something like 20-24 hours a week. I am working 32 hours a week for the next three weeks. Kinda sucks. I'm also a bit upset because on my work schedule, I have myself down for working from 4-10 on Sundays. My hand-written schedule that I received yesterday apparently has me working from 1 to 10. I can do it this week, but on the 30th, I'll be in class till 3PM. So I have the pleasure of needing to talk to personnel about that today. I feel really guilty because I did OK the schedule yesterday. But I was just so elated to be working, and to have three days in a row off every week that I failed to make the connection that I had class. I was literally half way home before it hit me that I'd be in class. I called right away but the personnel women were on their lunch break already. And I called back again later that evening, but I was put on hold and then hung up on. So...I'm hoping that they will not be too terribly annoyed. I mean, I can be there for 3:30PM. So I can still cover most of my shift, its just like two hours that I won't be there. That's still seven more hours of employee coverage that would not have had if I wasn't hired. So...I hope that it doesn't sound as irresponsible and stupid as its sounding to me right now.

Things between me and the boy are good. He's in Hershey Park today. I sort of wish I could have gone along since I sort of miss him, but I had to work. Oh well. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. I feel like he sees too much of me anyways. Literally, we were seeing each other almost every single day. So me working is good - kinda forces us to spend more time apart. Even when I don't see him, he spends half the day text messaging and calling me. Its cute, but sometimes I think its a bit much. I'm not used to that much attention from a guy and I feel like I need at least a bit of breathing space. Besides, if he talks to me all day when we're apart, we have nothing to say when we're together. So. This is good. Hah. I love how it sounds like I'm trying to convince myself of this. I really am not a dependent or clingy person, at all. But I really like him a lot - and it feels different than it has with anyone in a very long time. Its a bit nervous-making. Not a bad nervous, but I haven't had an actual relationship since I was like 16 (isn't that pathetic? For five years I've been "that girl" - the one guys call because they feel lonely) so I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. D asked me the other day if I actually liked him, or was just happy to have a guy who didn't use me. I told him I was perfectly content alone and that I hadn't really planned on changing my way of life, and that I wouldn't be exclusive with him if I didn't truly want to be. I think I'm getting a knack for this "talking about your feelings with other people" thing.

I feel kind of bad for not posting about food much lately. But I swear up and down that I have not been restricting at all - I just haven't had time to remember to take pictures. Literally, I have been eating on the fly, in a rush or out and about for the past few weeks. I did make a fabulous breakfast this morning and I wish I had a picture. But I'll give y'all the recipe anyways.

Deluxe Peanut Butter and Jam Muesli:

Soak overnight: 1/2 cup rolled oats, 1/4 cup soymilk, handful dried cherries,1/4 cup Fage 2%

In the morning: Put rest of yogurt into a bowl. Top with oat-yogurt mixture, sliced banana, 2TBS each walnuts and almonds, 1TBS creamy PB and 1TBS cherry presesrves.

Reminders.

2009-08-16T07:23:00.005-04:00

I have had many ups and downs this past week. Especially given the amount of time I spend outside in the heat - it has made it hard for me to feel hungry enough to eat as much as I need to. Thus, there has been a great deal of PB, chocolate and ice cream in my daily diet these past two weeks or so.
I asked my mom the other day if she thought I was eating too much junk.
She said to me "You eat what? A quarter cup of PB? One single serve bar of dark chocolate and a bowl of all-natural ice cream? Really Victoria. Those are all good, wholesome foods. They may be treats, but they are still good for you. And its not like you sit down eat a whole container of something."
She's right. I was misperceiving what I was eating. Perhaps it was anorexia, trying to make me feel guilty for managing to eat enough calories on a daily basis despite not feeling hungry. Perhaps it was just anxiety over the fact that I eat so much more than everyone around me. I spent the day with D and his friend (also a guy) and I ate more than both of them. That was a bit hard to deal with, but D tried to make me feel better about it. After I got home one night, I had to do serious calorie-cramming. I said to him "Remind me to never not grab something to eat while we're out ever again, even if you aren't eating anything."
D - "Why?"
T-"Because I seriously just consumed the most amount of food I've ever eaten within the shortest span of time. I'm rather in awe of myself at the moment actually."
D-"You know, that's pretty freakin sexy. Is it weird that I think that?"
haha. I really do like that boy.

Anyways. All this "inner turmoil" - feeling guilty about not being hungry, about having an actual resentment to how much I need to eat - has led me to do a lot of thinking and a lot of reading. Scanning through my old journals - I see how far I've come. And I began to realize that I have come through a lot more than I usually allow myself to acknowledge.

This time last year, I was sick. I was on bed rest and not allowed to do much more than read books, sketch and work on puzzles. I would spend hours doing nothing at all. My mother and I made up meal plans one day a week, and she carried them out for me. I was far too afraid to even think about making my own meals. I couldn't trust myself to go through with filling a plate. I was also inexplicably intimidated by the sound of the blender. I couldn't digest much solid food properly for about two months. She made me my tiny meals to have four times a day that were comprised of mainly soft and easily digested foods (yours truly lived off of polenta, PB, bananas, yogurt and oatmeal made with CIB for several weeks), plus the two massive shakes to make up for what I couldn't yet handle eating. I wrote about sitting there at the kitchen table, hands shaking and my entire being being stricken with panic. How it took me half an hour to drink that first shake, and when I was done, I could feel the frozen contents through my abdomen. It frightened me. My lips turned purple with cold. It was June. It hits me now, as I look back through those pages and pictures, just how close I was. I look at me then, and I wonder how I lived. I was so, so afraid and so entrenched in my ED. I wrote about each day that we increased my calories. At one point, I was eating XXXX a day - more than I had eaten in all the days and months of my relapse combined- and surprised that I was still maintaining my obscenely low weight. I was literally in shock. I wrote about the things I ate in great, agonizing detail and every bite and swallow was written with painful words. It startles me now to see how much focus I had placed into my fear of food and how obsessed I had become with being afraid.

I have come to see something important here. The way my eating disorder maintained control over me was by causing me to obsess over my fear. It was not the fear itself that kept me from escaping that dark place. It was the obsession about having fear. Fear is only as powerful as we let it be. It can control you, maim you, beat you senseless. Or you can choose to say "I am afraid but I will go on." It took me a long time after transitioning onto an all-solid foods diet to start gaining weight again. I was perfectly content to be maintaining XX pounds while eating XXXX calories a day. And I had it in my head that I was too afraid to ever allow myself to eat more.
And then the fateful day came. My mother told me that if I didn't start putting on weight again (I had only gained a minimal amount on the soft-foods/shake diet), I would be put up in a hotel room, and she would call every day to see if I was alive. She said on the day I didn't answer the phone, she would know to call the coroner because I had finally died.
This was one week before my 20th birthday. I was given five days to show some sort of weight gain.
We battled back and forth with that same threat for a solid month or so before I was steadily gaining half a pound every two weeks. As my mind finally started to become more stable, I grew impatient with myself and started pushing myself more and more. I realized that I didn't have to let fear guide me forever and that it truly was my choice. I could fight, or I could die. Fear is not the end-all, be-all. Fear is not the deciding factor. It was just a feeling, and an irrational one at that. I faced my fear, shaking in my boots. I can't tell you why I did, other than my not wanting to die at such a young age and not wanting to leave this world before I had ever really gotten to live. But I managed. As sick and desperate as I was, I did it.

Fear is not what should define the way you live or the things you chose to do for yourself. Because in time, the fear fades.

The second, most obvious thing I learned was that just because the ED voice says something, does not make it true or based on reality. And in fact, the more you go against the ED voice, the easier it becomes and the more able you are to recognize it when the ED is speaking, And soon you're able to say to yourself "No, that's not true." or "No, I do need to do this." without so much as a second thought. The rebuttal against the negative thoughts starts to become like second nature.

So for those of us with doubts about the possibility of recovering, please believe me when I say its real. Its possible. It takes some time, and some effort. But eventually, one day, it becomes your life again.

honesty.

2009-08-12T13:22:00.004-04:00

So I've received this award from several lovely, wonderful girls. And I'm just now getting around to making my honesty post. I know, I am so slow. But only because me and computers don't coincide all that well and its taken me several tries to figure out how to get that darned button to copy up.

It would be very hard for me to decide on seven bloggers to give this award to. There are so many people out there who I respect greatly for their absolute honesty, even when it invited other people to be hurtful or judgmental - or when it put them in a position to have to be harsh with someone else in order to get them to see the truth. So, all of you lovely ladies get this award as far as I'm concerned.

Now my 10 honest facts:

1. I would feel utterly naked without my tattoos. They don't define who I am of course, but they are a part of me. And I love them.
2. I have a hard time expressing myself out loud. I prefer written or otherwise non-verbal expression in almost every situation. GIve me pen and paper and I can draw you how I feel. Ask me to say it out loud and you'll get mumbles.
3. I am a stubborn pain in the ass. Once I get my mind set on something, I damn well do it.
4. I have double-jointed fingers.
5. I have three dimples. One on either side of my mouth, and one below my left eye (that one only shows up when I'm laughing)
6. I have 1/2" holes in my ears.
7. I have done modeling, as sad as I am to admit it.
8. I played basketball for five years, up until I got pneumonia. Then I missed a season, and was too afraid of being behind on my skills to go back.
9. My parents are in their 60s and my older brother is 30. I am turning 21 in two months. I was a mid-life baby.
10. When I was 5 years old, my mom drove me to my first day of school. As she unbuckled her seat belt, I said to her "What are you doing? I am walking myself into school. I'm a big girl now. You can sit here and watch me." (that one is my favorite story!)

Enjoy the day!

Apologies.

2009-08-11T09:41:00.002-04:00

I apologize to anyone I may have worried yesterday. I suppose I just get frustrated sometimes because I feel like I've come so far and still can't quite seem to be able to trust myself, to feel good about myself. BUt everyone has bad days, eating disordered or not. I know it was just the stress of so many things that caused me to feel like saying "Fuck this." about everything.

Even if I tried, I don't think I could give up keeping track of what I eat. Its a habit far too ingrained in my mind, and I think on some level, for the rest of my life, I will always know how much I am eating. I think the best I can do for right now is to not care if I eat an extra 200 calories one day, or am short by fifty the next. Which I can say, has happened. I've definitely had a few days where I went over on calories (most of my friends are 21 already and everyone always seems to have a bottle of rum or a few bottles of beer lying around) and ED was definitely giving me crap for it. And I really just don't want to think about that anymore. It doesn't matter. Honestly, I took a good look in the mirror and I realized that whatever anorexia keeps trying to make me see, really isn't there. While its almost frightening to have that kind of realization - that I still don't always have the best perception of myself - I know it to be true. I still imagine things. I still transform negative or overwhelming emotions into something they aren't even related to. But as many of you said, at least I am aware of it.

By no means am I relapsing. I am just giving up my rigidity. I am letting go of that fear of taking in more than I need. Because I know in my heart, when you are a recovering anorexic, what we may believe to be too much, isn't always enough. I'm tired of worrying about the silly little things. They are insignificant, and truly, at the end of the week, it makes no difference if I had an extra 200 calories on a Saturday night. Anorexia will not make me feel guilty for being social.

I really want to thank everyone, especially the anonymous posters who gave me a solid reality check. Don't be afraid to say what you feel though - I will never get angry or offended by anything anyone has to say. I know you guys just want to help and don't want to see me lose any of the progress I've made.

I don't know.

2009-08-10T10:20:00.004-04:00

I don't know what is wrong. I feel so out of it. A few days ago, I was happy. I loved myself. I was happy with the girl I saw in the mirror.
And now its disappeared. Maybe its the stress of going back to school, going back to work, having to go for an ultrasound (I apparently have a lump on my thyroid that may be cancer. Fucking perfect, right?) and all while simultaneously managing my own recovery and trying to be the perfect recovering anorexic. Maybe its all too much to bear. But I feel like I am falling apart. I'm eating perfectly fine - no restricting. But every meal the past few days has been a struggle. I have no appetite and every time I see my reflection, I want to cry. I just hate my body so much right now and I don't know why. Actually, I do know why. It has nothing to do with anything. Its purely the stress I am putting myself under.

Logically, I know its the sheer volume of emotion that I am feeling that causes me to perceive my body as having gotten vastly larger than it really is. I know this as a fact - whenever I feel big emotions that I cannot seem to express, its like my mind shifts the weight of those emotions into the way I see my physical form. I literally see the emotional baggage I carry in a physical manifestation. I know it is not really there. But I can't seem to make it disappear, because I keep throwing myself into the fire.

Its frustrating me and I just want to cry.

Dan wants me to go swimming with him today. I do not even want him to see me, period. Let alone in a bathing suit. This self-consciousness is becoming life-inhibiting. I know I should say fuck it and just go. But I know I feel so incredibly uncomfortable that I'll just be bitchy and wanting to crawl out of my own skin the entire time.

I want to feel good again. I miss being happy. And this depression is sucking the life out of me. I need to let go of something. I don't know what. But some of these crosses need to be shed. I need to be able to stop worrying about things and just breathe. To be honest, I think that my weight has become one of the biggest stressors for me. I know how easily I lose weight and while I am eating what I want, I still find myself keeping a running tally in my head to make sure I've eaten enough. And its making me fucking crazy. I don't want to care anymore. I am so close to being free of the calorie obsession. I think I need to just say "screw this" entirely. In fact, I know I need to. I do not want to care anymore. I know what my body needs. I know what I want. I don't need to double check to make sure I ate enough, cuz you know what? If I didn't eat enough one day, chances are that I'll be hungrier the next day anyways so it will balance out.

I am so sick of ED. I am done. I don't care anymore. This is not the life I want to live and this is not the way I want to feel about myself for days on end. Anorexia in all of its obsessive nature will not become me anymore. I am saying goodbye to this illness in its entirety for the first and last time.

"These ties that bind me, I will change. Ignite this spark into flame for I will not be measured by days. I will decide my own fate." - Haste "Calendar Year"

Big Day #2

2009-08-07T09:21:00.004-04:00

So today is my big date with the bone doctor.
I will update with news on that and such when I get home. For the time being, lets hope that she doesn't suggest anything entirely obtrusive to my life and that I am able to stay the whole appointment without having a "Fuck that!" come out of my mouth. Because I'm in a really stubborn and pissed off mind frame at the moment (boy problems? you bet. It is NOT funny to consistently ask about breaking up and then go on to pretend to do it as one drops me off home. And chasing after me as I walk up to my door without saying a word and hugging me and kissing me telling me it was a joke does NOT make it better.)

Sigh.

On the bright side, I might be getting my old job back. And I've decided I want a new tattoo.

Update: So! The doctor says that my bones are already rebuilding from the osteoporosis, and that within the next year or two, I should be well out of the osteoporotic state! Yay. No medications required, just continued nourishment and weight-training should do the job. I am VERY happy to hear this. She also said as long as I don't pull too too many outrageous stunts, I can continue my everyday life as is.

To celebrate, I took myself to the mall and bought some pretty things. In preparation for bad news, I had a super-good breakfast just because, you know, having a good breakfast makes bad news easier to bear. In this case though, I guess the lovely breakfast has become more like a reminder to myself that eating well can and will make things better for me.

Muesli, banana, dried figs, almonds, walnuts and PB. <3 this!

Thank you all so much for your support and all. D made me feel guilty for being upset with him and I was beginning to feel like I had over-reacted. But knowing that you all also agree that it was totally not cool to be consistently asking and joking about that particular topic makes me feel a lot better. :sigh: Sometimes I feel like I am not made for relationships. Its really frustrating because I always feel so awkward and like everything I do is wrong, like I'm constantly making mistakes. I know in time, the insecurity will disappear. I just wish it would happen sooner. Though if there's one thing I have learned, its that all things worth while take time.

Speaking of time, as of today I have been in recovery for fourteen months. Holy crap. That is a LONG time. I remember thinking I'd be done gaining weight within a few weeks. Ha! What crazy things ED causes us to perceive as real and true.

Blergh.

2009-08-05T14:01:00.005-04:00

You know, its funny how one small incident can show you just how far you've come, but still how far you've got to go.
Yesterday, the boy and I went for a hike up Sleeping Giant and we had planned on picnicking.
Sounds lovely, yes?
I thought so too.
So, we did our hiking up, and back down. It was almost 2:30PM before I got around to eating my lunch.
I went 5 hours without food, expending a great deal of energy. I didn't even feel a twinge of hunger.
This frightened me so, so much. I knew I should have felt hungry. Most likely, I was too busy pushing myself physically to even notice. It caused me a bit of panic, realizing that I still don't have that ability to always known when I'm hungry or should eat. And it frightened me to know I should eat, despite not feeling the least bit of hunger. But I know myself, and I know what I need to do to stay on track. So I ate anyways. My massive wrap and a dark chocolate bar (because I didn't think fruit &PB would travel well) were consumed in entirety.
Now here come's the day's kicker.
D didn't eat. At all. Said he ate before we left (at 11AM mind you!)
So I sat there, eating. And he basically watched me. And then said "For someone who isn't hungry, you sure can eat a lot."
!!!!
Usually, anorexia would have had me die right there, on the spot, with shame and embarrassment. However, Victoria stayed in control. Calmly, but ever-so-deftly said "Just because I can go days without eating or ever feeling hungry doens't mean its something I should do. I know what I need to eat to stay healthy and whether I feel like it or not, I've got to eat. For me, its a responsibility. You might not understand, but then again,I really don't need you too."

I'm not sure what kind of look I must have had on my face, but by the time I finished the sentence, D was apologizing and realized what he said was massively inappropriate. I suppose a big thing is that he's never actually seen me eat a meal that I knew had enough calories. I usually bulk up other meals when I know I'll be eating out with him, due to my own self-consciousness. :sigh: Its funny because he tells me ALL the time that I "shouldn't feel self-conscious and thinks its pretty awesome that you're a girl who can eat." And yet, he sees me eat what is enough for me, and almost seems shocked. Meh. What can ya do? I admit to still feeling slightly put off by it, especially in conjunction with him sitting there not eating a bite. But, it is what it is. I will keep doing what I need to do for me.

Shredded wheat, granola, vanilla soy milk, coocnut flakes, almonds, banana, dried cherries,creamy and WCW PB (yum!)

Oh what strenuous things I do to take care of me ^.^
No shame, no shame. And no guilt either.
I believe somewhere inside, I am figuring out that this is how to live. Enjoy what you can and do what you must to better yourself, and if anyone has anything to say about it - tough noogies.

Wow.

2009-08-03T10:15:00.012-04:00

Wow. I cannot thank you guys enough for all the positive responses and encouragement from my last post. I've been trying to comment everyone back as quickly as possible but I'm afraid I may have missed some people. if I did miss you, I apologize and please know every word has been greatly appreciated and consistently brings a smile to my face <3

Today something funny happened. I was at the gym and forgot to bring a towel. But given the heat and humidity, there was NO way I was getting into my toastly little car without showered first. So, yours truly took it upon herself to use the handy-dandy hair dryers they keep at the gym to dry herself off.
Obviously, this meant having to look at my body. In the mirror. For a solid 10-15 minutes.
A long time ago, anorexia would have picked my body apart, looking over every part, scrutinizing it and finding flaws with every inch of skin.
Today, I looked in the mirror and I had some sudden realizations.
I am not fat. I have lovely muscle tone and I am getting stronger every day (woo! I can leg press 140lbs now!)
The biggest thought though, the most important one that entered my mind was that I love my body just as it is. I didn't look in the mirror and see imaginary chub on my midsection, I didn't pinch skin off my ribcage and think to myself that I needed to lose 5lbs. None of the old anorexic thoughts were there. Just a great appreciation for what I have accomplished. I remember the way I used to look and feel - when I was so weak that carrying in groceries caused my arms to ache and I fell asleep at eight o'clock every night because I couldn't bear to be awake any longer. I don't focus on those things so much anymore - I don't need to constantly remind myself of how bad I was to be able to feel good about who I am right now.
I was watching The Incredibles the other afternoon (yeah, I watch the Disney channel on rainy Sundays, so sue me) and something one of the characters said struck me.

"Never look back darling, it distracts from the now."

Who knew such wisdom could come from a children's movie? Actually, I think those Disney flicks are filled with much deeper messages and construct than people realize (did you know Aladdin was based off Othello? True story) But in all seriousness, I heard that quote and wrote it down on a scrap of paper almost immediately so I could share it with y'all. I think some times a lot of us, myself included, let our past selves dictate what we do now. I cannot tell you how many people I know who are afraid of SOMETHING because in the back of their minds, it reminds them of something from the past. I'm not saying that's bad - I do that too. I still have an irrational fear of potatoes and I cannot even figure out why (though I think having to eat a plate of semi-frozen mashed 'tatties and getting entirely sick when I was in IP has something to do with it) But! We are in recovery. We are different people now than we were months or years ago when we were entranced with our eating disorders. We are in different places in our lives. We have new goals, dreams, aspirations. We have new things to look forward to and new lives to live for. The fears and memories left over from our pasts so often distract us from who we are becoming and what we are now capable of. Its saddening to think that we may never realize our full potentials because we keep letting our former attitudes control what we do now. I never ate peanut butter or dessert or french toast when I was into my ED the past few years. Never. But I will admit - when I was in high school, I'd allow myself to have either peanut butter or dessert once a week. I couldn't tell you how much exactly I had, and it probably wasn't as much as I thought - but I always felt like I'd just binged on something bad. And for a long time, I was afraid of having things like french toast or peanut butter because I had that connatation in my head. Over time though, I have let go. I no longer think to myself "I can't eat that because I'll eat too much." I know what my body needs or wants, and I take what I think looks like a satisfying amount. I never on my life though I would be able to do that. But I can now, because without even thinking about it, I have stopped recounting every past event in my eating disordered history and I've stopped thinking about "food rules" for the most part. The past is the past for a reason - because we are supposed to move foward and make changes to better ourselves and enrich our lives. If we keep holding onto our former selves, we never truly grow out of the shell.

So today, I challenge myself and all of you: Let go of just one thing from your past today - be it an eating disordered thing, or a mistake you made or even just a consistent fear you've had. Just something that you think distracts you from living in the moment right now.

With that, I leave you with this morning's muesli:

Oats soaked over night in 1/4 cup milk and Fage 2%, banana, almonds, coconut flakes,PB and orange marmalade. Pina colada style - living's good right?

Fear and Confessions.

2009-07-30T11:32:00.005-04:00

I haven't been posting much lately, I know. I've been spending a good deal of time out with D. But its not just that.
I haven't weighed myself in about 2 weeks now. I am terrified of getting on the scale. In my heart, I know I haven't been eating enough. Still well above what I would consider to be restriction - but I know that the fear foods, the fear of gaining while cutting down on my smoking and the lazy days spent watching movies - have probably caused me to not really eat what I should be eating. I know I probably over estimate at times.
The other day I looked in the mirror. I don't see weight loss per se. But I could swear certain parts of my body used to have a bit more "padding" than they do now. I'm not sure if I was just not seeing myself properly before, or if what I am seeing is real. Its so hard to know. I'm giving myself two solid days of eating at home, and then I am going to get on the scale and see what, if any, damage has been done.

This is not to say no progress has been made. Quite the opposite honestly. Yesterday, me and D made breakfast at his house. I ate french toast made with white bread, whole milk, butter and powdered sugar. I ate scrambled eggs. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the use of a measuring spoon. I ate dinner at Olive Garden and I finished my plate (OK I took my appetizer home in a box. But I figured it was more important for me to eat all of my meal as opposed to filling myself up on a 100-calorie soup.) I ate bits and bites of food that I couldn't account for and drank about a quarter of a rum n coke (because D apparently cannot handle Bacardi 151 like your girl here can) all things I didn't even count towards what I need to eat in a day. I don't know if I can express how huge it is for me to eat or drink a little bit of something and not look at it as more calories consumed. I admit - by the end of the night and D was trying to get me to eat some of his dish - ED started acting up because I had been eating bits and bites all day and I just couldn't do it anymore. I ended up needing to have a long with the boy and explaining things to him - why I suddenly seemed anxious and all that. He still doesn't understand. But I at least got him to see that this was all good for me - that I need to feel anxious and afraid at times or else I will never get better.

I have come to so many new revelations. Like it doesn't matter if the food I eat is the 100% perfect and healthy meal every time. Its okay to eat white bread and butter some times. It won't kill me, and it won't kill anyone else either. In fact, its quite enjoyable (especially when your sitting on the front steps eating breakfast with a cute boy) and that its OKAY to let yourself enjoy the indulgence once in a while. Its good to not eat just what seems safe and perfectly healthy - you've got to branch out into the foreign territory if you ever want this illness to end. And you know what I figured out too? Its OK if I lost a bit of weight. Because I know in my heart that I have the ability and mindset now that I can increase my calories if I need to, that I can gain when I need to and that I do not need to be afraid. Because like everything else - mistakes and steps backwards can be fixed. As long as you learn from what you've done, that's all that matters.

I am making peace with myself - shortcomings, mistakes, and all. Nothing is ever going to perfect, and I am OK with that. As long as I never give up - I can let go.

I feel happier already, just writing that down with permanency.

Monday Morning

2009-07-27T07:28:00.008-04:00

So I woke up this morning, walked around the house. I am officially pain-free this morning! I am SO relieved and happy. I guess I haven't done as much damage to myself as I thought I had, and that my body is far more capable of repair than I thought.
*happy dance*

Last night was a rough one. My ex-boyfriend from this past winter was talking to me last night. Ugh. I'm not sure if I told you all this - but he really, really screwed with my head those months ago. On Valentine's Day, he called me to ask if it was okay for him to sleep with another girl. He wanted me to move with him to Rochester (where he goes to school) while I was still very early in my recovery and was quite unstable. He used to talk about me having his children and such. He was very controlling and manipulative and would use guilt to get me to do whatever he wanted. He was hurtful and would be make me feel guilty over everything. To the point where I had started restricting again (OK. 2200- 2600 calories isn't really restricting per say, but I had cut back enough to stop gaining and start losing slowly for about a month before I ended things w/ him and bolstered myself back up properly) One time, he wanted me to eat a cookie and I really didn't feel comfortable having it - he pinned me down to his bed, shoved the cookie into my mouth and held his hands over my face until I chewed and swallowed. Not cool. As much as I did like him and care about him, and as sweet as he could seem at times - he himself was rather unstable and he definitely has some anger issues.
So this boy is talking to me last night, begging me to take him back. I told him I was dating someone. He said he didn't care as long as I was still his at the end of the day. He wanted me to have his children. He said we belonged together - that I was the only girl he could ever love. At one point he asked me to marry him (wtf? Who does that on the phone?) At the same time, he was also bashing me, telling me I was a liar and that I was manipulative and that I broke his heart by not moving to be with him. That I led him on and caused him great pain by constantly letting him down and not following all of his demands and wishes. He kept saying how worthless he was and how he would never be good enough for anyone if the one girl he truly wanted wouldn't have him. I ended up talking to him for over two hours - partly defending myself and partly trying to calm his own self-hatred. It was soo frustrating. No matter what I said - he kept insisting that we had to be together no matter what. I felt immensely guilty because of what he said but you know what? I cut him off for a reason. That's the way he works - he abuses my guilt complex to get what he wants and needs. Not this time though. I told him I really, really like D. I was not going to let him try to worm himself back into my life and ruin something that was good for me. I eventually ended the conversation by telling him that us talking wasn't going to change anything and told him to have a good night.

Life is interesting, isn't it? The one thing I AM proud of is that I did not let a single one of the negative or hurtful things he said get to me. I know him - he gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants and he lashes out in attempt to make me change my mind. Its a game and he doesn't even realize he does it. I took every word he said and shrugged it off as his attempt at neutralizing his own feelings. In the past, a conversation like that would have led me to feel an immense need to punish and hurt myself. This time - I walked away feeling confident and proud of myself for not letting him get the better of me.

Well after having that happen literally just before I was going to bed, you can best bet I wanted a serious bowl of comfort (and triumph!) this morning for brekkie:

Kashi Autumn Wheat and some bearnaked granola in vanilla soy with slivered almonds, sliced banana, raisins, WCW and coconut flakes. <3 heaven. Also had my usual cuppa with Cinnamon Bun creamer. Ooh. The perfect breakfast to make you forget about the crazies in life. And a lovely way to start a Monday morning.

Love you girls! I apologize if I haven't gotten around to commenting as much, but please know that I DO read everyone's blogs almost every day. For whatever reason, I feel like I am short on words lately. It may be a twinge of social anxiety coming back as I get closer to going back to school. I always feel like I say waay too much so I think that's why I haven't been writing as much here or in response. I apologize for that - I need to work on not slipping into a shell when I get anxious.

Hope everyone's having a beautiful Monday!

Ouchies.

2009-07-26T10:42:00.005-04:00

So, I fractured a bone in my pinky toe this morning.

Bloody fucking perfect.

I don't deal well with feeling like I am crippled. Limping around the house and yelping every time my foot hits the floor just so is NOT my idea of fun.

I do not like this. Not at all.

It really doesn't hurt that badly to be honest - but its a big fat screaming reminder that I am physically compromised. Someone with healthier bones probably wouldn't be in as much pain. Of course, I can't be sure of that. I did drop a full weighted stainless steel frying pan on my poor little baby toe. I keep trying to tell myself that it would have hurt someone with healthy bones just as much. I'm sure of that. But I can't help but blame myself for all of this. If I wasn't so clumsy, if I hadn't kept myself at such a terribly low weight for so many many months, years, maybe. I don't know.

I hate being injured. It makes me feel so stupid and helpless. I do not like this feeling at all. I fight so hard to be strong and independent and now I can't even cross the kitchen floor for a glass of water.

I know its totally silly to get this upset over such a small injury. Its just so incredibly frustrating to feel this useless and helpless now. And I am terrfied that due to my osteoporosis, it will not heal properly or in due time. That I will be feeling this pain for weeks on end and I will grow more and more fed up with it and fall apart out of fear.

Recap.

2009-07-24T07:13:00.006-04:00

I spent Wednesday in New York City, with the boy of course.
I have never been there before.

It was amazing and I think I just fell in love with the place. We went to the Museum of Modern Art. LOVED it. I don't think we walked around the whole place, but what I saw was incredible. And oh-em-gee. I did really well with eating. I was a bit disappointed though. I entirely forgot that in NY, resturaunts are mandated to post the caloric content of everything. I was all looking forward to not even thinking about calories, and there they were, posted everywhere. :\
It was OK though - it did prevent me from over-estimating what I was eating. I was really proud of myself actually - I ate what I wanted anyways. Even had a strawberry-short cake ice cream bar in Central Park.
The most amazing thing though: I recognized hunger cues. For the first time in I don't know how long. I felt hungry, knew I needed to eat more and I did! Honestly - I had to come home and make a ginormous snack since me and D split a sandwich for dinner (for the record - I could have eaten the whole damn thing plus a dessert, I was starving! But food was expensive and D refused to let me pay, so i suggested we split something since I felt a little guilty)But just the fact that I ate three meals and came home and ate again because I knew I needed to is huuuge. I'm really, really proud of myself for that.

I have been feeling a bit scared lately. I find myself not wanting to care about the calories any more, not really thinking about grams of fat and all that other formerly-obsessive stuff. It just doesn't plague my mind anymore. And while I know that is absolutely wonderful, its a bit frightening to think that the life I used to know is slowly becoming something new. Its weird to think that hey - you ate that sandwich yesterday and that ice cream and didn't even wonder about how many grams of fat or protein were in them. I don't even know how many calories or grams of this or that were in my breakfast this morning, and I don't know what I'm going to have for lunch exactly - I'll be raiding the fridge to see what needs using up.
This is liberation. I have no idea where it came from, and I won't ask. It feels amazing, new and intimidating - but amazing nonetheless. I've heard that this sort of thing happens upon reaching your body's "happy place" - the obsessive and consuming thoughts just start to fall away. I hope that's true. I admit a small part of me fears that this lack of thinking or obsessing about food is the first step towards relapse. But I do keep a general idea of how much I've eaten versus what I know I usually have in a day from when I was planning and I can tell when I haven't eaten enough. I don't think that sounds or feels like anorexia stepping back into my mind. I hope its not. I hope its just me making one more step forward in recovery, and getting one hurdle closer to being free again.

I hope everyone's having a great Friday! Remember, all things are possible as long as you don't let go. I never on my life thought I would have been able to get this far on my own - if at all. I honestly did not expect to see my 20th birthday last fall. And here I am, approaching the 21st. But I have done this, and I've done it for real this time. I've maintained a pretty healthy weight since late April (longest span of time ever for me). I've noticed a lot of girls in blog-land seeming like they are slipping back, or struggling over all. I understand this to a certain extent, but honestly even on my worst days, I still force myself to eat what I need. Even when the ED used to scream in my head that I was getting too big or that I was too close to X pounds - I kept going. That doesn't happen much anymore, but on the rare occasion that it does, I do not let it stop me. You can be damn sure I still eat three meals and 2-3 snacks every day. Because I know in my heart that one day of restriction will lead to another. And I also know now that the events and circumstances of my life should not dictate how I treat and nourish my body. Ultimately - it is YOUR choice whether you eat or not. No one makes you restrict, you choose to let the stress or sadness you feel be manipuluated by anorexia. And yeah, I'm sure you probably think that's easy for me to say given where I am now. But I've struggled a lot, with more than what I have revealed on this blog. I'm not looking for pity on those things - they are part of life. People die. We get disappointed with the way our lives our going. It is part of recovery - learning to deal with life and not take it out on yourself anymore.

Epic Postage.

2009-07-21T07:29:00.007-04:00

Hello again all,

I really wanted to thank you guys for all the support and positive reinforcement and encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me to have so many people who believe that I can overcome this too. I know its treatable, but I admit to being skeptical. I suppose I've been having a hard time lately with the staying positive. Not just with the osteoporosis business, but with my life in general. Its very frustrating as I'm usually not like this. ED hasn't been making an appearance per say, but the past day or two have felt endless.

I'm sure a big chunk of that can attributed to my immense lack of nicotine yesterday. Yep. Yours truly is working down to quitting. I'm not proud of this, but I was smoking about a pack a day. I've halved that amount thus far. I know I feel better physically already, but mentally I am sort of freaking out. I have a history of anxiety and panic. In high school, I would literally leave school after I had my art and english classes for the day (no, I wasn't supposed to) because I couldn't handle being there. Somewhere between then and college, I picked up smoking and the anxiety ceased. It became like a crutch. Feel anxious? Smoke a cigarette, feel better. *sigh* I'm doing OK though. I've taken to keeping only 10 cigs in a pack and smoking each one half way at a time.

Another big feat for moi: I bought JEANS. Three pairs. At the mall.
Jeans that actually FIT.
Huge deal, no? I haven't had a pair of jeans fit me since I was 15. Well, they fit when I came out of inpatient treatment of course, but you know what I mean.
Imagine me, coming out from the dressing room, looking in the mirror. Standing there. Twirling and turning and looking, trying to gauge whether or not the aforementioned jeans fit or not.
An attendant comes up to me. "Hi, how are you? Need any help? Those jeans look fabulous on you. Are you nervous about the wash or the cut? They're a new style but they look really chic."
Victoria responds "Oh no, I love the color. I'm just not sure if they fit."
"Oh? Do you like your jeans tighter usually?"
"What? Oh no. I was nervous they were too small. I haven't really owned a pair of jeans that actually fit me in a while so I'm not sure how they are supposed to look when they fit."
"Oh! No, sweetie. Those fit you perfectly. They look really great. Let me go get you a few other pairs to try on."

I don't think that woman knows what relief and comfort she gave me. I truly was at a loss as to how pants were supposed to fit. Its weird. On some level I *knew* that's what a pair of good-fitting jeans should look when worn, but I couldn't quite believe it until someone else actually said it. So I'm very grateful.
I also ended up having to spend $140 on three pairs of pants.
Oh, I hate being tall. Ok. Don't hate it. But having to spend an extra however many dollars to find longer-lengthed jeans kinda sucks sometimes. I ended up giving my debit card to my mom and asking her to take them to the checkout for me. I knew if I went up and saw how much money I spent on myself, I'd chicken out and still be pants-less. Its something I need to work on, I know.

Oh! The boy brought me flowers yesterday. Red roses. Aww, I know right? It was so cute. He took me into his work to "show me off". Hah. Like three older/elderly men came up to us throughout the day and said to him "You need to treat her good, she's a keeper. As long as you treat her good, she'll take care of you. Hold on to her." Soo funny. Its so weird though. We've literally known each other for two weeks. Yet, I like him so much and feel so good when I'm around him. I suppose its not that strange - but two weeks? I don't think I've ever felt this way around someone I've known for that short an amount of time.
I feel badly because these past few days have been hard for me. So I've really not felt all that comfortable with going out to eat and such and just felt more secure sticking to figuring out for meals at home. At the moment, I feel like I need to do that at least a few times a week until I trust myself a bit more to be able to eat enough everyday without a plan. D wanted me to eat a cookie this afternoon and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I mean, in my had, I knew it would be OK for me to eat the damn cookie. But I really didn't feel like I wanted it. I wasn't hungry and I don't really care for chocolate chip. Much prefer oatmeal raisin personally but I felt really badly. Like on some level my brain also says "You're so anorexic right now. You would have eaten the cookie if you didn't have an ED." So I never know what to do in those situations. Not hungry. Not really a necessary meal or snack time - do I eat anyways just because its offereed? I really have no clue.
On top of that, I know he worries about me. *sigh* I hate when people worry. It always makes me feel so guilty. I know I don't force them to be concerned and its their choice. But i still tend to think that people shouldn't care about me that much. Years of self-loathing will do that I suppose. I'm getting better. I know that. I wish I could get better with all these things much faster though. Some day I suppose. Some day it will all be a memory.

Anddd since I've been lacking in the photo department lately, here's this morning's breakfast:

Bircher-Muesli, cherry pie style. Made by soaking 1/2 c. oats overnight in 1/4 cup vanilla soy, very thinly sliced banana and a fage 2%. This morning added 1/4 c. dried cherries, handful almonds, and a good scoop of WCW. This was sooo good. Letting the banana slices soak in the oats overnight made it almost-melt into muesli so it got super thick and creamy, and it sweetened up the yogurt just perfectly.

And here's what I drew up for the boy the other day:

Hope everyone is enjoying their week so far. Despite the struggle I've felt the past few days, I know its a good week and that it will only get better. As long as I stick to my guns, all things can become good again. I know its really easy to fall into the trap if despondancy and despair. And sometimes, I admit, I wish I could just go back to it because, yeah, it was a hell of a lot easier than trying to constantly keep on top of myself and push forward no matter what. But in the end, its truly the only choice to chose that's worth it.

Mulling it Over.

2009-07-18T14:03:00.003-04:00

Last night, I was hysterical. Tears kept coming everytime the word or thought entered my mind, no matter how hard I tried to stop it.
For a minute, I felt like giving up. Like all this past year had accomplished nothing. My eating disorder suddenly felt like something I could never truly be rid of - it left its mark on my body now, permanently and irreversibly. It has now taken more from me than ever before, more and more things that I can never get back. It shattered me honestly, hearing that news last night. I felt like saying "What is the point of all of this then? I will never escape anorexia. I give up."
Then rationality started coming back to me.
About ten months ago I had stress fractures in my feet from obsessive running. It took about a solid month for me to be able to even walk without pain. A month or so after the pain went away, I aggravated those fractures by walking around the house too much. That time, it took two weeks for the pain to go away.
I can run 3 miles at the gym now - pain free, no fracturing, nothing.
Obviously, whatever is wrong with me IS getting better. My bones have gotten stronger than they were a year ago. Sure, they aren't perfect. But they are in the process of getting better. The osteoporosis is probably only in my hip region. It is treatable, and given my age, possibly almost reversisble.

I didn't give up. I ate a full dinner with a dessert, and a snack before bed just as always. Anorexia has given me its consequences. I will not faulter and I will not be distracted by this upset.
My life can and will still belong to me.

I'm getting an appointment on Monday with a bone specialist so I can get started on some sort of treatment to help restore my bones faster.

"Fear not for consequences, fear not at all. My focus shall not fail, I shall not fall and nor shall I despair." - All That Remains

Drum Roll

2009-07-17T07:22:00.005-04:00

So! I did my little drawing of winners this morning. I couldn't figure out a more precise way to to do it, so I wrote everyone's names on scrap paper and put 'em in my trusty knit hat, shook 'em around. I'm not sure if there was a more technical procedure to use for that sort of thing? Probably so. But scrap paper does me just fine, as long as you all don't mind.

Winners:
Mitri
Laura
Coco

So, y'all can hit me up at cloudyskies3443@yahoo.com to let me know where I should be sending goodies. And I will write back to let you know when you should be expecting them.

Happy Friday!

Edited: I hate to steal the thunder for these beautiful girls. I recieved a phone call this evening. Remeber my DEXA scan back in June? They finally called me with the test results.
I have osteoporosis. I am turning 21 in October. And I am an old woman already.
I'm trying so hard not to cry anymore over this. It's only in a few bones and it will most likely be reversible given my age and the probability that my bones were actually worse than they are now and are in the process of improving densisty wise.
This is my nightmare. I'd rather have any other health problem - give me anemia, my arrythmic heart - any of those I can accept. But this. This is heart breaking.
I hope I can fix it. I hope so badly. But now, I'm not sure my hope will ever be enough.

Slippage.

2009-07-16T07:32:00.006-04:00

Wow! Alright I was NOT expecting that many resposes to the last post haha. I will be doing my raffle draw tomorrow though and will update with the winners.

I'm sorry for not posting in the past few days, a lot has been going on. I've spent nearly entire days with D. Yours truly not only tried on her old bikini but wore it. Twice. In public. I have not worn aforementioned bikini since 2006. Soo much fun though. I met some of D's friends, we went to a swimming hole out in the woods. That was a blast. The water was absolutely freezing but jumping in felt soo good. Totally loved that. I did slip on a rock and bashed my knee pretty good, but it's alright now. I have also had to eat out a lot. And I fear my calories may have slipped because of it. Despite the boy's assurance that hey - its pretty cool that I'm a girl who can eat - I do have a tendency to feel a wee bit self conscious. There have been several nights this week that ended with me coming home around midnight and raiding the fridge for Ben and Jerrys and almonds. I've eaten a lot of "fear foods" too (Kraft Mac n Cheese, and diner milkshakes anyone?), and even eat some things that I didn't even count towards my daily calories (like the gummi bears I ate on the car ride up to the woods) I am immensely proud of myself for that. My fear is that because I have eaten out so many times, and I do still sort of tend to over-estimate on my calories when I'm not 100% sure, that I may have been shorting myself by 100-200 calories the past few days.
Today though. I am taking today, and the next few days to myself to get myself back on track. Its a little scary bringing the calories back up after several days being short. Even though its really not much at all, I am a bit paranoid that the 2-3 days of not eating quite enough totally shot my metabolism. (yeah right, I know.) But I know this is what I need to do for myself to prevent another relapse. D has told me repeatedly that its ok for me to eat around him. Well, I know that but knowing that I probably eat more than he does in a day kind of frightens me a little, even if what I'm eating each day is probably only going to be enough for me to maintain lately and I'll probably need to boost up to 3600+ to gain even another pound or two. :sigh: I know everyone wishes they had my metabolism but it is really hard to eat SO much at times. But I need to do what I need to do. I keep telling myself that and it seems to be helping.
Mega embarrassment yesterday though. D wanted to meet my mom. OK. So I brought him in. We're in the door for like five minutes maybe before my mom started interrogating me about what I ate. In front of the boy.
I was pissed. I understand that she is concerned. But really. In front of someone like that? I wanted to die. D knows I'm recovering from anorexia. But he has no idea how bad I used to be, mentally or physically. I haven't told him much about it - not about how I used to lie about going out to eat, or how I used to hate myself so much that I didn't feel I deserved to eat. I didn't even think I deserved to be seen at one point. I don't know if I want him to know that part of me. I am very afraid of those parts of me at the moment, terrified of it coming back full swing. I know that fear will help me stay on track. But its still very tough to cope with. At times I wish I could run away and live my life as if I was never anorexic. I know that's impossible but I keep wanting to forget. At the same time I force myself to remember how much pain and suffering I inflicted upon myself so I will make sure I keep eating enough and don't slip back. A few days cannot, and will not, break me. Not this time.

Oh. By the way, I'm officially someone's girlfriend now. How's that for something new and exciting, yes?

Leaps and Bounds and Beads.

2009-07-13T07:12:00.007-04:00

Aww, I love you guys so much! Seriously - I've never had any friends be as good to me as you all are. <3 I cannot say thank you enough. I am really glad that I have this blog - you've all helped me SO much. I don't know that I would have ever made this much progress on my own.
Speaking of progress. I decided something big today. Something huge.
I know a week or two I decided to stop counting grams of fat/protein/etc. But I was still planning out meals, still counting the calories.
As of this morning, I am a FREE woman. No more counting. Paying attention? Yes. but counting down to the nanogram - no. I know in my heart that I know what I need to eat to maintain my weight. I know what I need to gain. I am going to trust myself. How did I come to this decision? Because I have wanted to do this for a really long time. I knew no one else was going to give me the permission to go without micromanaging my diet - my family will probably always see me as their anorexic daughter. So it hit me the other night that if I want my freedom, I need to take it for myself. No one else will grant it to me, no one will hand it to me on a silver platter and say "Here, you can have this now. Its safe." No. I have to try for it and have faith in myself - even if there isn't anyone else around me who does. I can do this. I know I can.

And Victoria's first free breakfast was something she hadn't had in quite some time:

Bircher Muesli! Made by soaking 1/2 cup oats in 1/4 cup each soymilk and Fage 2%. This morning, I added the rest of the Fage, thinly sliced 'nana, chopped dried figs, a handful of almonds and a scoop of WCW. This was sooo good. I've never made bircher-muesli soaked in both milk and yogurt overnight - it definitely was much creamier this morning. I think perhaps the active cultures in the yogurt help the oats soften up?

Now, I know y'all want to hear about the second date. We went ice skating. I live in New England and I have NEVER gone ice skating before. Isn't that fantastic! I was terrified I was going to fall. But I didn't, not once.Not even when a little five year old boy clung onto my leg for about half a lap around the rink (which while adorable was slightly unnerving) And I think I fell in love with skating haha. It was soo much fun. And yes - I still really like the boy. He's quite wonderful. I don't think he quite realizes how much I have stepped outside of my "comfort zone" just in the past week or so alone. I mean really - I have had cups of ice cream with fudge and nuts several nights now since we were out and I needed a boost to make my calories for a day. Never would have done that before. I feel like anorexia is not in my head anymore. It may be that I've felt that way for a while now actually, but it took the change of routine and stepping outside of my familiars to see it. Also something HUGE happened. Third date is today. Going to the beach.
To go swimming.
Yours truly has not been in a bathing suit since 2006. :gulps: I tried on my bathing suit from all those years ago. And much to ED's dismay - it still fits perfectly and I look pretty damn good - if I may say so myself ^.^ Certainly much better than the last time I wore it when I was 17. Sooo stepping outside of the box there too. Woo-hoo!
I feel so incredibly good about everything. I read through my old journals now and it literally stupifies me - how much hate I had for myself, and how much suffering and punishment I inflicted upon myself because I believed in my heart and mind that I deserved it all. I cannot imagine going back to that life of self-persecution and torment, or having all those horrible hateful thoughts and conflicting feelings. It honestly seems like a whole different world to me now. I imagine that is a good thing. I can recall it and remember it quite vividly, but I do not forsee myself going back there. And that in and of itself feels freeing.

P.S. I will be raffling off 3 necklaces in honor of all you beautiful and incredible people. So! If you want one - leave a comment and include your favorite color (cuz you know, I need to know what will be best to send to whom) and at the end of the week, I'll pick winners. There *may* be a few other surprises tucked into the packages as well.

Have a wonderful Monday everyone!

Friday.

2009-07-10T15:42:00.009-04:00

Okay! I cannot put into words how much I love everyone right now! You guys are soo sweet - every single one of your words put the biggest smile on my face. You girls are too sweet and absoultely wonderful. Seriously - I appreciate so much. I don't really have any girl friends to gab with. So you all get to be victim to my boy-ramblings ^.^ I am reeallly nervous about the whole second date thing (tonight btw!) I haven't had a real relationship with a guy in...a long time. Sooo I'm not really sure how it all works but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along haha. Hopefully anyways.

And since some of you had asked, here's what I wore, first date:

Cobalt blue ruffled and banded bottom top. Also a dark khaki skirt that you can't really see...and one of my hand made necklaces.

So! I haven't posted up any eats in what? Two days now? Right. Well here's a few fabulous breakfasts I've concocted in the past few days:

Ginormous bowl of shredded wheat in Vanilla Chai with raisins, banana, dozen or so almonds and liberal spoonage of PB. Nuked all up in the microwave and smushed. Best way to have shreddies in my opinon. Well, that or with Greek yogurt.

And infamous Brownie Battered Oats. 1/3 cup Multigrain cereal cooked 1 cup chocolate soymilk, 1 large sliced banana mashed and melted in topped with WCW. My peanut butter sunk into the oats, making a big pit in the middle of the bowl :(. Vaguely like a volcano, no? On the side there you can sort of see my big blob of cottage cheese and dried cherries, and my fancy schmancy mug of cinnamon bun coffee. As a note - if one is without chocolate soymilk - 1-2 TBS of cocoa powder with a bit of brown sugar + one cup milk of choice will also yield a lovely chocolately bowl as well.

I hope everyone is having a great Friday and taking some time to enjoy themselves. I think something I have finally learned is that before I actually can really love myself as a person - I need to treat myself with love and learn what it means. You don't just wake up in the morning feeling great about yourself and like everything is perfect and peaches. I mean, we all have our good days, but you know what I mean. The negative self image, the harsh and critical thoughts, the disreguard for our own needs - those things take time to work through. But something I think that has helped me tremendously is learning to take time, not even every day but at least a few times a week, to do something that I enjoy and that makes me happy, or something that makes me feel good about myself. And it truly has helped me a lot. I mean - I'm not where I should be in terms of self-appreciation and what not, but I can at least allow myself to enjoy little things (and some big things!) in life without feeling guilty because I "didn't deserve it." I've noticed a lot lately that many of my ED thoughts and feelings are gone. Entirely. I almost never feel the urge to restrict when I'm upset. I don't feel guilt or anxiety about eating. Honestly - now that I've gotten the "real resturant" bit under my belt, I do not expect any more issues with eating out again outside of my indecisiveness. And I believe that all this change started with something so small and simple - doing something nice for myself. It gave me the ability to understand why enjoyment was necessary in life, no matter where or what it came from. Feeling good or happy and doing something nice for yourself, even if its just for an hour, probably is the gateway into self-acceptance and learning to love you for you.

So, what do you guys do that you enjoy? Or feel is something nice that you do for yourself?
Something I do to keep occupied and also enjoy is making necklaces and such. I've been making a lot lately actually. I was thinking about "raffling" off one or two as a give away if people were interested. Any thoughts?

Recap of The Date.

2009-07-09T07:02:00.005-04:00

Oh my gosh.
I really like him. A lot. We have so much in common - its kind of weird. Like we know a lot of the same people - one of my best friend's friends has been dating his best friend for years. I went to middle school with his best friend, and due to alphabetical order we were perpetually assigned as partners together on projects. We like a lot of same music. He has an appreciation for art (yay!), and likes photography. He likes being outside just as much I do - trekking through the woods or strolling down at the beach. Soo weird. I guess not weird - just kinda one of those things. Look what an awesome and cool person I meet when I'm not even expecting it, right? I got a bit nervous trying to figure out what to order myself to eat and he was really patient about it - didn't get annoyed or anything. He kept telling me it was OK and that I didn't have to worry about it. Made me feel a lot better about the whole situation. And I'm really proud of myself haha. I took a page from Jaime and ordered grilled shrimp with brown rice, broccoli, pico de gallo and pineapple salsa. Wooo. I had long since forgotten how much I loved spicy food. It was cute - D kept asking me if I was doing okay with the anxiety thing and making sure I wasn't freaking out inside. I really was fine though - once I got the decision making part over with. I really appreciated the concern though, and it did make me feel a bit more comfortable, knowing that he wasn't annoyed or totally irritated by my apparently obvious initial nervousness. (I tried so hard to supress it! Apparently I'm fidgety and kept moving around in my seat without realizing it.) But since I knew I didn't really get enough calories with dinner - I was perfectly fine with having ice cream after dinner. Yay! I am SO happy. I feel so normal. I mean - I admit to trying to figure out in my head how many calories I was eating, and how much more I needed to go to make my quota for the day. I was a bit nervous about not eating enough- girl lost weight this week and had to increase :\ - BUT fortunately for me the fact that I'm a girl who can eat is a good quality haha. Very encouraging for yours truly.

So. I really like him a lot. Yep. We strolled around for awhile, played on the playground and people-watched and talked. He's in college, has a job, and can drive. OK three things I've never seen in a guy all at once so I'm rather impressed. He's my age. Woo! Apparently he thought I was like 17 initially, so me being his age was a bit of a relief. To be honest - I was afraid he was going to be younger than me too, since I always get hit on by guys that are still in high school. But yeah...I had a really great time with him and I'm really glad I went out with him.

And for the ultimate "Aww", I awoke this morning to find a message on my phone from him - saying he had a great time and he'd like to see me again.

::enter happy::

2009-07-07T15:59:00.005-04:00

Sooo I cannot thank you all enough for all the positive and encouraging feedback on my last post! I admit, I am a bit nervous about going out to dinner. I'm going to eat as normally as possible though, and I will be reminding myself the entire time that my meal needs to be 700 calories minimum anyways, so I should enjoy the fact that I can basically eat whatever the heck I want. I am really excited and will definitely give you all a full update on that Thursday. Hugs all around to everyone!

I forgot to take a picture of brekkie this morning. But I am sooo proud of myself. I was torn between having brownie batter oats and shredded wheat. OK. Not torn. Victoria wanted brownie batter oats, but ED kept insisting shredded wheat would be better for me to have.
I wanted brownie batter oats and that was what I made. First time ever deciding exactly what I wanted right then in the morning. I have been planning at least a day in advance for a long time now - though in the past week or so I have been experimenting more and more with choosing what I want on a given day. But I was still following meal plans that I had already written out in days prior.
Today was without plan. Entirely. I had oat bran cooked in chocolate soymilk with mashed banana and 2TBS White Chocolate Wonderful. And coffee with cream. And cottage cheese with raisins.
For lunch I had figured on having a ricotta and sundried tomato wrap because that was what I had last time I had brownie batter oats. But I really wanted hummus and cheese. So I had that for lunch instead because it was what I wanted, and I knew the calories would be pretty much the same as long as I added the proper accoutrements.

I feel unbelievably proud of myself. For the first time in I don't know how man years - I can actually thinkg of what I want to eat. I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever had a feeling of what I wanted to eat versus what anorexia said was OK. This is truly liberating.

Now, I do have one slight dilemma. There is a girl I was inpatient with last winter and spring. She keeps emailing me. She is struggling a lot with the weight she gained (she had to go back to IP again this past fall) and she is insistant on losing some of it. She keeps sending me emails and I get the feeling she is trying to get me to relapse. It is really, really frustrating. Some of the things she has said to me are really upsetting - like "Me and A from Cornell were talking about it. You looked good thin. It works on you." or some odd quote from Marya Hornbacher's book. I keep telling myself that she meant I looked good when I left - because when I left IP, she said to me that it wasn't fair how I gained the same amount of weight she did and yet I looked so much "better" than her. I hate the comparitive nature of ED's by the way. But it was still really hurtful to have that idea of her (or anyone) possibly telling me that I looked fine when I was dying. I was fucking killing myself. And I hate that people think it was glamorous or beautiful. I mean honestly. Anorexia is perhaps the most cruel and grotesque of mental illnesses and to have this girl essentially idolizing me from when I was at one of my worst points is just....ahhh! I want to shake her and say "What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me?" She KNOWS I reached an even lower point than when she met me, and she KNOWS I have fought like hell to get my health back. And then she tells me that she is happy that I am doing better. And sends me emails entitled "losing weight is a labor of love" - never opened that one. I don't know how to get her to stop though. I want desperately to be able to help her. But she is about seven years older than myself - I cannot help her if she won't help herself. I know its toxic to me, and my ability to sustain recovery, if I keep getting messages like that from this girl. But I feel horribly guilty if I tell her I don't want her talking to me anymore. She doesn't have many friends and she is kind of lonely. And I was that girl for a long time so I have softspot for that. I guess I keep hoping that if she hears about how much better life can be without an ED ruling it, she will want to let it go.

I have no idea what I should do.

I think for now...I am not going to worry about and think of all the other happy things instead. Like that the sun came back out just now, full force. Hooray! The rain is gone.

Wow. OK So I've got my music on shuffle. This is what just came on:

"Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
I can't help but ask my self how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer.
Its driven me before, and it seems to have a vaguely haunting mass appeal. But lately, I'm beginning to find when I'm in drive, my light is found.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there.
With open arms and open eyes, yea.
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there. I'll be there."- Incubus

I used to listen to this song EVERY day. Multiple times. I haven't heard it in ages but it felt appropriate to be shared for some reason.
I think its beautiful to be able to think of a tomorrow again - and think of it with fondness and a feeling of knowing whatever comes, it will be survived.

Good things.

2009-07-06T07:03:00.004-04:00

Oh my gosh!
I am SO happy right now - can't even put into words.
Yesterday, I hung out with my friend Liza. She's actually my older brother's friend from high school so she's 29. She has recovered from anorexia herself, so that's how we became friends. My brother told her about how I was struggling so much all those months ago, and she offered to take me out for coffee and such around my birthday - to help me see that it was truly possible to have a life after anorexia. She's married, has a job and is going to school to become a psychologist.
Anyways! I hadn't seen her in a few months and yesterday she dropped by and wanted to take me out to Starbucks for coffee. I really didn't feel like getting anything though as I'd just eaten lunch. So, we were sitting outside on the patio. A girl comes out of the Bucks and says to me "Excuse me, this is going to sound really weird - but the guy inside with the glasses thinks you're really cute. If you could go inside and talk to him, it would totally make his life. If not, this conversation never happened."
So, I went inside. Ordered a drink and tried talking to the kid.
Apparently he is very shy and the few words I managed to get out of him were barely audible.
So, I go back outside like "Why is it that guys always get so super shy around me?"
Liza says to me "You know what, I'll go inside and get his number. Maybe he won't be as nervous talking to me."
So Liza goes back inside and I'm sitting there like "Is she really going to do that?"
Another guy comes out. I'll call him Tim for the sake of making the story easier to tell. So Tim says to me "Did your friend just go inside?"
"Yep."
"Oh well she's asking the guy behind the register for his number for you."
"Really? Fun stuff, I didn't think she was serious."
"You know, I do that all the time to my friends. I have no shame and I'll go right up to a girl and ask for her number for them. They get so mad at me. It must be different for girls I guess? You seem pretty cool with it."
"Hah yeah...well I'm outside, he's inside. He won't know if I turn 10 shades of red."
"Ah well, he's a real good guy, you should give him a chance."
"Yeah? Okay, I think I will."
Then Liza comes back outside. Number in hand.
Tim goes back inside and I'm fairly certain he was talking to boy behind the counter with the glasses about me.

Annnnd I called him last night.
We're going out on Wednesday night - to the beach and out for dinner.
Holy shit.
I think I like being healthy.

Independence Day.

2009-07-04T06:55:00.014-04:00

Ironically, the days leading up to the infamous Fourth have been anything but independent. I hate to be the downer, but I haven't been feeling like myself lately - thus my lack in posting.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about the way things used to be. Reading through my old journal and seeing the occasional photo of myself from when I was sick. It frightens me how bad I looked. I had taken pictures before I went inpatient in 2008, of when I came home and when I ultimately relapsed. In 2006, when I was at Pratt and I realized I'd lost weight - I took those same kind of photos. I sent them to my mom, asking her if I was OK. She called me within the hour, in tears, begging me to talk to the administration and see about getting myself help. Turns out I didn't even have to. My suitemates had already spoken to the RA, and he talked to them first. This quest to be free from my eating disorder has been a really long one. And it's had many, many set backs. I think about it sometimes and wonder what I did wrong, what I could have done better to not have relapsed so many times. Maybe I just wasn't ready those other times. Maybe I just didn't have the ability to take that leap of faith, or the confidence in myself. I don't know. People often ask me how I got myself to recover on my own, from the shell of life that I had come to know. I don't think there really is a "how". Only a "why". I did it for my family, because I knew I couldn't make my parents bury me at 19. I told myself that I had to get better, repeatedly day in and day out. I have an obsessive-compulsive personality, and once I get it into my head that I am going to do something - I damn well do it and I do it well. It's a bit of a dangerous mindset to have, and I'm quite sure that's why each relapse was always worse than the one before. Its one of the things I need to work on therapy - allowing myself room to breathe.
Anyways. I think that even if who I was, and where I was last year frightens me, its good to look back. It keeps me in check and it reminds me that I need to stay strong as I possibly can right now. Because there have been so many time when I thought I was better, and I truly wasn't. When I went to community college in September 2007, I was up to a fairly decent weight after the '06 slip-back. Thought I'd do perfectly fine at school. :sigh: So many times I thought I would be okay, that I was free from my ED. Apparently, I wasn't.

When I came home in April 2008 (if you look *really* good - I still have the hospital bracelet on my wrist lol - certain friends of mine were incredibly anxious to see healthy me). After seeing this picture, a great deal of my friends and family have asked me why in hell I relapsed again because I "looked so great." I wish I had the answer to that question, but I still don't know. I don't think I ever will.

About six weeks later, I dropped to my all-time low. This was actually taken after the first five pounds gained back.
I never realized how bad I got. How quickly I could slip. When I came home from inpatient last year, I thought I was going to be free, that I'd never have to look back. Its funny how that happens - always when you think you're safe. I remember how incredibly proud of myself I was - gaining that first five pounds. I thought it was the biggest deal in the world. My mom looked at me that morning and was just like "Five pounds is a drop in the bucket for you right now." I didn't appreciate it at the time, I got very upset. But looking back now, I can see why she said that. It's really frustrating and frightening for me to look back at that time. When I came home from inpatient last spring, I honestly believed it was going to be the last time I ever put myself through it again. I thought I was going to be okay, that I would be able to hold on. It frightens me to think back at that because, well....it didn't hold true. And because of that, I question myself now. It's a huge part of why I still count calories, even though it drives me NUTS. I have a very, very hard time trusting myself and I wish that I could feel more secure in my ability to nourish myself appropriately on a day-to-day basis. But the history I have...I've never maintained a weight above X pounds for more than maybe two, three weeks before. So I guess its a good thing in a way, for now. I really, really hope one of these days I feel secure enough in myself that I can just eat, without needing to measure to make sure my portions are big enough, or counting calories to make sure what I want to eat is sufficient. I suppose that no longer counting how many grams of protein/fat/carbohydrate I'm getting in each meal or snack is a big step foward in and of itself. It's been quite freeing to be able to just sit down and say to myself "Breakfast has to be 800 calories and this is what I want."

And today, what I wanted was a bowl of this goodness:

Kashi Autumn Wheat with vanilla chai, sliced banana, dried cherries and two tablespoons of Simply Jif natural peanut butter. Nuked it up in the microwave since it was a bit chilly in the house this morning. I wonder if my need to heat almost everything up is an ED thing? Hm. Oh well. Also had a glorious cup of fresh coffee with Cinnamon Bun coffee creamer. looove that stuff. For real, if you haven't tried it - you should.

Please don't take this post the wrong way. I am not sliding back, or reminescing the "old" days. I just think its important to remember what we've grown from. I think its important, at least for me, to realize that no matter how much better we think we are sometimes, no matter how much we tell ourselves that we don't have to worry about relapse - that possibility is always there. And I know for a fact, the longer one has had anorexia, the easier it is to slip back without even meaning to. In my mind, freedom from anorexia no longer means not caring about the calories I eat or how much I weigh because I have learned that when I do not care, that is when the eating disorder seems to step back in. Maybe it won't be like that forever, but I think that for a long time, freedom from ED means that you are able to eat and maintain a healthy weight without guilt, and it means caring enough about yourself to keep it that way.

From the Bottom.

2009-06-30T18:17:00.006-04:00

Thank you all so, so much for all the support and encouragement you've given me the past few days. Honestly - words are not enough to express my gratitude. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have you all. Who knew so many beautiful people could be part of the same community?

That being said - I learned something tremendous today.
In the darkest moments, the ones when we feel most desperate and afraid, is where we find ourselves, our inspiration to move forward. Its when we feel most incapable, and we are forced to deal with something we've been avoiding for far too long, that we grow and move onto the next phases of finding ourselves again.

This morning, I totally screwed up my meal plans. This is not something I am proud of, but over the past month or two, I have gotten into the habit of counting how many grams of fat, protein and carbohydate I was eating and making myself entirely insane trying to make sure it all equaled out at the end of the day. So if I had an extra gram of protein, I had to have one less carbohydrate - that sorta thing. Totally crazy, right?
Well. Yours truly made what anorexia would call a "grievous error". Whilst calculating my calories - I totally forgot to account for the grams of fat in my newly-added dessert to dinner. I counted in the 200 calories, but not the 11g fat. So while the calories added up perfect - grams of fat was way more than usual.
Enter anorexic panic. I was SO mad at myself. I felt like giving up because "eating was just too stressful." My mom got really mad at me as she was home when all of this lovely realization occured. She said some rather cruel things.
First instinct: Restrict.restrict. restrict. Because, well life sucks and what else is there? And you'll end up having way too many grams of fat today, far more than you need.
What Tori actually did: Tori stuck to her meal plan as it was, no changes, no cut backs. And enjoyed her chocolate-coconut-White Chocolate PB oats for breakfast.

As well as a Coffee Chocolate Jocalat bar after lunch.

And Dove dark chocolate after dinner. Yep. Allllll that goodness in one day.
(in case your wondering - its that time of the month where chocolate has become my best friend)

I did not die. Nothing horrific has happened.
In fact, something beautiful did.
I have decided from this day forth - no more excruciating calculations. I'll track my calories the way I used to when I was first recovering at age 16. With paper and pen, just enough to make sure I've met my calorie goal by the end of the day. No more worrying about grams of carbohydrates, proteins and fat. No more obsessing.

And that, my lovely ladies, is where liberation lies. In the darkest corner - the one where your ED is clinging on by mere threads. We hardly notice it at first. It pulls, gently, lulls you into a new behavior or habit - and because you are eating, you don't even realize its your ED, trying to find some small space to still occupy, trying to find some way, as truly insignificant as it may be in the real world, some way to hold on. Tiny little threads - the frayed ends of what we are still working to mend can be so very easy for it to grab on to. Something I have learned today is that those threads are more than enough to strangle. And so on this day, I sever those last binds. I will be free. We will all be free. Whether its one snip at a time, or one fowl swoop. It is going to be real some day, and hopefully - that day is getting closer.

Monday.

2009-06-29T09:33:00.006-04:00

For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am without words.
There is so much going on inside my head, but I cannot seem to find a way to let the thoughts spill. It's really frustrating. I feel very guilty. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a while, and its so silly because I had a really great day. But last night...ugh. I was on the verge of giving up because a part of me is still very convinced that I will never be normal. My head was spinning and all I could keep thinking about was how close I was to dying and was starting to believe that I would have been better off that way. Because quite honestly - while I may not be an exhuasted, emactiated corpse anymore - my life still sucks. There are no rainbows and sunshine for me - no magic burst of happiness. While I wasn't expecting that per se, I guess I was hoping that at least things would feel better than they do right now.
Being stuck at home all day is truly taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally and at times I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. I get unbearably anxious during the day and spend most of my time waiting for tomorrow to come in hopes that it will be better. Sometimes, it is better. Other times, not so much. I've noticed myself isolating more and more though. The amount of attention I've been recieving is overwhelming, especially given that I have spent nearly a year in solitude. This is where anorexia jumps in. "You can't handle this. You can't handle life. You aren't ready. Just let go. Give up. It will be easier." or the ever popular "You're just everyone's favorite whore. No one really likes you. They just see right through you. Everyone sees the truth but you. You are worthless." Even though I know these thoughts are meaningless, they are still very painful to have and it takes a LOT of energy for me to combat them. I've spent so many years believing it all to be true, so it makes sense that it will take a long time to get it to stop.

I realized the other day that my pattern of self-destructive habits has been an on-going thing, starting from when I was around eleven years old (first bout of AN). Sometimes I can't tell if anorexia was the worst of it. I suppose in terms of mortality, it is. But God, I have so many scars. Sometimes I look in the mirror and cry because they are never going to go away. I've covered some up with my tattoos. Beneath my chest piece lies 35 slash marks from when I was 15 and essentially cut my chest into ribbons. On my left thigh - 22. Most are only faint white lines that can only be seen really if pointed out. But at least six of them are thick, raised lines that are quite noticeable. At least the burn marks are gone though, right? When I was 15, after my parents realized I was cutting, I resorted to burning myself with a lighter. One night, I burned the word "disgrace" into my right calf. I am so glad that it is not visible anymore, having to explain THAT one would be a doozy. Further more,I have finally forgiven myself for what happened and realized that I was barely 15 and it wasn't my fault, I was taken advantage of. I hardly ever talk about it. Most therapists have assumed that was the starting point of my eating disorder even though I know it wasn't - I was already "spiralling back down the rabbit hole" when it happened. Maybe it made things worse, but it certainly was not the cause. And trying to explain that to a therapist who is all hopped up and gung-ho to find that singular ignition point - well. It doesn't work. And I hate when people say "Ohh no wonder!" because that's not what caused it. It's very hard to be taken seriously after people know - they focus on that one event in my life and anything I say afterwards gets disreguarded. And I don't know why I've told you all about this. I guess maybe for as much as I have forgiven myself and him alike (We are friends now actually as he has cleaned up from drugs and truly is a different person than he was 5 years ago) it has had a huge influence on my ability to have relationships or lack of such ability, at least. :sigh:

It's such a beautiful sunny day and I should be feeling so much happier but I'm not. Maybe its just that time of the month? Or maybe its because five of our fish have died in the past two days? I swear, they're suicidal. At least Crusher is still alive. His full name is actually Crusher, the Almighty Master of the 40-gallon Tank. He's the size of a quarter and my brother bought him for me in 2005. He's a survivor, kinda like me I guess. I'm crossing my fingers that he won't die too. I'd be heart broken.

I did have some cheerful-looking and comforting breakfasts the past few days. I'll share.

Cherry Pie Oats: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, 1/2 banana mashed in. Topped with crushed almonds, walnuts, dried cherries, rest of the 'nana and coconut flakes.

Banana Bread Oats: 1/2 cup oat bran cooked in vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, large overripe banana mashed in, 1/4 cup raisins (some cooked in, some on top) 2=walnuts (some crushed in, some crumbled on top and a scoop of cinnamon raisin swirl.
All accompanied by a cup of coffee with Vanilla Caramel cream. <3

Well, its early yet I suppose, so the day may still be salvaged. I don't know, but I'll hope. There must always be hope.